SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am proud as hell of myself!

I made it through our first family vacation post d-day, and actually had a blast. It was 7 days and 6 nights, and a 7 hour long car ride. I wasn’t completely free of triggers or intrusive thoughts, but handled them really well. My husband was great to make sure I was doing ok and able to relax. He went out of his way to be helpful with my sister and her husband’s family (they have 5 kids). He played with my nieces and nephews (as well as our own kids) more than their own father. My mom also went, and he was so attentive to her and helped her so much since she is a single woman. I was glad to have him, and imagined how different it would have been if he wasn’t there. Not that I wouldn’t have been able to handle it, but it was nice to feel appreciative of him.

I never thought I would be in this place. I never thought the pain and the grief would ever subside, but they have, and I finally feel like I’m out of the pit that was my home for so long. I still feel hurt sometimes, but I also am able to feel contentment, and even joy now. There is an other side to this, and I’m well on my way.

We really do have to stop punishing ourselves for choosing to stay. There won’t be any freedom until we are able to do so. It’s so easy to allow ourselves to be haunted by some figment of our imagination. The person we thought we’d be if our spouse ever cheated on us. The truth is, that person didn’t exist until d-day. They couldn’t have. The betrayed spouse isn’t born until after discovery. So if you’re stuck in comparison mode between who you thought you’d be as a BS, and the actual reality of you as a BS, I say let that shit go.

Keep going ladies and gents. It really does get better.

So glad to hear it!! I’m in 2 years antiversary of “A” season and it’s not been so bad. I give a lot of the credit to my W for being attentive to this season. It’s hard to be down and out when you are having a great time with your spouse. Keep up the great work!!! Both of you.

Undeserving - what a lovely update. I totally agree that some of our pain comes from shame and so we punish ourselves for staying. We question what staying says about us and this prevents us from actually taking a long look at what makes US happiest.

I came home on Friday and experienced just such a wonderful, happy family evening which launched a full on weekend. We were laughing, dancing, joking, singing and I looked round and felt real joy and contentment and safety in my home and with my WH.

I do feel pain, it is still lurking and can catch me unawares but the road I’ve travelled is one I’m proud of. But the crushing pain, not so much.

You’re right it does get better.

AWESOME update...thanks so much for sharing !!!

There is an other side to this, and I’m well on my way.

YES...yes...there IS an "other side" to this...and it feels so GOOD to be there doesn't it ???!!! We may not get to that side with our spouse...but we WILL get OUT of infidelity...we just have to keep moving FORWARD . Even the air smells better over here !!!

You know where this post belongs Dear Lady . Just imagine the HOPE that you will bring to someone who is just starting their journey OUT of infidelity HELL when they read your post in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread at the top of THIS Forum . What encouragement THIS post will bring to them!!!

Just COPY your post...and PASTE it in that thread . Then it will live on in that thread for many months...if not YEARS .

I promise I will post in the PRS thread when I believe we have fully reconciled. Right now, I still feel like we are very much in the beginning stages of R.

I had spent the better part of 18 months punishing myself for staying. Some days I loathed myself for it. I couldn’t accept I wasn’t the woman I thought I was. I just KNEW I would leave if he ever cheated. Yet here I was, staying. Wtf was wrong with me? That’s why I emphasized not comparing what you THOUGHT you would do, to what you actually did. It is pointless, and really is like being haunted by some figment of your own imagination. I also seemed to punish myself by constantly reliving the A. If I had chosen divorce, I wouldn’t be doing that to the extent I was. Why because I chose R must I stay stuck in the past? Why must I give in to every intrusive thought and trigger because I didn’t leave? Fuck that. So now I think “would you still be hung up on this little detail if you had left? No. Well stop thinking about it then!” “Would you be comparing yourself to the AP in any way shape or form if you had left? Hell no, so fucking stop!” I apply that to so many thoughts and feelings and I feel so much more free. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to anyone else. Maybe it looks like rugsweeping, but I don’t care. I’m ready to move forward as the new woman I have become and in the new marriage we are building.

