SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I felt I had to make a post about this. I am also going through infidelity but my best friend just had her dday with her H 2 weeks ago. I need advice to give her because I do not know what I would do in her situation.
On dday, when my BF and her H finally sat down to talk after the shock, she asked him why he was cheating. He first said he didn't think she loved him anymore and also said he thought she was cheating. She said she was shocked to hear that and asked how in the world did he come to that conclusion considering this is the first she's hearing of this from him. That's when he told her something that I don't think I would ever come back from.
Her H told her that the last few times they had sex before dday, HER VAGINA FELT LOOSER THAN NORMAL.
When she told me this, I cried for her. She was crushed.
Now, 2 weeks later, he's saying the complete opposite. He's saying her vagina feels amazing and that he was over thinking things at the time. So she asks him, " so you don't think it feels loose"? And he literally says, " at the time it did feel looser than normal and I thought it wa because you were cheating on me.
So basically, he says it did feel loose at the time but it doesn't feel like that now. How in the world can you be with someone for years and not know how their vahina feels?
I told her I think he was using that as an excuse to justify himself and she agrees but now her self esteem is crushed even worse than when dday happened.
He keeps reassuring her that sex feels great and she has nothing to worry about but the damage is done and she will never forget this. It will affect their sex life forever I feel.
My situation is bad also but I cant imagine being told this from my H.
What advice can I give my friend?

Tell her about SI and be sure she doesn't let her husband know about this site.

What he said was extremely cruel, and I agree he had to come up with some type of justification for his affair....he's full of sh*t.

Sounds like a thoughtless and asinine rationalization for his behavior. Your friend should tell him that maybe his penis is getting smaller.

Tell her to consider the source: a liar and a cheater. He was caught and in desperation grasped at this ridiculous excuse. Now he is trying to walk it back or clarify because he sees that it was intensely hurtful AND untrue!

JFC. I hope she tells him that his dick shrank. Tell her to tell him every skank he screws takes off half an inch. So he can only screw maybe one or two more before it becomes an innie.

Tell her to tell him that his erections are like an over ripe brown mushy banana. Maybe she should offer to get him some popsicle sticks to tape to the outside of his penis. It might help.

So not only is she married to some weird incel who theorizes that you can tell things about a woman’s sexual history by her vagina, but he’s cheating, too?

He’s prolly just used to women being dry when they have sex with him. That’s what makes a vagina feel tighter. When it’s dry and unaroused by his lack of skill.

She should tell him that. Mic. Drop. And it’s true. Gyn doc here.

Poor lady. She needs to find her anger. It will help the pain.

Stories like this make me want to share revenge fantasies. And maybe some real revenge stories.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 4:11 AM, Sunday, June 25th]

So, anatomically, yeah, I’m pretty sure a woman’s vagina can feel differently sometimes as opposed to other times based on various factors—where she is in her monthly cycle, how wet or not she is during sex, different sexual positions, and so forth.

But, dude, you don’t SAY that to her in a negative or critical way. I mean, freaking DUH.

It would certainly affect my sex life—my life in general!—with him were I in her shoes. He really isn’t the brightest, apparently, is he?

What advice can I give my friend?

Divorce this man.
Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Divorce him straightaway.
Also, it’s his penis that’s getting smaller, nothing to do with her vag, it’s HIM.
What a cruel, insensitive A-hole. Time to kick him to the curb.

Gently, after d-day even a compliment can sound like an attack. 'You look terrific today' is heard by many (most? all?) of us as 'Not good enough to keep you from cheating' or 'Are they just saying this?'

One of the good uses of an IC is to find guidance for nurturing oneself instead of letting the attacks hit home.

So ... the guy looks like an idiot, and that one statement certainly could be the tipping point for D, but your friend needs help with rebuilding her self esteem more than she needs help making the D/R decision right now.

JMO, of course.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:51 PM, Sunday, June 25th]

This guy has a PhD in blameshifting. He had an A because he thought she didn't love him and she was cheating. And he knew this because her vagina felt loose.

Forget self esteem. She needs a healthy dose of anger. How dare he blame is horrible behavior on her and be cruel about it.

