SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate:

I am in early R with my WH who had an affair in 2018 that I knew nothing about until late July of this year.

I took tremendous pride in our marriage. Now, every movie, seemingly every TV show, not to mention the radio triggers me with cheating themes.

The reality that I am CHOOSING to stay with someone who cheated on me hits me hard every time. Once again, my reality, my self esteem are jumbled. Me? I accepted this? The regret of not knowing when it was going on, not having the chance to deal with it. Would I have had his things packed in a storage container when he came back from his (out of town) mistress visits? Would I have boarded a plane to her city on the same flight he was and surprised him at the gate or stopped by his seat? Who can say? These are a couple of my fantasies. Confronting her is not something I think I would have done. But him? I get so mad that I never got the chance to know what was going on. The 5 months he lived out of the house (under the auspices of depression/soul searching/sadness, were months I spent worried about him. And lest you wonder, of course I asked again and again if there was another woman (not to mention asking about drug addiction or gambling or whatever had turned my formerly wonderful husband into a haunted stranger). His lies were believable. I bought them all.

Back to my question: will I ever be able to watch TV or listen to the radio without being triggered? It's a rhetorical question. But dammit. I hate that this is my new normal at present. Just hate it.

When their relationship fizzled and he came home (again, I was thrilled! His sadness had lifted!), I spent over a year still on high alert for his happiness. Was he getting enough time with his hobbies and friends (many of which had been covers for his affair).

I hate being a cliche. Such a cliche that songs, movies and shows are everywhere that mirror my life.

I spent over a year still on high alert for his happiness. Was he getting enough time with his hobbies and friends (many of which had been covers for his affair).

I'm a bit confused. That looks more like rug-sweeping than R. He didn't cheat because of some problem in your M or with you. He cheated because of his own problems. Hobby time won;t solve hos problems for him . Only his own work will do that, and he almost definitely needs the help of a good IC to guide his work.

R is a process of building an M that serves you both. He needs to adjust his own behavior to create that sort of M.

And after being cheated, I wanted to know my W wanted me, so she courted me, not the other way around.

*****

I think the more you heal, the less the media will trigger you, but YMMV.

*****

If you're in R, 6 months may be the worst you'll feel.

If your H is not doing his work, though, you're in false R, and that's something I feared for a long time. I never experienced false R, but I think that might feel worse than d-day.

I can very much relate to your story, as I didn’t discover my WHs A until 3 years after it had ended. The hours I spent in total thinking about all these “what if” scenarios revolving around finding out when it was actually going on were numerous. I literally fantasized about how I would liked to have caught him, and what I would have done. I got real creative. Lol I’d say that’s pretty normal for people in our situation. I wouldn’t suggest staying in that rabbit hole as long as I did, but I definitely understand it. It takes some time to accept that it didn’t happen that way. That not only was our life not what we thought during the A, but also for years afterwards. I obviously can’t say what would have happened if I had discovered it while it was active. No time machines and no alternate realities. In my situation, I was able to find a few silver linings with the whole finding out later thing. Not that I’m glad it happened that way, or would have chosen it, but I can acknowledge there were some things I didn’t have to deal with that other betayeds have.

There is so much to be said about someone who is able to offer the gift of R to their wayward spouse. It takes tremendous strength to stay after such an intimate betrayal. Then to actually go on to build a new and better marriage, well that takes superwoman (or man) I’m not there yet, but I’m finally on my way, and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done to just get to this point.

Time helps. Acceptance starts the path to healing. Sheer fucking will is what actually gets you there. At least that’s how it’s been going for me. Lol merry Christmas and best wishes

Sisson:

I didn't do a complete timeline. So I understand why you are confused.

When he came home (in 2018), the year I referred to where I was on high alert for his happiness, was because I DID NOT KNOW about the affair at that point. I had welcomed him home after he was gone for 5 months (in 2018) under the auspices of being sad/depressed/needing to be alone. So when he wanted to come home, I (unaware of the affair) was so happy to have him home. I had believed everything he told me about why he was gone. And I had asked over and over and over if there was another woman (or addiction) that had triggered this bizarre behavior and leaving.

