SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone else think I should tell her immediately, or should I wait it out?

Immediately if not sooner.

Do you want the affair to be able to continue? If your answer is yes, then do not tell the other betrayed spouse.

Do you want the affair to come to a screeching halt? If your answer is yes, tell the other betrayed spouse. No one has a grip on the OM's balls like his wife. All she needs to do is tighten her grip and twist. But she can't do that without the information you have.

Plus, wouldn't you want to know? Even though it's painful, it's more painful living a lie.

I contacted the AP's commanding officer (CO) today, and he confirmed that the AP is in his unit, he is in fact deploying for 10 months, starting today

That's going to be a loooong 10 months. Maybe the first mail he receives will be a Dear John letter.

So how do you help a drug addict?

You need to stop this way of thinking. This is nice guy behaviour, knight in shining armour, she's not a drug addict, she's in an affair fully cognisant that she's stepping on your heart and nuking your marriage.

She's not a naughty girl, this is not an accident or a mistake. Treat her like an adult making decisions that bear consequences or else drug A can be replaced by drug B or any number of willing men who can replace the OM.

Yes, I see your point, and you may be right. But if I provide her the evidence at a later point, she can't deny it can she? I'm just weighing whether it's worth doing that immediately, or waiting to see how things play out with my wife and the AP now that his commanding officer knows. But yes, she definitely deserves to know, and my wife does deserve to be fired. She is not paid to destroy her students' lives, just as the AP is not paid by the military to destroy lives. Anyone else think I should tell her immediately, or should I wait it o

You'd be amazed at what your wife's boyfriend will be able to do over the next few weeks until you've done something. So yes, she can deny evidence. I can point you to many hundreds of threads here where it has happened.

By I'm not looking to dispute this. The reality here is that you need to get out of infidelity so that YOU are in control. Right now she controls everything. Even with the military informed he's going to, at most, receive a demotion (that his wife will hear happened because of something dumb, of course).

The OBS is the one that you need to talk to because she is the only one that can do anything about this. That's not even getting into all of the other reasons -- with the largest being that you are the only human in the world who can help out this poor woman who is probbaly waiting for her husband to get back from a ten month deployment only to then be let down. You're the *only* one who can help her. But even from a selfish standpoint it's an absolute no-brainer.

Please, if you don't believe me allow me two hours to link 500 threads here that cause THIS VERY ACTION to be the turning point in their infidelity.

Damn....lots has happened. I worked a few 16 hr shifts and missed a lot.

Looks like you've taken the advice given here, and that's awesome!

As far as waiting on telling the OBS, and how she can't deny evidence if you wait to show her. We've had it happen here SO MANY TIMES, where the AP warned his wife in advance, and when the exposure finally comes, the OMW refuses to meet, demands that the BH stop contacting her or she'll call the police, etc, etc.

So yes,the quicker you tell her, the better.

In the meantime, I think I may actually pray that the OM used his government AMEX to pay for your wife's flight. :-D

[This message edited by GoldenR at 3:37 PM, November 30th (Thursday)]

Inform OBS asap.

In my situation, the affair partner's spouse found out about the A, did not inform me, and the consequences of his inaction were devastating to both marriages.

She deserves to know. Please don't allow her to be me.

You all are making really convincing arguments. Ok, I think I might go try to find her today after work. I also found her on Facebook, so I could message her and try to meet. My only dilemma now is whether to try remaining anonymous and not using my name/my wife's name. Or tell her everything. I know she deserves to know that her son's teacher is involved, but for purposes of protecting my financial interests in case my wife is fired, can I leave this out and still have the same desired outcome? If my wife is too far gone and never comes to her senses, will I regret getting her fired? Sounds like some of you have seen this same scenario play out many times, so I'm curious to know how this usually goes down. I can still give the OBS the evidence of the affair, and just not include the names... Maybe a horrible idea, and I'm not considering it to try to protect my wife's job--but to protect myself. You guys have not led me astray yet, so if this is completely stupid, please let me know!

Again....

Consult with an attorney. See what they have to say about getting her fired before the D is final.

Sharkman is correct. YOU need to get out of infidelity and it’s going to be YOUR actions that get you there.

