SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't been posting here because my husband is on the autism spectrum and it presents challenges that are hard to understand. The biggest being the lack of Theory of Mind, put simply, it is the inability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand their perspective. You can all imagine what a strain that puts on any kind of healing or boundaries.

My heart aches, he is absolutely trying very hard, but often he does things that are on the surface so absolutely thoughtless. I can grasp where he is coming from, he cannot grasp why it is triggering for me. He tries, but he just can't until I very plainly spell it out for him.

Our reconciliation will be hard, it can't follow the typical path. Explaining here what is going on would illicit cries of "he just isn't trying," or "he is rug sweeping." Explaining in my support group for neourodiverse couples gets crickets because having a spouse on the spectrum who cheat is such a rare thing. The comfort given to neurotypicals with spouses on the spectrum when they aren't feeling loved is that with autism you know what they are saying is true and even though they aren't showing love in the typical ways they are typically extremely loyal and do love you. I don't have that comfort.

He is seeing a specialist for adults on the spectrum, we are seeing a counselor together. I haven't yet found one for myself. I'm struggling with finding a 3rd counselor who is familiar with Autism in adults, it was hard enough to find two.

I just feel like crap and feel so alone. One or the other would be enough, but I don't know if I can, or should, do this with both issues.

I don’t know if there a typical path for R. R is brutally difficult for most and rarely on a similar path, at least based on all the stories related here at SI.

I also think a lot of WS — even those who are able to show some level of empathy — will never comprehend the pain they caused.

My wife took a while to understand triggers and she’s not on the spectrum. Just normal WS re-learning compassion for someone they hurt.

That said, I had to have some level of understanding from my wife in order to move forward. So, your situation sounds extra difficult for R.

And, only you know your limits. You’re taking on a lot trying to R for the both of you. I don’t know that it can be done alone either. WS effort is nice, but if one truly doesn’t understand what or why you get triggered, I can’t imagine how trust can be earned back.

Ultimately, I think you can only give what you have and be able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you’ve done everything possible to salvage a relationship.

Somewhere along the way, you’ve got to get something back, regardless of the inherent difficulties of loving someone on the spectrum. My best friend’s wife is on the spectrum and I have no idea where his infinite patience comes from — he is also a BS.

Thank you.

He does acknowledge how much I am taking on. I truly wish we had this diagnosis the first time. But, don't we all have things we could go back and change.

I see his effort, but it doesn't take away the hurt.

Hi confusedwife, count me confused too. My WH is not diagnosed, but I've done enough research to understand he is on the spectrum and does not operate like other people. Not until we were married 30some years and in the throes of infidelity discovery, did I learn he has no internal dialog, no deep inner thoughts, no need for self analysis or reflection and minimal empathy for others. I always knew he was kind of an ass, that came with the high intelligence and FOO territory, but I always believed I was his person, the one person he could be himself with and I believed him to be a brutally honest and forthright person. Right up until I found his mistress's love letter. It has been a painful discovery of what he is capable of and his cold reasoning for his actions.

My heart aches too, as he is trying very hard to move forward with a very narrow skill set, and he focuses on activities and acts of service and building me lovely things as gifts. He can't do the things I need, like talk about feelings or emotions or motivations, and he will not under any circumstance see a therapist, not even for me or to save our marriage. He believes we will be just fine because he decided to stop cheating. (This makes me crazy, because at discovery they went underground for 7-8 months until I threatened her off with nuclear disclosure, so he never decided a thing, other than to lie for another year until all the lies got uncovered.)

He cannot grasp triggers and thinks they are stupid. He thinks therapy is for weak people who can't choose to be happy and move forward. He said the words open, honest, authentic relationship, which I keep asking him to give me, make him angry because those are stupid touchy feely buzzwords. Honesty? Really? Maybe it was authentic that set him off... He thinks discussing the past is a waste of time, even when I propose it as a problem solving or learning exercise. I have to spell out so many obvious things that it is mind numbing. (Give a crying woman a kleenex is my biggest accomplishment.)

I have struggled with worries that he is rug sweeping, not trying, manipulating me, etc., but with the spectrum issues, it may be that he does not have the skills, personality, tools in his belt or bandwidth to be a reconciliation candidate. He does what he does and that is how he operates. Like yours, my WH surprised me to my core with his ability to deceive and lie, with little remorse. I do know there is some guilt and shame hiding in there, but he is not capable of discussing it with me or anyone else. It would be weak of him to talk about such things, or it might cause him discomfort, so he just won't.

At least yours is seeing someone and there is hope to build understanding and empathy without all the heartache it takes to do it by ourselves. I'm sorry you feel so alone, this is the loneliest job I have ever had. Be kind to yourself and I hope the path forward reveals itself to you.

