SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"He is nothing to me".

"The strange thing is I don't feel threatened by this other man. Aesthetically I'm much better looking, people consider me attractive. That's not just a toot my horn but I just been told on multiple occasions that's just how it is".

"So honestly I can get past that".

Sorry to say this but you're so far off here. This ISN'T a pissing contest or who has the bigger unit. "He is nothing" to you, but obviously he is something to your wife so much so she's in his bed right now. You need to wake the F UP!!!!!!!!

IMHO -if you can let her go that will be best decision at this moment. Plenty of fish out there dude , why focus on this one ?

Wtf guys. I know it happened. I accept that it may even happen tonight. Am i so wrong and stupid to not just try for one more month? What kind of man would I be not to try to bring back the love of my life into my arms? Does she deserve me after what she’s done? Hell no but I won’t give up.

I still blame myself for failing her as a man for us to get her to this point. Let’s be perfectly honest, I never sent her flowers. I was on the computer way too much. I let her become disconnected. Does this excuse her, no. But I’m not without my own flaws.

I haven’t listened to any of the advice? That’s because it’s marginally telling me to quit now and to move on because there are other women out there. Is everyone so jaded because it literally never works out? Like honestly does it never fkn work out? I came here to grieve and to get out all of my pain.

I’m not in denial, trust me. When I think about it my stomach turns. But fuck not giving her another chance. I promise if things don’t work out you can all get in your “I told you so’s”. I wonder if the people who have made it work just never came back to post, I refuse not to believe in hope.

If you really want to get on my team, cross your fingers that I can be the exception. Even if you’ve seen it all done before or heard it a thousand times just wish me good luck. Please. That’s what I need right now.

I think the point everyone is trying to make is you can't make her do anything.

She has to do that.

Until she comes to that realization if she ever does nothing you're trying has historically worked.

I have read the post and man I am feeling for you. Your wife is going to tear your heart. She wont honor the no contact. She will continue her affair and cry, which she knows will soften your heart. Praise you for being so kind to her and then continue her affair. I understanding wanting to save your marriage. I know I wanted to save mine. And it is possible. But not if she is actively in her affair. He has to honor the NC. She has to end the affair and to agree to never see OM again. But I don't think she will. You want this to work. I pray that it can. But be realistic about the situation. I am praying for you.

The first test will come when you get back together.

If you ask for, and she gives, full transparency (the usual stuff, phone, emails, social media, etc) and accountability, you will have a better chance of R. Also check if she has another phone.

If the request is denied, then you know it will definitely not work out, and you would be wasting your time, and we will see you back here agreeing to the 'I told you so's that were given.

Good luck! You will need it.

If you ask for, and she gives, full transparency (the usual stuff, phone, emails, social media, etc) and accountability, you will have a better chance of R.

Bingo! This^^^

IHF, RR's point is a great one. Do not be afraid to request this of your WW, it may spare you a full 4 week lead-up to being crushed all over again. If she's being sincere, she should not refuse to grant full transparency.

Thank You for your service.

Am i so wrong and stupid to not just try for one more month?

Yes, to keep it short. Your goal here is to get back with your WW at any cost. It should be to get out of infidelity.

You are not unique, see that 60,985, under your user name. There is a script, although it sounds counter-intuitive what gets you out of infidelity and the best chance at saving your marriage is the advice you've been given here. Following that advice is up to you, take what you can use and leave the rest but the basics are there.

Here is what is going to happen with you going back to her and given her a month to decide: she is going to be in contact with POSOM every day, she is going to fence-sit and vacillate between you and POSOM. In a month you are still going to be in infidelity, your story has played out here hundreds of times.

But Good Luck.

ETA: sorry for that emoji at the top, just plain careless.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 11:04 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]

Ugh.

I will still file for divorce then during the one month “reset.”

Maybe I can get something in writing to give me the house. During our phone call she said I could have it, but I need a way to get it in writing since both our names are on the lease. Any advice on that?

I’m not going to lie to you guys, the first thing that she did was she admitted she slept with him last night. Open till that point there had been no physical contact like that. She has been pretty honest with me in those regards.

