SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been lurking on SI for a while. This is my first post.

Np5, I have read your story. All I can say is wow! My friend, your wife is abusing you, irrespective of any physcological disorder she may have, however much resentment she may have towards you - no human deserves to be treated the way she has treated you. I'm surprised you haven't snapped.

Your wife gives you enough hope to draw you back in. I wouldn't be surprised if she has a burner phone and secret e-mail accounts that she accesses at work to keep in touch with this music teacher fellow. Be thankful you are financially OK to be able to live a good life separate of Edith.

My advice is to go nuclear. You say you are catholic - go see your priest and ask him about divorce ( I know catholics are anti divorce) to cover yourself spiritually. Then hire the best divorce attorney in town and keep the next best 49 attornies on retainer. Pay off all debt and close joint credit cards and bank accounts. Deposit half your joint savings into a new account in you name only. Get a realtor to put the house on the market. Tell her and your family, all friends and your children. Write up all her be, lies and TT and post it to Facebook. Hit the gym. Get a hair transplant if you're thinning on top. Get your teeth whitened and buy a new wardrobe. Get your swagger back and live the rest of your life being the best father to your children, growing your business a d finding someone who respects you, is content with who you are and appreciates you.

Just my two cents. Will post my story at some point.

"NP Honey, I just worry about you. SI seems to drag you down. It causes so much stress between us. I think you would be better off talking to me and not those strangers. What do they know anyway!? Lets make a pact to not let any outside forces get involved or between us. Lets you and me do this. Together."

Don't let her do that.

I agree with Aubrie, she had the chance to talk to you a long time ago, she had the chance to do this together a long time ago and completely ruined it by contacting him again.

The only reason I mentioned one more time is because you are seeking to R at this time, but one more time just has to be it.

I don't even know if you can get over her contacting him again, that type of stab in the back will take a long time to get over, and it is something you will never ever forget.

Big hugs to you and your daughters.

Someday, hopefully a very long time from now, when you look back over your life, specifically your relationship with Edith, what do you think you will see?

Same question, but what do you think your kids will see about your marriage?

What type of life lessons about relationships and cheating on your partner are your kids learning?

My youngest then turned to me and said, "It's OK dad, it's OK." I had told them that mom and OM had an inappropriate friendship, which I thought it was.

When your child looks back on this incident years from now and she remembers trying to console you somehow but she's not sure what to do, what do you think her insight into the incident is going to be? Where does this piece fit into her FOO issues? Is it an issue with her mother cheating? Or is it an issue with her father letting it happen over and over again? I only ask because as the child in the situation I have the same questions and I'm working on the answers in IC.

What about your oldest daughter being enlisted in the cover up? Same questions. What will she have learned from her parents actions (or inactions)?

IF one of the lessons that your children learned from their FOO issues (you and Edith) is that it's ok to stay in an M where their spouse is going to continue to abuse them through infidelity or even other means, what are you going to tell them? If there are grankids in the picture that know, what would you tell them?

IF one of the lessons that your children have learned from their FOO issues (you and Edith) is that it's ok to bring infidelity into their household, what are you going to tell them? If there are grankids in the picture that know, what would you tell them?

yop

My heart goes out to you, NP5.

NP5- Sometimes our hopes and dreams keep us from seeing an unpleasant truth before us. When we are tough on you it's because we wish for you to see it for yourself. Nothing will change until you see it yourself.

Please don't be embarrassed. We keep repeating lessons we don't learn. Your extreme commitment will never make up for her lack thereof. I'm so very sorry. I know this hurts terribly.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

My question for you tonight.... Has she successfully passed a lie detector yet? Parking lot confessions and confessing after failing doesn't equal passing. If she hasn't passed yet, does that mean there's still more TT coming your way? I'm 4 years out and finally feeling like I can make it. You just got set back to zero again. And she knows that. She chose to hurt you again. This isn't her fog. This is her. I'm Catholic too. They do annulments for a reason. And your children are being effected. It took three years for my daughter's internalized rage about her father's 6 month A to turn into anorexia. And now I'm facing losing my beautiful 15 year old daughter. I'm powerless again. I can't imagine the damage that is being done to your children these past YEARS. It's been years NP5.I pray you'll find your way out. In fact, we are going to mass tomorrow morning. I'll offer my mass for you and your children. This isn't meant as a 2x4. It's meant as a light to you in your darkness.

