SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New here and on a mobile so I apologise for any mistakes. We have been married for 2 years and a relationship for 7 years total. I do not have any kids with her but I have been taking care of her son for the last 7 years.

Wife had an affair starting last summer during covid with a co-worker. We were looking for a home and planning on a baby while this was going on. So a couple of months go by and literally as we are moving into our new home I notice a number on her phone that I did not recognize. I checked phone records and she was texting with this man thousands of times throughout the months. I ask her. She says it's just someone she likes to smoke with during lunch breaks. So I ask for the texts and they were deleted. Of course. So now I know something is up and I ask and ask and ask. She denies denies denies. Eventually she gives in and finally tells me. She said she didn't want to ruin Christmas for me so she was holding back until after. Probably bullshit. Anyway, she said she slept with him one time, and had done other things in the car with him (oral). She said she never kissed him and still stands by it today. I asked her to take a polygraph and she said no problem. I'm lost and don't know what to do. I love this woman and I know she loves me as well. Our problems have really started before marriage. I was and still am verbally abusive and emotionally. When I'm angry I talk shit and go way to far with my comments towards her. I have called her ugly, I have called her fat, I didn't listen to her when she tried talking with me. No, she never wanted to leave me for him and she actually ended the affair by herself. I know the way I treated my wife has pushed her away, I am sorry for that and I have been working on that and really tried to make myself better in that regard. No, I have never hit her and never will. She says she needed someone to listen to her and with work/covid going on I was too busy. Fair enough. But this? Really? She writes me letters daily, says she is here until I decide what to do, she allows me to check her phone, GPS location, she offered to quit her job I said nope since she just got a promotion. she never meant to hurt me. I feel terrible. I feel like me pushing her away was the reason for this, I know I'm not supposed to blame myself but fuckin A. Now I cry everyday, been 3 months of no work, just staying at home and remanising about the good times. We do a lot of family stuff together like hiking, shows, movies, board games, video games. We basically never go out alone so it was hard for me to catch on to her actually cheating. We still had sex almost daily, she was still coming home on time, so I thought things were ok. I just need some support, everyday I fight with myself whether to stay or go. My heart wants me to stay but I always told her that once that line is crossed I'm leaving. I wish I was a better husband and a better man, she always asked me to stop controlling and talking smack. I wish I listened. Biggest regret of my life right now. I don't want to get divorced and that be another regret. I want to give her a chance because she gave me so many I cannot count on my hands. Any thoughts or ideas would be great.

Sorry, forgot to mention I am a male (29) and she is a female (34).

Thanks to all!

i'm sorry you find yourself here camel. you're in the right place.

take comfort in knowing others like myself have found personal healing and even our relationships have found healing. i'm sure they will comment soon.

i just wanted to say you don't deserve this sh*t sandwich and that's why she's showing regret.

only you know if you should stay or go. if you stay there's a lot of work she has to put in.

I'm sorry for the situation you are in. But I have a few bad news for you. Most of the stories begins like your's; denying, acceptance after persistent questions or proofs but minimized version; "just kissed", "just one time" "it was just sex" "sex was bad" etc. But these stories never end the way they started. In order not to be wrong I can't say it's impossible, but I'm %99,9 sure she's lying. Ask her to make a detailed timeline of the A for polygraph. Tell that cheating has lost your trust in her, that she's continuing to lie is a deal breaker and you have to know the whole truth to consider reconciliation.

There's a lot more I can say but I am not native english speaker.Therefore, it takes a lot of time to write long. But I'm sure other members will make very helpful suggestions.

I’m so very sorry for what you are experiencing.

Firstly, her affair was not your fault. Were you verbally abusive and controlling? Yes, and those are areas you definitely need to work on. However, there are numerous ways to express dissatisfaction in a marriage without taking your pants off with other people. Even if she did express it, and you ignored her, there are still a multitude of other actions she could have taken. Her decision to fill whatever void she has inside of her by cheating on her husband can only be owned her.

