SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (M38) have been married for 13 years, together 17, with two sons (9 and 11). Until a couple of months ago, I thought our marriage—while imperfect—was solid. Then I found out my wife (F38) had developed a deep emotional connection with a coworker (M53, married, recently demoted at work, lives in another state).

They both work remotely. They travel together for work, text/call, and have shared flight details. She’s admitted attraction, but frames it as "emotional, not sexual." She says being with him makes her feel alive, seen, and cared for. She told me she doesn’t think she can resist seeing him during upcoming trips.

Since disclosure, we’ve started couples therapy and individual therapy. I’ve set a boundary that I’m not okay with her having personal contact with him, but she keeps saying she needs to "figure it out on her own." She says she isn’t ready to cut it off permanently, maybe just limit contact "while we’re in this process."

Where we stand now:

She says she isn’t emotionally connected to me right now.

She doesn’t want to lose our family or life together, but also doesn’t want to live without "passion."

She’s asked for space and time to sort through her feelings.

I’m struggling with severe anxiety, trying to cope, in therapy and working on myself.

I’m stuck in limbo—desperately wanting to save our marriage, but feeling disrespected and invisible while she keeps this tie to him. She admits she’s comparing me to him, even though she knows it’s unfair.

Why I’m Here:
I don’t know how to handle this waiting game. I feel like my life is on hold while she decides whether I’m "enough." I want to be the best father to my boys, and I want to fight for my marriage, but I don’t know how to protect myself emotionally in the meantime.

How do others survive this stage? How do I give her "space" without feeling like I’m being slowly erased?

Find the affair partners wife and notify her. In the majority of cases that will be the end it fast.

I am going straight to your right to the answer of NO when she says she is going to continue seeing him. Right now you don’t have a marriage. Once someone transfers their loyalty to a third party they have nullified their primary relationship.

You are hoping she will see the light. Please be honest with yourself. You are asking her to consider your feelings. She had said she will not. He is now more important to her than you.

You need to see an attorney immediately. You need to see a doctor if you are having anxiety, trouble sleeping, trouble eating. You need to look after your health.

Sorry you’re here.

This is not going to end well. It’s never going to be the way it was.

It might not be sexual for her, but it probably is for him, and if it hasn’t happened yet, it will. Even if that’s not what she’s really after, she’ll give him what he wants to maintain the relationship. (The old saw: men will provide a relationship to get sex; women will provide sex to get a relationship.)

See a lawyer.

Don’t sleep with her until she gets tested for STDs. She’s probably not his only side piece. She’s being stupid; no reason for you to be.

See if you can get in touch with his wife and let her know what’s going on.

Best wishes.

Your wife has chosen to continue the affair rather than save her marriage. Anything she does to supposedly work on the marriage will not work as long as the affair continues. He is new and exciting so whatever you do won’t be good enough and whatever he does will be amazing in her eyes. If she truly wants to save the marriage she needs to cut him off and change jobs so she doesn’t need to see him. If they travel together it’s also a safe bet that while she won’t admit it to you right now, it likely has already been physical. You should see a lawyer and let her know you are doing that and start separating yourself from her. Do not go to marriage counseling, it will fail miserably since she is still in the affair, she needs to choose the marriage before that could have any chance of working. There is no point talking about reconciliation until she takes the initiative to end the affair and starts to do the work to rebuild your trust if that’s possible. Before that happens you need to take care of yourself. Focus on yourself, stop talking to her, stop spending time with her, stop providing her any support. It will do you no good while she continues the affair. She has chosen him over you and so the consequence is she no longer has access to you. Keeping you in limbo is not fair to you. As a married woman she doesn’t have the right to try out a new relationship while you sit at home with the kids so she can decide whether she wants him or you. She either recommits now to marriage and tries to make it work or she chooses him (which at this point she has) and you have her served divorce papers.

[This message edited by Rfv3311 at 6:55 PM, Tuesday, September 16th]

Agree with Cooley. See an attorney, protect you and your children.

Drop the marriage counseling. You can't fight for your marriage, your wife has checked out. She wants time, give her 24 hours to decide. She told you how she feels, believe her.

Contact the APs wife, she deserves to know.

There is a good chance this is more than emotional, get STD testing.

Reconciliation is extremely difficult even when both are all in. Get the book, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", read it and give it to her. It's a guide IF YOU decide to try reconciliation.

Know,

Sorry you had need to find this place. Check out the healing library here. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180. If you’re doing any form of the pick me dance, stop immediately. You can’t nice her back into the marriage, she sees this as permission to have her husband, family and her boyfriend. As long as having you and her affair partner is an option she will continue to choose it.

They travel together for work, text/call, and have shared flight details.

If she continues in her affair she should return from her next trip to her things being moved to a spare room.

If you haven’t already, find AP’s betrayed wife and inform her immediately. 9 times out of 10 they’re interested in nsa sex, not losing half their shit and going 50/50 with the kids. Being thrown under the bus can be an educational moment for a wayward.

As long as she is in this affair I think this is the perfect situation for you to implement the 180. You will find it in The Healing Library under Frequently Asked Questions. It is under BS FAQ, Question #11.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/

The purpose of the 180 is not to punish her, nor to manipulate her in returning to you. The purpose is for you to gain some space (head space) from her so that you can start thinking clearly about your situation.

When using the 180 you are not mean nor abrasive. You remain cordial and cheerful. I have used this analogy in the past. Suppose a stranger comes up to you on the street. They are looking confused and approach you asking for directions. You would not be rude... instead you would probably smile and in an impartial manner give them the directions they asked for. Then you would probably tell them to have a good day.

