SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m stuck. That’s the weird thing. Short version. Wife had an affair with a single guy 7 years younger than her. We are high school sweethearts. She cheated in high school and college. And was good for twenty years of marriage I think. Affair started with the usual I’m never home ladedaeda. Anyhow I start thinking somethings up and I downloaded her phone and found incriminating evidence between herself and her sister.

Anyhow I confronted her and viola she’s slept with this guy. That was 6 years ago. Therapy we’ve done. She answered everything been transparent since. Got her shit together. Except I haven’t. She’s been out of town with her sick mom for two weeks and I started triggering again. About shit in high school and college that I haven’t thought about in 30 years. Trying grounding and meditation it’s not working. Hit the gym it’s not working. It’s like I’m stuck and I can’t get off the ferris wheel. Anybody got any ideas because my wife and I are out of them. It’s been 6 years. I’m truly tired of this shit.

First of all, tell her what you are going through.

Then maybe think about getting out of Dodge for a while. Can you do a temporary separation for a few weeks? Maybe put some distance between you and her so you can let this latest trend of sadness process through you? Look brother, I have not been in recovery as long as you, but I can say that it has been anything but a straight line. I can go for weeks now, no slip-ups and no descent back into pain, and then WHAMMO! I'll see something on TV, or hear somebody say something, or hear a song, or smell a certain food and I'm triggered. I fall back to thinking about my wife's betrayal and how my life came apart, the absolute f*cking unfairness of it all, and then I spend the next two or three days crawling out of that emotional pit I fell into.

So, I share your pain man. I know that it will take me years to sort out what she did to me, and you will have to heal at your own pace. I commend you for staying with your FWW, but it doesn't mean you are done healing.

Well we haven’t seen each other in two weeks. maybe it’s the separation. i thought i had the mind movies beaten but they came at me today with a vengeance. i told her. she said she was sorry asked what she could do. i got nothing. I don’t know anymore.

I’m not a therapist, and I’m not that far along in my own journey, but I would say that it’s pretty normal to have some hard times, even 6 years out. Her being away is likely especially triggering to you, and is a common reaction. Perhaps you experiencing these emotions caught you off guard, and maybe you’re thinking you shouldn’t still be having any hard days or triggers after so many years? Don’t let it set you back too far. Just look at where you were 6 years ago. Are you in the same place? Probably not, huh? Recognize and celebrate that!

Did you work through your other betrayals, or kind of rugsweep them? That’s something I’ve seen fairly often in my short time on this site. Rugsweeping can cause all the things you thought you buried to come out several years, even decades, later.

Sometimes it takes many years for betrayed spouses to realize infidelity was, in fact, a dealbreaker. If that’s the case, you gave it a real shot, and know what your next steps need to be.it seems you do have a serial cheater on your hands, and that might not be something you’re willing to accept anymore.

Wishing you all the best!

I agree it’s probably that she’s away . I also will go with the rug sweeping early on in our relationship. She was an asshole. Her words not mine. And just before we were going to get married she told me she had done things and I should know. I said it’s in the past let’s move on. Frack I was 26 been dating her for 10 years by that time. I didn’t know any better. The last 6 years have been a turning point for us. I’m old school so I’d rather die than break my family up. But when D day happened I calmly packed her bags and told her she had to leave. That was a game changer for her. I always kind of let the stuff from high school and college go because of our age. But she was 44 when she had the affair while we were married. She knew what she was doing. I agree the rug sweeping from my youth has hit me a time or two. We have discussed it. There is one thing our councillor told my wife . To not be to graphical with the details. I was furious with him at the time because I had to know everything. Now I see what he meant. He was playing the long game. Some things I do not believe we were meant to know. I’m just done with the mind movies. It’s like the godfather. Every time you think your out you get pulled back in. Anybody got a cure for the flashbacks?

Have you considered that you are triggering for a reason? I was a fool and did not listen to my gut early on. The subconscious is a powerful thing.

The great thing about SI's Reconciliation Forum is you can ask questions like this and it's known that you only mean to help....

It's been 6 years with extensive therapy, knowing what others have said after divorcing a Wayward, could it be that this has always been a deal breaker?

Are you aware of your self-talk? What are you saying to yourself? How accurate do you think it is?

Deal breaker. I don’t think so. We kept it from the kids. So they don’t know about it. My mindset would have been I should have at least tried if I left. So I stayed. And our marriage is much better. But I have always had problems with the flashbacks. The self talk is interesting though. II sometimes still think stuff is going on even when I have no evidence of it.

My wife is totally transparent. To this day I have access to all accounts and can grab her phone anytime I want. I just want something to stop the mind movies. I’ve tried grounding , meditation and therapy. It’s like you hit the wall and that’s it . Your simply stuck with it.

was your life transparent before her last PA?

how did you find out?

it appears that your WW forfeited her right to spend any

nights apart.

