SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can’t believe I’m finding myself here. Like so many others, I never saw myself in this situation....until it happened.

I will keep things brief, but my wife had an affair for years with a colleague. DDAY was August 2019. It happened over a 3 week period. I got an email from OMW That was pretty vague but that I shouldn’t believe her or trust her and that she has been cheating for years. I didn’t want to believe it. She came home, we talked, and she said that they made out once and that was it. 3 weeks later, after she could tell I was still hurting and having a really bad day, we argued. The next night she came home and confessed it was physical for years but had ended 4 years ago.

OMW won’t leave either of us alone - and her constant barrage of notes hasn’t helped our mental state, but I do have to thank her because without her I wouldn’t have had DDAY 2 last week. See, I got another email, and I asked ww some questions, and found out that there was much more to the story.

See, since august, we have née going to MC, and she assured me she was open and had nothing else to hide. We were closer and had a better relationship than ever before. I hadn’t forgiven, but it wasn’t the first thing I thought of. The quarantine was amazing - she lost her job, I work at home, and we were connecting like never before. We can afford it financially, so it didn’t really bother me.

Last week when that hit, I asked for a written timeline as details kept changing. We went over it during our MC this week. Turns out, their last rendezvous was only 3 mo this before I found out. I spent the last 8 months trying to reconcile with someone who kept the truth still. I did everything right. I said it was a safe space. I heard details that crushed me. But the full story, she couldn’t give me.

I guess I don’t know what I want here other than to tell my story. I haven’t talked to anyone other than ww and MC. I asked her to start IC, to figure out her why. I can only hope she can.

I guess right now I’m just angry. Angry that a 12 year marriage had 6 of it with her stepping out. Angry that I had no choices here. Anger that she says we were not doing well and that was part of it. I remember a period we were not doing well....then we did everything better. She tells me “she didn’t know how to stop” and that’s why it kept going.

I think finally I have understood, after 8 months, that I truly can’t change her. I can’t make her who I want her to be. She isn’t who I thought she was. I don’t know what the future holds.

She says she is remorseful but she said that 8 months ago and still lied. I feel like I’m in a dream. I’m trying to just do me now, focus on work, and then do what I want after. This is my life, and my choice. I get to be who I want, and I get to sleep at night knowing I’m better than they both are. She is in our guest room currently....her own choice, but one I’m happy she made.

8 months of reconciling. Of kicking myself, thinking about what went wrong in the past and how I missed the signs. Thinking about the sessions where she poured her heart out-but now I know she didn’t.

How can I ever believe her again? How can I ever trust her?

Thanks for listening. And letting me vent. I have been lurking here since august, and you all amaze me. This lgroup has been my therapy.

I would never trust this person again. She is one evil mf.

No truth no real R.

See, since august, we have née going to MC, and she assured me she was open and had nothing else to hide. We were closer and had a better relationship than ever before.

The one truth. All cheaters lie a lot.

You’d be wise to see what is versus what you want to see.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:09 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

Stop the marriage counseling, what is wrong with her isn't wrong with the marriage. The betrayed wife knows more of the truth than you do. My cheating husband told the other woman more truths in their 8 year affair than he has ever told me. your wife's affair partner told his wife every dirty secret that your wife told him. She's probably still pissed that your believe your wife. maybe call her and explain you are hurting and that you know she is too and that you hope all of you can move on but that you need to focus on your life now and she should do the same. don't threaten her with anything in this convo. afterwards if it continues one more convo to explain you have been hurt enough and will have to contact a lawyer if it doesn't stop. polygraph your wife.

Just adding it pisses me off the Wayward is so eager to go to marriage counseling to figure out what is wrong with the marriage not so much IC to figure out what is wrong with them.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 1:12 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

I’d stop MC. The marriage isn’t broken. Your wayward wife is.

MC’s are notorious rug sweepers which will just make this worse plus the sometimes blame the betrayed spouse when the affair is100% on the wayward.

HurtbyBestFrnd67

there was much more to the story

Seldom does a WS divulge everything when first confronted.

I wish that I could reassure you that your WW has told you everything but based on her actions, which are pretty typical for a WS, I can only assume there is much more you have not yet been told.

Have you considered a polygraph?

Some swear by a poly and others not so much but it may be tough to start healing yourself or finding any peace until you know everything.

How can I ever believe her again? How can I ever trust her?

She has cheated and lied. Please keep that in mind as you talk with her as many WSs are very good at story telling.

