SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Forgot to add- I spent 4 years in therapy as a young adult and tried almost 10 different medications to help me address my FOO issues. This came about only after developing a drug addiction, which was just a much more destructive way to avoid my issues. Different versions of avoidance and denial.

This was unrelated to my husband's infidelity. That didn't occur until 7 years later.

I never looked like a kid that needed therapy. I behaved, got good grades, participated in several activities, had friends and boyfriends. Nothing was obviously wrong. But I had learned how to hide and deny my feelings. If I acted like things were fine, then they were fine, right?

Once I got old enough to sample adult life and adult choices, the drug addiction started. So did being promiscuous. There is no logical reason, other than dumb luck, that I don't have an STD.

Of course I kept my drug addiction well hidden. I was still functional, in fact I was highly functional. Getting a 4.0 in my college courses and holding down a full time job. Keeping up appearances and not being an obvious mess was my top priority.

Even when I started treatment, I refused an inpatient program because keeping my job was so important to me. So I did an intensive outpatient program most nights for many, many weeks.

If issues are sometimes too scary for adults to face, they can many times be overwhelming for children. Denial becomes the safest option. Children just aren't mature enough to understand the consequences of denial.

If they see a parent struggling with their own denial, either you OR Edith, they will likely conceal their feelings. Your daughter rushing in to console you after seeing the rat is a sign.

Make the decision for them, because they aren't equipped to make the best ones for themselves in this case. I can not stress the importance of this enough.

BetrayedWife,

Thank you for your perspective and comments. My IC has recommended two younger female IC's for my children to see. They have good experience with children. I am told it is very important to connect in some way with your IC in order for one to be honest and open.

So I will take your recommendation and implement very soon. I will let you know when I do.

DD1 just passed her driver's test this morning. She is happy and beaming on the outside. I do believe you are right that one can hide pain.

I've been told recently that we such a cute and wonderful couple and that they don't know how we do so much, so well. The truth is we are horribly broken and our marriage is shattered. I have been in agony for many months. Very few know of the truth of what we are going through.

Lark,

Edith still holds all the cards to *your* peace and healing. You need, for your sake and your children's sake, to stop giving her that power. She may be integral to the healing of the M, but do not let her be the master of YOUR healing. They are separate. Teach your children through your example that they are separate. Do not let yourself be defined by someone else.

Edith held the cards for my forgiving her. I could not forgive her as she was still in an adulterous affair. I could not forgive actions for which I believed but did not know to be true.

As I learned all that she did, far beyond my worst fears, I suffered greatly, but I did gain the tools to forgive her--the truth. I can now work on forgiveness. This is an important, but not 100% necessary part of healing myself. I am moving forward on reestablishing myself as an individual, separate from my identity as her husband and the father of her children.

Thanks for your thoughts and comments.

What will happen when polygraph 3 reveals more?

You can heal without her. Even without knowing the full truth. The marriage cant. But you can. Divorced and separated people on here demonstrate that daily. You can even find forgiveness without her. I am glad you are separating and distinguishing between you as person vs you as role in edith's life.

Oh, NP5, I read your posts and I just feel so bad for you. I really, really hope you've reached the end of the TT and the end of DDays.

You have weathered far more than I could have. I would have broken long ago. I would probably also be in jail had the AP lived close to me. No idea if he'd be breathing at this point.

Hang in there, NP5. Hopefully the light isn't a train coming at you . I'm sure you're near the end though and I really hope what you get at the end is worth it. I really do.

NP5

I was ready to metaphorically whack you with a 2x4, and then I realized something. Your last post was different. I am not entirely sure, but it sure seems different. And at the risk of giving Edith your playbook, I think I know.

Maybe, just maybe, you have found yourself.

Maybe the latest betrayal by Edith was enough for you to understand just who she really is. She may play wonderful mother, but she has a dark, cruel (almost soulless) side to her that is toxic. I mean really toxic.

I think you see that.

I know people are going to take you to task over your wanting to work towards forgiveness. They will wonder why are you investing so much in the marriage when she really, TRULY, doesn't give a crap about your marriage. The thing she really gives a shit about it herself.

Well, working towards forgiveness is good. You need, eventually, to move on.

And I think, maybe, you are getting there.

Maybe you move on to a place of acceptance, living in a marriage where you know your wife can slit your throat, laugh about it, and then complain that you are bleeding on the carpet.

Maybe you move on to a place where Edith finally realizes how vile she has been and really does the work to fix herself

Maybe you just move on to a wonderful new life without her.

I don't know if you know what you are going to do. But I think maybe you are ready to move on.

At least, it seems possible to me.

Just one piece of advice. Quit confiding in her about your plans for the OM. When you have a new strategy, just do it. She will rat you out to him and even help him hurt you again. That is who she is. Learn this lesson and act accordingly.

What will happen when polygraph 3 reveals more?

NP, do you have another polygraph scheduled?

Hoping you are gathering your strength...

Got those kids in therapy yet?

Please please please do this before it becomes an issue.

I mean seriously. Life is hard, and this burden is taking a toll I promise you. At her age you need to watch for signs of Anorexia/Bulimia, and cutting, or self harm. When kids don't feel safe to talk they internalize it. When it reaches a tipping point it boils over into something they can control, like food, and there is a release of endorphins when they self harm, like cutting, or burning, or pinching to bruise.

Wake up NP and Edith you need to make your kid the top priority.

I just don't know if I can continue with R.

The waves of shame, the feelings of utter and complete disrespect...

I have a hollow feeling inside of me that she just does not care to R, only that I don't D and just rugsweep it all. She's forgiven herself and she working on making herself feel better and focus on her life.