It is infuriating to know he was basking in your pain

That your children witnessed it and had to continue seeing him daily

This interaction with him is vivid for you because it highlights the kind of man he is and the lies you were living. Your wife's daily smugness and condescension though...that became your normal. And now her niceness seems so lovely by comparison

What keeps you? What prompts you to offer her this "one more..." once again? Beyond love, because love alone doesn't make a healthy life

He knows. He knows everything he needs to know. More 2x4s, as gentle or hard as we may swing them, are not going to help anymore. Everyone deserves the right to make their own decisions in their own time. Peace.

Her "disclosure" is progress, I suppose, but please remember that your wife failed a poly. She knew another was coming. She told you the truth only because she had to. Her bad behavior has not changed through your entire false recovery. Don't be fooled by her facade.

The desired path for recovery is for a WS to self assess, change their beliefs, become remorseful, and then tell the truth on their own as part of coming clean. It needs to come from the WS and not be forced. Your wife was unable to accomplish this after trying for 2 years even with your help.

Right now, all you have is the ability to see the mess she created, and a notion that you are controlling it. Is this the kind of life you want?

If you are still wanting to reconcile, I recommend that you back off and see what your wife is capable of achieving on her own, and I would silently demand great results or leave. I think your kids will understand if you leave and will respect you for it, and you will survive.

I expect you've had just as much advice as you can handle NP5.

Just to let you know that although I haven't posted on your thread before - that I can feel your sadness.

I also have mental illness / bipolar WS.

A serial cheater all our 30 years together (and a liar before that) - so it turns out.

He says that he 'never blames his mental illness'

.... then proceeds to put all his wayward thinking and behaviours down to the fact the he 'wasn't thinking right'; he 'was manic'; he isn't really THAT person.

Like your 5 children, my 4+1 children all adore him (although are very wary of his 'mood swings' !!!!)

Tough and complicated stuff to comprehend.

Just to let you know that I am feeling for you, and sending you love and strength.

MOBx

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 8:54 AM, November 26th (Thursday)]

Just sending support today NP5. You're a good man. What she has done isn't your fault, but you already know that. Enjoy your time with your family today

NP5

Most affairs go away when brought to light end. This did not. Most affairs end when OM is confronted. This did not. Most affairs end when the enabler is confronted.

The level of disrespect all three showed you is very telling.

You spent 12 months in denial of the PA as it was happening. You have spent the next 14 months feeling sorry for yourself.

You still allow Edith to control you. Crying in her arms because she cheated on you is no way to get her respect nor a way to respect yourself.

I am not giving you a 2x4. I am giving you a direction. You are your own worse enemy. You need to fix you and only you.

Until you respect yourself, no one will respect you. Do this not only for you but for your kids as well.

Once you fix yourself, your path will be clear to you.

Once you fix yourself, your path will be clear to you.

And most of us realise that this easier said than done!

NP,

I am so very new here, but I wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

Hey NP5,

Just sending you my support. Hope you had a peaceful Thanksgiving.

NP5, how do you know you aren't just a security blanket for her at this point ?

She has manipulated you time and again. She can't manipulate the Om because he's a master manipulator too and has manipulated her and got her to manipulate you.

Often times, cheaters will manipulate a spouse to staying while getting a thrill off of another man/woman chasing them even successfully.

I wanted to get past Thanksgiving before I broached that subject here.

You deserve better than this but won't get 'better than this' with Edith.

So I was wondering if you couldn't post status and if there was a way for you to communicate with us so that we can see your real thoughts without viewing them through a tainted prism that she controls.

The Rambler and YOP have said some very good and clear things above. Please heed their advice. The way Edith has acted, I am unsure if this thing is even over

So I was wondering if you couldn't post status and if there was a way for you to communicate with us so that we can see your real thoughts without viewing them through a tainted prism that she controls.

Western, I try to post my feelings as truthfully as I can. These vary a lot from moment to moment and day to day. I do hold some thoughts back because they are tentative or not in my interests to post. I also may miss the mark expressing what I feel.

Edith passed her polygraph. She really wanted to pass and have it all out in the open finally. She was finally ready. The polygraph examiner told her to overstate information she was unsure of, so that the polygraph would show her 100% confidence. She dumped a bunch more stuff on me and my heart breaks, yet again.

She doesn't remember how many times or when the times were that they had sex. Under a dozen. The PA lasted twice as long as I previously thought.

The last time they saw each other alone (without me present) was February--after her first post here on SI. She wrote a NC message (goodbye message) some time in March.

She gave him some sentimental stuff and he did as well.

She left some searches on the internet history that I found back in February. I now see that she was considering filing for divorce and continuing to date him during the divorce.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=546250

She was continuing the affair and seeing him even though I was months into the discovery of the texts (in August 2014) and had contacted both of them that I was aware of the affair at that it must stop. She continued even as she consoled me and encouraged me to go to IC. I had done so many weeks and still she was seeing him.