Now her vagina feels amazing? What a disrespectful ass.

Tell her to get tested for stds and stop giving him access to her vagina.

Vagina felt loose?
What a load of bull…
Maybe the stress of two-timing her made him have less to fill it out with…

I am speechless. That is inane and mean and plain stupid.

He obliviously has put zero effort into understand the female body.

My H accused me of cheating too - because I was going to the gym and losing a bunch of weight b/c I could feel him pulling away and being up attracted to me and I was tired of feeling unattractive. It made no sense at all.

I think they say these things as desperate attempts to justify the unjustifiable.

I agree that she should get IC to help her repair that, and even a convo with her OB/GYN to put her mind at ease that she is perfectly fine and normal and he is just a grade A ass.

And she should consider if this is the depth of his character… I mean, he sounds like he’s from the shallowest end of the pool.

Send her to SI if she will join us. And I’m glad you are there for her.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 7:38 PM, Sunday, June 25th]

I hope your friend told her H, her vagina isn’t loose but his character is.

I can usually find something to say on a thread even when the person’s experience or perspective is very different than mine. But this? I got nothing. I mean, I can think of some choice words to call this idiot, but that’s about all.

That's some next level projection, and egregious and insensitive stupidity. Everything - all of it - was in his head. And if it DID feel bigger, it might be because she felt more aroused than usual. Way to never get THAT from her again, dipshit.

And I'm with you - it'd be really hard for me to get over that. I'd have to do a lot of work on not taking things personally. I truly believe this had to be all about projection.

Well I would be worried for her. Her husbands IQ can’t get much lower.

She better get tested for STDs and stop sleeping with him. She needs to protect her health.

Send her here asap. He is still cheating.

She needs to do all of the above.
What a pig.
Along w/ STD testing, she needs to see an attorney.

Let her know that there is no truth in anything he said, a quick google search will tell you that what he said is untrue. Idiot.

Imagine a cheating wife,telling her husband she cheated because his dick was little, and she wasn't being satisfied.

That is the equivalent of what he told her.

She doesn't need to work on her self esteem. She needs to get rid of her abusive husband.

It's amazing how much better a woman feels,when she drops 200 pounds of ass.

What an asshole! What an extremely cruel thing to hand to a woman who you have just devastated.

I totally get how hurt she is. I totally get the anger and devastation she must feel. And I totally get the anger of all of the responses.

However, on a more global scale, bodies are not always perfect. And I get really offended when comments are made regarding weight gain/weight loss, size of breasts, length/girth of a penis, tightness/looseness of a vagina.

What the hell? Is this man in junior high school?

I know I am a bit of a prude sexually speaking. But my take away from what this asshole said to his crushed and hurting wife was not whether or not it was a true statement.

My take away was this… This is a person whom you have chosen to spend your life with. And your sexual relationship with her is one very important part of that life. But it is not the only important part of that life. Hell, my husband broke his neck, years and years before we met. And he is paralyzed from the armpits down. So, not "perfect" in sexual functioning. But I so totally have never given a rats ass. I loved him. We found a way!!! We made a life together. And we took each other as we were. until his big mistake anyway.

I agree that she should let this asshole go. But not because he said a mean thing to her. But because something of that nature could possibly be more important to him than his wife.

JMHO.

He's a nasty bully who enjoys kicking her because she's down. There is really no coming back from this. No love, just being cruel because he can. She needs to have minimal contact with this guy, he's not going to stop.

I call BS on her WH. For two reasons.

1. As a male I can tell you that a man can’t feel a loose or a tight vagina. The penis can only feel two, maybe 3 sensations. Wetness, warmth, and possibly friction. The friction comes from the angle of penetration. So her BH is full of it if he says he can feel it.

2. If your BF was having an A, why would her AP cause her to be looser than having sex with her husband! BS.

I’m sure she’s devastated right now and needs your support. As others have said, send her to SI. We can support her as well.

Tell her it is NEVER, NEVER, NEVER the BS fault. It is always the WS’s fault.

[This message edited by Skyking at 7:01 AM, Tuesday, June 27th]