Very sorry about this. This is really off the charts painful, And her behavior is so beyond the pale. And I’ve experienced plenty myself, and I’ve read some doozies.
1. This was a full-on sexual affair. Your heart doesn’t want to accept that but based on what you’ve told us, you know it to be true. It’s the worst form of betrayal a man can experience.
2. See an attorney and file for divorce. Do not pass GO. Do this immediately. Divorces don’t happen immediately, and you can change your mind. But filing brings a much-needed shock of reality into the situation.
3. Get tested for STD’s immediately. She had sex with him and then you - you have been exposed to potentially life threatening diseases.
4. Get a VAR for yourself to carry around In a pocket to ensure your WW doesn’t try to foment a false DV charge.
5. Get a VAR for her car and another for somewhere else.
6. Inform her superior officer, especially if this OM POS is in the military or in another nation’s military working with our own.
7. While doing all of this, implement what is called the hard 180. You can read more about it in library sidebar here on this website. The 180 long-term is a bit of a mindf*ck but I think it’s useful in the short term to separate yourself from her shitshow.
8. Force yourself to eat at least one healthy robust meal a day. Drink plenty of water. Avoid alcohol and hit the weights. Weightlifting is a perfect way to relieve stress, boost your self confidence, and will also help your brain chemistry.
9. Separate your finances immediately as others have said.
Her family already knows and seems to be siding with you - which is good. That helps to bring some reality into the fantasyland of infidelity. Tell others as you see fit as well.
If no kids, I would run, not walk, away from this mess. Your wife seems to have picked up some bizarre notions that seem pretty popular among certain women these days about setting up an open, polyamorous marriage where she gets all the goodies and you get all the pain.
I think you know already it’s not going to work. You strike me as the kind of fella that isn’t going to be ok with participating in some sick cuckold kabuki theater drama. So don’t. Don’t tolerate it one minute longer.
Be clear you won’t accept being treated with such disrespect and dishonor and leave the shitshow this is going to be. Exit stage right pronto.
EDIT: This site tends to lean toward reconciliation. Who wouldn’t to see a family remain intact and a relationship restored if possible. Only you will find that when the disrespect and contempt shown by a wayward spouse is so deep, then it becomes clear that reconciliation is much less likely. Your WW needs a real shock and awe treatment to wake up.
She is exhibiting all the characteristics of a WW who believes at least that she has “moved on.” If that’s the case, your pleading and moping around the house is only making the problem more severe by the minute. Her lack of respect for you is deepening, not resolving.
You’ll know pretty quickly if she’s even a candidate for R by how she behaves immediately after receiving a divorce filing and in the weeks after that. Keep your contact with her as minimal as you can.
[This message edited by Thumos at 3:32 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]