Look – a lot of advice offered here on SI is more based on wishful thinking than real-world reality.

Frankly exposing your wife’s affair to the school-board won’t necessarily wreck her career (unless this is a religious school or has a written policy that covers infidelity). They are both consenting adults, the affair did not take place in the school, it did not disturb her work… She is allowed a personal life and she hasn’t broken a law.

Had she been caught in flagrante with OM in the science lab by her class it would be a totally different situation. But a discreet affair and a divorcing woman… no…

It might factor in if she’s hired on a yearly basis or temporarily, but it’s not likely a ground for a legal termination.

Same with the military. Since she isn’t military nor a military wife then no – the military will not discipline the OM. Google it. His superior would not order him to end it because his superior isn’t allowed to give such personal orders. The superior could warn him that his actions might be a distraction or disrespectful for the uniform, but that’s probably about it. Chances are he will be given an informal talking to and told to clean up his act.

I am not trying to rain on your parade. I am keeping it real. If you think exposing to school or the military will solve your problems then you will be in for a disappointment.

But…

EXPOSE! Let his command know, but then let them do whatever they want to do with that info. Don’t wait for it and don’t hold your breath.

The time and time again proven tool to end infidelity is reality.

Nothing brings reality faster than exposure.

However, you expose carefully and with purpose. You don’t do so in a harmful way and you stick to truth.

When asked then use words along the lines of:

My wife is having an affair and won’t end it; therefore, the marriage is dead. If she were willing to end the affair I might be willing to work towards reconciliation, but I absolutely refuse to share her with another man. While the affair is active divorce is the only option”.

You can add to this

“I am sharing this with you because I think she is throwing away our marriage and harming our family. I don’t think she is thinking this properly through and I would appreciate any support you could give her or our family in this situation.”

I for one would use the complete text when exposing to the school principal, parents and close friends.

Regarding insurance and finances: You guys are divorcing, right? Well… divorce is a lot like a job-termination. If you quit your job I guess your work-provided insurance would quit too. It’s the same with her. It’s not revenge or being nasty, but make the affair and its consequences clear:

“Since we are divorcing then you will drop off my insurance. That will take place on XXX day so I strongly suggest you make arrangements before that time”.

Same with finances, credit-cards, cars… Be realistic. A year from now – if this does end in the Big D – you two won’t be sharing cars. You won’t be changing her oil. You two will probably be doing your mutual best to co-parent yet at the same time avoid each other’s company.

Deal with everything from a point of reality because that’s what’s going to wake her up.

Edited to add:

YES!!!! Tell OBS NOW. NOW!

Like….. NOW!

[This message edited by Bigger at 4:03 PM, November 30th (Thursday)]

This:

YES!!!! Tell OBS NOW. NOW!

Like….. NOW!

Why are you not? Your reasoning is weak. Just follow all the advice you are being given...NOW...

Don't FB the OBS. Who knows, he might have her FB acct. passwords.

One guy on SI found out where the OBS worked and went to her work right at closing time. The OBS was shocked but thanked him so much.

Also, on SI you can go to Investigative Forum and ask someone to call OBS.

You can also pay a PI a couple hundred dollars or less to contact the OBS. If anything, as around for recommendations and just give them a call.

Keep pushing forward in reality.

Your ww thought this fairy tale was going to be like floating on a cloud. HELLO REALITY. Good for you!

I think if I would have exposed my WS to his work, he might have been reprimanded, maybe lost his job, but he probably would have seen what the affair cost him& the kids and might have gotten help once he was alone with no job.

Really, telling the OBS is the only way to have 2 sets of eyes on the situation. Logically, your WW pursued him, I'm thinking he's not going to give up his Military career, 3 kids to then have to pay child support on, maybe alimony to his W. for a woman he's prob known since school started in Sept.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:13 PM, November 30th (Thursday)]

So the therapist said that life was too smooth for WW so she was drawn toward a forbidden fantasy. She can't end it because who wants to give up an exciting fantasy for a good but regular daily life? ... My concern with this theory is if she will ever be able to settle for a good daily life or will be looking for the next fantasy fix.

The plan is to blow up their fantasy world. While I am please you contacted the commanding officer and have started that ball rolling be prepared to feel like nothing is happening. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors but as the BS the command will not be contacting you with updates regularly. He will tell OM to stop. OM will say they stopped. WW will say it ended but... since you are separated you will question it.

