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I didn't tell my family, but that is because my mother is a very devout Catholic and her first response would be to ask what I had done to cause the cheating. Men are the head of the household and women are the heart. Women are supposed to keep their husbands happy. So, if he strayed, it must be because I didn't keep him happy at home. That is the last thing I needed when I found out. My father cheated on my mother as well, and she simply rugswept and "put it in the Lord's hands". I knew I couldn't do that.

As for what your WH said, that's just BS and I will echo what others have already said, it is a false equivalence! Not the same thing at all. He was protecting himself not you. Only you know what's best for you and your family. Stay strong!

My family does not know. And I chose that.

His family didn’t know at first and I chose that as well.

If I decided to R, I didn’t want input from anyone but our MC and IC.

About 9 months after Dday which was technically 1 year from A. She decided to message his family on FB. His dad first, which is hilarious because he is not involved in our lives and hasn’t been since my H was a kid.

His dad called his mom who also received a message from her. She called H and said get over here to her house now. Alone. And she drilled him.

Now idk who all knows.

Both my parents required a fair amount of “education” on affairs.

Both of them “blamed the M” and all that crap. So, it WAS a bit of a process to give them info that isn’t shown in the movie of the week. if either felt I had some fault, neither shared that with me (or if they did I’ve blissfully forgotten). I believe my mom had an A at the end of their M (she denies, but it was, at a minimum, an EA) and she was an OW for years (she didn’t know she was an OW, but chose to continue with the man after she knew about his SO). So, I think the disclosure and education on As has caused her some shame (and she’s a narcissist, so my WH’s A must have something to do with her... sigh). My dad once said it was OK for a WS to not tell a BS (I can’t even remember how that came up) ... that was a WTF moment!

I ultimately gave both my parents links to the Marnie Breecker interview on The Addicted Mind and that pretty much did the trick on reframing their outdated assumptions about infidelity.

I totally understand the concerns about unwanted advice and others not looking at my WH the same. That’s why I’ve not told any of our local social circle. If my family looks at him funny, that’s on him, as I feel he betrayed them just as much as anyone. They loved him and trusted him and welcomed him into their lives, just as I did.... and he chose to take a royal dump on all of it. So, if there are chasms in his relationship with any of my family, it’s up to him to fix that

OTOH, after his suicide attempt, I did have to tell his siblings. They are not close in the way my family is. One just pretends it never happened (not out of character, so we are good). The other was a jackass about all of it (also not out of character) so I now have even more reason to keep my distance, really limit my interaction and not subject myself to that BS judgment (I’m not bothering to educate them about this shit. Thats something I wish WH would do, but that would mean facing stuff and owning stuff and having MY back instead of his own).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:22 PM, March 26th, 2020 (Thursday)]

I told my MIL on Dday. Marched right down andcrsgedcsbout her daughter and shatvshechad done. Pulled no punches. Don't regret it for a second. My STBXWW recently told me that the knowledge of the affair is painful for my MIL and that she may never get over it. You see, I am learning to speak Narc. This is what I think she meant: my mother kniwcwhatca shitty person I am and I dont like that. I like to keep my secrets and gave other people think the best of me. The reason I didn't mention you just now is that we are not together anymore, so what you think does not affect me. Sucks, but its all about me...

WS's are a breed all unto their own. They are slippery rationalozation creatures who will cling onto whatever they can to make them feel better IN THAT MOMENT. They don't think about the logic. They don't reason. Ut is the same cognitive process that most likely aided them in their decision to cheat. The last thing they want is for people in their circle to know. It affects their ability to control the narrative and smoothly navigate their environment. It's like playing poker with your cards face up...no bluffing.

We haven't told any family about my WW's A's. A few close friends know on both sides, but that's about it.

I don't want my parents view of my WW to change at all. My WW is very caring and does a lot to help them, my Mom especially.

My WW told me it was my choice. Her side of the family would crucify her, eventhough they all have their own skeletons too.

This is something that is very personal and private to me and I keep it that way.

whoami62, Stinger, Anotheron3, Newlifeisgreat, fournlau, Walkingthewire, Justsomeguy, Jameson1977

I really appreciate your stories and input. Certainly put some perspective into my situation.

WH said he doesn't mind if I tell my parents or siblings, he will accept whatever consequences that may happen.

gmc94,

Good for you for 'educating' your parents on affairs. I'm sorry your mom is a narcissist, I know how exhausting it is living with one (my WH has NPD too).

Lucky your WH had you to support him through his suicide attempt while his family offered none.

My dad was a serial cheater. He cheated on my mom during their 14 years of M (my mom never told me how many times) then cheated again (once that I know of) during his M with my step-mom. It happened a few years before he was sick, I told my step-mom to kick him out of the house if he ever cheats again.