She's minimizing.

Read hundreds of messages and the very last ones were about how she went to meet him that night while we were sleeping and confessing feelings for one another. I'm not happy.

I confront her about it and she says sorry, that she does have feelings for him. I ask her why and she says common interests. She can't help it. I told her it's not cool and asked if she would stop talking to him as much, what she is doing is basically emotionally cheating on me and I feel betrayed. She agrees and we go to sleep.

The next morning she leaves at 12pm to think about things and comes back at 11pm. She went to the bar and her and her coworker kissed. She apologized. I asked why and she said she likes him she can't help it. We talk but I can't get her to tell me what I can do to make this stop, that I love her and want to work on our marriage. It's too late, she says. She doesn't love me anymore. She asks me not to make say it but I begrudgingly do. Right to my face, she doesn't love me anymore.

How did things turn so quickly? She's gone now, she left that night to presumably go to the coworkers after telling me she didn't love me and nothing could fix it, no matter how much I pleaded I would do anything to be the man she fell in love with. But no. She wouldn't budge.

She's been hooking up with this guy before "last night" man!

But fuck not giving her another chance. I promise if things don’t work out you can all get in your “I told you so’s”. I wonder if the people who have made it work just never came back to post, I refuse not to believe in hope.

You already gave her at least two and she ripped your heart out and shat on it. You don't give her another chance, that needs to be earned.

Call it the 180 or whatever you want. You need to figure out how to detach from her. That is the only way to save this.

Read this from forum member wincing_at_light.

---------

A big part of what galls betrayed husband's over time is the sense that their wife got one over on them, that she has access to all of this secret information, and he can never have it. He's supposed to become Mr. Emotional Transparency and a surrogate female BFF so she never feels unfulfilled again and gets the Best. Marriage. Evar., and thus be content because she's not going to cheat on that. LOOK AT HOW MUCH HAPPIER WE R NOW THAT YOU DO EVERYTHING I WANT AND R SO AFRAID OF MY WILD SNOG-SEEKING VAGINA THAT YOU WILL NEVER DARE FAIL!!!!

Which, of course, ignores the fact that most of us were pretty decent husbands in the first place. This is one of the major issues I have with most infidelity recovery philosophies. They imply that the betrayed husband must clean up all of his shit, every mean thing he ever said, every insensitive thing he ever did and convert himself into the emotional version of Fabio in a way that precisely fits his wife's taste...and her job is to stop fucking other people. As if her fucking other people was the only thing she ever did wrong in the marriage, while everything he did was wrong. People conveniently forget that for every wayward spouse out there with a list of grievances for their spouse's failures, there is a betrayed spouse who has been married to that wayward spouse who has a list of grievances JUST AS LONG that we accepted, tolerated and loved them through in exactly the way they did not accept, tolerate and love us. Instead, our shit became the legitimate fuel to justify their behavior.

Hello goose, meet gander. If you make me pay for everything I've done wrong, which you have by fucking other people as a way of dealing with it, then you've stated definitively that the way relationships should work is that people make others pay for their failures. No double standards. Either that, or we have to agree that I have now paid in full for everything I've ever done wrong, and for the rest of our married life, you have to shut the fuck up about it, because I've paid. It's not my fault if your method of exacting payment didn't work for you. You can't expect me to pay twice.

Which is a really long way around of saying by focusing on you, on what makes you happy and what gives your life meaning outside of the marriage, is a really good start. I was so sick of reading about relationships, about marriage repair, about understanding love-fucking languages, knowing your wife's menstrual cycle, understanding her FOO, blah, blah, blah, by about a year out, I was ready to join a monastery. Or get an 18 y.o. girlfriend who wasn't old enough yet to realize how fucked up she was by being human. Toss up, there.

Instead, I went back to grad school for fun. Wrote a couple of novels. Decided I could play video games if I wanted. Finally bought MLB Extra Innings so I could watch all the baseball I wanted. In other words, I invested my energy in finding out what brought me happiness instead of burning myself out trying to figure what would make her happy, and thus make my marriage a safe place.