I was an emotionally abusive and manipulative wife. I own that. My shitty coping skills of using anger and manipulation in my marriage are my responsibility to dig into and do the work to change. My husband’s shitty coping skills of turning to someone outside of our marriage to feel better about himself are his responsibility to work on and to change. Honestly, neither one of us deserved to be treated the way we were by each other, and neither of us deserved to be given another chance. These situations are hard to come back from, but are not impossible. I’m living proof.

Second, you don’t have to make a decision right now if you want to stay or if you want to leave. Take this time to focus on YOU and your healing. I would suggest looking into betrayal trauma to get a better understanding of why you are feeling the way you are. Infidelity is far more devastating than most people think.

As shitty as this situation is, it does offer the opportunity for self-reflection and growth. Whether you stay in the marriage or not, you can still use this time to become the man you want to be. You CAN heal from this and come out a stronger and healthier person. I wish you nothing but the best.

[This message edited by Underserving at 10:09 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]

Camel,

‘

What is she doing to show you she will fix whatever is in her that allowed her to cheat? As teh others said, she had 100 other options- counseling, talking to you, divorcing you... rathe than cheat. Does she still work with teh AP? Is she NC with the AP? Is she being transparent with all devices? Is she in IC? Is she researching how to help you? Did she set up a polygraph or found out details?

None of the affair was your fault. NONE. Any issues in the marriage you can own your share of. But the cheating is 100% on her.

NOw you-

1) Get tested for STDs. Her too. For everything. Cheaters lie, and she was willing to risk Covid, so assume she was willing to risk any and all STDs too. Use protection until you are both tested. Think twice about getting pregnant now... (and HB is a thing... sex may well happen)

2) Eat well, drink water, get exercise and sleep. You need to be as healthy as you can be to deal with this mess. Talk to your doctor if you are having trouble sleeping or with anxiety/depression.

3) Read in the healing library (upper left, yellow box) and the bullseye posts in the just found our forum. Read about the difference between regret and remorse. Read about the “pick me dance”. (HInt: it doesn’t work).

4) See a lawyer. Not to file or anything- but to understand your options. Knowledge is power and it will help take fears away from you.

5) Breathe. Take your time. You do not have to make a decision today.

6) Are you in IC? It can really help. Do you have anyone IRL? Brother, parent, pastor, someone you trust? Having an outlet will help.

I am so sorry you had to find us. We understand the pain. Infidelity really sucks. But you will get through it.

This sucks. I really feel bad for my wife. Just looking back at how I treated her. I was unhappy and for basically the last 4 years I treated her like dirt. She still stood by my side for most of it. She still took care of me like I was the best man to her. I wasn't. Just looking at her now makes me realize how shitty I was. She is such a good person. She helped me with my little brother when he was going through annorexia, just that alone made me love her so much. He is healthy now. I really fucked up and my wife's affair is a little unique. She never goes out at night, nothing like that. We were always home together. The time she slept with this man was when she took a half day from work. I want to treat her like she deserves because I betrayed her way before she betrayed me. This is where I get lost. I've been so controlling that she couldn't even come to me with her problems, she tried and I called her names and I told her I don't have time for her. This shit is killing me. Thanks for any advice/support. Life is a bitch.

The AFFAIR is not your fault.

I'm not saying your marriage was good. Even. Or anything else. Verbal and emotional abuse is obviously a bad thing.

She had other options to escalate her issues with you. "You ignored me". Ok, say it again. Demand marriage counseling. Ask for a divorce. There are many, many ways she could have chosen to get out. She CHOSE to have an affair. This could be a case of fighting fire with fire, but that's usually not a great strategy. Eye for an eye makes everyone blind.

You absolutely should work on yourself and avoid perpetuating continued abuse. You should not try to nice your WW back or do the pick-me dance. You should fix yourself because it's the right thing to do, not because you feel your actions caused an affair.

Something inside your W enabled her to cheat and kept her from raising the issue of your emotional abuse. She needs to address that. She needs to change from cheater to good partner.