Just from reading your responses, it really sounds like you have rug swept all of her affairs.

High school, collage, that was all fine, then a 20 year itch affair. Yeah that is all fine.

You did therapy, so you should be fine, RIGHT?

But for some reason you are not.

Why is that... because when you don't stand up for yourself, when you rug sweep this stuff, ( 3 Affairs that you know of) at some point the lies that you told yourself start to wear thin.

I guess that there is some way that you know she is not screwing someone while she is away from you. Otherwise you would wonder if she found an new guy, or was screwing another old high school love?

I am so sorry you are going through this.

[This message edited by BluesPower at 11:45 AM, July 24th (Friday)]

i agree i rug swept the first two. We didn’t the last one. And she’s down taking care of her 95 year old mother and staying at our daughters so I’m pretty sure she’s where she says she is. And i can track her so it’s not that. As for standing up for myself. I’m pretty sure I did a good job of that. I confronted the AP , He wouldnt come out of his hotel room for some reason. lol I confronted her brother and sister. Haven’t talked to him in 6 years and neither has my wife. Still talk to her sister but our marriage is no longer a subject they talk about, We both agreed to that. Both her siblings had affairs and sort of condone that activity. Big age difference for my wife and her siblings. As I said before I packed her bags on D day. She literally begged me to let her stay. Made her take a STD test. She didn’t even argue. I went in with her. We both went for counciling. She sent the no contact message. Ap tried to contact her she showed me, I sent the next no contact he never tried again. I really get the feeling she learnt her lesson this time. We met up with the wife of one of her aps and her four kids. It was a high school crush which she started an EA with. Wife didn’t know about it we exchanged pleasantries and were introduced to their children. She was pretty quiet after that. And very ashamed. I think she learnt a lot from that meeting. Like it’s not a f$&@& game. But I’m the one left with the residue. Sometimes I think some people are better at letting things go. Others not so much. Having a good memory is a curse as much as a blessing.

How tied up is your existence with her? Do you have passions outside the marriage that you can throw yourself into, or do you devote yourself to attending to her needs?

Westway that’s a great suggestion. I’ve been on the wheel continuously at work. Maybe it’s time to do something for myself instead of trying to keep everybody else happy. Time for a new hobby. i see your getting a divorce. What was the tipping point for your husband?

Ok maybe it is a deal breaker. I mean if a women cheats on you 3 different times, then hey, maybe that is a deal breaker.

Also, you know there is no time limit on deciding the you cannot deal with it.

But if your therapy went well, and you handled it well then why are you still suffering?

Westway that’s a great suggestion. I’ve been on the wheel continuously at work. Maybe it’s time to do something for myself instead of trying to keep everybody else happy. Time for a new hobby. i see your getting a divorce. What was the tipping point for your husband?

Well, I am the husband. I don't understand the question.

Sorry you are here. It’s not unfamiliar terrtitory for me. You can read my thread here in reconiciliation for some thoughts.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640195

It may be because you’ve tried to suppress your real feelings and it’s a deal breaker for you.

The saying is “it’s a deal breaker for some people.” I think that’s inaccurate. And probably makes people feel inadequate if they feel in the “some” camp. I think it’s a deal breaker for everyone and it should be. The trick is in finding out whether you can move forward into a new relationship in spite of that dealbreaker.

If most folks at SI are honest, I think probably less than a third of infidelity cases have some kind of successful reconciliation and probably less. And that’s with good reason, because I think it takes a special kind of WS that is probably in the minority to reach down and find the empathy and self awareness needed to help heal their spouse.

So maybe stop beating yourself up about it and you might find some more peace contemplating how You and your wife can healthily detach with an amicable divorce. If she has been willing to all of the other things you say, then she should be willing to do that as well.

had that very talk with my WW earlier this morning.

Since this is the reconciliation forum I will try to address your question about dealing with the recurring mind movies, without insinuating that what you really need to do is file for D. We all heal at a different rate. This shit can hang on for a long time. Have you read in the healing library? There are articles in the library on dealing with the mind movies. Some have had success with EMDR therapy. Sisoon raised a good question concerning your self talk. Have you been to IC just for you and dealing with this recurring problem? If you desire to continue pursuing R, taking action to resolve the problem is your best way forward.

Well, I am the husband. I don't understand the question.

That's because you're getting old.

Jailedmind:

But I’m the one left with the residue.

Yes, we are. It's a prison sentence.

It's been six years, she has done what she needs to, to try and savage the marriage.

But I get where you're coming from. It's sort of like PTSD. Or, maybe it is. It's been a recurring theme in your relationship. Betrayals cause physical, emotional and psychological damage. It's neither a shame or a crime if one cannot fully recover. I certainly never have.

But I agree with Westway. Maybe as you can no longer find your joy with your wife, find it elsewhere- working out, the kids, join a group for poker.... Put your wife on a shelf somewhat and seek a little time away now and then.