Stay in touch, maybe we can find others with this particular issue to help guide us through. This will be a very hard path to walk for us both, no matter which direction we go. Hugs to you.

WRT IC for you: Can the 2 Cs you're working with now give you some recommendations?

Also, it may take special skills for an IC to help you understand or influence your WS, but I think any good IC is likely to be able to help you process your feelings.

I'm sorry you're here.

I like 'neurotypical' and 'neurodiverse', BTW. Thanks for using the terms.

Hi op. I just wanted to post and say my WH is also high functioning autistic. Very high functioning. But very autistic...

I empathise so much with you. It makes it so much harder when they are incapable of putting themselves in your shoes.

I also think being autistic plays into why he cheated in the first place.

If you would like to talk, I'm here. If you want we can keep this thread going to chat through how it feels and the unique challenges.

My WH is desperate to reconcile, but he's screwing it up badly. It's not unless I threaten to leave that he panics.

It makes it hard that he looks so frightened and wounded. The way neurodiversity works in relationships is challenging even without this.

I'd like to hug you today. I know how alone and unseen you must feel. I feel it too. I so badly need him to understand how I feel. He's not able to.

At least not unless the same happened to him, and if it did, he would be unable to cope.

Like pp, mine thinks he's stopped having an affair so it's okay. He doesn't understand the complexity of my pain.

[This message edited by GraceLoves at 5:03 PM, Wednesday, August 18th]

I'd like to add in ways, aside from theory of mind, that I think the autism played into this so you can see if you identify.

1. I think it made him oblivious AP was after him romantically. A neurotypical would have known she was not just being friendly.

2. I think autistics need to feel loved, and will accept it sometimes from the wrong source like a rescue dog. It's an innocence.

3. I think they struggle to play out consequences of things. Like executive function in terms of relationships.

4. I think they are susceptible to manipulation and if a wily AP comes along they can be led astray psychologically.

5. They take stuff at face value. So if some woman at work is being kind and listening to their problems, they might not spot the motivation behind it.

6. They don't easily know the right thing to say or do, especially when complex emotions are involved.

7. They don't easily have emotional self awareness. They can find it hard to identify feelings and can mistake one feeling for another.

8. They can be really self-absorbed. Not being nasty here as I have an autistuc brother, daughter and father, but they can get really sucked into themselves.

9. They can have low self-esteem related to a lifetime of rejection or feeling weird. This makes a person vulnerable to flattery I guess.

All that doesn't apply to all of course, I know a lot of autistics and like neurotypicals they're all different. But for me, these factors play in with the problem and how we got here.

[This message edited by GraceLoves at 5:02 PM, Wednesday, August 18th]

Sisoon, we are going to ask for a referral from his counselor. He was undiagnosed for years. This results in Cassandra Syndrome in the neurotypical spouse. It is similar to CPTSD.

GraceLoves, your first sentence made me smile. Yes, very high functioning and very autistic.

It is such a unique challenge. Constantly reminding myself of how what he says makes sense in his mind as something comforting. If it weren't for his effort there is no way I could do this.

I agree with many of your points, he has zero real social skills. Just fancy masks.

I read this thread with interest because while WH(m53) isn’t officially diagnosed, when we were in MC, our counselor said she wondered if he was on the spectrum as we have a daughter who is high functioning autistic. It would explain his lack of ability to empathize and make eye contact.
There is the added problem of severe emotional, physical, and sexual abuse he suffered as a child.

Graceloves list just had me shaking my head yes to almost every everything noted - and while I don’t believe his EA went PA (because the 20yo coworker stopped it), it explains how he could so easily get sucked in with someone - anyone who showed him a little be of extra attention and made him feel like a hero.

I still have to question why a 20yo coworker and not me or his kids and I’m not sure where potentially being on the spectrum/neurotypical fits in with his putting himself out on dating websites like Tinder…

And again, we / he has no official diagnosis, but even my IC has asked, based on things I’ve told her, whether he’s considered getting tested.

For those with WS’s who have been officially diagnosed, my heart goes out to you. <3

@hysteria, while I wouldn't rule it out, I would hesitate to be quick to jump to it. My husband makes great eye contact. It isn't so much a lack of empathy as a really really deep desire to fully understand what the other person is feeling and just not being able to do it.

It is extremely rare to both be on the spectrum and have affairs, it obviously happens, but it is rare.

Nothing about my husband having an affair was part of his assessment, it was things like him being held back from school at 5 years because he wasn't talking yet.

Having the explanation doesn't make any of it easier, if anything it makes it harder.

A bright spot is that he contacted his specialist to add more appointments to his schedule.