SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Finding it difficult even typing this almost 6 months since it all happened but feel sharing and seeking some support from others who may have been in my situation...and I hope u haven't then hope you can help me make some sense of all this crap.

Husband and I been together 17 years married 10 with an 8 year old.Normal everyday family with what I thought was a good relationship until discovered my husband had been meeting others and not woman but men.😡 Meeting through a gay website for "receiving sex" but not "taking".Has come out that drugs involved and he is adamant he's not guy...but what the hello!!!!

Since this he has seemed help and currently receiving psychological input as alot in his past now coming out.

Glad he's getting support but what about me!!!!!! Still with him..and know sounds stupid but still love him.

Anyone else been here?

(((mrsblobby)))

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I find it very hard to believe that a man who has sex with other men is not, in fact, gay. Or at the very least bisexual.

When you say drugs are involved, can you clarify? Was he prostituting himself to get drugs? Or did he cheat only when high?

It's been 6 months. What has he done to help you and himself? Cheating is cheating, whether with someone of the same sex or opposite. Have you been STD checked? He has put your life at great risk. Go to your doctor and tell her what has happened, that your husband has been having sex with multiple strange men. You need to be tested for everything. And I mean everything.

Are you in IC?

I think there's a thread in I Can Relate for BPs whose CPs cheated with same sex people.

Hit submit too soon.

Just FYI, my STBX cheated with numerous women. At least 10 PA's that I know of. Numerous more EA's, dozens. He was always trolling wherever he went. I even found an email where he was arranging to meet up for sex with a woman who had a penis. I don't believe he is gay. In his case, I believe he was amping up the risk and excitement factor, and was open to anything, as long as it was sexual. It was still a completely new level of trauma for me though. Solidifying that I had no idea who he is.

He has been fully tested and bizarre to say that totally believe him and that all ok...does that make me sound stupid??

In Ic?

Family are aware and he is doing everything he can to make marriage work.He's getting psychiatry and psychology help.

He was apparently doing this when under influence of cocaine.Not giving sex but receiving

Am I a fool to even consider staying??? Would love to chat with people in same situations as woman one thing men another.

There is a thread in the I Can Relate section. Copy and paste: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=586108

No one can tell you whether or not you should stay with your WH. Speaking only for myself, homosexual encounters would have been a dealbreaker for me, but there are instances of recovery just like in every other kind of cheating.

That said, you do need to get STD testing for yourself. It sounds like your WH has engaged in high risk behavior, and you'll need to be tested (and retested) for HIV.

Mrsblobby - I am so so sorry you had to find SI.

Abbreviations - IC = individual counseling. There is a list of common abbreviations in the healing library in the upper left corner.

No you are not a fool at all. You love your WH (wayward husband) and that doesn't make you foolish at all. You aren't silly for wanting to stay and work it out. Please read through the healing library for articles for the BS (betrayed spouse).

Take care of yourself right now and be gentle with yourself. Make sure to eat and hydrate and sleep. And I will double other posters comments - please go get STD tested asafp. Your WH has engaged in some very risky behaviors and you need to protect your health.

Hugs!!

Hi, and welcome to SI mrsblobby22. Sorry you're here.

Yep, I can relate. Long-term marriage, drugs, anonymous hookups with men.

My WH developed a meth problem, which I discovered first. Several months after he got sober, I discovered the men.

My world shattered. So much shame.

Anyway, I encourage you to educate yourself regarding drug addiction. Google "men meth cocaine pnp sex." You'll learn that hardcore sex, prostitutes, and risky anonymous gay sex are all part of the equation. Apparently, hypersexuality is a side effect of the drug, as is risky sexual behavior.

Almost two years after d day, I'm still with my WH, but in limbo. The only reason I'm attempting to consider R is because right now he's sober. If he uses, he's gone. Period.

Infidelity is horrible enough to overcome, add the addiction and there's a whole other layer of shit to dig through.

Healing is needed for him to become safe, and only he can heal himself. You need healing so you can make healthy decisions about what you want from your relationship. There are some things your WH can do to help you heal, but ultimately your healing is in your hands.

I highly recommend IC. My therapist has been my lifeline through this nightmare. But not all therapists are created equal, so make sure you get one that understands trauma, infidelity, drug addiction, and sex trauma.

My therapist has been a sex therapist for 30 years, deals with all types of sexual trauma. She also happens to be the only therapist in the area that specializes in the LGTB community, and all the drug problems associated with it. She runs three different addiction groups and has heard/seen it all.