You need to figure out how to stop abusing her, and you need to process the pain of being betrayed. It sounds like you've started processing the pain - crying every day is one way to process pain. The thing is: there's so much pain that t takes a long time to resolve, and for a long time, you may think you're not getting anywhere. But you are - every time you express grief, or anger or fear or shame in a healthy way, you are getting some pain out of your body.

My experience was that the worst period was 3-9 months out. After that I started feeling better slowly. I eventually became happy again. Your timeline is likely to vary from mine, because we're all unique, but 3 months out is difficult for virtually all of us.

Uncertainty about stay/go is normal. The uncertainty can last a long time, too, especially if your relationship gets better. I say that because it's common for a WS to start R but not do the necessary work, but it takes time for that to show up.

Have you considered IC? A good IC can help you stop being abusive, process your pain, and decide between R & D.

And ... as bad as you feel now, know that you can and almost definitely will heal.

I really feel bad for my wife. Just looking back at how I treated her. I was unhappy and for basically the last 4 years I treated her like dirt.

You should feel bad, even terrible, about how you have treated her. No one deserves to be treated that way. This is something that you really need to evaluate. If she didn't cheat, how long would this behavior of yours gone on?

BUT, you can't mix the two. You can't make someone compromise their own morals. You can't make her lie to you again and again, until virtually cornered. You can't make her do anything. People are responsible for their own decisions----just as you are responsible for yours.

Just to flip the script---What did your wife do to MAKE you treat her like shit? You already know that she isn't responsible for your actions, so why do you feel you should be responsible for hers?

It sounds like the two of you want to try and work through this. You know that the marriage was poor before all of this. So, if the two of you are really committed to reconciliation, then it starts with total honesty. The first thing is to get the entire truth out in the open. Following through on the polygraph....IF YOU FEEL THAT IT WOULD HELP BUILD SOME TRUST....would be a good idea. Unfortunately, it is far less common than not that you received the entire truth. She didn't want to ruin your Christmas? That's why she didn't tell you about her affair?

It's excuses like these that make rebuilding a marriage near impossible. She needs to get real honest with herself, and be vulnerable enough to tell you her secrets. I can guarantee you with nearly 100% certainty that any more information that you find out now....no matter how large or small....will hurt a thousandfold more if you were to discover this months or years down the road. Ask the members how we know this.

My wife raised the issue many times. She wanted to do counseling many times prior to her affair. I was not listening at all. I kept her away from her friends but not her family. She has been hurt in the past and she didn't want to reach out to family saying once again she is being treated like shit Also, I am not excusing her choices. That shit hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. I am changing for myself first and foremost, not for anyone else. I haven't been happy with life in a long time. I do shit by the book and am a really negative person. My wife is a really positive person, besides her affair she always looked at the positives. Always told me not to be so negative. Again, I didn't care what she had to say. Like people say, two negatives don't create a positive but once I'm happy again I owe this woman the care she deserves like I used to. She was always so happy and I loved seeing her sparkle. Maybe I'm stupid and naive, please call me out.

Just to flip the script---What did your wife do to MAKE you treat her like shit?

Uhh JB3199...sounds like you are blaming the betrayed here. Re-read the posts. He’s saying his wife was a pretty darn good person.

Camel, we are not trying to excuse any poor behavior on your part. We are also trying to get you to understand that your poor behavior doesn't justify her poor behavior. You are both responsible for your individual behaviors. One doesn't cause the other.

To be honest my wife did nothing to deserve the way I treated her. She was always cheerful, happy and outgoing. I never realized how bad I treated her until now. She mentions that it really was someone just being nice to her since I haven't been in a long time. I got sucked into work and doing things like getting her gifts to ease the pain I caused her. What she really wanted was my love. She still does. She never planned on leaving, none of that. I used to be so happy with her then I changed and became really cruel. I hate myself for it and I hate that I did that to her. Obviously right now she hates what she did to me, I can see it in her eyes.

