SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Okay, I should have known better, than to watch a movie about infidelity or to read anything into they say in said movie or even take it at face value, but I couldn’t help myself. My wife was with two of my girls and I was in a mood. Dumb of me, I know.

Anyway, I was scrolling through movies and found This Is Where I Leave You with Jason Bateman, Tina Fey, Adam Driver, Abigail Spencer. Trigger warning: It’s an infidelity movie - Jason Bateman comes home to surprise his wife on her birthday and finds her in bed with his boss. He leaves her and then his dad dies and the whole family is together for the funeral and shiva. Drama / family dysfunction unfolds. The end.

It was hard to watch and was definitely a form of pain shopping, but as far as movies like this goes, it was pretty good in terms of not sugarcoating infidelity, the betrayal, the emotions that follow, etc. (at one point, Adam Driver, Jason Bateman’s screwed up younger brother, calls the WW a cold-hearted slut). But there was one conversation that really bothered me. Tina Fey plays Jason Bateman’s sister and he was saying how much he had loved his wife, yet she had an A with his boss for a year. Tina’s response? “Your wife had an affair with your boss for a year and you didn’t notice. How much could you possibly have loved her.” His answer? “That’s fair.”

WTF?! Is that the perception? That because I didn’t know my WW had an A it means I didn’t love her? So the term blindsided means nothing? If only I loved her more then...what? She wouldn’t have done it or she would have done it anyway and I just would have known sooner? Is this a thing - that her A says something about how much I invested (or didn’t invest) in our M?

I know it’s just a movie, but this was one of those “realistic” ones - or at least it tried to be and this got to me. I know I shouldn’t even think anything about it, and my expectations of Hollywood should be less than zero on the subject, but it got under my skin. Do you encounter this in real life? Where people judge you and assume that you must have checked out of your M otherwise you would have known? Not that it was your fault, there’s a distinction here I guess, but by not seeing it or knowing about the A it must mean that you were disassociated from your WS and really didn’t love her/him?

Don’t forget that by the end of the movie he actually apologizes to his cheating ex for not giving her enough attention.

Yep. And I think it’s because he bought into that crap about it being partially his fault (and because he wants to co-parent).

On the plus side, he has no plans to R with her, he may pick up with his high school flame, and then sorta “starts over” by going to Maine.

Better than a lot of these types of movies. But still, his buying into that line really rubbed me the wrong way.

Not true...I will put that movie on my DO NOT watch list..thanks for the heads up

Peace

I think it’s a pretty common misconception that the betrayed must have known something was going on. That there’s no way somebody could actually be blind to it. I’m sure I was that clueless person at one point.

In my case I did actually suspect, for years, and was lied to about it and couldn’t prove it. However he was only ever with me and my son, or at work, so I convinced myself I was probably imagining it. Apparently where there’s a will there’s a way.

Others, like you said, are truly completely blindsided.

Hollywood often glamorizes cheating. They are stupid writers who probably have no real experience with infidelity. I would be annoyed with it as well though.

I only knew one screenwriter and she had the smarts of a bed of kelp. Just cuz it's in a movie doesn't make it real. No one has special insight because you sold a story to some fatuous money grubbing producer.

I find it terribly ironic that Hollywood continues to treat infidelity with disdain when it's rampant within the industry.

I read the book and saw the movie. Pre-A. And still thought it was BS.

I think it feeds into the whole idea that a marriage that has problems is to blame for the cheating. When in reality the marriage might have been struggling, but only one person cheated. As BS we beat ourselves up all of the time (or at least I did and still sometimes do) about what we could have done differently to stop our cheater. So when we hear stories like that it goes perfectly with our narrative that we are somehow in control.

I sensed something was wrong with my WH when his A had turned physical. I spent that entire month making date nights a priority and trying to connect. I had no clue he was cheating. How would you possible think your partner of 20 years was cheating? You wouldn't. Because YOU wouldn't cheat. Your brain just doesn't even go there. You assume that your partner values your marriage as much as you do and that you are in the normal ebb and flow of a long marriage. I wonder how many of those movies and tv shows are written by anyone who has lived through betrayal trauma. Very few I'd imagine.

