SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yesterday I caught my wife cheating, but tomorrow we will have been married 15 years. I feel lost and shattered.

I have nobody to talk to, so please indulge me.

I entered this relationship with serious trust issues because I had been cheated on before by a girlfriend. My, not yet, wife insisted that if I love her I must trust her and that the two can't exist separately. I never believed that, but I accepted it and so I trusted her. For 17 years (15 married) I trusted her.

Fast forward to this January when we decided our children need an actual house to grow up in, not just our apartment, so we began house-hunting. We made plans for our future and day-dreamed with our girls about the perfect house in the perfect area. My wife and I talked about growing old and being visited by our future grandchildren. She even suggested that we try for another child, and adopt a dog.

By February I had begun having some minor suspicions about "odd" behavior, but I ignored them as a product of my longstanding trust issues, suppressed as they were.

By March these odd behaviors had accumulated and by April I couldn't ignore them any longer. I won't go into all the details, but briefly I'll mention that she was suddenly guarding her phone closely, coming home with new jewelry which she claimed her mom gave her, she was frequently spending the night at her best friend's house and her mom's house (she claimed the quarantine was driving her stir crazy), and a certain man's name kept being spoken more and more frequently. This man, a coworkers of hers, was described to me as an elderly man closer to retirement than anything. He had also just bought a house, and, coincidentally, it was very near the area she had suggested we look to buy. This man had several boxes from his move so my wife had several reasons to go visit him and get more boxes. One day, Facebook recommended I become friends with him, and to my surprise, this "elderly man, was not elderly at all, but our age. She denied ever describing him as older, and I chose not to insist otherwise.

The final nail in this coffin was only a couple of weeks ago when we were about ready to officially move and we were up at the new house finishing some work on it. She was cold and distant to me all morning, but her mood improved a bit when she was, supposedly, told there'd be a virtual fundraiser she had to attend so she decided she had no choice but to visit her coworker since we didn't yet have internet at the new house. I told her to go down the road and use the McDonalds free WiFi, and she couldn't think of a reason why that couldn't work so her mood darkened again. 30 minutes later she had decided she's going to the coworker's house anyway, just because. She came back 3 hours later literally singing and dancing as she entered the house. I instantly knew I had to find out.

So I bought a GPS tracker and mounted it on her car just yesterday, in time for a sudden visit to her uncle's house down in the city. When she came back I asked her very careful questions about her route and everything she did and saw because I was planning on comparing her story to the GPS data and I wanted to be sure she couldn't change the story later. After she went to bed, I uploaded the data and saw for myself she drove out of her way to her coworker's house and spent 1 hour and 35 minutes there. Then I got her phone and snooped, finding the most recent messages she hadn't yet deleted, where she told him how she enjoys it when he bends her over, and other such talk.

So I put on a pot of coffee and woke her up for the talk. I started by very calmly showing her the evidence and how I obtained it and so I asked her to please only be honest with me. As far as I know she was. She confirmed her affair, the jewelry, the overnight visits, guarding her phone, that it started in February, all of it. We stayed up talking until 4 in the morning when she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore. Her best explanation as to why she cheated was that she wanted to feel wanted by another man again.

Here's why I'm feeling broken and alone: Everyone I trusted in our lives essentially knew about it and in some ways helped her do it. Her mom covered for her (about spending the night), her best friend went on double dates with her and him; her brother, her uncle, they all knew. And I have nobody. No family, no friends, all I have is my children who I can't talk to about this, and my wife.

To make things worse, I'm a "house-husband" (stay-at-home-dad), so I have no income and I'm entirely dependent on her. I also have no usable degrees, no prospects for employment beyond fast-food, no safety nets, no car . . . I'm all alone out in the cold. And I can't stop crying. I've never been a crier. I didn't cry when my parents died, nor when my uncles, nor even when my dog died. Crying just never was how I expressed my sadness, but I've been breaking down in tears every 10 minutes since our talk ended. I can barely get through a sentence with my girls before having to run away in tears. They want to know why, but I can't tell them, and I don't even know what my immediate future looks like.

I asked her, if she could choose anything, how would she like to proceed from here, and she told me she'd like for us to go back to normal as if it never happened, but she'd also like to keep seeing him.

