SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm [29M] currently finalizing a annulment from my wife [29F] of nearly 2 years. I found out that she's been in an affair for most, if not all of our marriage. We were in a deadbedroom for the entire marriage, and most of engagement. I stayed because I naively thought it would improve. While dating, everything was great. We had an amazing sex life. Her affair went on throughout our marriage counseling.

I'm healing, but still struggle a lot. IC, family support, and books are helping. My wife was my first and only romantic partner. Before her, I struggled badly talking to women. After making it official with my wife, I was glad because I wouldn't have to deal with the dating game anymore. Now I'm back in it, and I know it's going to be an impossible battle.

My friends and dad told me that I should start making friends with new women, but don't look for anything serious right now. I've tried with a few women via social media, and they all failed. They often don't respond for days at a time, give me short replies, or flat out ignore me. Sometimes, it starts out great, but I can sense that they are losing interest. I try hard to be interesting and funny. I'm not bad looking at all. I don't know what the problem is. I haven't brought up my divorce situation once.

My STBXW wasn't satisfied and sought out a reason to cheat on me. Other women don't seem to be interested in me. It is frustrating. I tried to be a great husband to my wife. I try to be nice and interesting with new women. I have a good job. I take care of myself. I dress well. I give up. I don't care about dating. I don't care about being a husband and father anymore. Clearly, it just isn't going to work out for me.

It's normal to feel hopeless at the beginning of the divorce process. But it does pass.

My advice is to give yourself permission for 6 months from the date your D is finalized to just BE. Don't even worry about dating or looking or even THINK about it. Do what makes you happy. Healing takes time, and if you aren't ready, then you're not ready. You are so young still - you don't have to be in a rush.

At the end of those 6 months, re-evaluate. And give yourself 6 more months if you need them.

I am not ready yet. But when I am, I am planning on taking classes and doing things that interest me (like art and cooking). When I am supposed to meet someone, the universe will let me know.

Don't be in a hurry to rejoin the dating world. Take your time to take care of YOU and heal.

Big hugs.

I was terrified of dating after my ex left. TERRIFIED.

I had some bad luck along the dating path before I met my partner but it's just part of the process. Don't get too discouraged, it is ok and GOOD to be alone for a while. Heal. Enjoy not having to compromise on how you spend your time. Do things you always wanted to do but didn't have time to. I got to the point where I thoroughly enjoyed being single, it can be a lot of fun.

Welcome CCN I'm going to give a different piece of advice.

You are traumatized immensely right now, and probably somewhat abused if your wife has been cheating for a while, yes cheating is a form of abuse that is both mental and physical. So for now, focus on you and your healing. You are heartbroken, so you aren't going to attract women by the droves right now, and honestly it's the last thing in the world you need.

You do need to find out who you are and do lots of self care and healing before seeking out other women. There is nothing sexier to either sex than a confident person w/ a great sense of humor, to have that you have to be happy w/ who you are. To get there from where you are now, is going to take time. If you haven't done any Individual therapy, consider it. It might be really helpful for you.

Additionally I want you to take up one hobby or activity that you have always wanted to do, but never did. Scuba, photography, garden club something. Get out and start learning and meeting people w/ similar interests. Learning something new is so good for your brain, and it will give you a boost of confidence. It will also give you a new skill or knowledge set that often leads to interest in other things, and thus expanding your circle.

Stop worrying about the future. Worry about healing yourself properly now. Then in a year you will be in a totally different place mentally and physically.

At age 41 I was unceremoniously dumped by my wife of 11 years so she could run off with a coworker.

I'm not a particularly physically attractive man, I am tall but very skinny. I found out that I didn't have to be skinny it was pretty easy to remedy so I did. I wasn't nearly as invisible to women after I gained 40 lbs.

I dated lots of women and frankly more of them were interested in a relationship with me than I was them. About half were online and half in real life.

There are lots of good women looking for a good man. Women who have been treated shabbily by their husbands or boyfriends and are as done with that as you are.

Long story short, after two failed marriages I met someone online that I immediately clicked with. 3 years later we married and 20 years after that we have an amazing marriage.

DON'T GIVE UP. I know it is a dark time now. You will need several months at least to grieve. But you can use this pain to become better, smarter, wiser and to develop the traits you need to find a good mate. You have to be selective. You cannot ignore any red flags. You can do it.

