SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had an emotional affair that we are both struggling to move on from 2 years later. We both want to stay together but it's still very up and down. I have weeks where I feel okay and then others I can't stop crying. He has weeks when I think he understands the damage he did but then other times he's back to minimising and expecting me to be over it, making excuses etc.It still feels so fragile. We make steps of progress and then take steps back. Is 2 years still early days? I should add it took most of the first year to get the full truth and for him to stop lying. I know there is no set time line we should follow but I am so exhausted by this dominating my thoughts for 2 years. I want to start letting go but my brain just can't. Anyone further down the road able to reassure that peace will come?

My story is similar and 2 years since discovery. I don't really know what to say but that I'm right there with you and couldn't pass by without saying hello and sorry you're here too. My husband is still in complete denial. Also possibly PA but I don't suppose I'll ever know.

I feel trapped in so many ways but have to keep telling myself that this will pass in one way or another - nothing is permanent and will conclude somehow.

EA hurts alot because feelings are real and also has the added hurt of being perfect to them because it stays the idealised fantasy in their head.

Keep your chin up love. You're not alone and you're not losing your mind.

Every time you find out something new it resets the clock on recovery. The fact that it took a year for you to get what you think is the full truth tells me your most recent d day was probably a year ago, and that's assuming you now have the full truth. It's called trickle truth. That's the relationship killer.

The affair itself is bad enough, but the way a wayward spouse handles discovery is what usually makes or breaks a marriage. Every time you think you know everything then get blindsided with another detail it reopens the wound and makes it fresh again. When you're constantly reacting or recovering from new info, healing can't really begin.

Dismissing and minimizing is a killer too. He needs to own what he did and recognize the damage done. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. It takes on average 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity, and that's when everything "goes well." PTSD symptoms are common for betrayed spouses.

Have you or he done any counseling? Not marriage counseling, but individual counseling. You for the trauma, and him to dig into what it is that made him think an affair was a good idea. Marriage counseling might be helpful down the road, but the marriage isn't who cheated on you, that was him. It doesn't matter what's going on in a marriage, infidelity is never, ever the answer. No marriage is ever saved or fixed by bringing another person into it. You can be partly responsible for the state of your relationship, but he's 100% responsible for his choice to cheat. Just know that. Nothing you did or didn't do made him have an affair. That's all on him and he needs to own that.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here, but there's a good group of people here who know what you're going through. You'll get some good help and support, so stick around and keep posting. Ask questions or even just vent if you need to. This is the place for it. Just typing things out and getting feedback helped me a lot. Just hang in there.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:40 PM, Friday, May 29th]

Thanks for the reply.I want to move on but I will never forget the things he said to her in messages. I am pleased he has stopped lying but the truth is painful. I can enjoy good days but that doesn't mean I'm over it. I can accept his love but it makes the betrayal hurt harder. He admitted he loved/loves her but wants to spend his life with me. It's honestly so messed up.I can't make it make sense.
I'm sorry your husband is in denial. Did he bring out the 'just good friends' line?

Hoping4peace99

I can enjoy good days but that doesn't mean I'm over it.

That is such an important point as having good days does not mean the betrayal has stopped hurting and it does not mean you are somehow back at peace - it just means there are moments where the pain is less loud. I also think the first year taking that long to get the full truth matters and healing did not really start from the first discovery - every new truth/minimisation and every single lie adds another layer to process. I recognise some of this from my own situation where later truths changed the timeline and made recovery feel as though it had started again.

He admitted he loved/loves her but wants to spend his life with me.

No wonder your brain cannot make that make sense as wanting to stay with you is not the same as making you feel emotionally safe - for reconciliation to feel real he needs to understand that the damage is not only that he had feelings elsewhere but that you are now left trying to live inside the contradiction of being chosen while also knowing part of him was emotionally invested in someone else. Two years may sound long from the outside but if there was trickle truth and minimising for much of the first year it makes sense that this still feels fragile.

I'm sorry your husband is in denial. Did he bring out the 'just good friends' line?

Omg like a broken record. Still after all the evidence it's because I'm too sensitive, reading into it, overthinking, delusional, that I've come to this conclusion.

Honestly the things he said to her, the time and secrecy. The photos of him with her kids, the hotels they stayed in together, staying at her house during "business trips" and the paralell detachment he showed me during this time when i knew nothing.

It's because I'm old fashioned and wouldn't understand apparently.

But just good friends..... yes, of course