SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s not necessarily the best tool if you have a spouse that wants to reconcile…

So I’m going to suggest you use parts of it but do some other things that are not necessarily in line with the 180…

I just want to highlight this part of bigger's post. I believe this to be extremely true.

SWAT, what I feel from your WW actions and responses is one of playing that damsel in distress routine. As a female I abhor that act, and it's prevalent amongst OW who cheat with married men, so I am coming at it from that perspective. My ex WH OW played this. Either nothing was ever her fault, or she had an excuse based on some sort of pseudo angst which was never based on really anything. I have found there are usually two main types of female personality who play the OW/AP woman type of game ...1)the wanna-be-damsel-in-distress and 2) what we very inelegantly refer to as attention-whore. I feel your wife is playing the former.

Your wife's pseudo angst is based on what - you working too hard, she somehow conjured up that she had lost you, you're too good, this guy came on to her, she deserved to be hurt. None of these are reasons, they are excuses taken from the damsel in distress handbook.

As women, I hate to say it but any of us with even minimal attractiveness get hit on occasionally, married or not, and have and will our whole lives. Your wife being attractive as you say she is, she would be used to this and used to averting it and turning it down. My little teen daughter already knows how to say "eff off" to men, and the more assertive they are the stronger she says "eff off" just like it's a reflex. So I find little excuse for grown women who act like some big bad man took advantage of their weak little selves. (not saying he's not bad, he sounds like a real jerk)

Anyway, I can't help throwing this out there so you can be aware that this is a common game play. Now, that does not mean women have to act tough or anything, we can be completely feminine and soft and love to depend on our men. But that's different than jerking men's protective instincts and pride around by acting helpless.

Whenever she tries to pull that on you, divert it back to her and don't fall for it. You can't have a woman or trust a woman who creates weakness in herself and tries to use it as some sort of weapon. She better get strong or get packing. I mean that's what I think but you don't have to listen to me.

Don't really want to talk about the WW today. I watched a "brother" be buried today. 43 years of age and he left a wife and 11 year old son. My prayers and thoughts are with his family today.

OM was sighted today walking in the procession wearing a suit and tie. OM was officially terminated on Wednesday. Maybe I'm getting a little better. I saw OM and felt nothing. I just wanted to pay my respect for the fallen officer. When it comes down to it, OM showed some class today and did what I would have expected of him for several years. Today he was a good human being.

Praying...

The world is a better place because of awesome people like you and him! I am so thankful for what police officers do to save and protect our lives/communities and ensure that we are safe...

((((SWAT))))

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:54 PM, April 4th (Friday)]

A good day to put all of our problems on hold to pay respect where's it due. My condolences to all that called him friend and family.

@outofthedeep:

Thanks for an interesting perspective about reasonably attractive women being hit on all the time. I had never actually though about that until now. I find that a bit of a revelation, as I will usually notice most women and find something attractive about them, but it never occurs to me approach them in a sexual way , but I have a friend that will try to turn every encounter into something suggestive.

Maybe a new thread

Well I got home this morning , slight hangover. Seems WW is a little angry with me this morning. My children were very happy to see me, but WW just stood on the porch. DD asked to take her shopping. The boys want to go to the park. Told them to give me a minute and took my luggage inside. WW followed me to my room and asked me why I didn't come home last night. My only reply was that she knew why. LODD are rough and funerals of fallen police officers are important and very emotional. Sometimes there is excessive drinking so I stayed in a hotel since I would not drive dunk and it was three hours away. I told WW she knew this. It was in my message to her before I left. Apparently she feels I should have been home. She needed to be reassured I was alright and wanted to be with our family. Got me thinking about me in a hospital cut all to hell and having to be rushed into emergency surgery. WW couldn't be found and no one knew where to find her, she wasn't to concerned about our family then.

I guess just spending some time away from WW shows me how she really thinks and acts. Prior to me leaving for the funeral, she was helpful and made sure everything I needed was ready. Being in the guest suite has kept us separated for the most part. I've been trying to keep conversations about the household and kids not us. So now that I am back and did not talk with WW for two whole days, she is pouting. This seems to have upset WW and I have actually been listening to what she is saying and not allowing my feelings or perceptions to cloud the conversation. Not so sure I like what I am hearing.

