SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm making small steps of progress

Good for you! These are your first steps of a Victory Dance. We're pulling for you. You CAN do this. It won't be easy or painless but surviving and thriving is worth every tear and all the effort put into your recovery.

well I had my counseling appointment tonight. it went a lot better than I expected.

On my way there I started feeling so sick to my stomach. Of course the best way to relieve those symptoms is to deny, deny, deny

Don't worry ama....she saw right through me. It felt so good to hear her say what happened to me was a crime; that he sexually assaulted me, and that I was sexually abused as a child. her comment about how my voice was taken away from me really hit home tonight. My voice has been silenced all of my life! I never realized that was what happened.

I was very calm and collected until she mentioned how in marriage that a man is suppose to cherish his wife and I realized he NEVER cherished me. i just cried and also when she said that I need to look at myself the way God sees me.... that I'm precious. I don't remember ever being told that I was special or precious.

I was surprised by how much I said within the 1 hour time frame.

I can't explain how but I left feeling such a feeling of peace. I hope I am finally able to get a good night's rest.

I went in thinking that she would limit the conversation to just the "rape"....which she didn't. I told her how I feel so ashamed for staying to be repeatedly abused but left because he cheated. I come from a family with very long marriages. My uncle and aunt currently have been married 70 years, my grandparents were married 50+ before they died, and my parents are going on 40 years. I didn't want to fail or be a disappoint to my family.

The IC said there is nothing to be ashamed about... I did what I thought was right.

It was nice to be paired with someone who shares my faith. I have been struggling with feeling I'm being punished for disobeying. I know that's not true in my head but not in my heart.

I think my problem is I feel so damaged that I am not worthy of someone who is "good" or "clean". I feel damaged so I gravitate to someone who treats me bad so I get more damaged therefore I'm forced farther down the path of only going for people who treat me bad because that's all I'm worth. My worth diminishes each time.

Sometimes I struggle with my relationship with SO. He is something I am not familiar with. The way I understand love is through abuse. He gives me respect.

((((HUGS))))

You are worthy of love. You are worthy of being cherished.

(((courageous)))

(those are happy hugs)

So you'll keep seeing the IC? Sounds like you found a really good one!

I am happy for you. It sounds like your counselor will be a good fit for you and you will finally hear what you need to hear....

I don't remember ever being told that I was special or precious.

You are.

And to have survived all this all these years shows just how COURAGEOUS you truly are.

Thanks guys! I really needed that today.....on a non-related issue I stood up for myself when one of my coworkers was extremely rude, disrespectful, and then down right nasty to me. She is an UN medicated bi-polar. She knows she is, she has medicine but refuses to take it.

I was done tip-toeing around. I was done bowing down to someone else's bad behavior. The IC appointment gave me the idea that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. Well if you ever met someone like her... She escalated more and more. I ended up crying for half the day. She unfriended me on the Facebook ... I know so mature! And now she won't even talk to me. Did I mention she once stabbed her boyfriend?! She says she stabbed him because he moved when she tried to run him over with a car

I don't have any fight left in me. I have been chewed up and spit out one too many times. I give up. Stick a fork in me... I'm done.

((((courageous))))

What happened today? Vent it out. Lean on us.

Sending you strength and hope for a better tomorrow.

We're here to listen when you're ready to talk.

(((((Courageous))))))

Remember we are here for you, and want you to be whole, healthy and loved.

I am honored that you are sharing your journey down this path of healing with us.

Hugs,

K

(((Courage)))

(((((Courageous)))))

So it started off last week. One of my co-workers got mad at me and demanded I just do what she told me to do.

The tone and way she said it remind me of my marriage. I kept hearing the IC say how my voice was taken from me from an early age. I am tired of tip-toeing around this co-worker. I stood up for myself and she just went off on me. I rarely ever stand up for myself. Her attack just upset me so much. I cried for a half the day. Since then I have felt like I have physically been kicked. My whole body is tired and weak.

This weekend I got to have the kids (they get 45 days w/ their dad during the summer). My 3 year old little girl didn't want me this entire weekend. She wanted my mom to put her to bed, to nap with her, and even to drive her back to my ex. My DD was talking in the car saying "I love you". I told her I loved her too. She said she wasn't talking to me...she was talking to her brother that was sleeping. I told her she could talk to me but she said she didn't want to talk to me. The mistress is around the kids all the time now. She brings presents and paints my little girl's nails.

At work today we were suppose to talk about what happened last week with our boss. The co-worker (who is bi-polar) was having a bad day so of course the meeting got postponed..... I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall. When this meeting happens I am going to be verbally attacked again. I just don't have it in me. The well is empty.

Tonight I had IC again. I listened to music so loud I could feel the bass in my body on the way over because I was trying to drown out my thoughts.

I was crying before I even got out of my car. I made my tears go away before I saw the IC to the point I don't think we really talked about much of substance tonight. I left feeling so confused. I still don't understand how the rapes were about control and not just sex. I asked her that and she said that maybe she was too presumptuous. So does that mean that some rapes are just about sex?

I'm going to met SO's parents this week. Both SO and his parents are going out of their way to clean and prepare for me. It makes me feel bad because I don't feel worth the effort. Plus I'm afraid I won't live up to everyone's expectations of me.

I'm so tired.... not sleepy tired but bone weary, don't want to get out of bed and face the day tired. I don't feel strong enough to protect myself anymore. My defenses are way down and I can't get them back up.

