SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all - I’m sorry if my posts are repetitive or if I still feel the same types of things I might have already said since I started posting when I found out a month ago. I hope you don’t mind as it is therapeutic for me as I have not disclosed about the situation to many people in my life outside of a therapist. It’s not easy for me to talk about my feelings. Some of this contributes to me not putting up boundaries , I think. Anyways , today I am struggling with distinguishing between the person and the relationship. Logically , I do not want to be in a relationship like this. I don’t want to be hurt by the closest person to me (of course I don’t , who does ?). My partner did immediately cut contact with online EA partner, as a refresher he also met up with an escort. It’s a lot of damage done. I don’t want to be the type of person who accepts this in their life. Despite apologies and admission, and agreeing to look into a couples counselor , things just aren’t feeling like they’re moving in any direction. He is still the same person. He is still financially irresponsible (the biggest driving issue that led to us being distant from one another in the first place ). He is not working hard enough to change , and is taking too long to make an appointment for a couples therapist. However , any time I think about letting go and moving on, I feel immense grief and connection to him as a person. The great memories come flooding back. Letting go would feel like cutting off my own limb (sorry to be dramatic but that’s how it feels) . It’s been about a month I know I am still traumatized and I don’t have to make a decision right away and can take all the time I need. I just feel like I need things to move forward in one direction or the other. I need to see real changes, (which I can’t control), or I need to end the relationship (which makes me feel very very depressed and lost). I hope somebody here can relate.
Apart from the relationship this is bringing up a lot about my own self esteem. I thought I was a strong person that loves themself, and to continue with someone who has disrespected me makes me hurt for myself and question my own self worth. How can I pull myself out of this limbo ? What can I do in the meantime if I’m not sure about what I am going to do ?
Again thank you all for reading and I hope I am not repeating myself too much. I’ve mostly just been keeping busy with work but then coming home feels like this heavy part of my life that I am emotionally avoiding .

I can relate. I lived with a remorseless spouse for about a month before things took a drastic change. She tried to keep in contact and maintain a "just friends" relationship right under my nose while I was trying to figure out if our (at the time) almost 27 year marriage was going to survive. I put up with that and listened to her defend him when id say anything derogatory about him and not care what it was doing to me. It was pretty awful.

I eventually snooped through her messages, uncovered some more lies, and discovered her saying unflattering things about me. I know what you mean about taking a shot to your self esteem. I understand the pain you're going through.

What helped me with that was getting angry and fed up. I confronted her about her messages, watched her try to squirm out of it even knowing I had read them, then told her if she wanted him then she could have him. Just not while remaining married to me.

Then I called lawyers right in front of her and started setting up consultations. I immediately felt a sense of relief and started feeling better about myself because I was taking my agency back. I didn't want a divorce, but what I wanted less was to continue living in infidelity and uncertainty with a remorseless spouse. It was very liberating and I no longer felt like everything was out of my control.

It turned out to be the best thing I could have done, because one way or another I was getting out of a bad situation. It just so happened that my wife discovered that losing me was far worse than losing her AP. I don't think she thought I'd really do it, but id had enough.

I don't know what your husband might do if you follow my tack, but there's a saying here. Sometimes if you want to save your marriage the best thing you can do is let it go. Cut them free and let them choose. If they don't choose you, then do you really want to stay in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to be there?

I didn't.

You have to make up your mind how much you're willing to tolerate. I hit my limit, and while I really didn't want a divorce making those phone calls, finally deciding to do something, came with a great sense of relief. I felt much better about myself, regardless of the outcome.

I'm so sorry you're going through this hell. Most of us have been there. I think when you decide you've had enough and start taking action you'll begin feeling better about yourself, too. Set your boundaries. Tell him what you expect to see if he wants this marriage, then enforce those boundaries if you need to.

It is often advised here that you don't need a couples therapist. He cheated. He needs therapy to figure out why.

You may also need therapy to help you through your process. It may be helpful when you don't want to talk to people you know.

Maybe down the road you may want to consider couples therapy if you intend to stay a couple to navigate a new relationship. But not right now.