I think it was a wake up call for my dad hearing his own daughter was willing to side with her step-mom over her own dad he never cheats again after that.

My dad was a serial cheater.

Same.

I told my mother, and she was incredibly supportive. Of course, she's got great perspective (and was even a member here, I think, back when the site was brand new).

When I finally told my father, he told me that I had to figure out what the reasons were she "turned away" from me, because that was the heart of it all.

I'll never forget it.

[This message edited by Okokok at 6:01 AM, March 27th (Friday)]

Okokok,

Oh wow, your dad actually said that to you? I’m sorry it sucks.

I never think about it until now but there’s a possibility of my dad trying to ‘blame’ me at least partially for my WH’s A since he was also a WS. I mean he’d be sad and angry for me of course but if he says stuff like that I’d be crushed.

[This message edited by Awan at 10:02 AM, March 27th (Friday)]

I never think about it until now but there’s a possibility of my dad trying to ‘blame’ me at least partially for my WH’s A since he was also a WS.

I think it's very likely he would, actually. I mean of course I don't know him or you, but I have a sense that unless you dad completely changed his life and perspective, he probably has the same sensibilities he did back then.

My dad's final AP was the organist at our church and a family friend. He was the choir director. Not the first church member or family friend he had an affair with.

He eventually married her and now she's my "stepmother." When we interact, it's almost as if they have no recollection of the fact that I walked in on them having sex on the couch in the living room when I was a kid.

He asked me to be the best man at their wedding. Insanity, no?

You can imagine what my relationship with him (and her, and the church!) is like now, 20+ years later. Strained at best.

But he never changed and has the same perspective he once had: you know, he didn't cheat, or it was some how sanctified by god, or he was pushed into the arms of another woman by my awful mother...you name it.

He didn't learn much from his experience. Maybe your dad did, but I wouldn't count on it.

My parents were deceased but hers are very uneducated and "circle the wagon types". Most their kids have divorced and they always trash the ex's. However, due to my wife's betrayals, they were very understanding and good to me throughout. It helped.

None of our parents were told. In fact very very few people know (but quite possibly more than I realize since it involved two people in our large social circle, and some mutual friends remain).

The bottom line is to trust your gut. You know your parents, WS’s parents, the individual relationships, etc. There are no right or wrong approaches. But you can’t UN-tell so it merits some thought first.

My mom adores my FWH for all the reasons he deserves it - he’s an amazing dad, he’s really helpful around the house (if anyone does less than their share of housework... it’s me. Haha!), and has generally been a wonderful H. The A phase is long over and was by DDay and there’s just not much to be gained if I tell her. We aren’t close quite like that. It would be another DDay and a lot of painful rehashing for me. Also, she and my dad were divorced for a long time and he cheated on her. He has since passed away. I think it would bring up a lot of painful baggage for her. Seeing my H through her positive eyes stings a little but also heals a little.

His parents would be mortified. Absolutely horrified. It wouldn’t serve any purpose there either.

Now, so help me if there’s another DDay... I’ll tell the world and be gone.

I initially only told some friends, no family members. My father passed away years ago - before I even married WH. My mom is also very religious, stay married until death do you part no matter what, etc so I wasn't sure how she'd react. Also, should we R, I didn't want my family looking at him differently or wondering why I put up with it. I didn't want their input on how to handle things. Both of WH's parents have passed away. His father had an affair as did his father's father who had an OC with his AP. Due to this, WH was so very certain he would never do it because it goes against everything he believes in and is so wrong. Well we all know he was wrong about that.

When DDay happened, my mom could see what a mess I was. She knew it was an issue with WH but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her. With the limited information she had, she was her version of supportive (you are a good wife, just keep doing what you're doing, etc). About 13 months after DDay, and WH still blaming me, still not acting remorseful, not being accountable, etc and another blowout fight, I drove to my mom's and told her. I told her D was a distinct possibility and most likely probability as WH just doesn't get it. She told me I am not to blame. She offered me hugs and to call an attorney and judge she knows so I can talk to him about my options. I know she does not want me to D but she sees my pain and does not want that for me either. I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders when I told her. It is not my responsibility how she now views WH or how she does so in the future. I did ask her not to tell the rest of my family at this point although they know something is up. My one brother refuses contact with WH because he does not like how WH treats me. WH has a brother and sister who, as far as I know, know nothing other than we are having difficulties. As far as I know, WH has told no one but IC and a MC we used to go to. He does not want to look bad in someone else's eyes, does not want to be judged, says it's nobody's business. Obviously, WH is not owning it or doing what needs to be done to try to repair the damage or ease my pain.

The longer this drags out, the more objective I have become. I am gaining clarity which gives me some peace. To see what I've been living with even before the A. To see what I've been subjected to. And even what happens now (although I know how to respond now so not as much an issue). I think telling my mom kind of gave me strength and permission to be stronger because the outcome doesn't matter. If WH won't step up and pull his head out of his ass to be the man he needs to be, then I can recognize that and move on without him.