I can't live like that. I'm torturing myself with images of what they've been doing behind my back. There's no possibility that I'll move passed this and even trust her to run out to the store for milk. I can't. But I can't tear this family apart either. I know it's her doing and not mine, but it's my decision to act on it or not, and I don't want my girls to go through any of that. Besides, what I am to do? Divorce her and lose custody of my kids because she has a career with a future and I'm flipping burgers? Am I supposed to stand by and be the guy who has to convince his kids to accept mommy's new boyfriend? Watch some other man raise my girls and provide them with material happiness while I can get them nothing more than discounts on junk food from my job at McDonalds?

We were a good, happy family, damn it. We really were happy. We ate family meals, played board games, went on trips, had picnics, and spent time together. I feel like I've been living the "too good to be true" life all this time and it finally proved right.

My wife is staying in bed and I'm asking strangers for support online.

I can't even answer the most basic questions in my life right now. I asked to stop seeing him and she agreed, but only socially because he is her coworker and not the kind she can avoid. She has to deal with him, and that's fine right now since it's all remote, but her employer has already started transitioning people back into the offices, so what happens then? I have projects that need done around the house, but I don't know if I should even bother because what's the point? Can we keep living here? Do I even want to? She picked this area because it was closer to him. Everything, every part of my life, is now tainted and ruined by this. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I either explode this matter, reveal everything to my kids, and file for divorce taking one day at a time, not knowing how I will even keep a roof over my head, or put my head down, act like nothing happened and watch imagined sex tapes of my wife and her boyfriend in my head every time she leaves the house? This is no way to live. She broke our marriage, our family, and our happiness. I still can't believe she'd throw all this away for that.

I just want to turn back time and get a redo. But that;s a fantasy, and I can't live in a fantasy when real life is waiting impatiently for a decision.

Please, someone help me.

Oh Paul, I hate to hear this shit....your story absolutely broke my heart!

There are so many wonderful people here who will give you love, support and advice. They'll be here soon.

I know you're drowning right now. Just know that everyone who responds has been down this deep, dark hole that you're in right now.

Everybody's story is different but the pain, disbelief and trauma is the same for all of us.

We're here for you, Paul. Please believe that!

Damn. I'm sorry this happened to you. She's got you trapped doesn't she? At some point she talked you into being a SAHD, lost all respect for you as a result, and now she holds all the cards financially. And to make matters worse she did this at a time when the economy is going down the tubes and jobs are scarce.

The truth is my friend, your WW has checked out of the marriage and is no longer your wife in her mind. No respect or love there. Don't expect her to be on your side in any way. She is keeping you around as a housekeeper and babysitter, and it is even worse that her family is in collusion.

Let me ask you: do you have any marketable skills?

Do you have a college education? Are you able to at least find some form of employment even if it is minimum wage?

Are the children toddlers or school age?

Well shit, all I can tell you is the only way to take back control over your life is to do just that, and it will be a long and laborious process. First, you need to find a job man. Even if it is bussing tables, digging ditches or pushing a broom for a temp agency. Start saving money to get your own place. Save it in an account she cannot get to.

Keep everything close to the vest. Do not tell her you are on this forum. Do not tell her anything. Go to the Media Library and read up on The 180 and do that. Keep reading and don't give up on us. You are going to hear some harsh stuff from some of the posters here. But absorb what people here tell you. These are good people on this site and they do want to help you.

That's all for now from me.

Sorry you're here.

Unless you want to fuck your own shit up like mine (see my thread), she needs a new job. If she is unwilling, just divorce now. You'll save yourself a lot of time and wasted effort on a hopeless reconciliation.

I wish you the best.

Paul81,

You are being too hard on yourself.

I cannot comment on it but I bet if you ask any other person who manages a household they will remind you that to run a house takes the following:

The ability to budget, the ability to schedule, the ability to manage, the ability to plan ect.

These skills you have would translate well in a project management position, personal assistant or even a life coach type of position.

Your existence nor your self-worth is tied to your WW.

Stay strong.

Man, my heart goes out to you. There will be others that will come that have more wisdom than me. But here are my suggestions. First and foremost, file for divorce.

