SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by src9043 at 6:30 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

She works in surgery now, got a promotion. I blocked his number on her phone. She called him in front of me and told him herself that it's done. She snaps me every time she walks into work, during her lunch and when she leaves. I can ask this as well on the polygraph, I'm not sure what the rules are for that.

She is such a good person

Most like you are in denial upfront.

Good people don’t cheat in a 2 year marriage. You should have still been in the honey moon phase.

You will need STD testing. You don’t know who or where her OM has been.

Honeymoon phase? I'm not sure if you read my post but I was an ass. There was no honeymoon phase for us and that is on me.

I blocked his number on her phone.

Let her do the work around this.

Being a marriage warden up front I get it. You can’t monitor their work though.

Long term it’s a thankless task.

I get it. She really didn't know how to do it so I helped her out.

Coworker is not married or so she says, how can I find out? He is divorced she mentioned.

It’s common for the wayward to protect her AP.

Go online and google him, check Facebook, etc.

It’s common for the wayward to protect her AP.

It’s also common for the AP to lie to their partners in cheating. Often WS’s are surprised to learn at some point that their wonderful AP isn’t actually divorced/separated/single/in an open relationship. Turns out douchebags who are ok screwing married people have surprisingly low morals.

She knew SHE was married, so whatever AP told her is irrelevant even if it is/was true. OP you seem hellbent on blaming yourself trying to justify her huge betrayal, you did NOT deserve this, she had other options but DECIDED to cheat and only ended contact after being caught.

She's now a proven cheater and liar, her words at this point mean absolutely NOTHING, remember lied to you over and over and tried to convince you the POSOM was just someone she talked and smoked with during her breaks, if you read here long enough you will find out that you probably just know the tip of the iceberg and that two adults involved in an PA who have frequent contact, typically have frequent sex and makeout sessions, I find it hard to belive someone goes straight to sex and oral without kissing first, or what, she thought "kissing" was crossing a line and having sex and giving/receiving oral was not ?.

DO not take her word at face value, she should report him to HR immediately, also demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), yes she' been playing russian roulette with your health. Keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation, we've "seen it" play out THOUSANDS of times, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script.

I'm pretty sure I've never seen BH a poster come here with such a firm resolve to blame himself for his WW's decision to take off her panties and allow another man to put his dick in her. Hats off to you, my friend, for setting a record among strangers on the internet.

Your thread invokes something that everybody involved with infidelity has wrestled with mentally/emotionally at some point: the question whether the cheater's actions were justified by crappy marriage conditions created by the betrayed spouse. Certainly there is plenty of cheating that goes on in the context of good marriages, or at least aight marriages. But there is also cheating that arises from truly messed up marriages, and unlike the majority here, I do understand this to some extent.

However, the one thing I've seen over and over is that it takes two partners to make a good marriage, and it takes two partners to allow a marriage to become bad. Your self-blame smacks of the product of a years-long campaign of gaslighting by her, directed at you, convincing you that you've been a shitty husband. Not saying for sure that's the case, but it's something you ought to at least consider.

Camel, at the end of the day, cheating is a harmful choice made by an unhealthy, broken person. And I know your WW was already broken because she stayed in a toxic relationship and over-gave to someone who didn't deserve it. Whatever was broken inside of her to decide that staying and cheating was better than standing up for herself or even leaving came before you exasperated it. You didn't break your WW. You sure as hell added to the dysfunction but the fact that she continued begging you for something you would never give her instead of setting boundaries and getting herself out of a bad situation says a lot about where her mental health was at while this happened.

This isn't to say she is to blame for what you did - she's not - but the only person responsible for her happiness is HERSELF. The only person responsible for her safety is HERSELF. The only person who can get her healthy again is HERSELF. You can help or you can hinder but it's up to her to keep herself safe, healthy, and happy regardless of what you do and she chose not to do that. She chose to double down and get further entwined with a man who treated her so poorly. She chose to marry you while you were abusive towards her. She chose to go house shopping and plan kids with you while you were abusive towards her. Healthy people don't double down on a toxic relationship. They pump the brakes and try to work out the problematic issues first and leave if they can't. Your WW chose instead to continue doing something that didn't and never worked (pleading you to change) and create the fantasy of a good relationship by going through the milestones while keeping some additional fantasy with OM on the side.