It reminds me of the scene from 6th Sense where the mother tells the child to "eat up and get strong!" while she feed her poison. I was being fed poison and writhing in pain and agony while my wife snuck off and cheated on me over and over.

Our MC says Edith was showing signs of addiction. She was addicted to the way the OM made her feel.

OK. I can understand that. But why contact him 4 weeks ago? Outlier, that is. Makes one think that the affair is not over...

There is something fatalistic about hitting rock bottom. I do feel that is it and that there is nothing more.

The story about her being out all night with her friend? It was true. Edith did not lie about that.

There are still many unanswered questions, but there are none that are factual. Most are in the realm of "How could you!" and "Didn't you know when I made you read 'NOT Just Friends' 27 months ago, when the EA was brand new, that you were going to take me for a 5 year ride into HELL!"

It is clear to me that, from the start, she knew it would end badly, but did not care. She wanted this experience just for her. Just because she had done the straight and narrow, worked so hard when others played, been self restrained her entire life, she was going to have something just for herself. No one was going to tell her, this time, that she could not do it.

So she did it. She did it and she enjoyed it.

It was never about me. It was not about her family or her life. It was just about her saying to herself, "this one is for me."

Working hard throughout her life, sacrificing, raising 5 children, working through it all as a dentist and supporting me and my startups, schooling, patents, etc. etc. It took a toll. This time is was all for her.

So I doubt there was anything I could have said or done. If I would have filed for divorce, she might have said, "fine!". The likelihood was high as she was already looking into it.

But after she joined SI and after about 8 months of PA, she took a look at herself and said, "this is not me and not who I want to be." So she stopped. Not because of any begging or pleading or who I told in our family, or how I was hurting or suffering. She just decided for herself that she was done and she didn't want it anymore.

But did she decide to come back for me or the family? I don't know. Probably both. Maybe neither. I don't think she knows or will ever know. She was a mess and she is very sorry she did this. She wishes she could take it back and not have done it, but she can't. We can only move forward or apart.

Our children are doing great and are fine. Our eldest will need additional help, I would think. All in time. The others think it was an inappropriate friendship that is in the past--Mom and Dad worked it out and he is gone forever. In the words of my DD#2, "He was so weird, Gooooood Riddance!"

YOP, your words do concern me, as you have a perspective that few here have. We both have FOO issues (who doesn't) that conflicted terribly. We are working through those and it will take some time. DD1 was caught in the crossfire. We will pay special attention to her and Edith and I have agreed to IC for her. Right now she expresses no interest in doing so--only if we insist and she is not opposed to it..."Well, OK. If you want... [long pause] Can I get back to my homework now?"

Edith does not think SI is good for me right now. So yes, Aubrie, she has said that many times. I am not a good "journal person" so this has become my journal, and all you out there are written into the margins. Thank you all for your advice and support. The SI consensus has been spot on for 18 months. I am sorry I didn't believe you at the time. It's just that my wife had been so good for so long, so dependable, so reliable, so strong. I just couldn't believe she could break herself so badly. Contrary to what she thinks, SI is a relief valve for my resentment and anger. How do you think I could take all of this? I had you all supporting me and bashing me with 2x4's and praying for me. It saw me through.

I realize she could still be cheating on me. Nothing would surprise me now. But my gut says no. I will let you know if my gut changes through PM. I have a few more tricks up my sleeve Edith hasn't learned. The truth will out. A polygraph kinda has a way of doing that.

We are both in multiple IC's and an MC. DBT IC, EMDR IC, Personal IC's, MC, reading books, listening to books on tape, reading on SI, talking with friends,... it's making our heads spin.

So yes, we are hurting badly now. I've got a brand new fresh DDay and Edith is suffering as well. But all of it is out in the light of day. We are arguing and resentful and bitter. We are establishing our borders and trying to set up more effective ways to communicate and work together. Our love had been and is still smothered with wrongs and inconsideration with years of bad habits. But our love is not dead. Not yet anyway. We are taking it day by day and with your prayers and those of my family (and Edith's) and friends we are trying to glue it all back together.

NP5

Hey NP5,

Glad to see you posting. I really hope that you continue to post even if it is against Edith's wishes. She is (not yet) to be trusted and her angst at you posting here is very telling.

No 2x4's from me. Just sending you my support.

Thanks for the update.

I have a question and potential concern.

If you're posting a gentle 'goodbye' to SI because Edith thinks SI isn't good for you, I think you're doing yourself a disservice.

As far as I can see, your being on SI has been bad for Edith but very good for you. I don't see a healthy reason for leaving now, when you're at the beginning of real R.

I hope I misinterpreted....