I can't separate the hurtful words from my co-worker from the things that were done to me in the past. It hurts that my little girl rejected me. I'm afraid of flying and even traveling alone and yet that's what I'm going to do to spend time with SO. Strangers are going to sit in judgement of me in one way or another. I'm not perfect and yet I struggle with trying to do everything right. My co-worker loves to point out every single one of my mistakes from the time I started working until now...it's like she gets pleasure out of hurting me.

I'm tired of juggling...so I stand still because it is all I can do...and I watch all the balls fall down around me, helpless to do anything about it.

Remember we are here for you, and want you to be whole, healthy and loved.

I am honored that you are sharing your journey down this path of healing with us.

^^^That hurts. I don't feel worthy of the attention. I don't feel like I have done anything that should make someone feel honored. I don't feel strong. I don't feel courageous. I feel defeated, beaten down, weary, and broken hearted.

IC felt like a waste tonight. I don't think I got anything out of it...it was a complete waste of time.. mine and hers. I just don't understand the purpose or what it is suppose to feel like.

I don't even know what normal feels like. What does healthy look like? I know what it doesn't look like... I see it in the mirror every morning.

There is a song that reminds me so much of me right now. It is by Plumb called real:

I numb the ache and decorate

My emptiness

Stand naked in the light

Well be pleased world

If this is what you wanted

This young girl is everything that you made

What will she say

Aren't I lovely

And do you want me cause

I am hungry for something that will make me real

Can you see me and

Do you love me cause

I am desperately searching for something

Real

I desperately want something that is real and good and safe. I long for someone, anyone to see the real me and love me for that person. I want this ache and loneliness to go away.... to be whole again.

[This message edited by courageous at 11:34 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

Is it possible that your SO has seen the real you? Perhaps your wish to be seen & known & appreciated is already coming true?

Sometimes IC sessions don't seem that productive or have a breakthrough. That doesn't mean it was ineffective. I've found that each IC session builds on the ones that came before it. You're just getting started. Don't give up yet.

I still don't understand how the rapes were about control and not just sex. I asked her that and she said that maybe she was too presumptuous. So does that mean that some rapes are just about sex?

While they may have been about sex too, if he just wanted sex, he would have just asked you to have sex with him. Like a normal person. The way your SO probably goes about having sex with you. You know, in a way that makes you feel sexy, lets you be involved, makes you feel good as well as him, etc.

I can't separate the hurtful words from my co-worker from the things that were done to me in the past.

This is where we see the control in abuse. Even after you're away from a situation, you aren't really away from it. The abuser lingers in your experiences and continues to hurt you years later. They have an untold amount of power that is, in essence, eternal, at least until you do what you're doing, put your foot down, and stop it.

I still don't understand how the rapes were about control and not just sex.

These kind of people control THROUGH sex. They use sex to feel their own power. Having sex with you while you are unconscious or unaware gives him the power and the control. It makes him feel that he has something over you. He took something from you and for him, that makes him feel like the victor.....(when we understand that in reality, he is a coward).

I understand your bone-weary fatigue. This is the time when you need to nurture yourself and be extra good and loving towards yourself. You DO deserve to be loved, especially by you. You are a good person. You had bad things happen to you. You made unhealthy choices because of the bad things that happened to you. That does NOT make YOU a bad person. It makes you the victim of someone else's twisted needs. Many of us are victimized at some point in our lives, but we do not have to remain victims. We can become survivors and that is what you are on your way to.

Survivors are strong. They are powerful and wise. They understand that what happened to them and others sometimes is out of our control, but we can choose how we react to the abuse. We do not need to remain in the victim mindset. First, you have to realize you were a victim to another person's ill-intent. After you realize that, then you can start working on becoming a survivor, strong and wise and powerful in your own way. You are on that path, but it is work and scary and difficult. True growth always is.

We are here for you along that journey. Many of us have undertaken that journey and can help you along the way, and others are on that same journey with you. You are not alone courageous. ((((hugs))))

((Courageous))

That does hurt, when your own kid says they don't love you. She doesn't mean it, Courageous, she's just trying out the behavior. Also, she would be afraid to say that if she weren't super confident that you love her. Kids misbehave for and melt down on the parent who's the real rock, the one they know is safe.

Practice this response to her -- something like, Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. But I always love you so much.

I really admire your strength in facing the truth, Courageous. You may not believe it yet -- I hope you will! We're all cheering for you.

Big hugs to you.

(((courageous)))

Putting the words on paper is a very courageous thing to do. Most people suffer in silence, reaching out and asking for help is very difficult and courageouse thing to do. And seeing the pain and struggle that you go thru to become the person you want to be is very humbling and at the same time honoring. Not many would share their steps along this journey. It is a very difficult path to take.

But it is so worth it... right now you don't see it...but you are probably healthier than you have ever been... and while today was tough and this week may be tough... you are still standing. All the shit that has happened to you, you have not given up your humanity, and become like those that abuse you. You have a kind and loving nature that shows thru your writing. For you to be able to keep that part of you from becoming bitter and hateful shows just how much strength you have.

Yes you are tired, working on yourself is extremely draining. Physically and emotionally... and yet you are doing it. Dealing with a bully coworker is also tough to deal with... and yet here you are.

I would be more worried IF you WEREN'T so tired... that would mean you weren't doing the work and just making noise for the sake of making noise.

One step at a time... even if the steps are in inches.. it is still forward momentum.

Hugs,

K