As with this pandemic, when things return to normal it may be a lot different from the normal you knew before.

If you ever see true remorse you may have an opportunity to happily reconcile.

But it will take years for that to happen.

And it can only happen if you are willing to reconcile.

No one would say anything if you decided to D.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:18 AM, May 8th (Friday)]

So you weren't doing well, and she couldn't stop. That's it? For cheating for half you marriage and lying for another 8 months? If that's all you have after 8 months of R and mc I guess all I can say is you have one expert pathological liar and user on your hands.

Many will come along with advice. My only question is what do you want? What is it that you find redeeming in her? What would you need to consider staying after a betrayal like this?

And all she can come up with is camping out in the guest room?

Hard to figure out a life story from a few paragraphs but she sure doesn't sound like a keeper.

Also, you should get every iota of info you can from obw. She is certainly more responsible than your polyamorous wife.

H67,

Did we read you right,,,? Cheating for over half the marriage...? That you know of? Then lied and was in the airfare during MC?!?!

For me, some sins are unforgivable!!!

I filed immediately and never looked back. I still look upon that decision as the single best decision in my life personally, I believe that marriages are like stools in that it depends on 3 legs...

Love

Respect

Trust

i don’t believe someone could love you and still sleep with another person. No matter what the condition of the marriage, how could love someone and cause the level of devastation and pain to the so called loved on by your selfish behavior of sleeping with someone else?

The cheater certainly doesn’t respect you and therefore sleeps with another person. It would be the epitome of DISrespect if they even brought their lover into your home, let alone allow them to have your spouse in your bed!

And as for trust, how could you ever trust your cheating spouse again? How can you not wonder if she is in bed or the back seat with someone else anytime she is 10 minutes late. Or sure, you could keep constant watch over all of her electronics and watch the tracking program on their phone, but is that the life anyone really wants? That doesn’t sound like a marriage to me.

And yes, I will agree that a stool can still work if one of the legs is damaged, but them it is just too uncomfortable to be useful.

So, I’m sorry my friend, but the short answer to your questions are smoke.

You will never believe her, and you will never trust her again.

She has been putting you through Hell!! Why would you ever want to continue this life????

Good luck and stay strong!!

You don’t deserve ANY of this.

Finally, no matter what you do, make sure that you are always able to look in the eye of the person in the mirror

Firstly, 100% of WS lie. It's an inescapable component of every affair. Secondly, 100% of WS provide trickle truth after DD. The motives for TT may vary (don't want to hurt you, desire to continue the affair, shame, etc. etc.) Personally, I firmly believe that no WS ever comes 100% clean with the truth of what happened, what they feel/felt, what the think/thought, etc. To seek 100% disclosure is a fool's errand. To believe you've received it is delusional. Why do I state the obvious? Because these are universal truths you must confront and accept if you want to continue a relationship with a WS. Don't deceive yourself into believing your or WS are the exception. You are not. You must take these truths, plus all you know about your particular situation, into account in deciding whether you want undergo the arduous and uncertain task of Plan A (building a new relationship with WS), or instead, pursue the less burdensome, but equally uncertain, Plan B. IC can help you with this decision. If you chose Plan A, you both must put in the same amount of work you did when you built your relationship the first time. As with nearly everything in life, there are no "right answers" or guarantees. Also, by pursuing Plan A, neither you nor WS forego the right to chose Plan B at some point in the future.

Thanks for the hard truth. I think this is the first time I really believe it honestly - I spent the last 8 months convincing myself that I was ok with this and that she had changed, could, would, and that it isn’t who she is but something she did.

Now, I won’t say this is who she is. I don’t know that. What this has taught me is that I don’t know her. She may be this evil person and she may have something broken in her that needs fixing - but I do know that’s on her to fix not me.

I will respectfully disagree about the MC. While there have been rug sweeping moments, the therapist does help me see things differently. She helps to rephrase what I’m saying, what she is saying, and helps me to see the difference between what is said and how it is interpreted. That being said, I 100% agree that I placed too much emphasis on it and fixing the relationship when that isn’t what was broken - she is. I see that now.

I do believe she has ended it. From what I know from OMW, the details pieced together, I do. Especially considering quarantine - when it ends who knows.

I guess the part I am struggling with is how much I still WANT to believe her. I want to think she is being honest. I want to think she loves me. I want to believe her that there were no feelings there, it was “just sex”. I want to believe all of it because it makes it hurt less.....but this time I just don’t.