...she'd like for us to go back to normal as if it never happened

Tell your wife there is no going back to normal. The new normal is you are a cheater, who has chosen another man over me. In this case, I would inform HR that your wife and her AP are having an affair. If she wants to save the marriage, she needs to show it by ending all contact with the AP. This means she needs to quit her job. She needs to inform HR of the affair. She needs to cut every person that new of the affair and helped her out of her life. Yes, that means mom, siblings, best friend, uncles, whoever. Out of her life, and with minimum contact with her mother and siblings. She would need to write a timeline of the affair telling you everything. But to be honest, I would file for divorce, like today. Go 180 on her and tell the kids that you two may get divorce because mommy hurt daddy so much that you don't know if you want to stay with her. And lastly, you have skills that can translate into a good job. Have someone help you create a resume and look for a job that would take care of yourself and her girls. You have more worth than you think. Your wife showed no respect for you or your marriage. She showed no respect for what you two built. File for divorce, ask for alimony, and get out of infidelity. Do not accept any blame for this affair. It is 100% her fault, her doing, and her issue. I am so sorry.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 10:37 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Hi Paul,

I'm sorry you are here. Your story is heart-breaking and by the end I was sad but then I was also angry as hell for you. Let's get one thing straight right now. You cannot accept this:

and she told me she'd like for us to go back to normal as if it never happened, but she'd also like to keep seeing him.

Because what she really means is let's go back to when you did not know of the Affair and I will keep seeing the POSOM. This Affair is not over. She can see all the things you can see of the financial side and thinks she has you stuck. She does not. I think you need to talk to an attorney today. You seem to have a sort of 1960s idea of Divorce and you need to get rid of that by getting educated. Divorce laws have changed. Your WW is the breadwinner here so all of the stuff that you might think applies to you applies to her. She will owe you spousal support (alimony) for some time, varies by state. The law almost always defaults to 50/50 custody and as the primary caregiver right now you might get more. The gender bias still exists against men but it is changing and it is not as cut and dried as you might think. She will also most likely have to pay you child support.

You will need to get a job. That is not a bad thing. It will help you heal and get you feeling better about yourself any way. Do not assume that fast food is all you can get. There are options, start looking into them.

You cannot live like this. I can tell. I don't normally say this right off the bat but for me I can't see how this ends in any way other than Divorce for your mental health. She is telling you she wants to keep seeing him. She does not want to leave her job. Her family actively participated in the Affair, covering and socializing with the POS. I just don't see how this works out any other way than Divorce. Is your WW going to quit her job and cut off her family? Can you ever be around her mother, her brother, uncle, best friend again? I don't see how. Is she going to cut them off? I don't think so.

I am sorry. Don't just accept this. Get angry and find your voice. If she won't immediately cut him out of her life I really think you need to start moving forward with a Divorce. Talk to an attorney ASAP. You'll feel better with some education and forward movement in your life.

You are going to get fantastic advice here. Listen to them and start an action plan of getting out of infidelity and getting your life back based on what they tell/suggest to you.

You need to consult a lawyer right now, you need to start the 180 right now, you need to schedule an STD screening right now. Read the healing libraries and the book "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life"

Hi Paul81, I'm really sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found this place. Please be sure to check out the Healing Library (lefthand side of the page) and read everything you can there, especially the BS FAQ.

There are also two posts pinned to the top of this forum, and then if you scroll down and back a bit, you'll see a few others with a little "target" symbol. You should read all of those, too.

You say you have no one to lean on here, so please lean on us. Remember that everyone here was once in a position remarkably similar to your own. Workplace affairs, navigating this with kids, being a stay-at-home spouse...there are people here with deep experience in all of this.

Post as much and as often as you need to. You can get advice on keeping yourself sane and healthy as well as getting out of this infidelity situation.

Something to *really* start wrapping your head around as soon as you can is that, while your situation is unique to you, infidelity is often the same story over and over and over. Affairs follow standard patterns. WS's (wayward spouses) all tend to do and say the same things. Same for BS's (betrayed spouses). Same for APs (affair partners).

This means that the people here on SI have a collective wisdom and advice-bank to share with you that will be accurate and true 99% of the time. In fact, we can often predict just what your WW (wayward wife) will do and say before she does and says it. We can likely predict, to a stunning degree of accuracy, exactly what will happen in any given circumstance. The wisdom here is that good.

