SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Greetings everyone,

A lot of you have read my thread/story over on the "Just found out" forum, but I wanted to post here and ask for some advice/help on the 180.

I did my own take on the pick me dance at first (stopped that almost entirely now and am disappointed in myself for doing so at all), didn't sleep enough or too much, and like many of us either ate/drank too much or too little at times. Additionally, it's been hard to think of the 180 at times because we've been intimate a lot the last 2 weeks.

I've been getting back on my bike as much as I can, trying to sleep more and using my phone less each day. But I'd like to hear how any of you did the 180 and stuck with it. What worked for you? What didn't? How're you feeling now? What advice would you give someone who wants R with his WS, but still wonders if she'll stick with her recent efforts to try and make things right?

I wasn't in the 180 for very long. Maybe a few days or a week. I probably never really went all the way with it to begin with because she reacted so swiftly to my change. It's because my wife did such a drastic turnaround almost overnight that it just didn't feel necessary to maintain it in my case. As I've said many times before, my wife is wired a lot differently from most people. She doesn't have a lot of room for nuance. Very black and white thinking, so when she picks a direction she goes all the way with it. When she turned the corner she completely ghosted her AP entirely and hasn't looked back. She hates him now, and is completely rededicated to me and our marriage.

I think it depends on whether or not you're convinced if she's all in. I think the fact that you're being intimate certainly makes doing a 180 more complicated. You haven't really mentioned much about what she's been doing to show you how committed to you and your marriage she is, or what she's admitted about her affair. You've mentioned some good talks and good days, but not really what was said or done on her part.

I don't think there's a minimum amount of time or a time limit on the 180. It's more about preparing yourself for a good life no matter which direction things go, and if your spouse reacts to it by turning toward you and the marriage you can keep doing things to help yourself and become a better person, but you include your spouse in that with you. If she's not "with you" then you continue on your own.

You know, after typing all of that up I'm realizing I never really did much with the 180 because of the way my specific situation played out, so I'm probably not the best person to be offering advice on it. Hopefully some others who have more experience with it will come along and give you better feedback than I can offer.

Pete, did you post this at the same time you posted about going to Milwaukee together? I think that is the opposite of the 180…

The 180 is used to help you function and get away from additional Ddays and the pain of infidelity. Especially while the cheater is still in the "affair fog" or the marriage is in limbo.

I think you are past those days as it appears you are in Reconciliation and your spouse has committed to it.

However there are things you can do to protect yourself.

Have some $ in your own name just in case. $ she cannot access.

Same with a credit card.

Maintain your own social life. At least one day or night a week. Something you do just for you w/out your spouse.

If you've already committed to Reconciliation, then I don't see the purpose of the 180.

The purpose of the 180 is (or should be) to obtain emotional distance from your cheating spouse so that you're not subjecting yourself to a daily barrage of pain, to regain your own sense of self worth and independence, and to objectively evaluate whether your best option is to attempt Reconciliation or move toward Divorce. In short, you should be trying to let go of the outcome.

This is the opposite direction of Reconciliation, which is about rebuilding your connection to your wife and partnering with her to rebuild your marriage.

If your approach to the 180 is "I'm going to put more time into my hobbies, stop talking about the affair, get in shape, look happy all the time, and hope that my wife decides that our marriage is worth fighting for," then what you're doing is playing the hard-to-get variation of the "Pick Me Dance."

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:39 PM, Thursday, July 30th]