When I did found out (late summer 2020), and chose to stay together and try and work through this, that is when R began. I do not spend 11 seconds worried about his happiness, hobbies, etc...

I hope that explains the timeline. It's the best I can do.

[This message edited by JulyDD at 6:41 PM, December 25th (Friday)]

Hi Underserving:

Thank you so much for your response. I think you really do have insight into my situation (I know my situation is not special but includes not knowing about the affair for years-so the fact that you get it really means a lot).

I do (immodestly) feel like I am showing genuine depth of character that I am willing to try and rebuild what we had/have. We had a really good thing for a long time. I'm trying and succeeding at knowing this is about him. I did nothing wrong. He has done more work since I found out about the affair than I would have thought possible. I know it's early days and that he may not deserve this chance. But I am seeing a self awareness and ability to admit to a set point of laziness, selfishness and fear of aging. He would never ever have been able to really dissect himself like this. There may be a silver lining but it's early days.Like many have said here on SI, I am watching actions more than listening to his words. The words are good but the actions will be the most important. Again, thank you for weighing in.

[This message edited by JulyDD at 6:41 PM, December 25th (Friday)]

How did you find out? Did he tell you on his own or did you find something? It seems that would help in your healing if he confessed on his own.

Hi JulyDD,

There is a lot I can relate to in your post.... The loss of pride in the relationship. And also this

I hate being a cliche. Such a cliche that songs, movies and shows are everywhere that mirror my life.

I hate so much that wh's infidelity made me feel like the typical political wife standing by her cheating husband. The gender stereotypes here bother me so much!!!

Regarding your question about tv and radio. I used to watch a lot of tv. And for a while that just stopped almost completely. I think this was partially due to all of the triggers but definitely not completely. Probably also due to the fact that I was using tv to zone out and couldn't really do that after dday. And also that it was so hard to focus on someone other than myself. I'm now 1 year 10 months out and just at the point where I watch tv very selectively (SNL, The Crown, and the new Star Trek). I'm glad I'm able to enjoy a few things but have no real desire to watch more.

Music was also a killer shortly after dday. I distinctly remember sitting in a restaurant with friends and trying to keep from crying because of all the crappy love songs playing.

It does get better. At this point I very rarely am bothered by music. Like I said, I'm still very selective about my tv watching and would never, for example, go back and rewatch Mad Men. But I can handle the odd mention of infidelity on an SNL sketch or The Crown.

I also think it's easier to handle if you know a reference to infidelity is coming (e.g. Charles and Diana on The Crown). It's when I don't have advanced notice that I'm often startled and triggered.

Hang in there..... It's still early for you!

Hi Out Of Sorts:

Thank you for your response. You are totally correct about the politician's wife standing by her man thing. That is exactly how I feel. And the loss of former pride in our marriage. It hurts a lot.

I am glad to hear you too are selective about Tv/radio etc... The radio and I had to part ways for a solid 6 weeks this summer when I first found out.

It's also comforting to have others on the R journey and read about how it's going for you.

Take care. I'm sure our paths will cross here again.

Back to my question: will I ever be able to watch TV or listen to the radio without being triggered? It's a rhetorical question. But dammit. I hate that this is my new normal at present. Just hate it.

I'm 3 1/2 years out from Dday, and sometimes it is still hard to observe these story lines on TV. They seem to be in practically every show, like you said, including The Crown. It's hard to find a show where there isn't some sort of cheating. In fact, I can't think of one regular TV drama series or rom-com that doesn't have a cheating storyline in it. I guess it does get a little bit easier, but to this day, we almost always have to stop and talk about it when it comes up. Don't just suck it up and try to pretend it isn't happening when it pops up on the screen.