Oh hell no. WW just told me OM called her last night and he wanted her to know I was "drunk and all over tons of women." WW says she did not answer the phone and he left a message. Sure as shit. I just listened to it. WW asked what she should do. My reply was this is your mess. You fix it. I set down my digital camera which also has videos. I said this is what happened yesterday and last night, look at it watch all the videos. That is what I was doing yesterday.

Why does she wait until I'm ready to leave with the kids to say this? Why didn't she tell me right away and call the police? After all that is what she said she would do in her NC letter. I just don't think she gets it.

Thanks for letting me vent. Don't want my kids to see me upset. Looks like I was wrong again OM is still a POS.

[This message edited by SWAT70 at 9:30 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]

Your wife could be very concerned you will now have a revenge affair or just leave her.

This OM calling is a real problem. After everything that has happened, he still does this crap. I guess he doesn't know when in the hell to stop.

You probably know better than most what the next best step is, but I guess some legal steps against this OM, a restraining order for one thing.

Something of a problem. As long as the OM is hanging around contacting your wife then there is a real possibility of the affair reigniting. Eventually your wife will get angry because you are 'not back to normal' and fawning all over her. The temptation to meet the OM will now turn into justification; after all you are not getting over her adultery as fast as she would like, so she has a right to seek solace and comfort with her former lover and friend.

Your wife is a little selfish and doesn't understand what she has done. She has destroyed the intimacy and romance in the marriage for years to come but she just isn't going to accept this. She won't acknowledge the necessary hard work and pain that reconciliation entails. Your WW wants relatively instant healing and if you don't deliver maybe the OM has an opportunity to get further revenge.

This is quite a common issue in marriages tainted with adultery. The problem of the impatient WS.

Swat,

Bro, I was not going to comment yesterday. POS showing up to MARCH? Holy Shit!!! I would have bitch slapped his ass back into the dark corner where he belonged. You realize that had things turned out differently for you he would have marched for you?

WW just told me OM called her last night and he wanted her to know I was "drunk and all over tons of women."

Be interesting to see if she follows through. TBH, I don't know whether or not she's too scared to do it or trying to keep plan B viable.

Do your brothers(force) know what he's doing now?

Strength

5454, Just about everyone does know. To be honest that's kind of embarrassing. Came home to find the WW did call and filed a complaint against OM.

Well when I saw him yesterday I was in formation with our honor guard. Surprisingly I was shocked but not upset he was there. We had been to other LEO funerals together and it was within the state we live in so I guess way deep down I knew he could be there.

While I as with the kids, my DD asked me why mommy was so sad. Apparently WW has been really upset about this. DD says mommy has been crying a lot and saying she was sorry to the kids. DD said she asked mommy why she was sorry. WW told her for hurting your daddy.

My MIL called and asked how I was doing. MIL is very upset over the situation and asked me if I could ever forgive WW. I told her I've probably already forgiven her. I just don't know if I will be able to stay with WW. MIL said she understood and hoped I was taking care of myself. According to MIL I seem to be very calm about this mess and she is afraid I'm bottling everything up inside. I told her I've seen an IC and I'll continue to see her for sometime.

I've gotten a couple of emails and text messages from WW asking to have a talk with me. She says she has a lot to talk about but knows I'm avoiding her for my own well being. WW says she understand that I need my time and space, but just wanted me to know some things that may have a bearing on my decisions. When I read those I felt like I had been punched in the gut. What if there is more? I'm going to talk to her later. This maybe the end of us I just don't know.

Your children are 3 and 6. She needs to pull her shit together. Im guessing she knew there was a chance your DD would tell you she was crying and shit and it would get back to you.

This is manipulation..and she is using your child.

And if it's not manipulation? Then it's just a shitty thing to do to those kids. Mommy is crying..she is sad..she hurt daddy..daddy didn't come home one night..kids get scared and confused.

No.

It's ok to cry in front of your children. But what she is doing is not ok.

Just about everyone does know. To be honest that's kind of embarrassing.

Yep, it is. Curious as to why they didn't close ranks around you. I was hoping for a better response. I'll bet you're not the only one he's done this to. Deserves to be squished.

