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I don't cry tears for WH anymore. Not even after he gave me DDay 3, not even after knowing about OW's pregnancy and abortion, not even after knowing they had sex once during false R (I couldn't care less about WH's excuses about this), none of that.

But whenever I think about my parents my heart hurts so bad and the sadness I feel is so devastating.

Right now they're thinking their daughter is living the best life.

A loving husband, a great job, a new house, maybe a grandchild soon enough.

They have no idea that their SIL that they love like a son has betrayed me in the worst possible way, my entire saving was spent for renovation thinking about how happy we would be when we get to live in this house and of course a few months later I found out my WH was cheating on me, I would never have children with my WH (R or not).

My dad's health is poor, he has a heart condition and still recovering from a hemorrhagic stroke he had 2 years ago. I'm so terrified telling him about my problems will literally kill him, but if I D there's no way I can hide it from him.

My WH said to me the other day "Now you know how I feel when I didn't tell you about OW's pregnancy and abortion. It was to protect you. I wanted to solve the problem myself. Just like you're not telling your parents to protect them" I feel sick to my stomach hearing his words.

Does it really make me a liar like him not telling my parents?

Did you tell your parents about your situation with your WS? If so, how did they react?

[This message edited by Awan at 1:44 AM, March 26th (Thursday)]

No, I couldn’t do it. When I wanted to try to reconcile I didn’t want any negativity coming from outside sources. They would have been supportive but they would have looked at him differently. I’ve just always been a big believer of keeping marital issues away from parents because I’ve seen too much well-meaning meddling making things harder than they have to be. I don’t really think mine would. My dad would be angry at first and lose respect for him, though he’d support whatever I wanted and never let it show. My mom is very emotional, a little too.... invested I guess? It would break her heart. She tends to internalize everything. So it was as much for their protection as it was for mine and his.

That’s not to say I won’t ever for sure. I just take it a day at a time.

[This message edited by AintGonnaLose at 12:52 AM, March 26th (Thursday)]

I did within a week after DDay. My mom was devastated and cried a lot for me because both her marriages ended due to affairs. She knew something was off about me so I would not have been able to hide it for long. WH's parents are also very sad and disappointed. I felt like they all had a right to know and I needed my mom's support and guidance. None of our siblings know yet and unless we get a D, they never will.

Both sides are very supportive and want to see us overcome this.

I didnt tell my elderly Mum because she has got so much stress from my other siblings. She doesn't know alot of things. WH moved out for 10 weeks and she didn't know. But if we hadn't moved towards R but I ended the marriage, well yes I would have had to tell her. It hurts that I don't have a mum that I can just confide in but I just want to protect her. None of my familiy know, we are not close so it feels pretty lonely sometimes and I come on here and it gives me comfort

AintGonnaLose,

I was thinking exactly the same as you when R was a possibility for us, now it's more like D is our real possibility. I will tell them when I file for D but my dad's health is something I can't ignore.

SadHazelnut,

Do you regret telling your mom? I just don't want to hurt another innocent people because of WH selfishness.

getbusyliving,

I feel your pain and yes it feels lonely sometimes hiding this from our family especially when you see them and you're acting like everything is fine with you, it's like living a lie. I really hate it.

Yes I told my parents. Both of WH's parents are deceased, so he never had to face the shame with his family.

Your WH's comment are a false equivalency. There is a difference between telling your spouse about YOUR OWN A, and telling your parents about your SPOUSE's A. You are NOT responsible for your WH's crummy choices. Neither are your parents.

However, there is similarity in that if you put yourself in your parent's shoes, what would THEY want?

TBH, I don't understand all this "protecting" parents from hurt. I'm a mother, and if I learned either of my kids were hurting from any trauma, I'd feel pretty low and shut out if they hid that from me. Much as my kids can be a pain in the arse (and one is an addict refusing treatment), I love them deeply and want to support them in any way I can. If they told me that they kept their pain a secret bc they feared I was too fragile? I'd be hurt.

They are grownups. For all anyone knows, they've struggled with infidelity themselves and never told YOU bc it would hurt you or be inappropriate, or whatever.

My dad and I have not always been close. But he has been a GODSEND to me since dday. He's listened to me vent and rage and cry and everything. More than once he has been a rock when I really needed one. I am closer to him today than I was on dday. I have a deeper and greater appreciation for him than at any time in my life. My mom and I have been somewhat estranged for years (whole long story, but she's basically a narcissist), but I still told her. She has not managed to "step up" like my dad, but I never expected her to.

Just my $0.02.... put yourself in their shoes.

It doesn’t make sense why he would draw this analogy. Almost as if he is wanting you to tell your parents? Then justifying his not telling you about OW being pregnant, an OW he never should have had in the first place? This one is a class A asshole. It makes no sense. Most wayward don’t want anyone to know what has happened and the dialogue would be more along the lines of preventing BS from sharing with others outside of the marriage. Especially parents.