I know I am too trusting. It’s funny, I took a really long class that went on for a year all about finding who you are, being your true self, and most of it in the context of leadership. I have read some amazing books, and totally changed how I see the world. I am more realistic, I speak my mind, stand up for what I believe in, and I have seen such growth in myself. I wrote out my own strengths and weaknesses - one of my weaknesses was being too trusting. Didn’t know then that it applied to her.

I told her the other night that I always knew she was a liar. She has always been one. She embellishes things, and has no issue lying to people. She can omit things, or suggest things without saying it, which to me is lying but it doesn’t phase her. The thing is, I always thought I was inside the circle of trust, and that I was exempt from it. How stupid it sounds now thinking about it...but that’s honestly how I went through life.

I lost my cool last night. I said some things I shouldn’t have. I have ignored her for the day today. She just left me a note that she wants to talk tonight and how sorry she is and that she is here. What hurts is never knowing if a word is sincere. How do I know she ACTUALLY cares, is ACTUALLY sorry, and all the other things I need to know. Why should I even give her the chance to explain when she didn’t give me the chance to decide? She chose to stray - and she took my choices away from me.

I guess I just don’t know what true remorse looks like. I know there is no quick fix, that this will take years. I get it, and I don’t wa t to rush or hurt like this ever again....I will treat myself as priority one.

I feel different this time. Last time she to,d me I was so hurt, so shocked, so in utter disbelief. This time, I feel like I knew it was going to happen. My gut told me there was more there. I knew it. Now I’m not surprised, now, I’m just mad. Mad that I gave it another go. Mad that I committed to working on us, and she half assed it. Mad that more memories are now tainted knowing what was going on. Mad that my partner, and best friend, could hurt me so badly. I wish she could understand what it feels like. I read this on another post somewhere here and I keep thinking about it. Basically it was “they get to have one of the most exciting, fun, great feeling moments and activities in their lives, while we have the most painful shitty experience in ours.” Yea sure feels hella unfair.

I should add, I’m pretty irritated that the one thing I truly enjoy, pot, makes me go down into a tailspin into a dark place. It happened 8 months ago when I found out, and it’s happening again now. I was seeing white with rage after a little toke or two. Hoping I can clear that up quicker than last time....I need the distraction.

Well, the good news is that you FINALLY got the timeline. Although, after eight months of being lead down the garden path, no one could blame you if you felt like it was too little and too late. That's entirely up to you. No cheater is owed a second chance, no matter how remorseful they claim to be. Your WW made her choices... and now it's YOUR turn to decide what's right for you. Don't let anyone influence your decision on that. This is one of those times in your life when you need to be ruthlessly selfish about what it is that you really want going forward. R is difficult and as it progresses, you eventually need to be able to take complete ownership of your choice to be there.

Marriages don't cheat. People do. People with a flaw in their character which is capable of saying "yes" to sustained perfidy. THAT's what you're dealing with, a partner who's stated values don't align with her actual deeds. And you can't fix that. She's the only one who can... and it typically takes years of grueling, introspective work in therapy.

So, if it makes you feel better to continue in MC, that's up to you. Just make sure that you don't tolerate ANY blame-shifting. Nothing you did (or failed to do) can cause a person to commit acts which are in direct opposition to their stated beliefs. What that means is that your WW vowed her loyalty and faithfulness, but those concepts aren't really meaningful to her. She doesn't share your values, not really. She's just been giving lip-service to them.

If you're unhappy with your living arrangements and uncertain as to what you'd like to do, you might consider a therapeutic separation. Get out on your own for a few months and see how you feel when she's not in your face every day. Maybe meet once a week for a MC session or progress report, maybe go NC if you're just not up to dealing with it. The important thing is that you start feeling free to make the right choice for YOU. Remember, no one else has to live your life. You might get advice from family, friends, therapists, strangers in internet forums, but none of us has to live with whatever choice you make. So, take your time, take space if you need it, and be true to yourself.

Strength and healing to you.

You can't fix your M when your partner is a liar. The only thing she has proven to you over the last year is that you STILL can't trust her.

You should immediately quit the MC. It clearly is NOT helping, as your WW continues to lie.

I would suggest you start the 180 and cut contact with your WW. It will allow you to detach so you can think and assess your situation clearly.

Have you spoken to an attorney yet? You should take steps to protect yourself now, so whatever you decide to do, you can be prepared.