She explained to me sexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality, pansexuality, etc. And while yes, my WH is bisexual, that doesn't make him homosexual. And quite frankly, the reason he was partying and having sex with mostly men is because that's the predominant group using the drug. Men, especially gay men.

If you haven't already, please get a full panel STD test. Explain what's going on to your doctor. They can help with all sorts of issues, like medications for depression, anxiety, insomnia, as well as referrals for therapists. Don't try and navigate this alone.

So, are you crazy to stay? No, absolutely not. In fact, you should take some time to focus on only you and your healing and not make rash decisions. You have all the time in the world to figure out what you want, what you need.

And during this time, watch your WH's behavior. Is he working on his sobriety, without you pushing him to do it? Is he working on honesty? Is he taking the steps necessary to become a safe partner?

And when you're ready, you'll have clarity on what's best for you. Then you can make a decision you'll never regret.

Best wishes to you.

[This message edited by DesertLily at 1:04 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

Desert lily

Thanks so much for your wise words.Your reply has opened up a much needed release and sitting here sobbing but actually feel better for doing so.

So busy concentrating on my son and trying to make "everything ok and normal" that now realising that actually need to address the situation a bit more honestly and directly and accept I'm not ok and not as strong as I think I am😢

Only v close family know the situation and didn't help that when I found out he disappeared and threatened suicide which then involved police.This triggered social services as we have s son.My "normal" everyday life became something from a tv show.

He is far as is evident trying everything to rectify what happened but can't deal with my emotions. Which considering all that has happened is usually why??That he still can't answer but with his psychological help I'm hoping he can start to unravel all this to make it clear for both of us.

Not been to IC or been tested but think after these chats will pursue this for myself...not for him but for me.

He has openly given me his bank card so I access the money so if money was being used for cocaine I'd hopefully know.Don't judge but him.taking cocaine would be easier to deal with than knowing he has brought strange men into my home👊👊👊👊.

Thanks so much for letting me vent and please keep chatting as this really helping.

Take care

Thats a deep rabbit hole he's into.

Drugs and gay sex.

You'd better get a handle on your finances and future without him in case this goes south.

Upfront they are always in self preservation mode.

This smells like a good bet it could go south. Better be prepared.

I am sorry this has happened to you.If it was me I would divorce.

He is either bi or closet gay and you stand no chance in this relationship in my opinion unless you accept that it will happen again. No psychiatrist will suppress his natural urges for gay sex.

I could not live a life with constant STD tests.This is playing Russian roulette with my life, the mother of his children.

Total selfishness and disrespect on his part.

Please find a good councilor for yourself to process the trauma. Sometimes we have to leave the people we love if they are toxic to us. Hopefully with a lot of good counselling you will become strong to understand this.

I am sorry I am so blunt.

The thread in the ICR forum hasn't seen a new post in over a year. I recommend posting in General.

You ask, 'What about me?'

That's a critical question. A good IC can help process the awful feelings that come with being betrayed.

A good IC can help you figure out what you want.

Remember: your H's A is about him. It's not about you. He failed. You didn't.

*****

He is either bi or closet gay and you stand no chance in this relationship in my opinion unless you accept that it will happen again. No psychiatrist will suppress his natural urges for gay sex.

Having gone through something like this, I have to say you've got it almost all wrong.

Same-gender infidelity is, in my experience, basically just plain infidelity, with a small twist.

It sounds like you want to R. R succeeds only if both partners want it and both partners do the necessary work.

The small twist in same-gender affairs is that the WS may be gay. If s/he is gay, R won't succeed, IMO.

If the WS is bi-sexual, however, it's eminently possible to build a new M, if the WS commits to monogamy.

The small twist in same-gender affairs is that the WS may be gay. If s/he is gay, R won't succeed, IMO.

If the WS is bi-sexual, however, it's eminently possible to build a new M, if the WS commits to monogamy.

Agree with the above. BUT:

Blobby's WH is cheating exclusively with men. Multiple men. Anonymously. Through a gay website.

I'm no expert, but he sounds plain old closeted gay.

This is a bridge too far.

Hi mrs.blobby22,

Desertlily has sound advice and I agree.

Sorry, about your situation. It sounds as though there is a very good chance he may be a sex addict. As I read your post I started questioning his childhood, and then you mentioned "past" and it seems to be coming together.

Is he a victim of molestation or rape?! Almost all sex addicts do have past trauma that involves this. As sick as it all sounds (and it is), sex addicts act out aggressions, relating to child abuse. You mentioned "receiving" and that does suggest the possibility of rape. Some addicts will prefer men (and not necessarily gay) or will have sex with, both, men and women. It is more complex than the excuse "just sex". In terms of your husband, I would assume a dominating/aggressive male figure, from childhood.