We also know the tried and true methods of getting you out of an infidelity situation, no matter whether you end up on a path of reconciliation with your wife, or divorce.

Another thing to *really* start wrapping your head around: there are just three paths forward from here. It's not what you asked for, it's shitty, and it's awful, but you need to face it. You don't have to make any decisions right away, but you need to look at reality and begin thinking about them. They are:

1) Work on reconciliation with your wife.

2) Work on divorcing your wife.

3) Do neither of these things, really, and just sort of let this be your new normal.

Start thinking about these three paths. Think about what you want and need. Think about what it would take (from you, from WW) to do each one. Think about where you would want to be on the other side of the storm.

~

Some questions:

1) How old are the kids?

2) What can you tell us about AP? Is he married or is there a significant other?

3) what is their work relationship? Is he her boss?

~

You may feel desperate, alone, and "stuck." I get it.

But I also see that you have some tools here. You can and will get through this. Seriously. You can and will. Take it from someone who has.

Something else to consider: being a stay-at-home spouse does not make you any less entitled to the family income. You are a partnership and a team: WW makes her income in part because you are supporting the family and household. She likely climbed the ranks, maybe got her education, etc., all because she had you supporting her and taking care of the other family business.

Even in separation and D, you are entitled to half of that money. Know that.

~

So. This is so much for you to digest, and make no mistake, you are traumatized. Take a deep breath, drink some water. There are very good steps you can take from here, and no matter what happens, you won't be "tearing your family apart."

Remember: your kids need a healthy, happy, OK dad. They need you to be OK. They need that more than they need Mom and Dad to walk around on the same carpet together.

Again, there are possibilities for you here. You are correct that this is no way to live.

Please answer the questions above and share anything else related to your current situation that you can. Thoughts, feelings, hopes, wishes, etc.

Another thing: you should talk to your doctor and get an STD test. Maybe talk about anxiety or sleep meds if you think you'll need them. Tell your doctor everything.

Please keep posting. We are here with you.

[This message edited by Okokok at 11:07 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Old timer here, and I'm going to give you the same advice I give every newbie.

1. Call some attorneys and get some consultations done. You need to fully understand the financial impact and what S or D would look like for yourself should you choose to not stay. You cannot make an informed choice w/o information.

2. Call your Dr, you need full STD testing. Blood work and swabs. Sorry. Cheaters lie, and she has not used protection with him because affairs happen in unicorn land where STD's don't exist. When you see your Dr let them know what is going on. Make sure your blood pressure is ok, and that you have resources available to you. Ask for a referral for a therapist. You are really beating yourself up, but there is nothing you did or could have done to prevent this. Cheating is a choice and it is 1000% on her. Not you. But this is a major trauma and many of us need help navigating the early days. Some of us go into a full on fight/flight period if you are unable to eat or sleep discuss this as well. No shame in a little pharmaceutical support to get you through this.

3. After you have done 1 & 2 you need to figure out what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not. Most will tell you it is impossible to reconcile (R) without complete No Contact (NC) between your wayward spouse (WS) and her affair partner (AP). Figure out what consequences to not following through with what you want and need from her are going to be before you even offer the gift of R. She is going to lie and cheat some more. Her head is buried deep in Lala land - asking to continue to see him and pretend all is well. She's got some balls.

Lastly I want you to start making you your number one priority. Being a SAHP (stay at home Parent) you loose site of that pretty easily. Taking care of the home, the kids, the meals, the shopping, etc. It gets overwhelming and suddenly you don't have any interests, hobbies, or time for you. That ends today. Make sure you are eating and drinking plenty of water. Make sure you are getting some time alone each day. Leave her to take care of the kids for a minimum of 30 min while you go for a walk, go to the store, whatever. Do something kind for you though everyday.

You deserve much better than this and so do your kids. Your wife is not a good mom right now. Don't believe for a second she has anyone's best interest at heart. She doesn't. Affairs are like drugs. She is high on it.

I would also search and if her AP is married don't warn your wife, but let her know what is up. A's die in the bright light of reality. My guess is if his wife finds out suddenly he will no longer want your wife.

Check out the healing library upper left side of your screen. Tons of helpful info there.

