Firstly I want to state that this topic may well have been well trodden territory for this forum, that being said I can't really find good chains discussing this at length, if you feel this is just dragging up discussions that have already been put to bed, feel free to link me to those threads.
I've spent the past year or so trying to understand infidelity and, more specifically, reconciliation. It's a topic that fascinates me precisely because it's so contrary to my own nature. I've struggled to grasp how someone could live with the reality of a cheating partner and, for a long time, my main question was simple: why do some people reconcile while others slam the door shut? I've come to understand that factors like character, circumstances, and genuine remorse all play a part, and I feel I have a solid grasp on those ideas. I feel I am coming to the end of journey on this topic. What happened to me happen a long time ago. I'm almost ready to put this all to bed.
But one question continued to elude me, one I’ve tiptoed around in previous posts for fear of causing offense. My central question is this: Why do large parts of society hate those who reconcile?
This is a recurring theme I've seen both in my personal life and even more prevalently online. The disgust toward those who reconcile is so strong that it often leads to victim-shaming.
I remember a real-life example from my own friend group. A friend was in a toxic relationship, and when her boyfriend cheated, the outpouring of support was incredible. We were her impromptu therapists, letting her cry on our shoulders. Then, she took him back. I vividly remember her friends warning her against it with the classic "once a cheater, always a cheater" line. Many of them lost a degree of respect for her.
When he cheated a second time, the reaction was far more negative. While no one was cruel, the general attitude was, "Well, what did you expect?" People had been genuinely angry with her for even considering taking him back the first time, and this time, there was an outright shouting down of any further attempts at reconciliation.
Why is this such a common reaction? Isn't it possible that she could have fixed the relationship and gone on to live happily ever after? Or, on the flip side, isn't it also possible that if she had dumped him, her next partner could have been the one to cheat on her? So, is this societal reaction wholly rational? I suppose the answer is both yes and no. It’s rational because her partner demonstrated a clear capacity to cheat, which surely trumps any theoretical chance of a future partner cheating. But it's irrational because we simply can’t know the future.
I believe the societal hatred for reconciliation is a complex blend of psychological biases and a deep-seated need for justice. My personal theory is that a lot of it comes from the fundamental attribution error, which is a psychological bias that makes us attribute a person’s behavior to their character rather than to the situation. It’s easier for people to believe that a cheating partner is fundamentally a bad person rather than someone who made a mistake. When the betrayed person stays, it disrupts this simple narrative. Society’s message is that your partner's actions are part of who they are, and by staying, you are accepting a flawed person.
The laws of averages also seem to play a role. The anger stems from a protective impulse, a desire to "wake up" the betrayed party so they don't experience this pain again. While we may consciously understand that one-time lapses in judgment can happen, statistics seem to show that those who cheat are likely to cheat again. The anger and shaming are a desperate attempt to prevent the betrayed person from becoming another negative statistic.
There's also a powerful desire for justice at play. Infidelity is often seen as a moral crime, and society expects the "bad guy" (the cheater) to be punished by losing the relationship. When reconciliation happens, it's viewed as the cheater "getting away with it," which a just-minded public cannot stand. This is why the anger scales with the "crime." A one-night stand might be seen as a lapse in judgment, but a multi-year affair is seen as a calculated betrayal. The greater the crime, the more severe the expected punishment, and the more a reconciling person is shamed for failing to deliver it.
This also ties into the just-world hypothesis, which is the belief that people get what they deserve. When a betrayed person reconciles, it breaks this worldview. To reconcile this cognitive dissonance, it’s easier for an observer to blame the victim for their choice to stay, framing them as "weak" or "foolish." This provides a sense of psychological safety—a feeling that "this wouldn't happen to me because I would never be so stupid."
I've personally tried to work on my own reactions. No matter how much I try to understand reconciliation and acknowledge that it can lead to the best possible life for the individuals in question my initial, fleeting thoughts are still "get some self-respect" or "you deserve better." It's a bit like what some people describe as unconscious racism, where a person might clutch their bag more tightly when passing a person of a different race and then feel shame for it. It's not a perfect analogy, but it highlights how deeply ingrained these societal scripts are.
There's a gendered element as well. While I think it cuts both ways, I do feel men are viewed more harshly for considering reconciliation. My fiancée, for example, is very anti-cheating, and when a TV show, movie, or celebrity gossip involves a woman taking back a cheating spouse, her response is often, "What an idiot, she deserves it next time." While I know she doesn't actively mean that, it shows that this view isn’t exclusive to one gender.
I suppose my goal in posing these questions is to better understand these societal views and, hopefully, to help reduce my own knee-jerk disgust for people who are just trying to build a happy life. I believe this disgust is what continues to pull me into reading these threads. It evokes a strong response from me and that response is in a way, addictive. If I can understand that. Perhaps I can let go.
[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:46 AM, Thursday, September 18th]