The 180 has 33 points.

Point 12 is "Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent".

Point 17 is "Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing".

Point 19 is "All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!".

Point 20 is "Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!".

Right now I get the impression you might be doing the "Pick Me Dance" by going to couples therapy while she is still having an affair. We all have done it in one form or fashion. Most veterans will tell you that it never works.

I hope it goes well for you and wish you good luck.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 6:57 PM, Tuesday, September 16th]

"Deep emotional connection" "can't resist seeing him".

Look, my wife had an EA, not unlike what your a describing here. It took the typical 3-5 year healing time for us to R. Your wife is not making the marriage a priority, she is making her affair the priority.

Fun fact "figure it out" and "having space" is just cheater for "picking both until I'm not allowed to pick both anymore".

The neat part about cheating is that you almost certainly have it framed wrong in your head. Even your wife is basically deluding her self that there is some sort of "decision" to make. There isn't. She will choose both. You, her committed husband, and him her exciting lover.

As to whether or not you are *actually* emotionally disconnected, I can't speak to. That is maybe an environmental factor that she is using to give herself permission to cheat, or it could be a complete fabrication she is using to give herself permission to cheat. Either way, the decision to cheat is something she owns.

Since your wife is already cheating on you and dating another man, you have to decide if you are willing to live with that or not.

I'm sure another famous member will be here soon to give you the long version, but the short version is "You can figure out whatever you need to figure out, but not as my wife. I will not share you with another man."

Sorry you are going through this.

One more time in short:

Why I’m Here:
I don’t know how to handle this waiting game. I feel like my life is on hold while she decides whether I’m "enough." I want to be the best father to my boys, and I want to fight for my marriage, but I don’t know how to protect myself emotionally in the meantime.

How do others survive this stage? How do I give her "space" without feeling like I’m being slowly erased?

She isn't going to decide, she will choose both. You have to make the move to get out from infidelity. The cheating will only get worse with time.

Agree with others here. You need to tell the "other betrayed spouse" about his affair with your wife.

Your wife’s emotional affair with her coworker is a serious betrayal, and her refusal to fully end contact shows she’s prioritizing her feelings for him over your marriage. She’s admitted to an attraction and a "deep emotional connection," which, despite her claim of it being non-sexual, is likely physical or heading there, especially given their shared work travel. Her request for "space" and to "figure it out" is a common tactic to keep both you and her affair partner, leaving you in painful limbo.
The "pick me dance"—trying to win her back through couples therapy or niceness—won’t work while she’s still engaged in the affair. It signals to her that she can have both you and him without consequences. Instead, you need to protect yourself emotionally by implementing the 180 (SurvivingInfidelity.com Healing Library, BS FAQ #11). This means being cordial but detached, focusing on your own strength and independence, and avoiding marriage discussions until she fully commits to ending the affair.
Notifying the coworker’s spouse is a critical step. Gather any evidence (texts, call logs, travel details) and share it with her calmly and factually. In most cases, this disrupts the affair, as the coworker likely values his own marriage and stability over a side relationship. Avoid warning him directly, as it could allow him to cover his tracks or manipulate the situation.
Consult a lawyer immediately to understand your rights regarding asset division, spousal support, and child custody. Knowledge is power, and being prepared will help you feel less helpless, regardless of whether you pursue divorce. Additionally, get tested for STDs, as the affair may already be physical, even if she denies it. Protect your health and your children’s stability above all else.
Couples therapy is ineffective while she’s still in contact with her affair partner. It’s like trying to fix a sinking ship without plugging the hole. She needs to cut all non-work contact with him and, ideally, change jobs to avoid future interactions. If she’s unwilling to do this, she’s choosing the affair over your marriage, and you need to act accordingly to preserve your dignity.
Focus on yourself and your boys. Engage in individual therapy to manage your anxiety and build resilience. Stop chasing her or begging for her to choose you—it only deepens your pain and gives her more power. Instead, set a firm boundary: she ends the affair completely, or she faces consequences, such as separation or divorce proceedings. This isn’t about punishment but about valuing yourself.
Confront her calmly and directly: "I know about your affair. You can figure out your feelings, but not as my wife. I won’t share you. End all contact with him, or we’re done." Her response will show her priorities. If she continues the affair, prioritize your emotional and legal protection. You deserve a partner who chooses you unequivocally.
TLDR Action Plan:
•Implement the 180 to detach emotionally and gain clarity.
•Gather evidence and inform the coworker’s spouse.
•Consult a lawyer to understand divorce, custody, and asset options.
•Get STD tested.
•Stop couples therapy until she ends the affair.
•Confront her: "End the affair or we’re done."
•Focus on yourself and your kids, not on saving her.

Right now your wife is in complete control of the situation and has chosen to continue her affair even though she knows how much it hurts you. She doesn’t care because she doesn’t think you will leave so she thinks she can have you at home to take care of the kids, pay the bills and be her friend and have her boyfriend too. To have any chance of getting her back you need to show her that you are willing to leave and divorce her over this ongoing betrayal. You need to do the 180, take care of your self and the kids and show her that you are moving on without her.

What she is doing by continuing her affair while still living with you goes beyond betrayal to complete disrespect for you, your children and obviously your marriage but she doesn’t care cause she thinks she can away with it.

[This message edited by Rfv3311 at 9:38 PM, Tuesday, September 16th]