SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Apologies to the non-Tolkien fans, but one of the more profound aspects of Frodo in LOTR is that he is wounded in a way that persists long beyond the physical impact. He is physically wounded by a supernatural stab wound from the Witch King and also from Shelob's stinger and those are still felt years later; however, he has PTSD from his time carrying the one ring and the trauma eventually necessitates him having to leave his home to live in the middle-earth equivalent of heaven (Valinor) to feel any relief. Might be because I am in the middle of writing an emotional restitution letter in response to my wife's emotional impact letter, but wondering if the PTSD from infidelity is similar. I am encouraged by the stories of successful reconciliation, but certainly the memories and trauma are still present for the betrayed for the entire lives. Is the best case that the BS learns to live with the pain with the frequency and memory of it gradually fading with time? The knowledge that I caused a wound so deep that it will never fully heal makes me physically ill and weighs on me constantly right now.

I know not everyone is religious and I have issues with organized religion, but I do believe in Christ and have faith that everyone can be made whole in the afterlife due to His sacrifice. I often cling to that belief as it gives me hope that at least in the afterlife I can find relief from the pain and trauma my actions have caused me, but am realizing that it may take until the afterlife before my wife will ever fully heal from this wound. Wondering if this resonates with other WS and BS.

I recognized the reference from your thread title immediately. I've read LOTR at least a dozen times, along with the rest of his writings (and his son's).

Yes, PTSD is common enough for betrayed spouses. Therapy will help. Time and some work on healing are the best remedies.

I'm over 10 years out from d-day and I am as healed as I can possibly be. Memories fade. Although we divorced, for lots of other issues besides infidelity, we're still good friends and i still love her (not enough to want to live with her, but that's another story).

I don't think the average betrayed spouse endures anything even close to what Dear Mr. Frodo experienced.

Your wife will heal. There will come a time when she doesn't think about it, doesn't feel it, and a daily smile will return to her face and eyes.

For most betrayed spouses the affair was bad enough. It's all of the lying, blame-shifting, minimizing, gas-lighting, and the rest which often follows that does the greatest damage. With none of that happening in your situation you're way ahead of the curve.

One of my favorite poems is by a preacher named Max Ehrmann. "Desiderata" I read it several times a year. In fact, I think it's time I start another thread in the General forum (yes, I've done it before).

I think sometimes our shame makes this process more torturous.

I am not trying to minimize your wife’s pain, and I know that you have had some recently hard things that you all have been working on in therapy. And when that harder work is being done it’s definitely rough on both people.

However, the reason I started this post the way I did is because you need to be reminded you are seeing it all through a lens of shame and that can distort the situation even more. You are self flagellating at the same time so I am sure this feels excruciating.

I will just suggest you assess if you are going to need medication to be able to get through this leg of the journey. The hopelessness you express is normal, but it’s also a sign of depression.

I agree with unhinged, healing will happen and you are doing exactly what you can and should do. I am worried that your fragility in the situation is something you can rebound from without some help. Take good care of you too.

When the wound is treated right, it heals. Many here were betrayed and are now happily reconciled. It is entirely possible.

Remember that when you are in pain it is hard to remember times when you were happy, or to believe that you will ever be happy again. The hobbits made it back to the Shire.