Paul,

Wow just wow sorry, but the emotions you are feeling are the ones all of us have felt here so please don't feel alone.

Document everything in a safe place now where your WW cannot get to it.

You need to tell your children Mommy has a boyfriend his name is %4*&(& or whatever and he is an enemy of our family. This is in fact what this guy is, and this exposure is a price your WW needs to pay for her affair.

I would seriously consider forbidding your children from seeing Granny in the case of a divorce that is seriously F'ed up that she covered for her daughters affair.

Is the OM married or has a GF?

Expose the OM widely Linkedin, Facebook, Parents, Siblings, Etc do it all at once and without warnings or threats, it should hit him like a brick wall toppling over.

You need to get OM to quit if your WW needs her job, if OM is an upper level person you have alot of leverage with HR and lawsuits.

Get STD testing, in any event don't have sex with your WW she might have some horrible disease.

Have your WW write out a timeline for this and other affairs, then polygraph.

First thing is if he’s married inform his wife.

Right now you will be the only one that can keep yourself in this.

I would also search and if her AP is married don't warn your wife, but let her know what is up.

I will also say that, no matter what you're doing to investigate, check things out, etc., DON'T tell your wife. You don't want her being even more sneaky (and she will).

It should also go without saying: DON'T tell her about this site.

Your story is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

I used to think that men,who cheated on their pregnant wives, were the lowest of the low. However,this is as bad as it gets. A mother of young children, choosing to leave those kids, to spend the night, afternoons, etc, with another man, during a national fucking pandemic. What she is doing is so very reckless. So neglectful. So abusive and dangerous. All for a side piece.

I'm sure the men here will give you fantastic advice. Our betrayed husbands are the best of the best. But,as a mother, I am appalled at your wife's complete disregard for the safety of her children. It literally turns my stomach.

We are here to help, buddy.

Really sorry to read your story. We’ve been in your position. We know exactly what’s going on in your head.

Please consider the advice we give you.

Firstly, find your anger.

Secondly, expose, expose, expose. To HR (bad luck if she looses her job). Expose the AP to his wife/partner if he has one.

Thirdly, she must end all contact with the AP. This is not for negotiation.

Fourthly, FUCK HER FAMILY AMD FRIENDS. What a bunch of fucking assholes facilitating the affair and ruining your family. They are person non grata to you from now on. Bunch of assholes.

Fifthly, see an attorney immediately.

Sixthly, get a job. Even if it is McDonalds. You need to claim some independence. From your wife.

Seventh, she must write a timeline (full disclosure) so you know what you’re dealing with.

Eight, she must write a no contact email or letter to the AP informing him that she does not want any contact with him again.

Nine, see an attorney to gauge where you are positioned in regards to your rights and what divorce will look like.

Ten, get counseling. You’ll need it.

We are here to help. Keep writing. Report back. There’s an amazing bunch of people here who collectively given out hundreds of thousands of hours of advice to betrayed people. Eat well, sleep well, exercise. Focus. You’ll need it. You’ll come out of this. Be patient. But also be vigilant. And be the father your children need you to be. Don’t show you’re intimidated by your wife and her lover. Let the bastard know you will take it up to him and make him pay professionally for what he’s done.

This suggestion comes about from a true story. Man told his wife he wanted a divorce. She was a sahm and no skills. They made an agreement. She went to school, got a degree, got a job and assumed the marriage was over. It wasn’t.

My hope is that she will agree to hold off a separation until you get an education. To start with find a technical school and get a two year degree so you can work. Then if the marriage is over you can continue to work, go to school, be a good dad and look to the future. Believe me this is doable. I saw this happen.

Don’t let pain and panic get in the way of looking after yourself.

Paul, I am so, so sorry! If you can find an IC, that will really help you have someone to talk to about all the details and to help you figure out what you want. I found an IC who is willing to meet with me in person. (We stay on opposite sides of his office and he cleans in between clients.) I'm not sure how rare this is, but I do know that zoom counseling is also possible right now. I really hope that you can do this, even if it involves using your wife's health benefits right now. It seems like that would be the least she could do for you!

