SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We've been through a false disclosure and a botched polygraph on our own without the help of experts. He withheld a lot, and now it's time to air that mess out.

Going forward, I know he'll be guided through the preparation.
Then comes another d day.
My therapist (who is amazing) will be there as well as his.

What can I really expect though? Will I just sit there trying to control my emotions as he reads through a long list of betrayals?

I don't like to show emotions in public, so I imagine the whole thing will be suffocating. What happens after I hear it? Am I supposed to react? Say something? Sink through the floor?

Trivial, I know, but what to wear? Leggings and sneakers so I can roll into a ball and wish for a quick death? Or something that says I'm beautiful, way too good for you, and look at what you gave up for meaningless sex with whores.

All these questions I can ask the therapist, but I'd like to hear some first hand experiences too.

My 2 cents- wear whatever makes you feel bad ass and bullet proof. Not for him to see - but for YOU. If that granny panties and sweats go for it. If that full on evening wear and stilettos with red lipstick go for it. Leggings and sneakers go for it. In fact, have a few options in your head so whatever you feeling that day you are prepared.

As for how to react, you can't predict that. But go with whatever you feel when you feel it. Feel those feels. If that means letting the tears flow do it. If that means curling in a ball do it. If that means sitting ramrod straight not blinking as those hits keep coming do it. Don't deny your body it reaction to trauma. You feel your feels whatever they may be.

I'm glad your IC will be there as I am sure you will have much to discuss. Don't hold back.

If you were doing it on your own, I'd prepare myself to listen with as little reaction as possible so as not to interrupt the flow. On your own, listen, then respond the best way you know how.

With both therapists there, I agree with Chaos. He's got support for when he needs it. You do, too. Be yourself.

I'd avoid the evening gown/stiletto approach. You'll do best for yourself if you can move freely.

The reason for being yourself is to show your WS who you are and who he'll have to deal with if R is on the table. Your WS needs to want you in order for R to succeed. If your WS can't give you support in your pain, you may very well not want to R with your WS.

Be yourself, even if that means not following my advice.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:39 PM, Thursday, October 14th]

I never had an official disclosure, but I remember how it felt to keep finding out more and more and more and more. Serial cheaters are just so much. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have any good advice. I don't think there's a right way to take something that's so wrong. You have all my empathy on this. Just remember that none of it is a reflection on you. You'll be on my mind for sure when that day happens. It's hard and sadly lots of us know how it feels, so you aren't alone.

Do you have a safety plan? I don't mean physical safety. Emotional safety?

If it's a lot....is there plan for him to stay somewhere for a day or two?

How will communication be handled if you need him to leave?

If he stays in the home is there a room/place you can retreat too?

Stock the house with your fav comfort foods and drinks.

Create a bing tv list on Netflix. Action or comedy. Something mind numbing and a distraction.

Comfy pajamas and clothes for laying around

Your fav body wash for long baths

Play list of favorite songs

A friend/family on standby for emergency early morning vent sessions

I'm with Chaos..dress how you feel. Even if it's a evening gown and badass ass shoes.

Sending hugs

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 6:23 PM, Thursday, October 14th]

Thanks to all for the tips.

One concern I have is that I'll try to stifle my emotions because I know people are watching me.

Does it feel strange to have others witness such a dramatic emotional event in your life? Or do the concerns just go out the window when the trauma kicks into high gear?

For me such concerns just went out the window. I lost it when I lost it and circumstances sadly didn't matter that much. I lost it in a work meeting one day because I'd just found something out and that was so embarrassing. At least with therapists you're expected to be able to get emotional.

It has to feel weird, though. Having witnesses to such an awful thing. They've seen it all I expect, but still. I get where it would feel awkward.

Does it feel strange to have others witness such a dramatic emotional event in your life?

I think yes... and no.
It can be really hard to be vulnerable with your IC... and the disclosure adds his IC to the mix as well.
And
I think learning to be vulnerable in that kind of setting is part of "the work" for both the WS and the BS.

Another way to look at it is if you had a broken leg, would you mask your pain to the doctor? I doubt it.
This really isn't any different, in that these ICs are there to HELP and HEAL you. similar to a physician, they can't do that w/o knowing what hurts, how it hurts, why it hurts, etc.

Is it just you, H, and both your Cs? If so, don't worry for one second about your reaction and how you look. They don't care.

Does it feel strange to have others witness such a dramatic emotional event in your life? Or do the concerns just go out the window when the trauma kicks into high gear?

My DDay was H confessing to multiple affairs in the MC's office. I have absolutely no recollection of the C at all. I don't remember much of anything except that the F-bombs were bouncing off the walls and the C asked us if we had guns in the house. The C was there to support us. If I looked rough, well, I had good reason, right?

Hugs.

During my FWS's formal Timeline Review (over several sessions in MC), I just went ahead and let myself ugly-cry. It was appropriate.

I wasn't able to speak (a first), so I was glad that our very talented MC was able to ask the tough questions that accompanied step by step review of the details (and H's mindset) of what led up to and happened in the intial days/weeks of the A.

Painful as it was, I believe the exercise was fundamental in getting me closer to the truth of what I didn't know, and for FWS to really look at and verbalize the enormity of what he had done to me (and us) over the past 5 months.

Completely worth it. Be how you are. It's all good.