Because one thing I learned: when you like yourself and you like your life, one part of it (like your marriage) going into the shitter doesn't take away your joy from the rest of it. It gives you the objectivity to decide what you want to keep in your life and what you can excise because it's become more trouble than it's worth.

It is infinitely better to be married because you want to be there but don't have to be than to feel like you can't imagine a future where you're not married to this person. Working on you is a way of preventing those sorts of failures of imagination.

And working on you is not fixing those things your wife has identified as problems with you. What the fuck does she know? This is a woman who handles life's curveballs by doing impersonations of the Holland Tunnel with her vagina. She is not qualified to diagnose other people's dysfunctions, let alone yours, whom she has identified as someone who is worth, or deserves, to be traumatized and punished for all the things she doesn't like about you.

You work on the shit you want to make better about yourself. Maybe you want to learn how to shoot automatic weapons. Maybe you want to study knife fighting or get some cool ninja-hacking skills. Maybe you realize that you're not assertive enough in the workplace and need to work on speaking up for yourself. We've all got a list of things we'd like to try out, to see if the destinies fit, but we put them on the back burner once we got married, because we didn't think our spouse could handle something so radically different. Guess what? Now is your time to explore those things. What's she going to say? "Who you're becoming makes me feel scared and helpless, like I don't know (how to control) you anymore?"

Guess what, I had all of those feelings from you fucking other men, and I had to grow up and deal. Welcome to the adulthood club. You should be getting a beanie and vest in the mail shortly.

We're six years out. Happily married. My wife has done a ton of work on herself. I might get into that later.

You heal. Life goes on.

Feels,

Look brother, no one here is rooting against you. You've been dealt the shit sandwich here. I understand that. You understand that. I get what you're saying and I get what you're trying to do. I guarantee you that nearly everyone who has been cheated on, unless maybe those who actually walk in on their cheating spouse in the act, feel like maybe they can try to give it another chance. That maybe it was just a mistake and it's not worth throwing everything away.

I felt the same way. Unfortunately, like you, I was willing to try and look past the infidelity. I was willing to try, because otherwise, " what was it all for"?

The problem with all of this, is that you have to have two people who are 100% committed to trying. As another poster said, you are in the denial stage. This is all so new to you. You've been ripped apart by her shitty decision and you don't want to just give up.

You have to understand something: she's given up. She's broken the marriage. SHE chose to sleep with someone, to forsake your vows to be with you "for better or for worse". None of this, and I mean absolutely NONE of it is your fault. She made this decision. No amount of computer time, or ignoring her needs or being a "bad husband" FORCED her to cheat. She could've done anything, literally ANYTHING else but that. She owns that, not you.

She has to be willing to fix it. This is ALL on her. It's nearly impossible to get a CS to figure this out while still engaged in communication with her A partner. When women sleep with a man, there is an emotional connection. They cannot simply break it off. I've heard stories of CS who refuse to sleep with their husbands because it would "feel like she was cheating on the OM". I mean, what kind of craziness is that?!?

It's all still new to her. She is deep in the affair fog at this point. You have to snap her the fuck out of that fog to get her to understand what she is doing and what she has done to you. By you trying to nice her back, it's not gonna work. She's emotionally invested in this new guy. She will snap out of it eventually. It's just a matter of if you will be there when she does.

Your wife needs a kick in the ass. She needs CONSEQUENCES. Something to snap her out of her fog. Divorce papers usually do the trick. Exposure is the other big one. Expose to everyone, family, friends, maybe her HR department at work (who I'm sure would frown upon this sort of thing). Make it REAL to her. This is fairy tale land for her right now.

We are rooting for you. However you have to realize that we're not jaded, we just have seen this same song and dance for years and know how the story goes. It's usually pretty typical. I can tell you that the MAJORITY of the time in your case, given what you are explaining, there is a high likelihood that this isn't going to end well. I hope you are the exception. I want you to be the exception. To rub it in MY face and tell me that I was wrong. I have just seen this too many times to be convinced that your situation is different.

