SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OK now makes a good point @ "why did she think so little, etc"

But be careful here.

The answers have to be about her choices, issues, brokenness, etc., and have nothing to do with anything you did.

Just to be clear...

This might be a helpful read for you Swat:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

OK now. Thanks for your support. I get what your saying. I noticed several things about WW during our conversations. She is still avoiding things. That is one of her major issues I think. Since her affair WW has kind of put me on a pedestal. She acts like I've never done anything wrong. Hey I'm a guy I F up like every other guy. I've been wrong, stubborn and even mean to her over the years. I've made her cry and be angry. She has done the same to me. But she never dealt with her anger or hurt.

We would have an argument and separate for a while. I would run or hit the gym. I would be calm when I got back and apologize. WW on the other hand held her resentment in and I believe it just kept growing. All the while telling me she was fine and we were alright.

I think I understand how she was able to become the person she was during her affair. That person was not the person I married and I realize I should have seen it sooner. The nasty comments and her cold demeanor. I guess in a way I avoided or ignored the problems to. I think I see and have enough drama at work that I avoided it at home.

I can tell you that's not going to happen again.

WW and I had breakfast alone this morning. It was nice and she looked beautiful. The kids where still at in laws so we had a lazy morning. WW still looks good in her pj's. We did have a nice talk though. It seems we hadn't done enough of that lately. Just us time and relaxing.

Just us time and relaxing.

Sweet.

Best wishes to the both of you.

*******Your wife is a little selfish and doesn't understand what she has done. She has destroyed the intimacy and romance in the marriage for years to come but she just isn't going to accept this. She won't acknowledge the necessary hard work and pain that reconciliation entails. Your WW wants relatively instant healing and if you don't deliver maybe the OM has an opportunity to get further revenge.

This is quite a common issue in marriages tainted with adultery. The problem of the impatient WS.******

This really resonates with WH and I..Our marriage was difficult to begin with but the added layer of cheating and deceit on my WH's part made working on the marriage impossible..

Part of me was contemplating D even before I knew of WH's cheating..I found his volatile temper and emotional abuse increasingly hard to deal with as I got older..He did not put in any work to support us financially, for our future..I was the one with all of the unwanted pressure to make sure we as a family would be okay..I was the one who financed or or cosigned with my kids for their college classes when needed..

Any WS who is impatient for R to happen his or her way, impatient for the limbo to end is not truly remorseful..This person remains selfish..R with this kind of spouse? IMHO? Hell no !

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:59 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]

Remember SWAT the goal of your wife is to rugsweep and she will use every bit of her sexuality and femininity to get you to 'heal' as fast as possible and put this unpleasant incident behind you both.

You have to ensure this does not happen again and that your selfish wife is held to account for her sexual adventure. I'm sure she looks ravishing in her pj's but her goal is to seduce you and short circuit the otherwise painful process of rebuilding by exploiting your carnal needs.

Your wife told you that she enjoyed sex with the OM and that he did something special to her which she enjoyed greatly. That would piss me off royally, especially since she did not need to tell you this. She has a lot of growing up to do and you need to get tough and make her realize that what she did was a horrible betrayal and not a jolly, spiffing adventure..

Are you they she used a condom during sex? During the BJ's? Ask her again. If she honest enough to tell you about the exciting sex with OM maybe she'll reveal more about the details.

doggediva. Your right she was very selfish and immature. WW still is in some ways. Believe me I noticed how she was acting during our alone time. I've known and slept with this woman for years. What she was wearing was not typical and brand new. I saw the package and receipt. I actually asked her about it and she said she wanted to look nice for me.

OK now. Your right I have been way to lenient with WW. I need her to step up and take responsibility and fix the mess she made of our marriage. The timing of the whole scenario was suspect from the beginning. WW know the academy class I was teaching was only postponed for a week due to the funeral and several instructors would not be available. I'm teaching today and to be honest it is kind of good for my ego.

I mean I'm a 45 year old man who has lost some hair but am I the best shape of my life. WW affair helped me lose those five or was it twenty five pesky extra pounds. I teach DT and we started what we call instructor challenges. We would not ask anyone to do or try to do anything we would not do. So I guess I'm a sit up machine. Not one recruit has been able to keep up and not one is even close.

I believe WW was taking the opportunity to try to get some type of "insurance" that I was going to forgive and forget. I have td WW forgiveness is the easy part. It's the forgetting I may not get past.

The condom question has plagued me for a while. I've heard so much about waywards and not using condoms. WW has said all along they used condoms and she did get negative results for her std tests. To be honest the "type" of sex she had with OM and whether it was special or not doesn't seem to bother me at this point. I mean is she wanted to be used, she got it. I don't understand how or why she feels they way she did or does.