I told his mother only, by chance. She came around to my house one morning when everyone was at work and school. She saw OW pictures in my car and hotel room which I had printed out at the drug store and is been crying all morning so not easy to hide. She gave him hell for many months over it.

I didn’t tell my mom, be sayers he for sure would view him differently. My father lives in a another state and has a a sick wife so I never burdened him with my troubles.

From earlier posts it seems like you went through s lot of trouble for him regarding this OW. Sat in a lawyers meeting with him, kept his secret about where the aborted fetus is buried, etc. Now you state you don’t want to have children with him ever. Why would you endure all that for someone know who continued to hurt you? What are you getting out of this marriage?

First off, don't listen to your husband's justifications for lying to you. Like gmc said, that is a false equivalency. You would be telling your parents about something that happened TO you. He was actively deceiving you and hiding choices that HE made from you.

Re: telling, I told everyone on DDay. My parents, my brothers, my grandma, his parents, his brother. I didn't even think twice about it, it was my first instinct and I just went with it. It was a whirlwind, but it was like my brain just knew what it had to do.

My XH would tell you that this is one of the reasons he had to take it to the level that he did and actually leave me for her. Because I'm just too stubborn, have to have everything my way, couldn't keep stuff to myself, had to get our families involved etc. But he didn't view it how I do - our families were already involved. He had used them as unwitting pawns in his lies/schemes. They deserved to know the truth just as much as I did.

I honestly think that is part of why my brain went into overdrive and I notified everyone. It was like I instinctually knew that this is what needed to happen in order for me to feel safe. I needed it all out in the open. No more hiding from anything.

I agree, it will make people look at the WS differently. But, IMHO, if the WS cannot humble themselves to admit to and fully own the A, including making amends to the BS, but also any other family members or friends, then they aren't willing to truly be held accountable for their selfish choices.

It wasn't the outcome I wanted. I definitely didn't ask for him to leave me for her. But, I choose to view it as having freed myself from a partnership with a person who refused to be held accountable for his actions. If he couldn't handle my friends and family being angry at him for choices that he made, well, then he didn't deserve to be with me, or to even spend time with my awesome family.

If you tell, and he can't handle it? Maybe he's not such a good candidate for R.

FWIW, my Dad was in poor health on DDay, so I understand your concern. In fact XH was carrying out his affair on days when I was visiting my dad in the hospital. By the time DDay rolled around, we were still very much in the dark about what was making him so sick. Lots and lots of doctor's appts and hospital visits.

I still told him. There was just no way that I could keep that from him. My hand was forced a bit, I mean I had nowhere to go and ended up moving into my parents' house, but still, I could have given another reason why we were separating. I wouldn't have been able to keep that info to myself, though, I was so distraught.

My parents reacted the way I would have expected them to. Went into instant "fix-it" mode, came up to LA, helped me rent a U-haul and get all of my stuff out, then got a hotel room and stayed with me for a few days while I cried. Then we rented an Airbnb and they took turns coming to stay with me since I couldn't function on my own.

It sounds like you have a close relationship with your parents. I think they will of course be very sad to hear what you are going through, but I assume they would also be happy to support you through such a difficult time in your life. I love to see my DDs succeed and be happy of course, but I also take great pride in knowing that they can come to me with their problems and that they feel comfortable enough to let me be their shoulder to cry on.

"Now you know how I feel when I didn't tell you about OW's pregnancy and abortion. It was to protect you. I wanted to solve the problem myself. Just like you're not telling your parents to protect them"

It's a false syllogism. The act of getting married to somebody is a voluntary, conscious, knowing choice. The vows include promises of fealty, intimacy, honesty, respect. Your WH lied and broke his promise. His failure to be honest with you was the act of a weak man, a man who lacks the honor, a man who lacks the courage of his conviction to fulfill his voluntary promise to you.

From the perspective of a child, the act of becoming a child is 100% involuntary and unconscious. Your parents don't ask your permission before bringing you into this world. Parents provide for their children from a sense of unilateral duty and unilateral love. It's not a bilateral promise-based relationship of equals.

I do understand that shame is the basis, in both cases, for not telling. But shame has a different vector in the case of your relationship with your parents.

gmc94,

I play it out in my head going to my parents's house, sit with them, telling them all about it and I imagine my dad and my step-mom's face. They would cry, they will be in shock, it's like me giving them a DDay of sort.

I know they'd want me to tell them if I'm having troubles, they will support me on whatever I decide. I just don't know if I have the heart to do it right now.

I'm sorry to hear about your kid's addiction, I hope he/she will come around and get the treatment soon.

Marie2792,

WH told me several times he wants to come clean to my parents and I forbid him. I told him they're my parents so I should be the one telling them. He said he loves my dad and if I choose to D him he asked me to let him say goodbye to my dad. It really breaks my heart.