The only infidelity movie that seems to come close to reality is Beyonce's Lemonade visual album.

I saw that movie too, a long time ago but I remember what you are talking about.

In the scene with Tina Fey - I thought her question was authentic. If you haven't been touched by infidelity you don't understand it. We all know people who say that shit because they have never been through it. My rewrite would have been on Jason Bateman's answer. I would have had him explain that his ex wife must have been just such a good liar and compartmentalizer she was able to hide it and not have him take any responsibility for it. Nor would I have had him apologize to the ex at the end. But, I think the apology could have more him recognizing some of the pre-A issues were his own, but it leads you to believe that he is taking responsibility for the affair. Again, a common misconception if you have never been through it, but yeah I can see why it bothered you. It was a heavy movie with actors I really like, so it was a bit disappointing.

I will say though, and this is not a statement of anyone else's situation, only my own. My H would have known before it ever got to a year out. Not because he was a better husband than any of the spouses here, but the behavior was so changed he was seeing it without knowing what he was looking at yet and my affair lasted 2 months.

So, from that standpoint - I think without super compartmentalization skills, there is no way a cheating spouse doesn't tip you off in some way. I don't think that's a statement of how much the BS loves the WS. It's probably more of a statement of how good the WS is at cheating and you have to wonder why that is. And, probably why many of the LTR spouses on here seem to have more to upack with their WS. There are more issues present? Just a hypothesis on that last part, it extends past my experience.

With minimal searching you can look through a website that starts with a R that has a pro-adultery segment.

They put together a play book on why or why not you should get into adultery and how to keep your spouse in the dark. It boggles the mind because it is 20+ pages. The strangest advice is when they talk about not changing behavior and regularly continue to try to sexually engage with your spouse.

So, if pages like that exist, even with loving your spouse, it is possible to be blindsided.

I was watching on Netflix "Bad Blood" season 2 has one of the wives cheating. It is a little less visual with the cheating (Less triggering), more the ramifications. She is what causes the whole thing to unravel and she sees it happening but can't stop it. It is really sad because she is a new mother and you see she is scrambling to do damage control.

With minimal searching you can look through a website that starts with a R that has a pro-adultery segment.

They put together a play book on why or why not you should get into adultery and how to keep your spouse in the dark. It boggles the mind because it is 20+ pages. The strangest advice is when they talk about not changing behavior and regularly continue to try to sexually engage with your spouse.

So, if pages like that exist, even with loving your spouse, it is possible to be blindsided.

Goodness that is crazy. I will say that the AP "coached" me in not raising suspicions a few times. He was a serial. I don't know if he learned through trial and error or if he looked up some weird site. Either way, gross.

hikingout,

Tina Fey’s statement bothered me because it wasn’t posed as a question, but more of a statement in the guise of a question. She was judging him and his M and found him wanting.

Regarding his answer, my change to his answer would have been partly what you wrote, but more along the lines of, “I loved her and therefore trusted her completely. It would have never even crossed my mind in a million years that she would do this, because I could never have done that to her. That’s why I didn’t see it.” Of course that reflects more of my own personal experience, so it hits home.

I’m with you walloped. What a shit message. Sadly, I think a lot of people who haven’t been betrayed assume we did “something” to cause it. They find comfort in that thought - because they pay attention/aren’t a cold fish in bed/give good blowjobs so this won’t happen to them. Smh

Tina Fey’s statement bothered me because it wasn’t posed as a question, but more of a statement in the guise of a question. She was judging him and his M and found him wanting.

Right, sorry. Still I think that's authentic people do unfairly judge the BS if they don't understand infidelity. I can think of things I thought about other people's situation before understanding it myself. It just could have been so effective if he would have answered in the way you just did. It would have been educational experience for those who find themselves judging infidelity the same way.

