SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a year and a half post D-day and still struggling so much some days. My husband has completely changed and become so much better which has helped so much, but I still can’t get over the betrayal. I know I will never "get over" it but I find myself spiraling a lot still. He has told me they both never wanted to leave their spouses and it was just a "fantasy." But he has also told me they did say if circumstances were different what if they were together kind of things. He says it was never real for him, but I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I wish you much peace and healing. This is very difficult and I know others will be along soon to offer their experiences and support.

Hi, many on this site claim that year 2 is worse than year 1. The shock has worn off, and the reality of the betrayal has really set in. The consensus here is it takes 2-5 years to heal, for some of us a bit longer. A nuclear bomb was dropped on your life, the fallout is long and wide.

Getting through this nightmare is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be times when you take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, you need more time to get off of this emotional roller coaster.

I was probably the queen of spiraling, triggers many times sent me into a rage, PTSD set in, and I couldn't really control my emotions. It took me YEARS to trust my WH again, and to be honest, there will never be that 100% trust.

Are you meeting with a good therapist to help you navigate the betrayal?

I am so sorry you are having a difficult time, but IMO what you are feeling is very normal.

But he has also told me they did say if circumstances were different what if they were together kind of things. He says it was never real for him, but I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I understand how you feel. it's natural to feel bad, because it sucks to feel replaced.

Is another cut inflicted with the rest that comes from the adultery.

I can offer you how that "what if" translated into reality for my woman.

She had 3 affairs, on affair 2 she was in a moment of her life where she felt she could get everything right there, right now.

So she left me for the affair partner. The better man.

I was devastated.

It lasted about 2 weeks since the moment she got what she wanted, that the spell broke.

She suddenly realizes this guy who does not even reach my neck is fat. He is kind of ugly. He is abusive and selfish. He has zero morality. He does not respect her. HE is not really that intelligent or sharp. He is not funny or charming. She really would not like her parents to know about this guy. There is no connection. He gets sex, she gets nothing (well she got SOMETHING, an STD).

She tries her best to make it work, because after all this is the love of her life right?

Couple of weeks later, she is writing back to me, telling she feels she did a horrible mistake, begging to give her another chance.

(I knew but she never admitted betrayal, we had a long distance relationship, different countries).

There you go, that is about what would have happened if your husband left you for his AP. The vast majority of times that's how it ends. Those who stay together, they end up cheating on each other. Is very rare 2 adulterers end up in a stable relationship that survives, and betrayal will be always there with them because that's how it started.

The moment the excitement for the clandestine relationship is gone, dopamine fades fast, what you are left with is a greasy, often low value person that reflects back to you how greasy, low value person you made yourself to be.

You burned your family to the ashes and sacrificed it all for this AP, and you became just like that.

And you know what?

They DESERVE to find that out.

p.S:

You feel bad because he makes you feel "less than ... OW". Well you are not. You are too much of a woman for him too, is HE who is "less than... the man who should share your bed".

Right now he is nothing, and you gave him the greatest gift a partner could ever give the other.

A second chance. That nobody deserves.

You had the balls and spirit of sacrifice to do that. That's called Love, is rare and precious.

When the best for us, the right thing to do is to keep them out of our life, hearts, even memories.

We suffer more offering this, I even got an STD from her "better man", kind like the universe telling me I fucked up in "forgiving".

You are not "less than...", not at all.

You are the prize.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:34 PM, Saturday, February 21st]

Sounds like you are doing amazingly well Chasingsunsets. I'm coming up to four years since D-day. It's a long road I'm sorry to say and has to be walked the slow way. Please don't be hard on yourself.. it's so natural to find you can't stop thinking about it. You are trying to find your footing... find what is solid and what is not. It really takes time and it's wonderful to read that your H has changed so much and that's helping. But the damage is deep and requires a lot of time and care.

I would also say I don't like the word 'just' ... 'just a fantasy'... I'm guessing the reason you are here on this forum is because it did enter reality in the form of betrayal. To read the 'just' positively I imagine it's the sort of thing a WS would say to reassure that it wasn't worse than it was. It does run the risk of minimising what has happened though.

Anyway just want to stand with you... a few years down the line from you.. and tell you that I still spiral though less often than before. Certainly at 1.5 years... it was still front and foremost in my mind a lot of the time. I'm comforted to read that the general consensus here is 2-5 years. And of course some of that will depend on how well the WS handles the reconciliation (if that's what is happening).

All the very best to you.