feelingverylow (original poster member #85981) posted at 4:46 PM on Monday, January 26th, 2026
Question from my wife yesterday. We were having a pretty emotional discussion and she delivered this question with some anger. I had no idea how to respond. At some level I feel like I have done what I can to try and understand what she is experiencing, but obviously I have not been very effective at this if she is asking the question.
I get that this journey is not linear for either of us, but have been feeling like I have fucked things up so badly that although we may stay together the relationship may never be what either of us want.
I realize we are only five months past DDay and that is early days, but that question really knocked the wind out of me.
Me - WH (53) BS (52) Married 31 years
LTA 2002 - 2006 DDay 09/07/2025
Trying to reconcile and grateful for every second I have this chance
BackfromtheStorm ( member #86900) posted at 4:58 PM on Monday, January 26th, 2026
No stop sign, so if you want, we could try to give you some idea from a BS side.
What you understand of what it feels like and what you would like to understand more?
NO irony, just offering genuine help in getting insight.
You are welcome to send me a PM if you think I can help you. I respond when I can.
feelingverylow (original poster member #85981) posted at 5:02 PM on Monday, January 26th, 2026
No stop sign is intentional. Looking for both WS and BS perspective. I have spent hundreds of hours on forums, reading books, videos, therapy, etc and we have talked many times so specifically looking for why the question would come up now and in a way that was filled with anger. Feels like despite all my efforts I really am not getting it.
Me - WH (53) BS (52) Married 31 years
LTA 2002 - 2006 DDay 09/07/2025
Trying to reconcile and grateful for every second I have this chance
lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 5:25 PM on Monday, January 26th, 2026
Because this is mostly a reconciliation website which was created by a reconciling couple I am a little hesitant to recommend this book.
This book goes into great detail the emotions a betrayed person goes through and where those emotions originate. It will be difficult read for you.
The book is titled "Cheating In A Nutshell - What Cheating Does To A Victim" by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell. You can also find it on Audible Books at Amazon as well as paperback and Kindle.
Good luck to you and your BS.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:28 PM on Monday, January 26th, 2026
OTOH, when did you disclose your A? 4 months ago?
You probably don't get it yet. My reco is to ask your W what you're missing that she wishes you got. I mean that as a genuine inquiry, not as a way to put her on the spot. If she can define it, then you've got a guide to what you can do next. If she can't define it, the discussion will probably surface new tasks or a new approach you can - maybe even need to - adopt.
Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. You prepared to reveal your A and deal with the consequences, but that was really an impossible task. After all, you couldn't predict your W's responses.
*****
At 4 months out, I didn't get what the A did to me, and my guess is that the impact is still in its initial stages for your W.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:31 PM, Monday, January 26th]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