It was a difficult decision to tell my mom and it only happened when I felt like I was at my breaking point. You will know if and when it is time to tell.

Okokok,

What an awful thing to witness your dad having an A in your own home I'm sorry.

I remember finding tissues with lipstick stain inside my dad's car and one time a woman called my house at 4 a.m asking for my dad and she knew my name. My mom was livid.

thatbpguy,

I'm glad your in-laws were understanding and good to you. Mine are rug-sweepers.

GTeamReboot,

You're right once I tell my parents I can't un-tell them so I think I need to weigh the good and the bad carefully before telling them.

Here's to hoping no more DDay for you and me

BetterTimesAhead,

My FIL also had an A and an OC. I don't know what is it with people whose parents were cheaters yet they finally become one. Both me and WH saw the first hand how affairs can bring such destruction to a family, traumatized the spouse and kids, the list goes on.

Like you I also gain some clarity on my WH. His lack of empathy, his selfishness, his entitlement, all the things I used to overlook because I love him and I tried to accept his flaws. I too have many flaws. I never thought his flaws are red flags for a cheater.

No. My mother had early dementia. She’s in the nursing home now.

I cringed when she asks how my ex is doing! Thankfully she doesn’t mention him often.

Nursing home is closed to visitors indefinitely.

I never told my coworkers either - it’s been almost 3 years.

At my insistence we didn’t tell our families. My Mom is the Queen of Gossip... she would’ve called all of her little gossip friends and the word would’ve been all over town. She’s constantly telling me about who is cheating on who, whose getting divorced, etc. I don’t even act interested, but she just cannot help herself when she has a piece of gossip. She’ll say “I just heard Johnny Johnson was cheating on Jenny Jenson!” And I’ll say “mom, I don’t even know who the hell that is!” But she launches into the story anyway. Ugh...

My Dad would’ve been extremely awkward. He certainly never would’ve been able to look my wife in the eye again, out of awkwardness. I don’t think I’ve ever had a serious conversation with my Dad in my entire life. Anytime I’ve ever tried in the past, he kinda turns the conversation to something light, like talk about the weather or something. It would’ve been all bad and no good telling my parents.

WWs parents are all kinds of fucked up. Her Dad was a WS, and he’s the most selfish person I’ve ever met. I talk to him at key holidays like Christmas, and that is literally it. Her Mom is a very religious woman, whose #1 purpose in life is to take care of her husband, even if he’s a an awful human being. She’s such a doormat, and he walks all over her... their dynamic absolutely disgusts me. He’s so awful to her, and she just rolls with it because that’s what good Christian wives do.

I haven’t told anybody. I have a brother, but we aren’t really close. He’d just be awkward like my Dad is and change the subject. I have tried to tell a couple of my close friends before, but I can’t. Once that cats out of the bag, it’s out for good. My wife has told her brother (who is in an open marriage and bangs many different women... he didn’t see what the big deal was), and her sister. Her sister’s marriage is so toxic and fucked up, they make us seem like the Waltons.

But I haven’t told anyone, except you people. Thanks for being my outlet.

Awan,

My FIL also had an A and an OC. I don't know what is it with people whose parents were cheaters yet they finally become one. Both me and WH saw the first hand how affairs can bring such destruction to a family, traumatized the spouse and kids, the list goes on.

Like you I also gain some clarity on my WH. His lack of empathy, his selfishness, his entitlement, all the things I used to overlook because I love him and I tried to accept his flaws. I too have many flaws. I never thought his flaws are red flags for a cheater.

A person who has a parent that is a cheater is more likely to be a cheater themselves. I did not learn this, unfortunately, until after DDay. If I had known before I got married it definitely would have warranted a discussion. Maybe it is because they emulate their parents. Maybe they have the same crappy coping skills. Who knows.

My WH has the same flaws and I did not realize they were red flags for a cheater either (again, until after DDay). Either I didn't even see it or just overlooked it as it was not aimed at me. I never thought it would be because he loves me (so stupid I know). All cheaters think they and their situation are so unique and so special but they are all the same. Where they differ is in the aftermath - some work hard to rebuild trust and the relationship and dig to find out their flaws so they can work on changing themselves and others just marinate in their selfishness.

Yooper,

Sorry to hear about your mom

I hope you can find the support you need here in SI

Fenderguy,

I'm sorry you can't get support from your family/in-laws. We got your back, keep posting!

BetterTimesAhead,

My WH swore he would be nothing like his dad and hated him for a long time because of the A and the OC. The apple fall so close to the tree.

[This message edited by Awan at 8:37 PM, March 28th (Saturday)]