And the support on this website really does help! Sometimes, your thread will get lower down the list in "just found out" as more new people share thier stories. If this happens and people stop posting on this thread, I think you can reactivate it by adding a new post. You can start a new thread too, which is what I did when I was needing support every day after DD. It sucks so much to find out during the pandemic - I am just so sorry!!

[This message edited by Accidentaldiva at 12:12 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Paul

You are going to get a whole lot of advice from people who have all been down this road and my bet is almost all of it will be similar .

But before you take all that in you have a decision you must make . Your wife has just told you she wants to stay married to you for now but also wants to continue to have her boyfriend to have sex with. If i misunderstood that I apologize . If i didn’t she has given you a clear choice, namely you accept an open marriage or you divorce her .

And until she believes through your actions that option one will not happen and will cost her dearly you will get no where. And by the way tons of stay at home moms get custody of the kids

You next decision needs to be which attorney to go to to find out your rights . Since she has not agreed to stop banging him and has told you that she is technically not cheating any more

Others may sugar coat this for you but you are the one who has to decide what to do not her .’you either accept it or

You don’t

Lastly you are wasting your time going to marriage therapy with someone actively in an affair. But if she can drag you there she buys more time with her boyfriend

As someone else just told you it’s time to get real

Fucking mad

What state do you live in Paul? Provide some more info so that we can help guide you.

Is he her boss, is she his boss?

You said that her family was helping her this whole time, how do you know this? If this is true, stop communicating with them immediately. They are not on your side. Anything you say and do will be monitored and used against you.

Do you have any charges against you from the past? DUI, drug or alcohol issues. You would be best served to lay it out here so that we can provide you with the best guidance forward.

The other thing you need to have with you is a VAR. Get one. Get ride of the GPS, you really no longer need it. You have all the proof you need that your wife is a cheater. The GPS may be unlawful in your state. DO NOT, DO NOT put anything in text or email to your wife any longer. IT CAN and WILL BE USED against you during the Divorce.

Lastly, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Your situation is horrible, but don't lose hope. Many other people come on this site with similar stories and are just blindsided by the same type of cheating, all the while thinking that they had a good marriage. I count myself in that boat. Here is the thing, you know you can't get past this because of your past history with a cheating girlfriend. Your only path forward is a Divorce. That is why we need to know what state you live in, and if adultery affects your Divorce and if you can go after the other man.

As for losing your kids, I wouldn't worry about that. In fact, you should verbally encourage your wife to see the other man, and document all the times that she abandons the children to go sleep with him. Document all the times she has lied about seeing the other man, while saying that she was at her Moms or Sisters...... You will want that for your case. You were the solid parent and home taker. "YOU GAVE UP YOUR CAREER SO THAT SHE CAN FOCUS ON HERS AND YOU TOOK CARE OF YOUR GIRLS". Remember that line. That is the line you use with your attorney and that is the line you use with the Judge. There is no way unless you've got past charges or drug issues that they don't give you the kids at least half the time and your ex wife has to support you.

Keep posting Paul. We are here to help guide you

To make things worse, I'm a "house-husband" (stay-at-home-dad), so I have no income and I'm entirely dependent on her.

She is still in LaLa land thinking she can stay together with her BF and her family. Might be a good time to get her to negotiate things in your favor while her head is up her ass.

I think that you will have two tracks in your mind until you figure which is more realistic. I know I did.

First you should see a couple lawyers to learn what does divorce look like.

Depending on where you live 15 years may be considered a "long term marriage" usually the cut off is 10. In the US , most states do not want the lower or non wage earner to be destitute and rely on the state for support. In that case you would be entitled to some support for a limited number of years, and fair visitation with the kids.

It's the law, that's why all divorce agreements get OK by a judge. Although some counties (Macomb Cty Michigan for example) have a screw the man attitude

Download the divorce forms form the county. Feel free to read or work on them in the open. If she asks why are you thinking of a divorce you can answer just looking at what the future might be.

You have kids that you have probably been with more than she has if she is working a full time job and her side piece job with the co worker. It would be tough for her maintain two households on one income

The second is reconciling, which is not staying together while she bangs the OM.

It will take a lot of work and patience on both of your parts.

She needs a new job. You should get some sort of job to if the kids are old enough to be alone for a while (after the Q is over)

But R is a team effort and she is not there yet, the is still on Team BF.