Thanks to those who commented! Your words really are encouraging. :)

Maybe it looks like rugsweeping, but I don’t care.

Rugsweeping is pretending it didn’t happen and hope for the best against unresolved sadness and anger.

To me, that’s not what you’re doing.

You are taking on and challenging your feelings head on.

I think we should feel all the feels, but never let our feelings own us or define us. I think that’s a part of what happens to a WS, they cave in to feelings (appreciated, attractive, wtf ever, blah, blah) instead of taking charge of what’s in their heads.

I’m in the group of people who was certain I would never stay if infidelity happened. My wife was sure too, I think that’s part of why she is grateful for a final chance.

But for me — I am NOT the sum of my wife’s poor choices.

I kept my end of the deal up. And then, based on the work my wife did, I offered a compassionate opportunity to see if we get do it all better. I don’t feel guilty at all. I didn’t owe her this chance, but in my case, it’s been worth it.

It took me a while too, to get where you are.

It’s a big corner to turn. I’m glad you made it this far. Because now, regardless of what happens, you will not punish yourself for who you’re not.

I’m not a betrayed spouse.

Betrayal is what HAPPENED to me, as a verb, not a noun that defines me.

I didn’t do anything to earn the distinction, so why the Hell would I wear it around like a hat?

I’m a person who held my vows and had an empathy gear I didn’t know I had, to offer the gift of R.

I ain’t perfect, and if it the worst case somehow happens again, I’ll sleep well, knowing I did all I could.

All of this opens up that door to see some good in you, in your spouse and maybe even the relationship, if both people keep working at it.

Sounds like a great vacation.

You SHOULD be proud of you Underserving.

Nice work.

Maybe it looks like rugsweeping, but I don’t care.

I have followed you from day 1 in JFO, YOU have never attempted to rug sweep this. You have emerged from this as one bad ass trigger slayer. No matter where this R journey takes you, you are strong and capable to make it through.

That's great news, Unde(r)serving!

I think you describe healing, not rug-sweeping.

Maybe it looks like rugsweeping, but I don’t care. I’m ready to move forward as the new woman I have become and in the new marriage we are building.

If you've examined those thoughts and feelings, come to terms with them, and are ready to accept and move on with your life then I don't think that's rugsweeping.

Rugsweeping is trying to avoid dealing with those thoughts and feelings so that they end up under the surface unresolved.

I think bad memories will always intrude from time to time. Without one of those MIB flashy things it's inevitable. At some point it's good to take the reins and say, "I know what that's about. I'm not going to let it rule me anymore."

I promise I will post in the PRS thread when I believe we have fully reconciled. Right now, I still feel like we are very much in the beginning stages of R.

I am looking forward to THAT post !!! Everyone feels differently about that thread...and you make very valid points . I had someone who was a veteran on here tell me that he had posted in that thread before...at the beginning of his R journey...so he didn't feel the need to post again...when he was years into R .

I have used that thread to help in my own journey...and I do go back and read through them from time to time...to see how far I have come . I cringe too...when I read how I once used the words "mistake" and "accept"...which I will NOT use NOW !!! I tend to project MY feelings toward that thread and how much it encouraged me to keep going...giving me HOPE. What I FEEL about that thread though may be entirely different from what others feel...and that is just fine .

That’s why I emphasized not comparing what you THOUGHT you would do, to what you actually did.

So TRUE!!!

I’m ready to move forward as the new woman I have become and in the new marriage we are building.

THIS is what counts...moving FORWARD . Thanks so much for sharing your insight into what worked for YOU!! We EACH have to do what is best for US. It may not look like anyone else's journey...but it doesn't matter. YOUR words are just as valid as all of ours...and they WILL help someone on here who is seeking a path similar to yours .