And please understand that in online dating women have a huge advantage over men. For every message or profile hit you get, a woman will get 100. If you want to get anywhere in that world you will have to develop a thick skin and you will have to be persistent.

[This message edited by whatIknowNow at 3:45 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Some good advice here. My IC compared being cheated and blindsided as emotional trauma. It will take each individual different time periods to heal.

So I know this is an older post, but thought I could still comment.

Less then 2 months ago you were still thinking about taking your ex back. Thats not much space at all. Honestly, even if you did find someone right now, they are not going to be the right person for you. You need to find out who you are post- divorce, but you are not even officially divorced yet.

I've been separated for 4 years now and divorced 3 years. I try not to date men that are freshly separated. There is something dull and co-dependent about them. I become their life way to fast. I don't like that. The guy I am dating right now sees how independent I am and he finds it super sexy.

When I was first dating, I wasn't looking for something serious. Honestly, I was just looking for sex and it was great. Gave me confidence without worrying about a relationship that I wasn't ready for.

Also, I do feel bad for all the singles out there. A pandemic is a very hard time to get close to others. My dad is very sick so even if I wanted to date right now, I couldn't risk his life for my selfishness.

I feel the same way. I am going to give myself a few years before I think about dating. Marriage won't ever happen again for me because I don't want it.

First, fully heal. Then move forward. You might want to try a relationship coach. I've subscribed to an online one just to learn about how dating works now. I'm learning about when and how much to text, who pays, how to understand some of the social expectations, etc. I'll PM you with a name of a wan who is normal and balanced, geared specifically towards males. Most of the stuff is pretty straight forward, but some stuff is very helpful. For instance, she talks about 5 things women notice right off the bat. She mentioned one that I always held to be important, shoes. Clean and polish your shoes, and if they are out of style, get rid of them.

Another thing is getting into some type of social club where you can gain more experience in conversing. Oh, and I am a huge fan of learning to dance socially. There are always too few guys who take lessons, so if you are non creepy, you are a hot commodity. I routinely get asked to dance when women notice that I can actually lead. Women want a normal man they can talk to and who actually does things. Good luck.

Yeah, well never say never friend. All those plans will go out the window when you catch the eye of some sashaying little sweet thing and she sets her sights on you.

Anther thread dead. I killed another one. (' ')

[This message edited by Westway at 1:30 PM, August 28th (Friday)]

I killed another one.

Ah no you didn't Westway. There is not much more to tell about this than:

To the OP:

You are in serious pain right now and at a low point. The pain will lessen over time and your perspective will change.

You don't have to be a perfect, super-attractive, wealthy person to attract a mate, a good mate. Not having a healthy sexual relationship right after you are married is a HUGE planet-sized red flag. You made a mistake in ignoring it.

You DO have to learn more about women and relationships, for some this wisdom comes easily and others (like myself) have to work for it. Just like everything else in life. You can do it.

My friend,

'Never' is a very long time but I completely understand the feeling. I wanted nothing to do with being vulnerable and opening my heart to another human being. And giving them the power to hurt me - ever again.

I was bitter, angry and resentful at the world. Especially at women (hold on - not what you think) - I even found myself pulling away from some of my female friends at the time.

But, I met a very handsome, charming Marine on a blind date. And he stole my heart And swept me off my feet. I was 30 years old at the time and until then I had never met anyone, male or female, that made me want to have sex with him right damn then and there! In front of God and the entire restaurant!

He had this crooked smile, piercing green eyes and a basso profundo voice that went straight from my ears to...down there a bit lower! And he was my beloved husband for 32 years before he passed away this year. Never strayed and loved me in a way I had never been loved before.

There are a great many ladies who would love a kind and decent man like yourself. And these ladies are also loyal and honest unlike your STBXWW. So don't lose hope. And, just a thought, get a dating coach. But do NOT give up.

Sending you hugs and encouragement.

Anther thread dead. I killed another one.

SHAME. Go stand in the corner.

I'm cool with not dating anyone at the moment and I don't think it's in an unhealthy way. I just like my life the way it is and am not quite ready to risk adding drama to it. I know that there are good men out there. If you get to that point, that's perfectly fine. If you don't date because you think everyone sucks, just keep healing and take care of yourself.

Anther thread dead. I killed another one.

We all feel this way at one time or another.