SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Even after 8 years it still haunts me. We stayed together but it's hard to forget. My only advise is think twice before staying with a cheater. Im in an annoyed mood today and he doesn't even know why. I won't bring it up, but people who cheat don't realize the ramifications projected on the other person. I know..it was my decision to stay. Some days I wish I walked away. Not sure cheaters deserve a second chance. I'll remember this day in silence and even after 8 years it still hurts.

I am sorry you are still in pain. I never advocate for R just because I've only ever read about it working. Real life has always shown me the contrary.

I guess it works for some and I hope you can find peace and happiness in your life. You can always still change your mind on D. No at this stage I'm not advising you to do so, but you know the option is always on the table.

Whatever choices you make going forward, at least in this regard, I wish you only the best.

I'm so sorry you feel this way, I am 15 years out and honestly the pain didn't quiet down substantially until about year 10. My WH did everything right except trickle truth me to literal death, so PTSD ensued and so the awful trauma continued.

Now it still hurts if I actually think hard about it but it rarely happens. I wish I had the guts to leave back then but I come from a family of divorce and didn't want my children to experience the same unhappiness I did as a child and finances would have been an issue bc I had only worked part-time when my kids were in school.

Three of my neighbors experienced infidelity a little while after I did, all of these women were devastated, but each got a divorce and time has brought them so much happiness, peace, and several new relationships.

Hopefully you will get to the point of indifference.

people who cheat don't realize the ramifications projected on the other person.

Many do.

Not sure cheaters deserve a second chance.

Some do.

I'll remember this day in silence and even after 8 years it still hurts.

It probably hurts so much because you're suffering in silence. If you don't have a marriage where you can talk about your feelings, that's not R. That's coexisting. JMO

people who cheat don't realize the ramifications projected on the other person.

We do.

I'll give you a small anecdote regarding my life. Our eldest is currently diagnosed with anorexia. The last couple of weeks were hell for us. And I could see my wife was suffering not just because of that. So I pushed. And apparently part of our daughter's illness manifested in some things that trigger my wife's memory of my infidelity. She needed to talk but didn't want to. We talked anyway because I wanted to hear her needs. And we both needed us to work together.

You don't have to suffer in silence. You won't heal in silence. If your husband is serious about reconciliation he already knows something is off. If you're serious about reconciliation, share your pain.

I hope you find wellness.

I appreciate all the comments but sometimes it's hard to let go. I think I never let go of it. The woman my husband had an affair with stalked me. Remember the movie Fatal Attraction. That was me. I had to go to court and she was prosecuted. I actually had my own lawyer. This woman was a nut and wanted to harm me. I had to walk around with a mase gun until she was arrested. My husband and I talk and went to therapy. I just never got over it and even after 8 years, I don't trust him. It's not anything he's doing..its my inability to let go.

I know..it was my decision to stay. Some days I wish I walked away.

You still can.. walk away, I mean. There's FREEDOM in embracing your choice. YOU control where you choose to plant your feet, and if you're not happy with where you are, I think it's completely fair to make another decision.

Your WH can't change anything that has happened. It all happened and it was NOT okay. But if you have given eight years to this reconciliation and it's still untenable, why not just be open about it? Tell him the truth about how you feel and then exercise your right to make a different choice.

It’s about healing yourself. Whether you R or S or D, it doesn’t change the fact that the trauma occurred.

But it’s healing yourself to get to a place where you have moved past it. Or aren’t suffering from it.

I was impacted by a YouTube video by Will Smith (actor) called Fault vs Responsibility. The basic message is that bad things will happen to us but it’s our responsibility to heal ourselves.

Think of a car accident where you break your leg. It wasn’t your fault that you were injured. But it’s your responsibility to heal your leg to as close to 100% as you can. No one dose can do that for you.

It made an impact b/c I was expecting my H to heal me. And he coukd only do so much. The rest was up to. me.

Even after 8 years it still haunts me. We stayed together but it's hard to forget. My only advise is think twice before staying with a cheater. Im in an annoyed mood today and he doesn't even know why. I won't bring it up, but people who cheat don't realize the ramifications projected on the other person. I know..it was my decision to stay. Some days I wish I walked away. Not sure cheaters deserve a second chance. I'll remember this day in silence and even after 8 years it still hurts.

I find this extremely relevant in light of the whole discussion about a "statue of limitations" being placed on a betrayed spouse's healing. Time after time, we see BS's show up, in pain, many years later.

Time.

After.

Time.

people who cheat don't realize the ramifications projected on the other person.

Some do. Many, many do not. That's a truism observed in "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." It's almost as if the author, a therapist, wrote it out of sheer frustration after seeing a majority of WS's remaining clueless about the devastation they have caused. She even uses that phrase: remaining clueless.

Also from the book: Between 65 percent and 75 percent of straying spouses fail to save their marriages after the breach of infidelity.

Meaning, realistically, only about a quarter of marriages survive after infidelity. They may limp along for some years. But the odds are against it lasting unless the wayward spouse does the hard and relentless of turning from being a destroyer to a proactive healer.

It doesn't sound like your husband is doing that.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:06 PM, August 4th (Wednesday)]