SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How can you reach out or talk about the affair with BS. If they refuse to talk or continue to say they feel the same as day one and there is nothing you can do to help them heal. It seems everything triggers my spouse from House hold chores, to being upset with not seeing results you want from dieting/workout. I can tell when my husband is hurting or is upset but when I want to be there or talk about it. He doesn't want to because I am the one who hurt him and caused him this pain. he wants to deal with things his way. He hasn't been to therapy because of insurance. I am going to get back into therapy to help myself and finding ways to be there for my husband without being pushed away. He tries to have good days with me but deep down he thinks about the affair. It really makes me feel awful on how bad my husband is hurting because of me. It sucks I can't be there for me when he needs me. Idk if he can ever get over what I did and I really fear that its only a matter of time. Until he tells me he can't do this anymore.

First thoughts: I am assuming that you are the WS. You may get better answers in the wayward forum.

With that said, the short version is that, until he is ready and has done the work on himself to ease the trauma enough to talk, there won't be anything that you can do to reach him.

Until that time, you keep working on you. If you haven't read Linda MacDonald's "How to Help Your Spouse Heal...", I would highly recommend doing that. If you search her name, the title, and ".pdf", you should be able to find a free version online.

Good luck & Godspeed.

Hi Patty,

I agree with CR that your BH needs to take the lead in healing himself. That being said, however, I did have one thought....

Listen to the two podcast episodes mentioned on this post:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617809&HL=70701

And then give them to your husband to listen to - when he is ready. They do a fantastic job describing the trauma that a BS goes through. To me - and I know to a lot of others as well - this information was hugely helpful and gave a context to my situation. Your husband may also find it helpful.

Hi Patty21

Are you in R? If so, he’s going to need some space and time. I’m a man so I know we would rather hold our thoughts inside until we blow up. I know that early on the trauma eats at us 24/7 it lies right below the surface and any stress in life can set us off. I can tell you what helped me.

We spent 2 months after Dday in false R, with TT, blame shifting and minimizing. The most damage is done to your spouse, after Dday. I went in to deep shame and embarrassment for staying, I beat myself up for not walking away. After her fog cleared she was apologizing constantly, assuring me she wanted to be here, but let’s face it I really didn’t know what to believe, so apologies rang hollow.

One day she came to me and said “thank you for being patient and not throwing me away”. I had been so pissed at myself for going through the false R, but it was the space she needed to clear the fog. Her thanking me for patience and grace meant more than a thousand apologies.

The next major step was when my Dad was on hospice, my W was there for my parents. She stepped up in a big way for my mom and dad, cleaning, running errands, helping with meds and equipment. She was selfless, and such a blessing to my parents.

These things started to show me I can believe her, I started to trust her again. I hated seeing her walking around on eggshells so I was able to reassure her that burning dinner was not going to send me to a lawyer. I would still have bad days but I worked harder on my communication.

I’m saying her actions gave me the proof I needed to proceed in this journey. It’s been rough road but, worth it. Give your H some space and assure him you are there for him.

Best Wishes to you

Patty you seem to be really spinning your wheels lately. I'm sorry, I know that's a hard spot to be.

That said, you need to work on you. There's nothing you can do for your BH if he's not willing. He needs to focus on his own healing and you can't make him do that - he has to decide to do that for himself.

I know you probably don't want to hear this but it's important. Statistically speaking, most marriages don't survive infidelity. From all accounts your marriage before was not in the best shape, so infidelity did considerably more damage to a situation that was already not great. Maybe your marriage won't survive this. And maybe it shouldn't. I'm not saying it can't, but both of you have a huge uphill climb to make that happen and neither of you seem to be able to do that or even to take any real steps to start.

I think it's paramount that you both get really raw and very honest with each other and with yourselves about the likelihood of R. It's possible to stay stuck for a long time trying to save something, and you both owe it to yourselves to figure out if getting past this is in the cards for you. And if it's not, you both deserve to be free of it.

Just my 0.02. Hang in there!

Hi Patty.

Just curious, how far out from DDay are you and BH ? As a BH I can tell you it is not an overnight recovery or even YEARS. I'm coming up on 3 years and It is still painful at times and at others times I am thinking about divorce.

****posting as a member****

Patty, once again I am going to tell you to please stop focusing on what your BH is or isn’t doing. You keep putting this all on him.

Idk if he can ever get over what I did

This statement makes it all about him and what he is incapable of doing. Instead, say “I am not sure if I can ever make it up to him. I will work hard on becoming a safe partner and a better person as a whole.”

The changes you have to make have nothing to do with him. It’s the one thing you have control over. Grab hold of that and do the work.