Yes, thank you for reminding me about the 180. I do need to stay calm and straight to the point when she confronts me about it. I will just refuse to engage--not answer her calls and texts, or tell her exactly what you said: she left the marriage and forfeited her right to discuss anything. I am doing what is right for myself and my daughter.

Also, use conversations stoppers like: I'm sorry you feel that way. You don't want the conversation to escalate and she will be talking complete rubbish because she is mad.

I'd consider getting a VAR and having it on you when you two are together. Too many members have gotten fake DV orders thrown at them by vindictive WW. You might think she would never do this but... you didn't think she would cheat either.

How badly will her getting fired hurt you financially? You've only been married for 5 years and your wife has been working a full time job most of that time... very surprised the lawyer told you that you would have to pay any alimony if your WW got fired. I know states are different.

What normally happens if you wait too long to tell the OBS is that the OM is able to make you out to be a lunatic. "The husband at our DD school is making accusations to my command that I was hitting on his wife." He is completely crazy, if he calls you hang up. At that point you have no chance at getting the truth to her.

Really look at your reason for not telling the OBS. If it's so that your wife will remain unscathed making it easier to reconcile - that's not going to help you in the long run. She could easily do it again. If it's because you know you are going to divorce and it will be a huge financial hit... you can wait until after the divorce to tell.

Casey,

You really just need to talk to her and in a sincere tone let her know that you are a friend and that you are the only person in the world right now who knows this pain.

I understand something anonymous or via Facebook seems ‘cut and dry’ easy. It is. But it’s not effective. Your top goal here is to END your wife’s affair so that you are OUT of infidelity. Done.

You also have the human element. This poor, poor woman isn’t going to know what hit her. You are a standup guy and you do what’s right, not what’s easy. A man is defined by his actions, not his intent. The world is a village and this woman’s well-being is quite literally in your hands. She deserves better than half-measures taken for expediency sake.

If you do Fb message her understand she may not even see it due to restrictions. But if you do reach out that way ask her to call you. You MUST hear her voice to assure yourself it’s not the boyfriend masquerading as her.

Good luck man. We are rooting for you very very hard!

Update. I took everyone's advice, and I just spoke to the OW on the phone (I called her work and tried to meet in person, but she said no). Bad news: it turns out there is no other woman. The AP broke up with his girlfriend of two years about a month ago. She said he did the same routine with her--swept her off her feet, told her they were soulmates, planned their whole future together. Then about a month ago he ended it out of nowhere (because he was in a relationship with my wife by that point). She was devastated at the time, and she was so thankful for my call. She said she was still partially hoping for him to come back from his deployment and come back to her, so now she has closure that she can move on.

The military has record that he is married because he still claims his ex-wife (relationship before the recent girlfriend) as a dependent to provide health insurance for her and his three kids he has with her (which includes the child who is in my wife's class).

The girlfriend also told me that financially, the AP is not well-off, and she had to go into major debt to pay for buying him things and supporting his children, since they all lived together for those two years they were together. She said the military is his only way of making money.

Casey

Great job!

Now remember the feeling of relief and power you probably feel.

This is what happens when you start taking control.

Don’t throw this info onto your wife. Don’t try to get her back based on how faulty OM is. But definitely base your financial decisions on the likely fact that any money she gets might end up supporting OM.

The military has record that he is married because he still claims his ex-wife (relationship before the recent girlfriend) as a dependent to provide health insurance for her and his three kids he has with her (which includes the child who is in my wife's class).

This doesn't seem true to me and if it is then it is fraud. He would be able to keep his children on his insurance but not his ex-wife.If he is reporting that he is still married and she is getting benefits as a spouse of a service member and they are not actually married then they could both be in trouble. Sort of a tangent from your situation but he and his ex are committing fraud or he actually is still married and your WW and this other woman have both been fooled.

I'm so proud of you!

I wonder if he is really still married.

when the reality hits and fog bubble burst stay your course and do not take her back, she treated you very nonchalantly. Make sure your daughter knows who is at fault, WW may be banking on your money though she kick you to the curb without any feelings