She needs help. She needs IC. Her barometer for normal and healthy is severely out of whack. You need IC too and to answer separately why you turned to abuse and thought that was acceptable and why you chose to further entwine yourself with someone you were mistreating. It's the only shot you've got at making this work long term.

The party line you get from most members here is that there is nothing a BS can do that causes an affair. After all, someone can always leave a bad marriage instead of cheating, right?

But abuse is different. It's not as simple as "they could have left". I think that's widely recognized at this point. The abused person starts to believe the abuse is normal, they lose their compass.

I may be one of the few that thinks abuse can contribute to a partner's affair. My experience with this is as an outsider, but the people who I know in abusive situations - I end up thinking that I wish they could meet someone to show them they are valuable, and that what they are hearing from their spouse is NOT NORMAL and NOT TRUE.

So, just wanted to throw that in there, for whatever it's worth. imo, Don't talk yourself out of your guilt entirely.

But a few things are important. (1) I doubt abusive behavior can be overcome just by force of will - you need to see someone - especially now with this incident, you are going to have to have more self-control than ever - you are going to have to walk a line between being able to vent about her affair, and letting it feed further abuse - you are going to need guidance; (2) you are committed to changing. from this moment forward, what everyone else says applies. She has a choice NOW to come clean and change her behavior, too. Your past treatment does not excuse any FUTURE lying, cheating, trickle-truthing on her part.

Your past does not lessen the amount of pain you feel, and I'm very sorry you are suffering. I wish you the best.

Camel

my wife's affair is a little unique.

I know you want to think this is true but honestly it is like every other affair on this site. A spouse or significant other decides they need something they are not getting at home and feel justified in getting it from someone else.

We were always home together.

Except when she was at work with her lover

Anyway, she said she slept with him one time, and had done other things in the car with him (oral)

I’m sorry to say that in most cases one time becomes ten, twenty or even 30 times or more. Was the oral sex done by or received by her?

The time she slept with this man was when she took a half day from work

So this was premeditated on her part and required her to lie to you, schemed to have sex with him and then come home to you like nothing ever happened.

She said she never kissed him and still stands by it today

???? Does she think kissing him would have been worse or more intimate than doing all the other acts with him that they did?

I've been so controlling

but yet

she was texting with this man thousands of times throughout the months. I ask her. She says it's just someone she likes to smoke with during lunch breaks. So I ask for the texts and they were deleted. Of course. So now I know something is up and I ask and ask and ask. She denies denies denies. Eventually she gives in and finally tells me. She said she didn't want to ruin Christmas for me so she was holding back until after

I can’t think of anything you could have done to her that would have been controlling of her than what she did to control you and not allow you a choice to leave or stay. All of this is controlling on her part. She lied to you if only by omission, carried on a months long relationship with another man, had sex with him multiple times all while hiding it from you. She allowed the two of you to purchase a house which ties the two of you together even deeper now.

My wife is a really positive person, besides her affair she always looked at the positives.

Is your WW being a positive person more important to you than her being an honest, faithful and trustworthy person with integrity?

To be honest my wife did nothing to deserve the way I treated her.

And regardless of what she said or how you feel you do not deserve what she did to you.

She mentions that it really was someone just being nice to her since I haven't been in a long time.

So, she chose to betray you because a man was nice to her?

Obviously right now she hates what she did to me, I can see it in her eyes.

I’m afraid that the only thing she hates is that she was caught. If it had ever really affected her I don't think she would have went back for more.

She is a very good and skilled liar to be able to look you in the eye while she was cheating. You might consider not believing anything she says to you.

If she felt that the way you treated her was too much she could have left. She did not provide you the same opportunity until now.

I wish you the best as you move forward but I’m afraid what you know is just the tip of the iceberg.

I agree with almost everything annanew said, even if it’s unpopular.

Do I think my WH would have had an A if I hadn’t treated him the way I did? I really don’t. However, that doesn’t take away from the brokenness inside of him that made it possible for him to go lead another life and be an adulterer. Were his bullshit justifications probably a little easier for him to make to himself? I’m sure. They’re still bullshit though. The lying? I think that definitely has to already be ingrained in a person to carry out so much deceit and still look people in the face.

Look, we can play the chicken or the egg game all day. It doesn’t really change the situation you’re currently in. Your wife cheated on you. So now what? STD testing if you haven’t already. I also highly doubt you’ve gotten the full story, as minimizing almost always happens. If you have the means, do the polygraph. I think the most important questions are if this has been her only AP, and the legitimacy of her only having sex once, and the no kissing. That one seems really far fetched to be honest, and would be really telling if she was proven to have lied about it.

