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Ulcerboy (original poster new member #51068) posted at 2:04 PM on Monday, November 18th, 2019
Anyone else feel this way? Granted I never found the smoking gun, if I had before I'd of called it quits a few years ago. Still no smoking gun now but plenty enough now.
And I'm finding a sense of relief that I can call it quits.
I think the last few years I've just been waiting for the other shoe to drop-on constant alert, always on edge. It wears you out.
fooled13years ( member #49028) posted at 2:27 PM on Monday, November 18th, 2019
Ulcerboy
I think the last few years I've just been waiting for the other shoe to drop-on constant alert, always on edge. It wears you out
I sure am sorry you are experiencing this.
I understand why you chose this name.
I hope that you do not actually have ulcers created by this situation but if you do I hope you are taking care of yourself.
Even without the proverbial "smoking gun" I can't think of anyone who would fault you for not wanting to live like this.
Have you talked to your WW about her friend that you believe is helping her?
If she chooses her friend over you then there is your smoking gun.
I removed myself from infidelity and am happy again.
landclark ( member #70659) posted at 4:13 PM on Monday, November 18th, 2019
A few months ago I would have said I would welcome another DDAY to help make the decision for me, to make it easier to leave. Now though, I can't say the same. I truly don't want another DDAY. Despite IC and such, I am still a mess from it all and don't want to start back at square one. As I start to get a bit further out, I think the devastation of a new DDAY will be 100 times worse.
Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 TT through AugustOne child together, 3 stepchildrenTogether 13.5 years, married 12.5
First EA 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19. *ETA, contd an ea after dday for 2 yrs.
Ulcerboy (original poster new member #51068) posted at 6:58 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019
Hi fooled13,
No ulcer, though it's sure felt like it. But I think it's only due to zantac and antacids. Anything I've brought up has been complete denial. In reading here it looks like a lot of folk never can relax for a long time, if ever-irregardless of in real R or not. It's been a few years for me and I can't imagine going thru it any longer-even if I had a real attempt at R.
I find myself looking forward to hanging out by myself.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:03 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019
When False R hit I knew it wasn’t me or the M. It was a relief to finally know this and I also completely shut down. It’s like any feelings I had left for him completely vanished. Just.Like.That.
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
TrustedHer ( member #23328) posted at 7:10 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019
I wouldn't call it a relief, exactly, but it was a turning point.
Between D-Day#1 and #2, I was doing the pick-me dance, begging XWW to commit to our marriage, and basically the exact opposite of the 180. My physical and mental health was a shambles, I wasn't eating, and I was on multiple medications (antianxiety, antidepressants, heart meds). Trying to save my marriage (without commitment on her part) was killing me. Literally.
D-Day#2 opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to save my own life, and my marriage was over.
It was not a happy time, so not relief in that sense. But it did relieve me in one way: I knew in my heart that I had done everything I could to save my marriage, and I had no guilt that I pulled the plug too soon.
Please note that it was not really that easy. I did feel guilt; but looking back now I know the guilt was not justified.
Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.
secondtime ( member #58162) posted at 7:38 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019
Nope. No relief after DDay2.
But, after I felt "recovered" about 2.5 years after DDay1.
Outwardly my husband was a model WS.
What he failed to share with me is that he didn't fully accept he was an SA. I'm not sure he understood that, about himself, until DDay2.
Unfortunately, we had about 11 years in between DDays. That much extra time in a marriage really just muddies the water further.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:10 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019
Ulcerboy. Sorry you are here. Just curious if you were so unhappy and Suspected cheating occurred, why didn’t you just leave then?
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 11:44 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019
It was a relief in a way. It gave me the gift of clarity and acceptance that my WS would never “get it” and the M would never get better for me. It was one thing to lie and cheat on me and not really appreciate how devastated I would be, it was quite another to continue to lie and have contact knowing what that would be like for me. I would like to think that my Ex’s inability to have empathy for me would eventually been obvious without the lightening bolt that Dday 2 brought but I will always look at that second DDay as a gift.
Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide
Marz ( member #60895) posted at 1:54 AM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019
Granted I never found the smoking gun, if I had before I'd of called it quits a few years ago. Still no smoking gun now but plenty enough now.
All you need is enough to satisfy you.
Nothing changed so you got a repeat.
Sorry you're here.
Ulcerboy (original poster new member #51068) posted at 2:14 AM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019
The1stwife-
Ulcerboy. Sorry you are here. Just curious if you were so unhappy and Suspected cheating occurred, why didn’t you just leave then?
At the time I first started seeing the red flags I had to deal with my own personal "bucket of shit" that fell off the shelf about the same time-CSA. I thought I had dealt with it but obviously not and it spilled all over me at the same time. Lost all my self esteem/respect for a while.
I again have to thank this site-not just for all the good help and advice on infidelity, but also for finding in I can relate the site malesurvivor.org. That was a life saver believe me!
Back to the infidelity-I'm past the anger-just kind of empty now. In looking back I bared my soul to her about my CSA-all I got was that I should see a therapist-no what can I do to help-nothing.
It looks like I never really knew who she was and I agree that it took me too long to realize it.
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