Sure, I'll go through the motions of being the loving caring husband and father. I'll put it off and put it off. Nothing is getting better here. Time doesn't heal because it keeps getting rewound. I feel like I'm stuck, like in the movie groundhog day, with me waking up day after day, feeling unloved, disrespected, and generally ashamed of what I let her do to me and how badly I tried to convince myself that she was a kind and caring person.

She would never, ever do something like she did. But if she did, then if I found out about it she would stop immediately and be so very sorry and remorseful.

But she didn't stop and she wasn't remorseful. I had an open marriage for a year and she did not give a damn. I take that back, she did care: "HOW DARE YOU!!" she raged when I asked her to send a NC statement. She was filled with hatred and indignation that I would ask her to stop. How dare I ask you to honor your marriage vows and not have an open marriage?

For her to say that to me must mean only one thing: She had ZERO respect for me. None.

And she cared so little about our marriage and our family that she just continued it on with a little more secrecy. Then I caught her again and she continued it on through the end of the year in 2014. How little she must of thought of me to continue on in that way.

I just don't know how I'm going to get over this.

No words, man. Just sending strength.

((NP5))

I'm so sorry you're hurting NP.

*fist bump of solidarity*

Np5,

It's okay. For some people, infidelity is a deal breaker. Some know it right away, others take awhile coming to that conclusion. I'm one of those that needed to feel I had done what I could to save the M, but in the end, it just didn't work.

We have seen you struggle with this for awhile now. It's okay to conclude that you just can't fight anymore.

I'm glad you're taking steps to find yourself and define who you are separate from the M. Please continue with IC and get your kids in therapy too- especially the oldest. If this is a deal breaker for you and you opt to divorce, your precious kiddos will have a head start on processing all of this and hopefully will already have established a rapport with the therapist.

(((Hugs)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 2:17 PM, December 11th (Friday)]

She's forgiven herself and she working on making herself feel better and focus on her life.

Whatever you decide about the marriage, it is time for you to forgive yourself, to find your happiness, and to focus on your life. Don't accept a life of going through the motions, you deserve so much more. (((NP5)))).

Keep strong brother. You need to concentrate on yourself and your children. You’ve had this crap shoved in your face for over two years now and I doubt even your children would think less of you if you walked in and announced ‘Enough is Enough!’ while serving you WW with divorce papers.

Now, not a 2X4 but a gentle reminder… (I figure you’ve taken enough 2X4s to build about a 4K SqFt house by now) With the last TT being just a couple of weeks ago and NC being broken within the last month, Edith’s affair is not over.

Maybe the PA is over, but the remnants of the EA are ongoing. By her action of contacting the AP warning him you wanted retribution, the EA is continuing.

Edith is not remorseful. She may be sorry she was caught, she may be embarrassed she was proven to be dishonest, she is likely disgusted with herself in that the entire situation was not handled better, she may even demonstrate repentance for the pain she has caused you and your children, but SHE.IS.NOT.REMORSEFUL and may never be remorseful.

There is a running joke among my riding friends about the Cowboy Rules of Life. Every single one of them happens to be Cowboy Rule #4.

Two of them seem applicable to your situation.

Cowboy Rule #4: If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.

Cowboy Rule #4: If you respect yourself, others will respect you…except for that big roan mare in the back pasture.

Keep Strong Brother…Do what you need to do for you and your children

You have truly done all you can. You have gone above and beyond to try and save your marriage. This is not weakness, although it may have been misguided.

If you have decided you cannot continue with her, that is ok. Don't dither in limbo, however. Move on. Divorce her and free yourself from the pain of pretending for others.

You can hold your head high, knowing you gave it 100%.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You didn't deserve it. But you do deserve to be happy, and for your kids to be happy. That will probably mean ending the marriage. No shame in that.

To tag onto what Abby said I want to reiterate what it takes to R.

R is extremely difficult and it takes a perfect mix of many things for it to be even possible, and then it takes both partners giving 100% to rebuild the M. In addition to both partners working to heal their own ugly broken bits.

Without all of that R does not work. It does not work if only one of you is doing twice the work. It does not work if one of you is unwilling to acknowledge their wrongs, identify your broken bit, and fix that shit....

You really only have one partner willing to accept wrongs (you) One partner doing the work (you), One partner working really really hard to start to rebuild. The other wants you to hold up the rug while she sweeps all the ugliness of the past few years right under it. The problem with that, is it leaves you broken exhausted, and confused as to why this isn't working, and also will allow her to cheat again, when she "Believes she deserves something just for her".

You have to decide what kind of life you want to live. Do you want to rely on her for your happiness while she continues to suck away your pride and strength, while she makes you appear as a cuckhold for your kids?

Or do you want to suffer now, learn how to stand alone proud, independent, and strong. Learning to be happy. You are capable of being happy and strong. You are capable of living independently.

You just have to choose.

You need individual counselling immediately, NP5! Please, get some! Or at the very least join a divorce support group. You need real-life support in addition to us here!

NP5, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Concentrate on you and your children. This may be a dealbreaker for you. Accept it, and move gainfully forward. I will keep you in my prayers.

I know you're hurting NP5.

My thoughts continue to be with you and your kids.

Strength to you

yop

NP5

I am sorry for you pain. You are a GOOD man. A good husband. A great father. You have gone more than the extra mile trying to salvage a marriage that your wife tossed in the trash a long, long time ago. This is NOT your fault.

This has been building for a long time. You have fought the inescapable conclusion. I know you wanted your old wife back. I know you want to protect your kids. I know you wanted NONE of this.

But I also know you will fight. You will fight for them and while it doesn't feel like it now, you will fight for yourself. And believe me when I tell you, God will be with you. There is a better world out there waiting.

There really is.

Strength and blessings to you.

Go Navy!