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Reconciliation :
When does this get better

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 BlindsidedAngry (original poster new member #75673) posted at 7:53 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

Where to start, there is so much to say. My H had an affair that went on for a year with someone below him on the org chart at work.

I kicked him out, we separated 6 months. He broke it off with her (long story). We started therapy. HE is doing the "right things".

Trying to R and not sure I can. We are one year out (exactly) to the day I kicked him out of our house. How long does this last? I feel like I am stuck in a rewind with this terror show playing out in my head.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2020
id 8601408
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 8:05 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

This was (is) my number one question since life as I know it ended on DDay 1.

I have good news and bad news.

Good news is that it DOES get better.

Bad news is that it take a lot of work and the dreaded TIME.

Really bad news is that it will never be "normal" again. You will not be the same. No matter whether you stay or go, life will just be different. The collective wisdom says it takes 2-5 years to "heal".

I personally am coming to the realization that "healed" might never be possible and that "healing" will be a really long process, at least when "healed" in my head means that I won't hurt anymore.

It does get better though. Best thing you can do is focus on yourself. See if you can join a betrayal trauma group. Focus on your own interests and mental health. Focus on your family and friends. Do things for others (compassion is a great healer). Hopefully your H is doing his own work too. And you can see how you feel about the marriage as you go.

I am sorry this happened to you. It sucks.

And I'm sure more sage advice will be on it's way from SI's wise advisors. I just wanted you to know that you've been heard and that you aren't alone.

I'm the BS. WH had an EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair.
Current and forever status is reconciling. I don't

posts: 1026   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8601412
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 2:30 PM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

..

There is a reason why some of us have been on Si for 10 years.

You are at the very beginning of a steep mountain to climb, or perhaps a deep, dark hole from which to climb out, maybe describes it better!

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think! Me 77 Her 74 Married 52 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumour!

posts: 6080   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 8601842
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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 2:57 PM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

TX1995 has the right of it. 2-5 years to heal.

For me, I chose to look at healing myself and healing the marriage as two separate things.

I gave myself markers like 'the marriage will be healed when I am proud to be married to her once again'.

Course I reached the marker for self healing within the 2-5 window.

The marriage one is not quite there yet.

You ask 'how long does this last', but I think what you mean is 'this shit still fucking hurts'.

Yeah, you're just a year out, so it will still hurt. The second year it did get better for me in some way and worse in others. The pain was less sharp, triggers were less frequent, the hamster running thoughts in the back of my head wasn't running as fast, and the compulsive need to investigate wasn't there nearly as bad. The worse was the pain hadn't stopped, and it felt like I was trapped with it. Fear of hurting forever was thick in the air. Fear I was making the wrong decision to offer reconciliation pretty common too.

I got through it though, and I healed. You will too.

BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer

posts: 13534   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8601848
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jailedmind ( member #74958) posted at 10:20 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Have to agree with everybody. I’m six years out and your never healed. Life is different and you view those around you differently. Gone is your innocence to trust blindly and your security that your spouse will always be there for you. Replaced by a feeling that you can be replaced. You can work on your self esteem and you get to a place where if they did it again you know you will kick thier ass to the curb and make it on your own . Just shitty that they did something like this to your relationship.

posts: 133   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2020
id 8602075
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:38 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Better is a relative term.

2 - 5 years is what they say. I'm just 3 years from DDay2 and just hit 2 years on DDays. In 2020 both those dates passed and I had no idea until days later. That's healing. I have 2 choices. Resent the fact that I have to heal or use that time/effort/energy into the business of being my best self.

I don't wallow in resentment. Waste of time. I do, when it strikes, acknowledge it [and sometimes that involves a good cry] and get on with the business of being my best self.

In many ways year 2 was worse than year 1. Year one I was in survival mode. Year 2 the POLF set in [read of the Plain of Lethal Flats in the Healing Library]. Now - I enter Year 3. I have no idea what it will bring.

Breathe internet friend. Be gentle with yourself. You have gone through trauma. You can't rush the healing.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 4028   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8602214
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Mickie500 ( member #74292) posted at 1:34 AM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

It’s not quite a year for me and I’m not able to stop the pain or the rewind. I’m trying my hardest. Going back to marriage counseling. We have been in individual counseling consistently. It’s hard.

posts: 371   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2020
id 8602369
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 2:08 AM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

It takes years to heal, BlindsidedAngry. There's really no way around it. Focus on you, your recovery and healing. It's a choice you have to make for yourself. I think it was around the 15th month that I decided to have a revenge affair with myself. I was able to step-back and detach from my FWW. I focused on me and the things that made me happy.