I no longer have the desire to understand his way of thinking, his mind is so fucked up. I know I'm nothing like him.

Your MIL sounds like a nice person I'm glad you have her to support you and good for her giving your WS hell for his choices. My MIL and FIL are in denial over his son's actions.

OW signed agreement letters of NC in any form including social media (with me and WH) and my lawyer told her if she breaks it I will sue her. WH said he's so grateful I helped free him from OW's grip and blackmail. He promised me he's done with lying, cheating, he wants to focus on rebuilding my trust. We'll see about that, I'm not buying it until I see it.

HeHadADoubleLife,

I know it's not the same, just like Marie2792 said he's a class A asshole.

But, IMHO, if the WS cannot humble themselves to admit to and fully own the A, including making amends to the BS, but also any other family members or friends, then they aren't willing to truly be held accountable for their selfish choices.

I agree with this statement. Own your shit, better yourself, be a safe partner. I'm sorry your XH was too selfish to understand this.

I know how hard it must be for you to tell your dad while he's not in a good health. I'm glad you got the support you needed, I rely on my bestfriend and SI for support but it gets lonely sometimes.

Butforthegrace

I don't even want to know if he truly thinks it's the same or just seeking justification for his fucked up choices. If I dwell on it I will go insane and punch him in the face.

"Now you know how I feel when I didn't tell you about OW's pregnancy and abortion. It was to protect you. I wanted to solve the problem myself. Just like you're not telling your parents to protect them"

Wow. Really? Another examples of a WS making a ridiculous justification or comparison. HE was covering his ass! You are actually concerned with someone else's feeling/health.

Not knowing your parents, I would suggest that you need to tell them before they hear it from someone else. I think that if you can show them that you are strong and you are going to be OK (which you will be) they won't take it too badly. I think your family will struggle with it if they see YOU struggling.

"Now you know how I feel when I didn't tell you about OW's pregnancy and abortion. It was to protect you. I wanted to solve the problem myself. Just like you're not telling your parents to protect them"

What a selfish and thoughtless thing for him to say. His A exposed you to STDs and the possibility of an OC. His cruel choices impacted your life whether you knew or not. He broke your vows. He didn't tell you to protect you. He was saving his own ass from D by hiding from you. He has no right to say that.

Your parents will be upset but at the end of the day, your marriage does not greatly impact them. They aren't the ones in it. They will move on from this much quicker than you will whether you R or D. Tell them at your own pace.

And if you do want children one day, kick your WH to the curb if you do not want them with him. Don't put any of your dreams on hold for him. Don't put moving out of the country on hold for him if that's what you want to do.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 7:07 AM, March 26th (Thursday)]

Yes, I told my parents. My mom blamed me. My dad was more supportive. No one expressed sadness or anger or hatred for my H.

I am seeing that my family is unique, though. We don't get emotionally involved in each other's personal lives like that.

Tigersrule77,

In his mind he was also concerned with my feelings that's why he lied. Bullshit.

I think I will tell them when I'm stronger, right now I'm a mess and I don't want my parents to see me this way.

nekonamida,

Yeah we can add that to the list of stupid and selfish things that WS says. I was stunned when he said that I had to ask myself is it true what he said, now I'm just angry. What a selfish SOB.

I don't want children right now but I will think about it some more, I'm turning 31 this year so I need to make the decision soon.

cocoplus5nuts,

Coco, I'm sorry about your mother blaming you. You didn't deserve it. You have us right here to support you

I am close to my mom ( my father passed away years ago )

I chose not to tell her because I wanted to protect her. She thinks my fWH walks on water and really loves him.

I didn't tell many people in general because I didn't want outside influences that could have impacted out ability to R.

On Dday #2 , I contacted his only sibling , a brother and his wife. I asked for them to let his father know. His mother has dementia, so no point to letting her know

I reacted out of rage and anger when I contacted the handful of people I reached out to that day. I am not even sure why I chose to tell them .

Dday #2 happened because fWH was traveling with our friend and business partner so he had the pleasure of being stuck with him on a long truck drive . I remember telling him that he should punch my fWH in the head

Also, I agree with the other posters who called out your WH's for his likening hiding his mess from you to protect you.

What he did is not the same in terms of protecting loved ones

Absolutely, I told. I was not taking the blame for divorcing. Told our kids, too, in age appropriate manner. Her folks, too and my siblings and brothers in law. Got tremendous support.

After DDay and realizing that a D was needed. I told my family and they in turn told my parents. My entire family was there to support me.

I know this is a lot of hopium, but I sometimes wish I didn't tell my family...as much as I love their support. My family knowing may have discouraged my WW from trying to reconcile. I'll never know...but I know for me right now the D is needed.

You need as much support as possible from people who love you! And they WANT to help you any time you are hurting. After all, would you want to be there for a loved one that is in pain?

Tell them! I did and never regretted it.