I told her the other night that I always knew she was a liar. She has always been one. She embellishes things, and has no issue lying to people. She can omit things, or suggest things without saying it, which to me is lying but it doesn’t phase her. The thing is, I always thought I was inside the circle of trust, and that I was exempt from it.

Me too. My fWH is a huge liar and teller of tall tales. Always was. But, like you, I thought I was on the inside.

After five years of R, just last week he told some neighbors that our dog used to open the fridge and bring him beers. A total whopper. We've never had a dog who could open the fridge and my fWH hardly ever even drinks beer.

I don't know why they do it. Right now, we're still in R and I'm certain he's not cheating again. But it's troubling to see these behaviors reemerge years after you thought they were resolved. We are much older than you are though and have been married over 35 years. I do think that if I was a younger woman with the vitality and energy of youth, I'd have just thrown in the towel and started over. And of course, when I catch him in lies like the example above, I'm not completely certain I might not do it anyway.

Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover

It’s a free pdf and short.

It’s perfect for you

Liars are the absolute worst people in life, FULL STOP. It doesn’t matter if it is a friend, business partner or a spouse. If you can’t believe what someone tells you on a regular basis cut them out of your life as it will lead to misery.

Clearly, this marriage is one she checked out of years ago. Why is she still in your house? Show her the door, pack her stuff and file papers. You don't mention children so that's good,fewer complications. Tell her she can retrieve her stuff via a trusted third party. As much as you can, go no contact with her. There's no coming back from this. That's ENTIRELY my opinion but I don't doubt many would agree.

Sorry you're here.

One thing you'll hear a lot and I 100% agree with is expose. Exposure is the top disinfectant for an affair. It seems you found out from the OBS (other betrayed spouse=OMW=Other Man's Wife). I'm sure you were happier to know than to continue to live a lie. But you are still being lied to. Tell your friends. Don't say you are going through a rough patch. Tell her friends, don't let her spin a narrative that YOU are the problem. If you work through it, there should be no shame in saying, "My wife had an affair, she recommitted to me, we worked really hard on it, and I believe she won't do it again." Actions have consequences. You aren't damaging her reputation, SHE damaged her reputation.

With that out of the way, in the grand scheme of thing, I gotta agree with KingofNothing. No kids, get the hell out of there. It's hard enough to find a decent MC. I had to fire my first one, I'm still deciding how I feel about the second one. It seems unlikely I'm going to be able to work things out.

AFAIK, my wife didn't sleep with her AP, and I have kids, and I still think D is the most likely outcome. If she had been in a six year long affair, there wouldn't even be a chance for R. Now, you are your own person, and maybe you can see past that. And you will have to see past it. She cannot change the past even if she improves herself (which is unlikely).

What are you trying to salvage here?

How do I know she ACTUALLY cares, is ACTUALLY sorry, and all the other things I need to know.

It starts when you feel you have a baseline of truth from her, she gives up lying entirely, and over time she stays consistent and proves it to you. It sounds like you don't have that yet. You should consider asking her to take a polygraph based on the timeline she gave you. Obviously if she declines or backs out at any point, you don't have a baseline of truth to work with.

Her sincerity and remorse starts when she STOPS blaming your marriage and you for why she started cheating. Like you said, the rough patch improved rather quickly. Rough patches are normal. No one's marriage is perfect. If she truly believes that a rough patch is a justifiable reason to cheat, what's to stop her from doing it again the next time things get stressful?

Her remorse also starts when she stops minimizing her involvement in the A. 6 years? Doubtful it was just sex. She could have gotten sex from you but she didn't. Saying things like she didn't know how to stop absolves her of some responsibility. Well, she wasn't possessed when it happened. This isn't invasion of the body snatchers. So she chose to keep this going for 6 years. She needs to own that before she can be remorseful.

Don't listen to her when she claims remorse and honesty now. Your gut is right. She's lying about at least one of those things and possibly more. Ask yourself, is this enough 8 months out after DDay 2? Because it looks and sounds a lot more like round 2 of a slightly less half assed attempt at R. It's not R yet. If you tapped out now, NO ONE would blame you. You don't owe her chance #3 especially if this is what she's bringing to the table. You have options. You can demand more (polygraph, IC, no more blame, no more minimizing). You can see a lawyer and start the process now and stop if she comes around. But whatever you do, DON'T continue with the status quo. It didn't work before DDay #2 and it's not going to work now.