SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It appears to me that someone on this site recognized who I am and more importantly who my wife is. How I came to this belief is that in one of my threads this person mentioned my wife by name!

I will be honest; it shook me to my core because anonymity is one of the bedrock principles of a site like this and to lose it puts before a person a troubling but familiar questions. Do I stay or do I go? Do I accept and reconcile the fact that I am no longer unknown or do I reject and divorce myself from a site that I have grown to love and trust?

It was suggested that maybe this was simply a strange coincidence or an odd typo or something along those lines. Before I concluded that the smart thing for me to do was to bail that I would ask, in a follow up question on the same thread, as to how it was that they came to using my wife’s name? I received no response.

This did not help to relieve my anxiety. I waited a few days and then I reluctantly sent my fellow betrayed a P.M. explaining that I wasn’t mad but was uncomfortable and needed to know whether it was that they recognized me or was this just an odd happenstance. Again, no response.

This lack of replies has left me in a very familiar quandary. Once again, I feel silenced for the wrongdoing of another. There is deep loneliness in a situation like this. A type of abandonment that feels like betrayal. Though that probably is unfair or an overreaction for this situation could be just an weird mistake.

A few here, have thoughtfully reached out to me, to see if I was okay and that really warms the heart. And they have kindly listened with intent to my fears and concerns. It affirms that there is support here and that I would be wise to stay and find my way through this uncomfortable situation.

But in truth, I want to shrink back into the shadows.

Asterisk

1) I'd wait. Maybe the member is aware of your concern; maybe not. People take time off SI for a number of reasons for anything that is great to something that is devastating.

2) Is one person figuring out who you are a real problem, if that person does not spread the news? And if that person DOES spread the news, it's too late.

I don't mean to minimize lost anonymity. I do mean that it's too late to protect it, and posting or not posting here seems irrelevant to me.

Maybe the person is fearful you will figure out who they are.

And that is why there is silence.

Please stay. I think we need all the support from a solid community like SI when the chips are down.

I'm fairly certain a member once figured out who I am. A comment that member made peaked my curiosity. I sent a pm and got no response. It happens.

Maybe this member will fess up. It would be polite.

I have no idea how anyone could figure out something as vague as this site’s stories are. For instance on another site a poster writes openly about her marriage, her ex and his public issues but there are thousands of those kind of stories.
Don’t panic. I put enough info on here that my family members might actually guess but it is not different enough for them to know for sure. Your story is being played out right now somewhere on this planet.

Thank you Sisoon,

For your perspective, and I don’t feel like you are "minimizing" the situation. The knowledge of the idea of "the news" being "spread" and is "too late too protect it" is discomforting. And the fact that I needlessly let myself cause this situation has me a bit frustrated. Another way of saying it is I set the trap and I sprung the trap not the smartest maneuver.

Asterisk

The1stWife,

I too have found SI to be a solid community, and I am split between "wantings". I want to stay and I want to split. Which is how I felt, though to a much lesser extent, after D-day. As I did then, I plan to hold tight, stick around, and see if I can regain my comfort. Thank you for your encouragement.

Asterisk

Unhinged,

Yes, fessing up would be the polite thing to do and I still hold out hope that they will.

Asterisk

Cooley2here,

I hear what you are saying. I agree it would be highly unlikely for someone to figure out who a person here might be. And I have tried to keep that in mind. However, this member called my wife by her 1st name. Not only that but by the abbreviation of her 1st name, which is how I, her family, and close friends refer to her. That would be a very strange coincidence. I have never used my wife’s name, her affair partner’s name, or my name, so how do I square this? How would you?

Asterisk

Asterisk,

I am going through my own journey, and I've really come to rely on several anonymous boards to help me.

I don't have any desire to be identified, and I wouldn't like to be outed publicly, as I use these boards as a way to get support (and to share bluntly and honestly what I'm going through). During my last IC, I was reminded to be careful to protect my identity. I told my IC that if she went on the forums, knowing what she does, she'd be able to identify me pretty quickly by looking at more recent activity -- but anyone that doesn't already know what I'm going through probably wouldn't -- and of the people that would care to try, they're almost certain to be supportive rather than vindictive.

I do not have any desire for distressing information to be "outed" (non-anonymously). The only person I KNOW wouldn't want me on this boards is my spouse, because she is the person the disclosures are about. She would absolutely hate it knowing that I am posting and seeking help "publicly." She is also trying to rug sweep everything, claiming it all happened so long ago -- and she "doesn't know how much more apologizing she has to do" (meaning several times over a few weeks) so there's that.

My thought process, which I'm sure you've already done:
1. Who knows her nicknames? I didn't go digging to see if that post is still out there, but someone taking (for example) Joseph and saying Joe isn't really a big jump, neither is Robert becoming "Bob" -- and those are both common names! If her name is more unique, or her nickname is really unique, then this becomes more important.

2. Who knows you're a visitor to this forum?
This forum has a unique background, and I use it when looking for saved tabs on my phone. My other forums are the same way. I don't hide my phone from my wife, and she ends up using it from time to time when her battery dies during a call. She could also look through my phone any time I set it down, though I keep it close as I have a position that requires me to be available 24/7 at times.

3. The only person who would be absolutely against me participation in these forums is actually my wife -- anyone else familiar with the situation would be supportive -- not trying to silence me! I can't imagine anyone else that knows us not finding a way to reach out "just because" to make sure we're getting the help we need.

Asterisk,

If your wife came here and read what you’ve posted, would that be the end of the world?

Or might it be a good thing?

Best wishes.

This is definitely the pot calling the kettle black, but you do post a lot (in a relatively short time) .
That’s fine – no issue whatsoever with that. But I scanned through several of your posts, and I didn’t really find anything that could allow me to deduct who you are unless I had a more direct personal connection to you. If anything then what’s noteworthy is how little of your story you actually share.

I also see that the user that posted the name registered a few years ahead of you. Sort-of eliminating the most likely scenario of someone that is involved in your situation searched online and somehow managed to piece you and your story to a scenario they were knowledgeable about.

One possibility: Is your wife using any comparable online resource? A lot of posters here are also active on other forums, and I’m wondering if someone on another forum reading this one too might have connected some dots.
--

Some years ago we had a poster with a story that got a lot of attention. He had a unique role/career that he shared in his story, mentioned a relatively localized event, another incident he had part in and made the local news and shared time he spent traveling between certain points. When I noticed these things, I could relatively easily simply with google more-or-less nail down his place of employment and could have gotten his name with a single phone-call.
Just goes to show that you really need to be careful with what you share.

There is nothing I've read in any of your posts that's revealed identifiable information and nothing about your story that is so unique that someone who came upon this site by chance would know by your posts who you are.

In my opinion, the call is coming from inside the house.

Oddly enough I found out who two different people were and we became friends. We shared our misery. I hope this person is harmless.

Have you read through this members profile and posts? You might be able to figure out who it is.

Be to perfectly honest, I don't really care who knows who I am in real life. I've reached out with several members in real life. I'm completely comfortable talking about all of this with anyone. In fact, I've done just that on more than a few occasions with people I've just met, known for a while, and people I've known my whole life.

Living an authentic life and being comfortable with vulnerability may not always be easy and can certainly back-fire on occasions. However, making those connections in life, being friendly even with strangers. is extremely rewarding. A stronger community becomes a strong us, you know?