Came home to find the WW did call and filed a complaint against OM.

I've gotten a couple of emails and text messages from WW asking to have a talk with me. She says she has a lot to talk about but knows I'm avoiding her for my own well being. WW says she understand that I need my time and space, but just wanted me to know some things that may have a bearing on my decisions.

Great signs. I won't yet go as far as to say she's remorseful(proven through actions over time), but very positive indications.

What if there is more? I'm going to talk to her later. This maybe the end of us I just don't know.

Only you will know that. If there is more, assuming you are open to R, complete, open honesty is the only way to get there. There's a level to the details though. You likely(as did I) will want to know it all. A warning, be sure, once you *know* it, you can't unknow it. Personally, the details were *better* than what my imagination was able to provide.

I told her I've probably already forgiven her. I just don't know if I will be able to stay with WW.

I forgave pretty quickly myself. I gave myself a year to figure my own answers though. Around 8 months past D-day, I was pleasantly surprised to *see* FWW actively remorseful. At a year, I told her that R was/is my goal and began my quest to repair/rebuild the M. The previous year, I was fixing me. Figuring out who I was.

A little of my background. I've been in 5 long term relationships(2 M's). All 5 women have cheated(I've pretty well figured out I've got a busted picker ). Instant deal-breaker the first 4 times(including the 1st M). I mean I *knew* as soon as I found out. This time, there were questions.

My suggestion to you is to figure yourself out before you make a final determination. Sounds like you are on the right path. A word of caution. You are on the rollercoaster from hell brother. What you feel today, heck, this hour can and will change on a dime. Wait until you stabilize a little before you make a final determination.

it's just a shitty thing to do to those kids. Mommy is crying..she is sad..she hurt daddy..daddy didn't come home one night..kids get scared and confused.

I agree with confused. A convo with WW is in order. If she can't hold her shit together, would it be possible for her to go stay with MIL? The kids desperately need stability right now, if she can't provide it, you need to.

Strength

5454. Sorry I have not touched on that. Most of my coworkers have been very good to me. Some of the wives of fellow officers have been great. I've gotten a lot of dinner offers and even a couple of them wanted to set me up with friends. They were joking of course.

OM was not well liked due to the way he did treat a lot of the other officers. One guy transferred back to patrol so he never had to deal with OM. Said he didn't like the way OM would act around other officers wives or girlfriends.

I'll be really honest I'm nervous right now. WW is driving the kids to grandparents so we can talk.

Well I guess it isn't going to get much better. WW and I had our talk. She was calm and answered most of the questions I have asked her. WW is adamant this was her only affair and has volunteered to take a polygraph. WW also said she would have all three kids DNA tested if I wanted. She said she knows they are mine as she never cheated before.

WW then broke down and said she was sorry for everything. For the cheating and the lies. She said she was most sorry for hurting me and disrespecting me and our marriage. WW said the affair was actually fairly brief and they were only together three times, with actual sex occurring the last time. She was really upset that it occurred the day I was hurt. She said that at that time she knew I never cheated. She said it was like a light went off in her head. That little light became a huge neon sign that said WTF are you doing.

WW had gone out of town with OM, she said she couldn't do "it" anywhere around town. She said she had turned her phone off because she didn't want any reminders of me. When she turned her phone on it was blowing up. She read the texts and messages and started to panic. She said she thought I was going to die. When she saw me in the hospital she was so happy I was alive and She was feeling so guilty she was afraid to confess. WW said she knew way deep down that I knew and everything would eventually be ruined. She wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. WW said she knew how I felt about cheating and was afraid I would just leave her. WW said she is most sad about ruining my relationship with her family.

I asked WW to not involve the children and she apologized for that as well. She said she was having a bad time and was talking to BIL on the phone and DD heard her crying. My daughter has some emotional issues and is very empathetic to other people when they are hurting. She gets very upset to see anyone she loves hurting in any way. WW apologized again and said she will try to keep "her" problems to herself. WW said her IC has been very hard on her, but understands she needs to be held accountable for her actions.

