SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I guess it's my turn to contribute my novel to the club dossier, as this is my first post. Together 10 years, married 8, no kids.

It's been 29 hours since she told me she met with him for a week earlier in the month and she initiated and kiss and make out session with him, while lying that she was with her old highschool friend. I was so enthusiastic when she asked if I minded if she visited her friend after work or when I was at work, and I was so happy they were catching up. "Yeah, you should! Friends are great!"

She feels horrible and I genuinely see that in her, and I'm willing to reconcile and give her a chance to make it up to me. We both were on the path to rekindling -- me addressing my childhood traumas and learning to love/be loved, she learning better to communicate her needs to me -- and it's horrible that this event had to happen to make us take it seriously and TRULY open up to each other.

I asked her to be 100% truthful when I ask hurtful (to both of us) questions to clarify and process the A, and she has been SO good with that. She's a genuine, caring person that just made a devastating choice, and I still love her.

The future with her looks so amazing, and we're willing to work together.

But it's hard. SO HARD. My emotions when I'm alone are dread and despair and anxiety, but with her by my side to cry and laugh with me though the pain, I feel so safe and secure. It's the time between, when she's gone at work or music rehearsals, that I am so afraid of my mind going haywire without grounding support.

I know that's not realistic, and I can't cling to her all day, every day -- especially as I need to grow as an individual and regain my own life back, away from being so dependent on her. It's not realistic, and I'm so scared I can't approach this healthily without smothering her with my needs right now.

So my question, I guess, is whether this is common and if I can get through this whiplash-y time of emotions.
My support network is miniscule, and I'm torn to pieces when I'm alone, or trying to sleep like on the first night.

I just want her to come home now and not leave me to wallow in despair. Will this get better?

I’m sorry for you. This is so painful and heartbreaking.

Yes it does get better. However it takes time. You cannot rush through the healing process and it’s going to be over in 99 days. Sorry — that is not how this works.

The anxiety you have is normal. You want her with you do you know she’s not cheating. Very typical response to an affair and betrayal by the way.

Counseling for you may be worthwhile. Someone to support you and help you heal. Please consider it. My guy saved my sanity during my H’s affair.

Keep posting here. We will support you.

There are some good books and podcasts that can help you too.

There’s a very high probability my friend that it went well past kissing. The vast majority of cheaters lie and minimize snd trickle truth. There is a very high likelihood that they had sex, and I mean extremely likely.

My recommendation is to take a step back, ask her to write a timeline of her A, and tell her that you desire for her to take a polygraph to confirm she’s telling you the truth. She should jump at the chance to do this to prove she’s being honest. If she gets defensive and/or refuses to do this then you pretty much know that they had sex.

Please do not fall into the trap of I know her, I trust her, she’s not a lier, I could never hook her up to a poly. You don’t know her, you can’t trust her, she lied snd told you she was seeing a friend, got consumed with guilt snd admitted to cheating, and is now not disclosing the complete truth about her A, that sex was involved.

Your WW has now entered the realm of being a cheater. Im extremely sorry. The wife who you thought you knew 29 hours earlier is no longer that person. Please understand this. She cheated and is lying as we speak there is no doubt. Timeline snd poly are a must!

Sorry you are here. Seek individual therapy for yourself. Take care of your health... exercise, engage your hobbies, sleep well, eat well. She should be focusing on you and you should be focusing on you too. Read the book Not J ust Friends by Shirley Glass and have her read it too.

How did you discover the A? You wrote she was with him for a week, what does that mean? Seeing him for the whole week? Or multiple times across a full week?

If she saw him for a week then it is very likely you do not have the full story. And yes, that means that kissing was only the tip of the iceberg. Have you investigated her phone calls, texts, apps, email? Has she written you a detailed timeline?

Will this get better?

Yes Sir it will . Right now though...your feelings are quite normal. You may not be able to sleep through the night for months. The A will be the 1st thing you think about when you wake up...and the last thing on your mind when you go to bed. Then one day...it won't be . Just keep moving FORWARD...even if it is baby steps on some days. NONE of us can change the past...but it doesn't have to DEFINE us. That choice is totally up to US .

I read your profile...and it looks like your wife was having an EA for months before meeting up with the adultery co-conspirator. Everyone is different...but most of the cheaters have a pattern...and you may see people on here writing about the "Cheaters Handbook". They write this because almost ALL affairs run the same course...including the LIES the cheaters tell right after disclosure. My H confessed to his A two days after returning home from working overseas...where he met and fucked the adultery co-conspirator. I asked him the same thing...to be completely HONEST...because I needed to KNOW everything. As it turned out...he wasn't . The lie he told was a STUPID one too...but he didn't know how I would react...didn't want to hurt me anymore than he already had...blah blah blah. There are MANY Betrayeds on here whose Wayward has told them they know everything...but something just isn't adding up. They go for a polygraph...with the Wayward gung ho on it...only to have the "parking lot confession" right before they go into the place to take the polygraph .

Women who have affairs...TYPICALLY...they get their emotional feelings first...then go on to make it physical. This pattern seems to be consistent with what happened with your wife. She MAY BE someone who can get all the RUSH from this "new relationship energy"...meet up in a hotel room with the object of this RUSH...and only make out. But this is VERY unlikely..and it pains me to write this . I have been on this site for 8 years now...and I don't know if I have ever seen someone who went to all of that secrecy to meet...and just made out .

Please don't be discouraged...MOST of the Waywards DO come forward with everything eventually...especially the ones who really want to HELP their Betrayed Spouse to HEAL . Your wife might just be someone who felt the WEIGHT of what was really about to happen...and she maybe stopped at making out. YOU KNOW HER BEST . Whatever happens...just KNOW that we have all been through this...and we truly just want to HELP . Take the advice that you NEED...and leave the rest. We'll be here for you .

Rouletiquette....Here is what I do to take a break from my emotions. I’ve downloaded a meditation app to my phone and use it to fall asleep to, or do a breathing exercise during the day. Also I use senseless matching games on my phone, it gives me something else to focus on.

Finally I watch tv shows on YouTube, staying away from anything that deals with cheating. Try taking up calligraphy, which you can find tutorials on, you do the same basic strokes over and over and it is meditative. I’ve also done acrylic abstract painting, watercolors, and vintage sewing machine repair. Tapping (instructions can be found on you tube) helped in the beginning, but I haven’t felt the need to do that in years.

Getting out of the house can help, even if it’s just walking around the block.

It will get better over time, but it takes time. I don’t think it is something you can rush.

Are you talking to an IC? They might have some ideas for you to try.

The worst for me is when I’m driving to or from work. The thoughts of what happened constantly pound me into submission. I only sleep on average about 3 hours/night. It’s been 19 months and for me things have stalled out. I’ve been going to therapy but it’s not a lot of help. She just doesn’t have the ability to be supportive of what I’m dealing with. She just wants it to go away. I have the "NEED" to know that moving forward she can be faithful and I won’t get destroyed again. Not sure how that happens but it’s what I need. When I’m with her it’s heavenly bliss, but when I’m alone the thoughts absolutely destroy me.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 7:00 PM, Friday, October 28th]