Strange analogy, but stick with me- It is kind of like when Hannibal Lector is describing Buffalo Bill, to Clarise Starling. He basically told Clarice that Bill wasn't a real transexual, he was created from years of systematic abuse (assuming molestation), in childhood. He hated his own identity because of this, therefore seeking escape. Much like the sex addict, an identity wracked with guilt, shame and a low self esteem. They really don't like themselves and this ties in with underlying personality disorders. They seek to escape themselves, by any means possible.

These men go years, without addressing these issues and because of the shame, they may never own up to their childhood, completely. There is usually more to the story than they are willing to admit. There is always porn that escalates to their "acting out", because they are never satisfied.

Anyway, you're still licking fresh wounds and it fucking sucks. It took me a while before I started reading about the "addiction" because I don't see it in the way it is being pushed. There is a lot money to be made by a lot of "experts" on this hot and relatively new subject. Over in "I can relate", there is an active sex addicts thread. You may find some women there with husbands seeking men. It is pretty common in terms of SA.

My husband is an SA (bleh) and I am over there, from-time-to-time. You may find a lot of similarities to your situation and in terms of your husbands personality. Mine preferred questionably aged prostitutes of various ethninticities, unlike mine. Yeah, it trashes your self esteem. You really dont come back from that.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 12:43 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

I'll stay out of the rest of it... but regardless of whether someone is cheating with a man or a woman, I don't see how that makes a whit of difference.

Just because someone is bi or pansexual, doesn't have anything to do with whether or not they prefer monogamy. It just means they are sexually (and possibly romantically depending on the person) open to people of either gender.

Monogamy versus polysexuality is an entirely separate axis.

Bisexuality doesn't mean that you need partners of both genders to be satisfied. That is one of the biggest tropes of bisexuality and one of the most frustrating stigmas.

Dashboardmadonna

Thanks you seem to have some know and yes there are childhood issues which only now coming to light...not sexual but verbal and physically.

He continually says he "hates himself" and "doesn't know who he is".I know people are saying he's gay but I genuinely don't think he is...but how can I say that when he's been with men?

He is trying everything to save our marriage and knows if anything else happens it over.

He also has issues with making himself sick which now not happening so much.

I know the drugs have been a big issue and probably influenced some of this behaviour but why men and not woman??That he still can't answer.

Thanks for all support

This happens so much more than people realize. Ever look through Craigslist? So many new ads,every day, of married men seeking NSA sex with men.

Why men?

Gay or bisexual

Curious

Easier to get sex, with no emotion

Less chance of their wife finding out,many of the men on those sights just want sex. So no clingy female who caught feelings.

It's a kink

So many reasons. He needs to figure out his.

If he is gay,there can never be true reconciliation.

If he is bisexual, there is hope. He may be attracted to both sexes, but fidelity is a choice. Just as it is with a man who is heterosexual. Being bisexual isn't a license to cheat. It simply means that have a bigger group of people that are potential AP's.

Mrsblobby22,

Hey girl... not to pour salt on the wound, but it's like I said, they tend to "forget" what really happened. There is a very good chance he may never own up to the entirety of his childhood. That level of honesty would mean a complete break-down of their personality. There are many years of vanity played into that. They tend to ride the narcissistic spectrum.

My husband has a history of incest with his sister, I totally believe there is more to the story...it went on longer than he hinted at and with more family members.

They tend to be addicted to "everything". While, I may not be popular opinion if you haven't children, please get out. You are worth so much more. I mean this from a very loving place. It really doesnt get better....they are flawed beyond belief.

Your husband is more than likely not gay and I dont blame you for your concern. A lot of people are worried about being PC..I am not. I am facts. These men have a huge ego to obtain and really is rooted in childhood.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 5:38 AM, September 2nd (Monday)]

My husband has a history of incest with his sister, I totally believe there is more to the story...it went on longer than he hinted at and with more family members.

They tend to be addicted to "everything". While, I may not be popular opinion if you haven't children, please get out. You are worth so much more. I mean this from a very loving place. It really doesnt get better....they are flawed beyond belief.

I'm going to agree with DM. What I know of my husband is just a tip of the iceberg. I suspect a whole other layer of deceit that I never discovered. I could completely see him doing what your husband has done. My WH also lost his virginity and had a lengthy sexual relationship with his adopted sister. He was 14. There was also a 19 yo creepy neighbor who masturbated in front of him when WH was 7. I suspect much more happened, and WHwas too embarassed to tell me.

I'm so sorry. I would run, too.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:27 AM, September 2nd (Monday)]