I mean I'm upset she didn't come to me with her desires or needs. What gets me upset is the fact she took what was special and sh!t on it. WW allowed the POS inside of her body. I know there were others before me and if I was dead I wouldn't want her to be alone. But we were a couple and that is just not acceptable to me at this point. I'm not sure she understands how I really feel about this. I've told her but she may not be getting it.

Tommorrow I'll probably feel different. The roller coaster sure sucks. But hey all my negative emotions are whipping the young kids butts.

You are so very normal and justified in the way you feel..

That was how I felt in the aftermath of my D-days too..

R is difficult, so very difficult..Some people find it impossible..

Finding a way to get past the massive resentment we feel post A towards our WS is not easy..A remorseful WS will quickly understand why we feel so resentful..A remorseful WS will let go of his/her feelings of entitlement and impatience..A remorseful WS who is thinking logically, will realize that the enormous betrayal they put upon us cannot be undone... The damage is often too final and too devastating for the marriage to be saved..

I mean really, all marriages have their problems...Problems ranging from minor irritations to major insurmountable and life changing problems..

We were in the same marriages as our WSs.. Problems of the marriage usually affect BOTH spouses in some way..So what gives the WS the right to justify their cheating by blaming it on the marriage? That is one of the first questions a WS must answer for themselves and us..

From reading these boards, I have come to the conclusion that many/most cheating spouses don't want to face the enormity and the horror of what they did to us....

Unless and until our WS face the music head on and reform their behavior, life in the M will feel fake for us..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:42 AM, April 7th (Monday)]

What gets me upset is the fact she took what was special and sh!t on it. WW allowed the POS inside of her body.

Your statement sums it all up and you are right, she just doesn't get it. To her it was an exciting episode that caused no lasting harm and was just sex after all. If you had not found out it would have been her delicious secret which she would have never revealed to you.

From her perspective she is still your woman because there was no emotional relationship with OM. From your POV she is no longer exclusively yours and the deeply intimate minutes she shared with OM are part of your marriage.

If she doesn't learn the tragedy of what she has done, she may be doomed to repeat. At least she will soon get angry with your tardiness in 'forgetting' her harmless escapade and moving on.

Swat, are you the type of person who is at your strongest when others are at their weakest? You rise to your best when other's are at their worse? You do these things instinctively regardless of whether or not it benefits yourself? You might even thrive on it?

God knows you have been dealt two gigantic blows at the same time, no, three things: wife infidelity, OM being someone who should have been like a brother to you, and the death of a fallen work brother.

Your fellow workers are suffering due to the death of one of their own, your children are suffering due to the death of the innocence of the marriage between their parents. you have obviously risen noblely in response to both of these situations and to the people who need you in both of these situations. And on top of it, you responded to OM's terrible actions by showing him you aren't ashamed and you are willing to go scorched earth on him.

I think your wife is taking advantage of this in you. You are in strong mode, for everyone. You are in handling-everything mode. You probably feel even somewhat invigorated when you are in this mode? She's riding this energy, perhaps? Hoping to jump in and be one of the victims (again with the damsel in distress thing) whom needs help and your strength at this moment?

Plus, I get a real feeling she is worried about a revenge affair. She's for sure gonna pull out all the stops with trying to keep you sexually interested in her.

From this board and in my own life, it seems caught cheaters respond one of two ways 1)suddenly and immediately decide they are capable of being the perfect spouse and suddenly deciding they will do anything to keep BS, or 2)become defensive maybe abusive and maybe even leave for the AP

(in case you haven't noticed I tend to think in sets of twos, with subcategories under each. It helps me find equilibrium in situations that are chaotic. )

I always find it sad when WS are so immediately able to pull out all the stops for the marriage AFTER they have all but murdered the marriage with an affair. It reeks of such selfishness.

Protect your heart, take all the space you need to observe this situation you are going through and your wife's actions.

@outofthedeep:

Thanks for an interesting perspective about reasonably attractive women being hit on all the time. I had never actually though about that until now. I find that a bit of a revelation,

Glad to provide some insight. I will start a thread in general.

As OutoftheDeep wrote:

Swat, are you the type of person who is at your strongest when others are at their weakest? You rise to your best when other's are at their worse? You do these things instinctively regardless of whether or not it benefits yourself? You might even thrive on it?

Back in the old days, we used to call that "character'. You've got it, the OM scumbag has no clue what it is.

One word comes to mind when dealing with a cheating spouse, selfishness. These are exact opposite traits and are not compatible.