Regarding his answer, my change to his answer would have been partly what you wrote, but more along the lines of, “I loved her and therefore trusted her completely. It would have never even crossed my mind in a million years that she would do this, because I could never have done that to her. That’s why I didn’t see it.” Of course that reflects more of my own personal experience, so it hits home.

That would have been a far more perfect answer. My vision was more on what the WS had been doing that made it opaque. Because that was MY experience. But that statement is truly heartfelt and epitomizes what I believe the experience is for any BS even if they did begin to question behaviors. H didn't know what he was looking at, he just knew I was different and you have summed up perfectly why that was.

There was a movie on last night called "Unfaithful" with Richard Gere and Diane Ladd where Gere murders the OM at the end. I've seen it before and have learned the hard way not to trigger myself by watching movies like that.

As to your question...

you must have checked out of your M otherwise you would have known?

I'm not omniscient or omnipresent and I'm guessing no one here is either, so there is no way I could have seen WW's wickedness coming. There was work, school, and a baby to raise that filled my thoughts.

In fact it was quite the opposite. The longer time I spent with her, the more I loved and trusted her. And that was my downfall.

Sure there were odd moments that I explained away but that's because I trusted her. Surely she would never do something like that, especially with a new baby to raise.

Naive yes, but checked out of the marriage, absolutely not.

I think it feeds into the whole idea that a marriage that has problems is to blame for the cheating. When in reality the marriage might have been struggling, but only one person cheated.

Exactly.

If you haven't been touched by infidelity you don't understand it.

And there it is. This is why reaching out to family, friends, clergy, and counseling is such a gamble. Most have no idea how to deal with people like us because they've never walked in our shoes. They offer sympathy but not empathy because they can't relate.

This is why this site is so extremely valuable.

This is the same communication issue I have with my WW. Because she's never experienced the pain of betrayal, she can't relate to what she's done. "Why can't we just move on?" What a dumb question to ask.

I too had the affair right under my nose and in my house and saw nothing. I feel that I was in no way responsible for what she did. I loved her deep,y at the time, and even was more proud of her than ever for how she was handling the major renovation that was taking place. I let her know that too ..

This movie, which I have seen, is one of just many where the man somehow deserves what they got. This was more sympathetic to him, but that scene ties back to him contributing to the affair. It seems in every infidelity storyline it’s the husbands fault if the wife cheats, and if he cheats he is the cad.

I think this also ties into how infidelity is perceived IRL

Hollywood movies have to wrap up loose ends in the approximately 100-180 minutes of their duration. In real life, infidelity tends to be a loose end that hangs around for decades. Movies with infidelity themes are almost always frustrating to people with actual experience with infidelity, never mind triggering.

Blindsided is common because we see what we want to see. An affair is so horrible that we don't want to believe it, so we look away. It's like when we were kids and hid under the blankets when the boogie man came into our room. We don't want it to be true, so we hide and hope it will go away.

Talking about movies with infidelity and funerals... my son wanted to watch the Madea movie about a funeral but it was more about infidelity than anything else. But I have to say, by the end of the movie it paints a pretty accurate picture of it, including the fallout, tough choices and how to get out of it. Of course Tyler Perry tries to make it funny but in no way does he condone it or make it seem like it's the BS's fault.

I also watched Fatal Attraction lately (I know, glutton for punishment) and the ending really annoyed me. They hug and sweep it under the rug? I'd be screaming at him how he brought this trash into our lives and almost got us killed. Hollywood.

Slight T/J....

I liked the way Jason Bateman handled infidelity in Ozark better. His character had a bit more backbone.

To his cheating wife who’s lover gets thrown off a balcony...

"In fact the satisfying sound of your lover smacking the pavement is the only thing that gets me to sleep at night.

We are not husband and wife anymore. We’re just business partners. And our job is to raise those kids.“