SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It seems I have willed this into existence. After taking a several year break from this board and making great process in R and my own healing, I just hopped on a week or two to share some experiences and ask for advice, and then...

Turns out my office at work is going to be moving right next door to where AP and WW worked. I will pass by it basically every day. I spent many hours considering whether to go park out front, wait for him to walk out, and then confront him... eventually I decided not to because I figured I'd either end up in jail or dead, honestly (WW mentioned how he always felt the need to concealed carry... ). I've been grappling with that, when...

...I ran into AP at a store near my house a few days ago. I wasn't 100% sure at first, but I loitered and sleuthed, saw his tattoos and later confirmed with WW it was almost certainly him. I think he noticed me and fled before I could decide whether to confront him or not.

In the whirlwind of emotion that followed, I did some internet sleuthing and found out that he is living with the same girlfriend he had during the A. Of course he told WW that they were on-and-off, not really together then, and when they were together she didn't sleep with him enough, etc, sob story. But now I know they are still together and he cheated on her with my WW in 2016.

So decision time, it's been 5 years. I don't ever feel like I got to adequately confront him and say my piece. He walked away scott free and has zero consequences--ever. And his GF is probably unaware he cheated on her.

As part of my sleuthing, I know where they live and could drop off a letter for her OR him. It's also pretty likely I could get an email or phone number.

So... 4.5 years after D Day, do I actually reach out to him? To her? There is still a SLIGHT possibility they weren't together when the A happened, so does that influence my decision?

What does everyone else think?

You don't do/say anything to AP. Neither does/should your (f)WW.

If you never exposed to the other partner - it not too late. It took me well over a year to inform OBS [my biggest regret is I did not expose upon discovery] and I only did so when I discovered the LTA had just gone underground.

My script went something like this "HI - my name is Chaos. Your wife [LTAP] and my husband Mr Chaos were involved in a LTA from [date] to [date]. I just found out it never ended and they are still in contact/active in the LTA. I should have told you sooner. I'm very sorry."

IF you choose to expose, and he then tries to come after you - 911.

In my case, LTAP had been stalking us for years after the DDay [where I told OBS] and we recently had to get an attorney to send a Cease and Desist.

I assume communicating with AP opens a door... WW does not have any feelings whatsoever for him, and is completely indifferent. So I wouldn't worry about that. It would just give me some satisfaction. Probably not worth it, I suppose.

I never exposed to her because for one, I wasn't sure if they were together or not (WW naively believed their on-and-off thing meant they weren't together...) and I also didn't know how to get ahold of her. Now I'm pretty sure I can find a phone, email, or both.

I do feel like she deserves to know, though if they really WEREN'T together then it might be weird for me to tell her.

What will it do to improve your life?

Revenge? Justice? Catharsis?

What will it do?

My IC has asked me this question also... she hasn't expressly said that getting some kind of "revenge" within reason is a terrible thing. We are exploring what I need in order to stop being angry, and actually forgive AP...and whether enacting some kind of consequence or revenge would help. I can see him as a sick, pitiful man. But it doesn't make me less angry. If WW were not pregnant I would not be this angry (I know because I am far less angry at her earlier APs). Cheating with a pregnant wife feels like an assault on humanity, on human decency, on an unborn child. I don't know if my sense of justice will allow me to forgive him without knowing he has had some kind of consequence... maybe not even a consequence. Just an *awareness* that he committed atrocities and needs to feel awful about himself. I never even confronted him, never yelled at him. Never reclaimed my masculinity from him, letting him wander off into the world without a care in the world.

Is it wrong that I want that? Maybe. I don't know. I've had years to overcome anger at WW, years of understanding her reasoning and her existence as a broken, flawed human. I don't see him as that. Maybe I should. But I don't.

Exposing to his girlfriend, assuming they are still together, is something she deserves to know...but is also a natural consequence of his actions.

Will it let me let go of some of the anger I have towards him? That would be the thinking, but I am not sure if it's true. And if they aren't together anymore or I can't actually find a way to contact her, I am still in the same boat, hating his guts and wanting him to feel some consequences. Letting go of the anger would let me shed some of the power he still holds over me... I don't want to be held hostage by anger anymore, but I can't figure out how.

Honestly, I don't think it matters if you tell out of revenge or catharsis,or any other reason that is a positive for you. You tell her because it's the right thing to do. She deserves the truth, every bit as much as you did.

Send her a registered letter. One that requires her signature,and only her signature. Include your name,and phone number, ask that she call you to confirm she received the letter. Include a copy of any evidence you have. Be very factual in the letter, include dates,etc.

Tell her. Immediately.

I don't think it matters if you tell out of revenge or catharsis,or any other reason that is a positive for you. You tell her because it's the right thing to do. She deserves the truth, every bit as much as you did.

BINGO!

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:03 PM, Friday, August 20th]

All true. I still can't quite sleuth out whether they are together or not, still... I definitely see a shared address at *some* point but internet searches are iffy on whether that was in the past, or now. Maybe it doesn't matter and I should do it anyway. But does it matter if they aren't together anymore, would that just be painful and angering for no reason?

I actually wrote the letter yesterday already. At least a 1st draft. That, in itself, is a bit of catharsis.

I had not considered the registered letter. That is an excellent idea.

I had two OMs. Their lives have both collapsed. I had to hold back from confronting them, and I am happy with what has happened to them both. Not happy, perhaps, but joyful; it is satisfying.

I suggest standing off and keeping watch.

I'll keep it short: tell his girlfriend, she has every right to know. What time it occurred is her issue, not yours. As far as he goes, he deserves to be stomped to death on the curb if he knew your wife was married, but our society is to gentle for such justice these days.

Find out where she works and send it to her there. Not to the house at which she may or may not live with the AP.