"Healing is a Choice," by Stephen Arterburn, is a good place to start. He's a Christian author and his writings reflect his views. While I'm not religious and skimmed quite a lot of the book, I found his reasoning very helpful and even took some comfort from his faith (less so in G-d than his views on Human nature).

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6752   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8602384
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Youknowit22 ( new member #75576) posted at 6:34 AM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

It’s been about 6ish months since I found out about my husband’s emotional affair. We too are trying to reconcile but I am finding it VERY hard as well. We have kids and I am trying hard for them. We’ll have some good days but they are clouded by the constant rewind i have playing in my mind 24/7. He says the EA is over but I am always waiting for something else to come up or for me to find something else out. I don’t entirely believe the A is over and people keep telling me to move on.

I don’t know how to get past all of this. Reading stories of people who have healed is helpful. I hope you are able to start healing and reconcile. We didn’t ask for this pain and it sucks so bad that we are having to live it. 🖤

posts: 14   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2020   ·   location: Washington
id 8602445
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 11:31 AM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

get a copy of "Cheating in a Nutshell" Wayne and Tamara Mitchell

20 chapters and takes 15-20 min (guess) to read each one

26 pages of notes and "works cited"

based on letters received from readers of their newspaper column and their web site (guessing about the web sight)

information presented in straight forward way - I did not pick up any philosophical or religious bias

two things stand out - like a searchlight beam in the night:

Cheating is a choice the cheater makes - cheatee is not responsible in any way for cheaters choice

The memory of the cheating becomes a piece of the fabric of your soul (my way of saying you never forget)

I'm over 35 years past - still remember vividly

and have read lots - this book is the most succinct one yet.

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery."For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce."

posts: 991   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8602457
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:35 PM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

Healing time is usually 2-5 years, I would say it is more on the 5 year end. If he isn't remorseful well it lasts as long as you are in limbo.

I'm not in R but my healing is finally happening since I decided to S/D. It doesn't affect me the way it used to. Having to be around the perpetrator was hard.

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9075   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8602595
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RidingHealingRd ( member #33867) posted at 9:48 AM on Wednesday, October 28th, 2020

Here is the truth...it will feel like forever. Each person’s story is different, each person’s path to recovery is different.

For me it was a long journey, despite the fact that my WH was remorseful from the beginning. I raged for 3 years and did not repress any thoughts or feelings. Yes, 3 long, difficult, extremely sad and emotional years but my WH stuck it out. Year 4 something changed and the intense anger subsided. I stopped wishing he would die. Each year thereafter got so much easier.

I’m happy (and amazed) to say that it will be 10 years tomorrow. His shit affair is but a distance memory, which I shall never forget, but it no longer controls my mind.

For some there is light at the end of that 2-5 year tunnel.

ME: 60 BS
HIM: 67 WH
Married: 35 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 10 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

posts: 2519   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2011
id 8602809
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ISurvivedSoFar ( member #56915) posted at 11:42 AM on Wednesday, October 28th, 2020

BlindsidedAngry - I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It is just inexplicable. It is in some ways endless in that this type of betrayal is a watershed moment in our lives. As others have said, it decidedly changes us and many of us, myself included, feel like our personas are before and after.

So the good news is the strength and resilience I found after the infidelity. It was hard won. It seemed like I couldn't recover and life would always be bogged down with the dark cloud of infidelity. It lifts. You know when that happens? It lifts when we've sorted through the stages of mourning a few times and processed the trauma. It lifts when we get that glimmer of knowledge that we can have the life we create for ourselves and we start to build it. It starts when we heal ourselves rather than worry about healing anyone else.

And the even better news is the change we get from this process is unmatched. It comes at a price as everything does in life. We are different, our life is changed, our M is changed (either through R or through S/D), and our perspective altered. We can leverage all of this for good but we cannot go back and undo the betrayal.

Best advice I got from the fine folks here was to feel and process the pain that was consuming me rather than fight it and ignore it. It helped the healing process tremendously.

Be sure to take the time for you including IC or anything else you need to feel better to counteract the struggles of recovering from infidelity. Happiness is possible and it is just around the corner.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2836   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8602818
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