SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Set up a meeting with OM in a public place, then at the time you're supposed to meet him there show up at his house and give his wife copies of all the evidence.

Yeah, I like this idea as well. BSes can be sneaky too.

Ok I did it and I gotta tell you. It felt pretty damn good. He cried the whole time. Even if he hadn't cried, it made me feel better and like I'm taking control of my life. So I get that it's not for everyone, but it was right for me.

Then I came home and told my wife I'm not staying in limbo any more, and that if she's as checked out as I think she is, it's time to get this thing moving and talk to the lawyers.

Did you tell her you made him cry?

No, she asked if I was ok, and I just told her I think it was harder on him than it was on me. Honestly I didn't "make" him cry. He was basically crying when I sat down. So this is one instance where he actually felt bad about what he did. I'm sure that is not always the case.

[This message edited by Frk963 at 8:26 PM, March 8th (Tuesday)]

good deal. Lawyer up. Good job. Now be careful about her cake eating

Good to see you take control FRK.

Now get your wife onboard with the D.

Push her hard and fast.

Do not allow her to talk separation.

That just allows her to sit on the fence.

Who knows, maybe she will come to her senses.

Probably not.

No matter what remind yourself you deserve better in life than a wife that does not respect you or the marriage.

It really is as simple as that.

Let us know if you speak to the OMW. While it is good to keep control, when you expose the affair in a compassionate, mature way it really throws off the "lovebirds".

It will send another dose of reality their way....

It will also show them what self respect looks like.

Keep moving forward. Take over the master bedroom.

Continue to be the man, father and leader of your family!

HM

FRK,

Looks like you are in control now so congratulations.

I guess you will find out shortly if your wife is in Disneyland and if OM will divorce his wife to be with her. Not sure I would bet the ranch on it and that when push comes to shove he will probably throw her under the bus.

Great move in telling her its decision time. She obviously wants to buy more time for you to be in limbo until she figures out how to continue to be with him .

She has a good job now. Unless you are convinced you are staying with her, I wouldn't care where she works. Not your problem any more if you file. I wojuld not give her the time to see if she can further her career while she lives in the house with you and continues to cheat.

You are too smart to know if she is still telling you she loves him that this ain;t over with her in the same building with him every day. And then in a few months she is off for the summer with all day long free and for you to wonder what is going on.

You made all the right moves. Unusual reaction with OM, but you called it correctly.

her boss

I understand you are worried about her job, and she could well lose it, but if she does then you basically take the company to the cleaners for the action of her boss and the damage to your family and finances.

25 years ago, a business consultant told us that it was a 1 million dollar settlement in such situations. I don't know if that holds true today, but boss-subordinate sex is not a mutually equitable arrangement and subordinates are vulnerable parties as are their families. I never meet with a female subordinate without the door wide open and at least two other people in the office that I can trust.

But, ignore the flaming responses, some people are still raw from their experiences. Heck, I still am periodically and I'm six years out from D-day next week...yeah, that's why I'm up late and typing on a damned PC instead of sleeping next to my wife.

Most important, you don't have to make any decisions on anyone else's time frame. Your children should come first, you second, and to hell with what anyone else thinks.

Trust me when I say that every BS knows the anguish, and also trust me when I say that you will get a lot of good advice here, as well as some bad, and only you will know what to apply to your own situation.

In my case, the other BS did not tell me, and 9 years passed after a brief affair, until my marriage had foundered, my wife was becoming unwound, and I was thinking I was going to have to divorce my wife, move out of the home, close my business, and start over in some nearby city. Only to find out that the problem was not me.... You can read my profile for more.

I don't know what might have happened if the other BS had told me at the time, my wife was so messed up psychologically at the time she might have committed suicide, and she became suicidal a year after her real confession 10 years out. But, you are not responsible for anyone but yourself and the children. Do what you have to do.

I have reservation as to whether those were tears of shame and remorse. My guess is OM knows you now have his nuts in a vice and could blow up his world at any moment, he's scared of your power. He truly doesn't want to lose his family, your WW was just a plaything on the side who was willing.

I'm really glad you got what you wanted out of the meeting. It's nice to hear of something working out for a BS the way they want/need.

Was OM asking you for anything? Did you get any useful information?

Even if he hadn't cried, it made me feel better and like I'm taking control of my life. So I get that it's not for everyone, but it was right for me.

I'm glad it worked for you. Wanted to make sure the talk didn't make you back pedal telling his wife, because if it did he got what he wanted out of the meeting.

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:35 AM, March 9th (Wednesday)]

She has a good job now. Unless you are convinced you are staying with her, I wouldn't care where she works. Not your problem any more if you file. I would not give her the time to see if she can further her career while she lives in the house with you and continues to cheat.

I do care where she works, b/c if she has a better job, I have to pay less in child support and alimony. My kids will be better off too. If we didn't have kids, my attitude might be very different.

I understand you are worried about her job, and she could well lose it, but if she does then you basically take the company to the cleaners for the action of her boss and the damage to your family and finances.

25 years ago, a business consultant told us that it was a 1 million dollar settlement in such situations. I don't know if that holds true today, but boss-subordinate sex is not a mutually equitable arrangement and subordinates are vulnerable parties as are their families. I never meet with a female subordinate without the door wide open and at least two other people in the office that I can trust.

I don't think a lawsuit would work. (I do that type of law). I can guarantee that if called, she would testify that it was mutual and she will try to protect him. After I got back from talking to him, she defended him up and down and said it wasn't his fault. She'd never agree to sue him.

And BTW you are smart to meet female subordinates with the door open and witnesses.

I have reservation as to whether those were tears of shame and remorse. My guess is OM knows you now have his nuts in a vice and could blow up his world at any moment, he's scared of your power. He truly doesn't want to lose his family, your WW was just a plaything on the side who was willing.

That's certainly possible. Actually I'm sure that is at least part of it. I'll probably never know how much. My read was that he was genuinely ashamed but who knows.

OM is obviously more important to her than you, the M or her kids well being. File.

Was OM asking you for anything? Did you get any useful information?

No he didn't ask for anything. I told him up front that I didn't care what he had to say. He snuck in a few I'm sorry's. That's it. Really, I wouldn't have believed anything he told me. I assume if he's desperate to save his family/job he'd say anything.

Wanted to make sure the talk didn't make you back pedal telling his wife, because if it did he got what he wanted out of the meeting.

I was on the fence about telling her before the meeting and still am. It didn't influence me one way or the other. You all have made any good points about that. I just need to think that one through some more.

OM is obviously more important to her than you, the M or her kids well being. File.

Yep.

So just out of curiosity, how long was it b4 you guys felt ready to date someone else again? I'm sure it's different for everyone.

Good for you man!! Take control back! If you are heading down the D path, use the exposure as leverage to get joint/shared custody and no alimony / child support. that's what i did.

I started dating before while i was seperated but wasn't really ready.

once my D was final, i put the pedal to the medal and it's great!! :D

[This message edited by Nighthawk999 at 9:14 AM, March 9th (Wednesday)]