Actually I am working on myself been reading alot and find things that help me through stressful days. At times I am backlashed for focusing on myself theb being for my husband. So times I am confused that when I think I am doing the right thing in reality I am not. It's been since Dec of d day. I do understand it takes time and patience. So when my husband is upset I am trying to let him be. Just it's hard to be told I am a cheater and that will never change about me. When I have been told that's not who I am forever. Everything my husband has asked me to do I follow it and I don't lash out. I have kept my word and continue to do so. I am just constantly being told what I do isn't good enough and it will never be. Or that I do say sorry or talk about it. when I do talk about it or say sorry. I am told I should have thought about that before. So at times I feel stuck do I keep trying or give him space. It's been difficult and not being able to comfort my husband is hard. We feel like roommates at the moment. We try to have good days or make time to have a date together but then my husband is reminded of the affair. I do feel horrible for destroying my marriage and most importantly my husband as a person. I have read that book but doing what it's say hasnt worked with my husband. one day at a time

Actually I am working on myself been reading alot and find things that help me through stressful days. At times I am backlashed for focusing on myself theb being for my husband. So times I am confused that when I think I am doing the right thing in reality I am not. It's been since Dec of d day. I do understand it takes time and patience. So when my husband is upset I am trying to let him be. Just it's hard to be told I am a cheater and that will never change about me. When I have been told that's not who I am forever. Everything my husband has asked me to do I follow it and I don't lash out. I have kept my word and continue to do so. I am just constantly being told what I do isn't good enough and it will never be. Or that I do say sorry or talk about it. when I do talk about it or say sorry. I am told I should have thought about that before. So at times I feel stuck do I keep trying or give him space. It's been difficult and not being able to comfort my husband is hard. We feel like roommates at the moment. We try to have good days or make time to have a date together but then my husband is reminded of the affair. I do feel horrible for destroying my marriage and most importantly my husband as a person. I have read that book but doing what it's say hasnt worked with my husband. one day at a time

We try to have good days or make time to have a date together but then my husband is reminded of the affair.

This is a roller coaster of emotions, a trigger can hit him out of nowhere. Sorry to say this is going to be part of life for a while. I’m just now working on figuring out how to deal with them.

[This message edited by Tanner at 3:47 PM, July 17th (Saturday)]

Expectations are resentments in the making.

It seems what is happening is you keep doing things in hopes to illicit a response from your husband. When you do not get the response you want, you become disappointed and frustrated.

You need to learn to be alright with throwing everything including the kitchen sink and only having something stick on the rare occasion. If you are doing the things you are doing simply to get a desired result, that is manipulation. You have to learn to do the right thing simply because it is the right thing and because you want to do them no matter the outcome.

Look at your post above. The first sentence is you responding that you are doing things to work on yourself. Every sentence after is about your BH’s reaction to what you are doing. His reaction should not be what guides you. You need to learn to be ok with you. That doesn’t mean ignoring him and only focusing on you. That means not being reactionary to his reactions. Be proactive for yourself. Do things for him because you want to do them, not because you are trying to get a positive response from him. When he doesn’t respond the way you want him to, step back and acknowledge to yourself that you are doing the best you can and you are doing what is right. If you are unable to acknowledge that, then make the changes so that it becomes true.

I know it seems like I am being hard on you. I am sincere in saying that I want you to succeed. In order to stop bleeding, you need to stop banging your head against the wall.

I don’t question that you feel horrible or that you want to fix things. Take a deep breath and reset.

I actually do things and I don't expect anything in return at all. I do them because it makes me feel good to see that my house is well kept and helps with my anxiety. I do become frustrated when at times I can't get something done and it does trigger my husband to put me down. Then it just goes back to the affair and how I'm not a good wife. I feel like at times I have to be on my toes or I'm the bad person. I feel in the same position before the affair. I just feel not good enough. but I don't expect a thank you or that I'm doing a good job. I do it because I want to that's how I have always been. I do things for my husband that I know will make him happy not because I expect praise.

I have to work on taking the heat when my husband has his triggers. I know that. Just be can difficult at times.

You can't imagine the feelings that he's going through right now. His entire reality has been ripped out from underneath him and replaced with an alien landscape. The person he thought he could trust more than anyone in the world has turned out to be an impostor. He has no way of knowing what is safe anymore.

How long do you think it should be before he can start to feel safe again? Because there is no standard timeline. It depends on the person, what they've suffered, and what you are doing to show him that he can start to trust you again.

Does your BS have any resources to help him with what he's going through? I'm sure this forum would be helpful for him but I understand that being on the same forum may not be viable.

It's unfortunate that he doesn't have therapy available. Since you do, is that an insurance situation that can be remedied eventually?

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 1:42 AM, July 18th (Sunday)]

Hello Patty-

WW here. I don’t post often but I do read from the forum daily. I have not read all of your posts, so I may be repeating what others have said. DDAY 1 for me was May 2019- I did everything wrong. TT, gaslight, blameshift, lied, and minimized. DDAY2 came in April of 2020 when BH called OBS. That is when I finally came clean about everything. The reason I give you that time frame is this- It is early for you, and for your BH. You mentioned wanting to have good days together. As early as it is in the process for you both, I would encourage you to celebrate good moments. You have both have had your world turned upside down. He has no idea how to feel. He can go from happy, to sad, to confused, and hurt in an instant. He may also feel all of those emotions at the same time. The best you can do right now is work on you and how you approach him. Remind yourself one day at a time. Remember what you are working to achieve. A better you for both of you. A safe partner. This type of change does not happen overnight and it doesn’t happen because you are saying you are working on it. You mentioned that you are working on you by reading and journaling. Do you share your journal with him? Do you do little things for him like bringing him a cup of coffee in the morning? Have you suggested setting time aside to discuss questions or feelings he has about the affair? My BH and I go to lunch at a park once a week and he brings a notepad of questions he has. We eat and talk. That seems to have helped. If you ask him if he would like to talk and he says no, then tell him you know he is hurting and you are sorry for that. Tell him you appreciate that he is still trying.

