SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

on youtube - blundered into the

"15 Things Cheaters Say When Confronted"

worth a look I think

"We" should be quick to point this stuff out to the JFOs

part of the cheaters handbook?

Ring a bell with anyone?

edit: She hit 7 of them when confronted

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 3:22 AM, Thursday, August 11th]

It seems very accurate. My STBXWH used at least 7 out of those 15 phrases when being confronted at the beginning of his affair and as he continues to have it. I know I would not have been able to accept it near my first DDAY as I was too much into survivale mode, but it could help others just finding out.

Amusing. Sad that it’s true.

Ones I’ve heard mentioned here (often) that I also heard were:

We should all be friends.

If you met her you would like her.

There is nothing going on, it’s all in your head.

We didn’t have sex.

He/she doesn’t mean anything to me.

We only had sex once and I didn’t enjoy it.

I can talk to him/her in ways I cannot talk to you (spouse).

I’m sure there are others. But it’s all just so typical of the cheater.

What I hear constantly is "you don't understand how I can compartmentalize and love you at the same time I was doing things with her."

So accurate! It’s quite sad.

For those not wanting to go watch the video:

1) No / straight up denial
2) Dramatic words/sound effect (sarcasm) e.g. "WOOOOOOOOW!" "Psh...." "Okay" etc.
3) Why are you insecure?
4) You don't trust me (DARVO)
5) We are only friends.
6) You're making this such a big deal. (Minimization)
7) You're crazy.
8) You're paranoid.
9) It's not what it looks like.
10) It didn't mean anything.
11) Blaming the BS.
12) Other excuses like, "I don't know how it happened".
13) It was one mistake.
14) I never meant to hurt you.
15) I'm going to change.

And this was gut wrenching. To live with a seasoned liar, who lies like he breathes. Somebody who pretend "nothing' happened so you stay in a sham of a marriage - not because he want the best for you, but because he is good at duping you. Somebody who doesn't want to be faithful but expects you to stay married. Somebody who puts all the onus on staying together on the one who had no part in the affair.

It was horrrible to find out my ex husband was that type of person.

"We only had sex once and I didn’t enjoy it."

SMH

Is it possible we have the same WS?

"It is your fault" said him

Then there are the things people I call the the co-abusers say...

Prime example:

"You have to take responsibility for what you did to cause this" said the MC I should have walked a
out on immedietely and never gone back.

The last statement is like asking a physical abuse victim to take responsibility for being hit. That's a hard "no" for me now.

I didn’t get any of those. He confessed only because his ap forced him into it.

I did get other garbage though. Lots of garbage

out of those I only got the "it doesn’t mean anything" basically it’s just sex.

He also said how he can separate out these two lives…so he could be with her and it just be sex, then come home to be who he loved

"its not what it looks like"
"we just kissed"

"We just kissed"

"It meant nothing"

"The sex was pathetic". Told AP’s the same about me.

"You pushed me away" funny I was trying to establish a connection while she was buried in her phone.

"You can trust me now"

"I wasn’t hiding anything, because you found it"

** I don't remember** (this one applies to nearly every question that I ask him and it makes me want to bang my head against the wall)

*I didn't make a relationship with any of them, so I didn't think it would matter* Really???

*I didn't think you would ever find out

* I never stopped to think about the consequences

* I didn't think it would affect you like this

*I knew I loved you and never wanted to lose you

*You're the only one for me--I never think about them

*We only had sex 1 time

*I didn't enjoy it because it was so fast and I was too nervous

* I didn't tell you the truth because I didn't want to hurt you

*I trying but its never going to be enough for you (he's really not trying very hard and there's so much more he could be doing)

*Ive told you everything there is to tell you (that's what he said after every D day and there have been at least 15 separate 'd days' with new information dripping out as slowly and painfully as molasses)

*Why can't we just move on? We could have a good future together if you could just get passed this.

~ Picture me rolling my eyes as I typed each one of these statements ~

He was a serial cheater for most of our marriage and did who knows what with whom--I only have his word to take for it and his word cannot be trusted.

"I didn’t enjoy it. It wasn’t like the love making we have. I was so nervous and disgusted with myself, I couldn’t enjoy it. It was just shallow, meaningless ungratifying sex that made me really appreciate what WE have"

(So I went back 15 times for more)

"It’s not what you think!"

(No, it’s actually worse. Thank God you don’t have a f-ing clue)

"It was just a terrible mistake"

(Actually, I’ve been fantasizing about this for years then put my methodical diabolical plan, consisting of literally thousands of well considered decisions followed through with very deliberate actions, into play, then reassessed and doubled down on those actions, many times)

"It was just impulsive drunken quicky sex"

(Aaand many ILYs, comparisons, shit talking you, denigrating comments of you, pillow talk about future plans and mutual dreams in between sexual marathons that cover every chapter of the Kama Sutra)

"We began growing apart…I didn’t think you cared anymore…became roommates"

(Because I’ve been slowly and progressively poisoning the well of this marriage with my porn addiction, extramarital thoughts, preoccupation with AP, fleecing, siphoning, rationing or outright deprivation of intimacy, disenfranchisement, estrangement, deterioration of devotion, distraction, resentment of you)

“You insecure SOB! I can’t believe you got into my phone! That’s just pathetic. You need to get help”

(FUCK! I’ve been totally made! I don’t have time for this. I’m not in the mood for this shit. This is gonna really suck. Weekend get-away with AP is ruined. I had the perfect gig going-fuck! That nosy little insecure bitch/bastard has ruined everything! )

“I’ve told you everything there is to tell. How many times we going to cover this?”

(I’m only going to tell you what you can prove, already know, what you want to hear. The rest of this totally depraved shit I’m taking to my absolute grave. If you knew the half of it you’d light me on fire…God, I need to get help.)

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:41 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]

It was only a kiss

I thought you didn't love me anymore

We were just roommates

I didn't get enough sex

You are overreacting to this

I don't love her

I don't want to be with her

I was being pressured to stay in the A or she would tell you

I heard several on that list. The straight up denials, the gaslighting, and "we're just friends." Other insane logic I've heard from STBX:
"90% of the time I was thinking about you"
"I didn't fall in love with anyone else"
"You had the house and cats you wanted"

Well, since my WW confessed on her own when asking for a divorce and to go move right in with AP she said none of those. Of course she had no regret, remorse, shame etc...Just an icy cold discard after nearly 30 years of marriage, right out of the blue.

THAT shit ^^^^ Troutman, is absolutely mind blowing.

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers type shit. Where your "Forever-And-A-Day" turns into a pod person trying to kill you.

However, at least, that’s the cleanest most humane break infidelity affords. One moment you’re happily married, the next…is totally up to you.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:38 AM, Thursday, August 25th]