I want this to work out and so does she. My wife says she will be here through it all until I say I can't do it anymore. I am working on being happy and maybe as stupid as this sounds this is the kick in the ass I needed. Ya, could have been a better way to say it. She did try many many many times. I always said we don't need that shit. Stupid, I know. She always made me feel special, always went out of her way to try and make me happy. I never did that for her. I never held her after she had a long day at work. I never cuddled after sex. I always wanted to change her. Wrong of me. Can't change anyone besides myself. I think if this didn't happen then I would have continued until she left unfortunately. I regret it, a person can only take so much.

Uhh JB3199...sounds like you are blaming the betrayed here. Re-read the posts. He’s saying his wife was a pretty darn good person.

I don't believe jb was trying to blame Camel - he was just citing an example that Camel is not responsible for his WW decision to cheat, just as Camel's WW was not responsible for his decision to treat her so badly.

I'm gonna hit you over the head with this a bit.

No amount of fixing your behavior will fix her behavior.

Your behavior didn't cause her behavior.

You should fix your behavior because it was bad behavior. We all agree. Fixing yourself will not prevent a future betrayal because the underlying priorities and decisions she made to cheat are related to her values and boundaries.

She needs to repair what is broken inside of her. It doesn't matter if she told you a million times what she needed and you ignored her. Cheating is the wrong answer. Honestly, I would rather my wife hit me with divorce papers than cheat on me. That's the right answer to unheard and unmet needs. Not doing something awful back.

I am working on being happy and maybe as stupid as this sounds this is the kick in the ass I needed.

Sorry to say sorry in my first post. I guess I should have been happy for you.

I don't want to get divorced and that be another regret. I want to give her a chance because she gave me so many I cannot count on my hands. Any thoughts or ideas would be great.

You wanted our ideas but you're in a monologue, you're talking to yourself and not listening to what is being said.

She cheated on you, then denied it, then she had to admit it but minimized it, and she continues to lie to you. It's nice you find a positive side of these, but that's not what you need.

We all understood you treated her badly, you don't have to say it repeatedly. This is a problem you have to solve with yourself, if her cheating is a reaction to it, it's a problem she has to solve with herself.

The solution to any problem in a marriage cannot be another man's penis. If you think this helps you to solve your problems in a marriage and accept it, pray that there will be no problems in future again because the solution will be the same.

Actually, I would suggest D, but you clearly said you want R. So I made the suggestions in my first post. You need to know whole truth and after that you have to decide whether to R or not.

Is the coworker married?

Anyway, she said she slept with him one time, and had done other things in the car with him (oral). She said she never kissed him and still stands by it today.

Months long affair and they never kissed and only had sex once?

All cheaters lie a lot. You know the tip of the iceberg.

I know she loves me

Her actions say what? Words are meaningless and upfront they go into a self protection mode. Will promise and say anything. Time will tell.

she never wanted to leave me for him and she actually ended the affair by herself.

Bud cake eaters love having it both ways. Home and an affair.

She ended it? What’s your phone records say? I’d bet not.

If they were still in contact lately the affair didn’t end. Cheaters lie a lot.

Affairs are addicting if they work together you get the addict around the source you get relapse. Plus they can switch to work phones, chat, one on one time.

Most betrayed want to believe so badly they’ll swallow anything.

They also want it to be their fault perhaps so they can fix it. Very faulty reasoning.

No one is prepared for this so keep posting and read up. The library here has great info. Use it.

Keep posting for more info, knowledge.

Sorry you’re here but you came to a good place. It’s your secret safe zone. Keep it that way.

Inform the other mans wife if he’s married without warning anyone. Being a martyr or helping them hide their affair will make this worse on you.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:26 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

Coworker is not married or so she says, how can I find out? He is divorced she mentioned.

She is not budging on her answers. She says she will not make up a story to make me think she is honest. She is saying she is honest about that. She talked more and smoked with him during lunch breaks. I wrote questions out and she answered them all yes or no for the polygraph. I told her if any are wrong then I will leave. She still says that she answered everything truthfully. She had sex and she regretted it. I guess I won't really know for sure until we do the polygraph.