No matter what, it's your life brother. Live it the way you want. We're here for you either way.

IHF-

Calling the 6 pages of support you have received jaded is incorrect. Posters have tried to inform and help you. Mostly that your wife is actively in an affair and that you cannot negotiate Reconciliation in good faith with someone who is still lying and with the OM.

No one has dismissed your pain or the horrific situation you are in. We've told you that rationalization and capitulation with a cheater will not be successful. Not because it gives people joy to tell you to divorce your dirty slutty wife but because you can't move into R with someone whose marginal commitment came on a FaceTime call while she was living with OM.

We've advised you to go NC until she leaves the OM. To focus on yourself. You are going to walk your path as we've all done. Support doesn't mean we pat you on the back while you stroll into a mine fielld saying you got this cause you love your wife.

Fact is that we'll be around to try to help as long as you come back. Not because we love the car wreck or want to shame you into doing things the perfect way. But because we've been there. And we've been witness to 1000s of others roll into JFO with the same attitude and perspective. And we have been witness to a lot of painful journeys that end up in the same place.

You can't R alone. NC, full transparency and honesty are the threshold. I hope you get there. But I can't say that the words you spoke today meet those requirements. I understand your need for hope and positivity.

No one has a crystal ball. If you think that today was the opportunity to get a foothold to build toward R, those of us with experience just want you to tred carefully. Wishing you well

[This message edited by redrock at 11:08 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]

I respect your choice but the thing about our choices is that they can change our life, either in a good or bad way. Something we can't foresee when we make the choice. The good or bad about choices is, no matter what, we have to live with the consequences. Be prepared for both and remember, those consequences can pop up even years latter. I know this to be true. I do wish you well.

PLEASE listen to the advice people are giving you. Like others have said, your story is not unique. We've read through hundreds if not thousands of stories like yours collectively over the years. Most of the people here have been in your shoes.

Like someone said, your goal should be to get out of infidelity. A common quote you will see here is "In order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it".

Right now you're playing the pick me dance, trying to instaforgive, and nice your wife back into the marriage. All of these things cause your wife to lose even more respect for you. Because her respect was already low enough for her to cheat on you, but acting like your wife's toilet paper after she's already shit on you is not going to make her want to come running back. It just makes you look even less desirable, and the man she is with more so.

Consequences, are your best chance of having your wife realize the mistake she's making. Not being Prince Charming. The only thing having two guys fighting for her will do is feed her ego. And like I said, it won't increase her respect or desire you.

File for divorce as soon as you can, start the 180, you should also limit contact to the subject of divorce, finances, marital property, and children (if any are involved) until it sounds like she's pulling her head out of her ass.

Expose to family and friends if you haven't already. Take care of yourself, eat well, stay away from alcohol, try to keep yourself busy.

These things might wake your wife up enough to make her realize what she has to lose. But if she knows no matter what she does she has her faithful Plan B (at this point that would be you) ready and waiting for her to come back like a lost puppy, she's going to do whatever she wants no matter how badly it hurts you.

Your wife is fucking another man. It doesn't matter what he looks like or what he has or doesn't have to offer her. I don't care if he's unemployed, living in his parents basement, plays World of Warcraft all day, and is 100 lbs overweight. Right now she chooses him over you. You need to start getting angry and take your wife off the pedestal. Doesn't mean love her less, but fighting for your marriage doesn't mean you have to tip toe around and be a doormat.

Not trying to come down on you, but this is going to be one of the most painful and difficult things you will ever go through. You have to play hardball to get what you want, whether it's R or D. Because you currently are making a lot of mistakes in your approach. Not saying this because I'm bitter and angry, but because I've seen what happens to men who do things the way you are right now. It never works out.

[This message edited by JS84 at 11:36 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]

It worked out for me....7 years this February...the 12th....5:30AM

what I found that worked for me is my old lady chased after me.

I didnt ask for a thing, just wanted out from the hugest pain I ever felt from the women that cuased it.

My old lady gave up everything and she never once asked me to give it month, or give me our house...none of it.

Hell I was even offed a hall pas as long as I kept her around.

