SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is the first time that I am posting something, and I want to say that I appreciate that this forum exists.

My WH and I have been together for more than 30 years. We met in university, and so we were very young.

He has had a recurring pattern of "changing his focus" (the way he describes it) to other women. When he senses that a woman that he is attracted to is attracted to him, he seems powerless to resist.

The most recent time was a year-and-a-half ago. He and a work colleague engaged in heavy sexting. I sensed that something was off, and that he was engaging in a relationship with this particular woman, and confronted him about it. He denied any inappropriate relationship, saying they were friendly colleagues. However, a couple of days later, I found 2 weeks of sexting chats between them. He had deleted them on his phone, but somehow they hadn't updated on his computer. All of the risqué pictures were deleted, but the chats surrounding them were quite graphic. He swears that they didn't do anything physical, and I am inclined to believe him because the chats did seem to support that. However, I can't be 100% sure. He still works with her, and this is hard for me.

10 years before that, he had another relationship with another coworker. This one did get physical, and they did sleep together. It ended badly. She wanted him to leave me, and he didn't want to. So, she sent me a bunch of pictures of them together in various places (always with her head removed from the picture), bars, restaurants, hiking, him in her bathroom (with lingerie hanging on the wall). He insisted for more than 2 years that nothing physical happened. That they were friends, and she wanted more, that she was mentally unstable and trying to break up his marriage. None of the pictures showed anything overtly sexual, although like with the lingerie, some pictures seemed to imply it. We fought badly during that time. Finally, he came clean and told me he had slept with her, and that they had had an affair for three months.

While in the immediate aftermath of his confession, he promised me "he would be the man I deserved," after a couple of months of my getting upset about it, he lost patience. He wouldn't go to counseling with me. When I got upset, he had no empathy for me. We limped along like that for 10 years until the next "change in focus" happened.

And, there were a couple that happened before those two, although they were not as serious, and there was no physical relationship.

Now, you may ask why I stayed through all of that, and I want to also say that when we get along, it's really good. We are very compatible and a really good team. We have similar views, beliefs and outlooks. Each of these events happened years apart from each other, and there were very good times in-between. We had two sons together, were living a really good life. And, we both love each other, even now.

But, I have this deep-seated resentment that pops up from time to time, and honestly I find it crippling. We have tried to work through our issues, and he has really tried too. However, when I am triggered/get upset, he typically responds defensively. He has told me that it is very hard for him to feel any empathy when he is feeling attacked, and we have terrible, terrible fights. Afterwards he can, but not when I am feeling hurt and really needing it.

And I am having a hard time. I am tired of feeling resentment. I have tried therapy, and this helps, but it doesn't stop me from going down the rabbit hole of resentment. Afterwards, I feel awful and terrible regret about getting so upset. But it seems that I can't help myself.

I would like to hear from those of you who have gone through similar things, and if you were able to get to a better place, what helped you get there. I feel crippled by these feelings, and I need to change them.

Thanks so much for your attention. It means a lot to me.

Mine also said he had a "weakness" and found it hard to resist if a woman showed a lot of interest.

In the end, I was only able to get to a better place after moving out. I know that's not what you want to hear, and there are people here in SI who have been able to successfully reconcile after infidelity, so I'm sure you'll also hear from them.

A lot depends on two things: one is how your WS (Wayward Spouse) behaves, and two is your own inclinations. You can't control the first one - his behavior will always be his responsibility, and it sounds like the bad times are pretty bad. I always say that you can't judge a person by the good times. Anyone is capable of being sweet and kind and fun at times. You have to judge them by the bad times - how bad is it, how do they feel about it (defensive versus remorseful, anger vs humility, shame vs compassion), and what have they done to repair the harm they've caused?

A person might only hit their spouse once a year and be an absolute delight the rest of the year. Is that acceptable?

The second thing - your inclinations - are your responsibility. You have to decide what's acceptable to you. Drawing boundaries and holding to them in the face of anger and emotional abuse can be very very hard, especially when you live with the person and feel attachment and love toward them. Have you explored your feelings by journaling or therapy or talking to a close friend/family member?

Thanks for your reply, it feels good to hear from someone who gets it.

I think you have a similar story to mine, from your tagline. I'm sure you have posted about it here, but if you would like to share it with me again, I would like to here it.

I have done some therapy, and am close to my brother and can speak to him about it. I am a big journaler. This all helps. The thing is, I get this feeling sometimes where I feel I was duped, where I was taken for granted, and I feel terrible anger and resentment about it. That his "changing his focus" means something bad about me. I know, intellectually, that this is wrong, that I should feel that I am the ok person here. But I feel bad, taken advantage of. In my worst moments, I feel pathetic.

He has told me repeatedly that he never wanted to split up with me or hurt me. He just wanted to have these experiences, something selfish for himself, and because he knew I wouldn't be ok with it, he hid it. I feel angry that he unilaterally opened up our relationship, but I also know I wouldn't be on board if he had told me that he wanted to.

Again, I am really grateful to have this outlet as well. Thanks for taking the time to listen and write back.