I have to say I haven't cried this much since I broke my arm when I was a child. WW asked me to please reconsider our separation and not make any decisions about a divorce. She has asked for some time. She said she wanted time to show me how much she does love me and wants our marriage. She wants to show me she can change and be a better person. She wants to show me the respect she should have shown me all along. WW did not sugar coat anything as far as I can tell. She did not down play anything. She said the sex with OM was good but it wasn't like what we had. She said he did fulfill something she always wanted but would never have asked me for. Apparently WW is extremely submissive, sorry if that's TMI. WW said she didn't want me to think she was a slut or a freak. My only reply to that was that I never thought she was until she let another man inside her. I would have given her anything she wanted or needed and not just in the bedroom.

What does everyone think? To me she appears to get it. She hasn't had any actual contact with OM, but he has tried. From what I can see she shut him down right after I was hurt and did so for several months. She just ignored him but after I confronted her she did send her NC letter and today she filed a complaint against him. She even requested charges be filed and asked for a temporary order of protection.

I love this woman with all of my being. She is beautiful, funny, smart (well most of the time), she is the mother of my beautiful children and my truly best friend. I want to be able to trust her again. I know it will not happen right away or even the foreseeable future. Do you all think we have a chance? Can we fix this?

Sorry for the novel. God I write way to much. With regards to my kids. WW is a good mother with the exception of her infidelity. WW does suffer from depression and can be emotional. I may have portrayed it wrong on my one post. I hope I clarified it in my prior post. I think my DD asked my wife. I don't think she talked to our daughter in an attempt to manipulate. (I hope )

Its very encouraging that your wife came right out with it and admitted that she had lost respect for you prior to the affair. Thats what it takes to cold-bloodily have sex the way she did with the OM. From one perspective the sex was better with him because it satisfied that submissive need that she admitted to. I also wouldn't be surprised if thats the reason she cheated; to experience this particular brand of kinky sex. She saw an opportunity and took it. All that crap about you possibly cheating was just to justify her adultery - she didn't necessarily believe it.

You can definitely reconcile given your wife is fully remorseful. The big worry is that after this all dies down in a few years, will she revert to this lack of respect for you she mentioned. Most adultery is rooted in either extreme resentment ; a lack of respect or both. Address this issue now before marriage rebuilding - why did she think so little of you that she permanently stained your marriage with this affair.

I would start the process of reconciliation at a slow pace according to how you feel. Sleep separately until you are ready to resume sexual relations and just take everything at your tempo not hers. Don't push yourself; this something you will control and your wife will have to accept this. Remind her that something unique has been lost, she is no longer a faithful wife and you will forgive but never forget.

God I write way to much.

Lol, no, you don't. There is no better place to get it all out. We've all BTDT.

For example

She said it was like a light went off in her head. That little light became a huge neon sign that said WTF are you doing.

Heard exactly the same words. Unfortunately, it was after they finished and she was laying in bed next to him.

I love this woman with all of my being. She is beautiful, funny, smart (well most of the time), she is the mother of my beautiful children and my truly best friend. I want to be able to trust her again. I know it will not happen right away or even the foreseeable future. Do you all think we have a chance? Can we fix this?

Yes, you can. I won't sugar coat things and tell you it will be easy. There is literally going to be hell to pay. Mind movies, roller coaster emotions etc. It's generally accepted that it is a 2-5 year process. You will change your mind minute to minute, hour to hour and day to day.

We're here. Keep writing.

Strength

If you make the decision to reconcile, make sure you put your wife through some turmoil over the next year - a form of aversion therapy. You want to make sure this never happens again.

I personally insisted my WH sleep in another room for 6 months while we conducted a chaste brother/sister reconciliation. There was no hostility or screaming anger, but I did more things on my own. I even went on vacation alone and left him with the kids.

Its important that your relationship change - don't go back to what you had. Keep your wife a little insecure and not sure of where she stands. You must never allow her to become complacent with the marriage again, take you for granted or lose respect for you like she did with her affair.

I even told WH that I would re-evaluate our relationship again when the kids left for college. If I wasn't fully satisfied I'm gone. Thats what I mean about never allowing your WW to become complacent again. She dumped over your old marriage so there is no sense in rebuilding a clone - it has to be new and original.