IDK man...after getting kick in the balls like she did to you....She should be the one hold the ice bag on your sack.

On positive note your old lady didn't piss and moan about you moving back in.....so you have that going for your.

Just curious....since she offered you the house I'm guess she moves out next time?

I'm hoping you get lucky and this guy sucked in bed. This way she can tell her crappy lover that her busband is moving back and she can't see him again.

One more thing you better be getting laid a lot when you get back!

If not then kick her out in like 7 days and tell you meant dog months not real months.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 11:53 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]

Like you said in your first post...."if you both can survive 2 weeks with out power you can survive anything".

Maybe you guys can survive 2 weeks of infidelity?

You don’t believe it but we are on your team. I promise you.

How is this one month going to work? Every 10 days she leaves his bed and comes to an MC session with you? Is she going to come home and give you open access to all her communication methods? You can’t work with someone who is pining away for another man.

You can be happy again some day, either without her or with her in a new marriage where you BOTH have worked hard for years on yourselves and your marriage for several years. It will be a new marriage because the old one where you were both faithful is unfortunately now gone.

Friend unless you are seeing the person below in front of you begging to work on your marriage R will not be successful. That is why we say to take the steps to work on you and get yourself out of this infidelity. You cannot control of this person will show up or not. You can only control yourself.

......

I believe You currently no where near have a remorseful wife in front of you. If you did, you would know it.

- She would be inconsolable with the thought of how she was the cause of so much pain to the person she loves most in the world.

- she would be begging to know what she could do to make it right.

- for you she would want to let everyone know it was her that screwed up, not you.

- she would want to read books on how to support her BS. She proactively orders them and starts reading. She actively discussed what she is reading

- she would be in IC as much as possible to figure out what went wrong with her and how she could do this to the person she loves most in the world. She proactively schedules this for herself and also proactively asks her therapist for IC recommendations for you to help you deal with the pain she has caused.

- she would feel your pain more than her own and put your happiness ahead of hers.

- she will gladly answer your questions at any time day or night with no objections

- she would write you a letter of apology highlighting how she must have made you feel

- she would focus most on your well being, ignoring her own

- she would realize what the OM really is and start being sick at the thought of him/her. She would start calling him/her names like POS for how he helped her destroy her life.

- They show remorse thru actions, not words. Examples of this could be that they proactively prepared a written timeline of what happened and are as thorough and factual as they can be.

- Other examples are: They book a polygraph when you are available to attend. And they buy a GPS tracker for their car so they can give you peace of mind. They sell something of value to only them to pay for these things so the cost doesn't come from your joint funds (e.g. Collectibles or jewelry or exercise equipment).

If they are only showing Regret and not Remorse then they will only be giving you words, not actions: e.g. "I'm so sorry. But you can trust me now. I promise you I've told you the whole truth: e.g. "You can trust me now. I love you. It didn't mean anything. I know I messed up - do you forgive me? I was so stupid, but I've learned from my mistakes. It's in the past now and we can move forward. I love you more now than I ever have. I promise it will never happen again, can we move on?"

Finally. THE EFFORT PUT INTO RECONCILIATION! If the betrayer doesn't work harder at repairing the relationship than they did to damage it, it isn't going to work no matter if you stay together or not. They need to be working harder at R than you are.

You're playing the pick me game.

You made a deal with your wife to stop seeing and having sex with her boyfriend.

You made a deal to take one month out, in that one month here's what you won't be doing, being tough on her, discussing why she did what she did, there being a real consequence for her actions, why because it's a one month deal and she knows after she can go back to banging the OM as she likes.

You're most likely to try to nice her back to try and win her back. Your fatal mistake is that you're a nice guy.

Your wife knowingly slept with the guy before talking to you, probably is with him now and you've forgiven her, so what incentive does she have to change when she doesn't really respect you or the marriage?

Nice guys finish last. You're not the bigger man in this by trying to be the understanding one, you'll just be the less respected one by her because she gets to sleep with her boyfriend and you reward her with flowers.

You seem to love her a whole lot more than she loves you.