I would highly suggest an IC. You will move on from this stage of self-blame and you will likely hit the anger stage. That’s normal for people who aren’t like you and me. We need some serious help with this part of the journey. I had spent 2 years prior to d-day working on my stuff, and it was still a shit show once I got to the anger part of my healing. You will need someone to help you balance normal grief with your unhealthy coping strategy of getting abusive. (Idk if you are over exaggerating your poor treatment of your wife or not. I’m going to take you at your word) When you like control, and you go through something like this where you have practically ZERO, it’s going to bring out some ugly in you. It did for me. Get some help.

She still needs to work on her shit too. Is she doing anything right now to get to the root of why she chose the route of infidelity? It can’t have anything to do with you or your marriage. What character flaws allowed her to lie and to cheat?

[This message edited by Underserving at 1:49 PM, February 25th (Thursday)]

I love this woman and I know she loves me as well.

I apologize, as I have read nothing other than your first post. And I would very much advise that you not use the word "love", and rather the two of you define or determine what that word means, in action, in practice, what it assures or provides, and then move forward with whether you two "loved" each other or simply relished the idea that you did.

Make sure you are in agreement over what must exist for this word to have the meaning. Words mean things. Words matter and knowing what they mean to you matters a lot. Never assume what you think a term, like love, means the same as what your partner does. Feelings can be like dust in the wind and if all love is is a feeling, you might want to make they clear or else better agree what, if anything, is assured.

I appreciate everyone's input. thank you sincerely. My next step is to set up the polygraph and if more lies are uncovered which sounds like they will then I will be moving on with my life and not reconciling. I have told my wife this so she understands. I have given her multiple chances almost daily to tell me but she sticks by what she says. In the mean time I'll be spending lots of time with my step son because that's probably the hardest part of all of this. She will have to move back home (another state) and things won't be the same with him and I. Shitty but she made the decision for us, I wasn't important enough to keep around and be a father for him.

I think it's great that you've been honest about your abuse towards her and I'll offer a different perspective.

She could have left, but it sounds like her self esteem and perhaps other reasons made her stay. The person who will tolerate the abuse, isn't usually the type of person that leaves so easily.

Victims of abuse can be vulnerable in many ways and I speak from a professional perspective of working with victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse.

Have you sought help for yourself? Received support in exploring where this stems from? Because if you don't, chances are you'll do it again.

Quite often perpetrators abuse out of fear. Fear that they'll be left, so by saying ugly and fat, it grinds the victim down and erodes their self esteem.. it makes them feel worthless...like nobody else would want them. Especially where they've had a previous failed long term relationship or marriage already and when other family members only see the nice side of you.

I really do applaud you accepting responsibility for this, most people don't. I note you mention her son... I hope he never saw him mum being abused...as this can normalise abuse to a child.

I don't believe infidelity is black and white. You both broke your marriage vows...your actions were not that of one who loved and cherished her...she wasn't faithful. There's a fair amount of glossing over your abuse and the impact on your wife by others, not you.

Her choice of an affair was very unwise especially for a woman in an abusive relationship.

I have given her multiple chances almost daily to tell me but she sticks by what she says. In the mean time I'll be spending lots of time with my step son because that's probably the hardest part of all of this. She will have to move back home (another state) and things won't be the same with him and I. Shitty but she made the decision for us, I wasn't important enough to keep around and be a father for him

.

Maybe her moving back home would be a good thing. She can then try and figure out why she stayed in an abusive relationship.

I know I've said that you have accepted you did wrong, but I'm just wondering if you realise that you're abuse was more than enough for her to leave and you wouldn't have been around for your stepson?

Do you think you're a good role model as a father when you abuse his mother? Regardless of whether he witnessed the abuse, the impact of the abuse on his mum would undoubtedly affect her state of mind.

Is there somewhere in your mind that you think you're better than her and she's lucky or should be grateful to have you as a single mother who may not be as attractive as you?

It's often said that cheaters cheat, as they feel entitled...that also applies to abusers.

Did the polygraph...

Never kissed him- True

Sexual intercourse one time- True

Never cheated with anyone else- True

It's nice to know she was telling the truth, good step and shows me she is working on being honest.

Thanks for the update. Polygraph appears to substantiate what she confessed. That should provide you some assurance. She needs to continue to work on herself. Good luck.