As other SI members have pointed out you have one hell of a problem. Your wife is vain and selfish; I'll warrant she's used to being spoiled and getting her own way, given she is very good-looking lady.

In a nutshell, she is going to demand that you heal quickly. No 2 - 5 years will be accepted; she's going to want you over this minor infraction in just a few days/weeks and she'll use sex to achieve this.

She doesn't understand the male perspective of another man taking your woman and the humiliation this has exposed you to - what an insensitive clod. From her POV, she loves you not him, so where's the hurt? As I said she isn't involved with the OM emotionally, so your WW just can't grasp your sense of loss and betrayal. Her inability to understand your grief is going to pose a significant issue for you to deal with in the coming months. Her adultery will change your relationship and sadly I don't think she will be happy with the changes.

Thank you everyone. It helps to vent to you all. It's hard saying some of these things to my BIL. While he is my best friend WW is still his little sister.

Outofthedeep. Your absolutely right. I do thrive in these types of situations. I have always done what I thought was the right thing when people needed help. I guess I just need someone to be strong for me. I can't fix this and that hurts.

I'm out of the house for two weeks, except for the weekend. I think I'm either going to move out or ask WW to move out for a while. I need to see what she does and if she is willing to work on her problems. WW has shown some positive growth and admits I really never did anything wrong, yet she still choose to cheat. WW says she resented things and her resentment grew. But she was selfish and disrespectful and did not care about me or our marriage for a brief amount of time. I have asked her why. She says she does not know right now. If she can't figure out why and fix her issues. We have nothing left. I'll be the best father I can be to my kids and move on. It will hurt and it's is not what I wanted for my marriage. But I will be alright.

Ok...back to work. Gonna run the recruits five miles the we are going to do some more PT.

I would move out not WW. If she is alone in an apartment the OM will come sniffing around. Things are bad enough right now without your wife restarting her affair because you have thrown her out of the house. If she is at home with the kids then OM will find it that much more difficult to gain access to your wife.

I gather your sensible objective is to face your wife with the prospect of losing her marriage because of her adultery. Hoping to shock her into the realization that what she did was very serious, and requires genuine deep remorse. Maybe she will 'get it' before separation is necessary.

I have asked her why. She says she does not know right now. If she can't figure out why and fix her issues. We have nothing left. I'll be the best father I can be to my kids and move on.

FYI, there's probably never going to be a *why* that is acceptable to you. It might be that the *why* only is understandable to her and allows her to fix her issues. Take the time for yourself.

IMO, sounds like she's trying. It is a process. Mine took 8 months of the year I had allotted myself to figure out remorse. Why don't you suggest the book "Not Just Friends" to her as well as "After the Affair"> Both are great resources for both of you.

Run the probies into the ground!

Been an interesting day. Ran the recruits until some tossed their cookies. Wasn't expecting such a large class. The region has 46 recruits in the academy. My class was 16. Anyway split them into two groups and ran em ragged.

Got kind of a shock. During a break a female recruit asked where I was staying and if I would be going out at night. I told the entire group that personal questions were not allowed. Later I went to a local cop bar with several other instructors and a couple of the local PD I know. Said recruit and several other females were there. The bartender said they were the "Badge bunny brigade" which kind of made me laugh. After a while a group of five young ladies sat next to me. They were a rather attractive bunch probably mid twenties to early thirties. They started talking a little bit and I noticed at least three engagement or wedding rings. They asked me if I wanted to hang out and I said no I'm married. Their reply "We didn't see a ring and we've never seen you here before." What your wife doesn't know won't hurt her." To tell you the truth that really pissed me off. I said "maybe she wouldn't know. But I would. "

In a way I was kind of happy that some attractive young things wanted to chat me up. But I never started any conversation and I shut them down rather quickly. The comment about my wife would never know struck a cord with me. Did WW think this? Maybe I'm just old I don't know. But even with everything WW has done and some of the things she said during the affair. I could never cheat on her. Some people have posted WW maybe afraid of a revenge affair and I know she portrayed hers as one.

I noticed at least one of the young women (wearing a ring I might add) did leave with a strapping young man. I hope he as her husband or fiancé. Cause to be honest seeing it kind of made me sick. Is it really that easy? Cause I just couldn't fathom doing that.

Just so everyone knows. I'm not a huge drinker. I like my beer every now and then and have gone out with my co workers a couple of times a year. Never gone out and gotten drunk without the wife and never spoken to women I didn't work with. I was kind of shocked when they approached me. I thought I was giving off a I want to be left alone vibe, not a hey I want to cheat on my wife one. Guess I'm gonna have to work on that. I'm definitely not planning on going out again.