I have noticed things in your posts that seem to be a theme. These are my observations only and not meant to be critical or bashing.

You read each other’s threads. Not a good idea. I used to read my BH’s thread. I did this because I wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling. The fact is, that changes so often, and is sometimes driven by anger or sadness that it may not even be accurate in his mind. Reading his thread will not put you on a fast track to healing, it will likely impede your progress, because now you are changing for him and not you.

You mention keeping a clean house. If that is helpful for your stress and anxiety, that is great. Having a clean house can help you feel that your inner turmoil and chaos are calmed. This may not create a calm oasis for him. If he is angry and you are cleaning, do you stop what you are doing to really hear what he is angry about? Or do you become upset that he has interrupted your healing?

You have also mentioned that he does not help you or he gets angry if you ask for help. There were days that my BH did nothing but read from the forum or sleep or just watch TV. Not because he did not want to help- he couldn’t. The shock and trauma is real. We go from telling them the awful details of the affair and coming out of our own fog not recognizing the nightmare has just begun for them. So there will be days you will need to take a deep breath and carry the responsibility for both of you. When you do that without protest or frustration, you will be showing him that you are there for him. I get the impression that you believe him helping you makes him an equal partner in the marriage, that he is fully committed to the M and won’t leave.

This final thought might be the hardest yet. As a WW, I know that I want nothing more than to be given the gift of reconciliation from my BH. It struck me that you have moved your postings from Wayward to Reconciliation. IMO, this seems a move in the direction of a desperate plea. That you are in a sense, trying to pull your BH in to R by showing him where you want to be.

Show him you want him to be in R by staying calm, staying consistent, staying loving and kind. Don’t argue, but do tell him you love him and you understand that you have hurt him. Approach everyday as the gift it is- he is still there and that speaks volumes.

The journey is long and difficult, but as WW’s, we set the path our M’s are on.

Best,

MID

When my husband is upset I do try to comfort him but he doesn't want that from me. I do things that he likes or give him a massage if he is feeling stressed. When I sense something may trigger him I ask if he wants to talk or if he is okay. He rather keep his emotions to himself.i clean because if I don't or don't keep up with the house or things outside then I am a bad wife and it reminds him when I was cheating. So I stay committed to keeping my word with household chores,cook/clean. if he asks for help I tell him I got it so he can rest. It can be alot at times when he doesn't appreciate it but I just stay quiet because I don't want to fight. At times he is triggered and brings up the affair and puts me down. I take it and I agree that I was wrong or that I Amanda person for doing that to him. I have been honest with him about my affair. Just right now it's tough because this was around the time frame when it was going on. so I know that it is painful. When he wants to be my affection or wants me to pamper him I do it because I love it and I want him to know I enjoy to do that for him. When I was writings notes my words meant nothing so I did stop.i am going to get back into that when my husband refuses to talk. When he does little things for me. I tell him thank for the act of kindness when I know I don't deserve it. On our good days we cherish them and we plan for each weekend to do things together if we're busy during the week. At the moment talking about it isn't what my husband wants to do. I just follow his lead on what he is okay with doing. Just feels like I'm walking on eggshells but I know one day at a time. I do get emotional when I know I did this to my husband and I do pray he can get through this. I will be here for him until he tells me different. I can to this forum to seek advice because the things people tell me having been working. Then when I focus on myself then I'm selfish. So at times I am confused on what I should do.

When his insurance comes in he will seek therapy and I will be looking this weekgor one and get the help I need to I can be a safe partner

Patty21:

As a BS I don't have any words of wisdom for you, or able to answer your question other than to be patient.

I was really angry and had outbursts until around 4 months. I had a lot of difficulty, and I can feel what Camel is probably feeling. As you know, it is horrible.

I pray for you just as I pray for him.

That's all I wanted to say.

I am doing my best to be patient. My husband has given me a year but he tells me that he doesn't think he will ever move on from this. I do the best I can to be there for him and listen.he pushes me away alot and it's hard for him to let me comfort him. It hurts me to see my husband in so much pain and how he may never recover from this. He is staying with me for the next few months to be with my son before we divorce. I don't want my husband to suffer anymore because of me. So I will stay the next few months and if my husband can't be married to me. Then we will divorce. It sucks but it was my choice to cheat and I have to respect/accept what my husband chooses to do

Just it's hard to be told I am a cheater and that will never change about me. When I have been told that's not who I am forever.

You will always be someone who cheated, but you do not have to always be a cheater.

As others have said and I feel the same, your posts seem to have an underlying feeling of resentment that your husband is not reacting as you expect. Is it possible he is sensing this? It certainly could be this is just in your post here, but that's unlikely and a BS can be very attune to these subtleties.