SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And we women are people, not conquests that one must piss all over in order to prove that they own it.

Dee I just dont think that piss all over scenario will ever change.

Luckily wh hasnt brought up the brothers.

He does keep asking me if theres anything here I want him to read. I always say nope. It's up to him to do the work, not have me walking him through it...

Lol....I screwed who I wanted how I wanted before I got married. I was safe. Done.

I don't give a flying fuck who he did before he was in a committed relationship with me...I give damn who he screwed after.

It speaks to the fragility of some men to know that his spouse has a sex life before him... but like my shero Dragnheart said...THAT AINT MY DAMN PROBLEM.

It speaks to the fragility of some men to know that his spouse has a sex life before him... but like my shero Dragnheart said...THAT AINT MY DAMN PROBLEM.

Thanks my dear! That put a huge smile on my face.

"Shero" love it!!!

Yup, my frequently unfaithful WH has the audacity to be jealous of a FWB guy I barely dated 20 years ago who is, and has been, in our social circle for that whole time (and has been faithfully married to his wife now for almost as long as me and the WH.) Funny thing is, 20 yrs ago, I chose my WH because I thought he was kind and empathetic, more so than FWB guy. Boy, was I wrong!

What (or who!) we do before our husbands became a part of our lives, is none of their fucking business. And any guy who thinks women should be virgins (but it's ok that men aren't) should grow up.

DragnHeart,

Hes been whining about no sex lately

... reminds me of an Onion headline I glimpsed recently:

“Emotionally distant boyfriend finally opens up about how horny he is.”

Wow, this evolved into quite a thread.

I now just have to add something.

Yup, my frequently unfaithful WH has the audacity to be jealous of a FWB guy I barely dated 20 years ago

My FWS was no frequently unfaithful, but I had a similar experience. She was jealous of a woman that I had a platonic relationship with, and very superficial platonic relationship at that, who when she came to our area of the country visited and stayed with us for a couple of days, while traveling with one of her family members, we reciprocated when we were in her area of the country. I found this out in counseling 17 years later.

WTF?

It had nothing to do with this woman though, it had to do with my FWS's insecurities around women like her who had money, and a lot of money at that, who came from stable family background and had all the things that my FWS would have liked to have had (such as a really super nice house, which we still don't have 20+ years later), and had the appearance of "success". She was actually fearful of this type of person, thinking that they might take away what she did have in some manner.

It had nothing to do with this woman though, it had to do with my FWS's insecurities around women like her who had money, and a lot of money at that, who came from stable family background and had all the things that my FWS would have liked to have had (such as a really super nice house, which we still don't have 20+ years later), and had the appearance of "success". She was actually fearful of this type of person, thinking that they might take away what she did have in some manner.

Another example of viewing ones worth by an external force instead of within.

What (or who!) we do before our husbands became a part of our lives, is none of their fucking business. And any guy who thinks women should be virgins (but it's ok that men aren't) should grow up.

As much as things have changed I can see theres still so much more to be done. And it starts with how we teach our children. My boys will be taught to respect woman not use them and my girls will be taught not to take any shit from anyone, make or female.

“Emotionally distant boyfriend finally opens up about how horny he is.”

Wh has joked that men have two states of being. Hungry and horny. So if hes just had sex better make him a sandwich..

I know a few who coukdnt give a rats ass what their SO did before they hooked up.

Well, then it seems like the thing to do is work on finding a man who couldn't give a rats ass what their SO did before they hooked up, and move on from or break up with any man that does.

You said yourself you know a few men who are like this so it shouldn't be that hard to find one.

It sounds like "couldnt give a rats ass what their SO did before they hooked up" is a quality in a man that is much more important to many women than they care to admit to.

In fact, I would say that "couldnt give a rats ass what their SO did before they hooked up" is probably in the Top 5 qualities in a man that many women look for.

If that's the case, then WTF is wrong with asking the man the following question during one of the first few dates:

Do you give a rats ass what someone you are dating did with someone else before you hooked up?

If his answer is an immediate "NO", then he's probably a safe bet.

If he hesitates or answers "Yes", then he's probably not a safe bet and it's better to move on.

Again, life is very, VERY short.

Why oh WHY waste precious, priceless time here on earth with someone you are not compatible with?

In fact, I would say that "couldnt give a rats ass what their SO did before they hooked up" is probably in the Top 5 qualities in a man that many women look for.

Appears we hit a nerve...

If that's the case, then WTF is wrong with asking the man the following question during one of the first few dates:

In my case the past was discussed and wh DIDN'T INDICATE HAVING ANY ISSUE WITH MY PAST.

He ONLY began to nag this one point AFTER he had his affairs.

Trying to slut shame me to make him feel better about being a man whore.

Edited to fix spelling

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 7:24 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

It sounds like your WH had some issues with your past that bothered him and didn't feel safe talking to you about it.

Frankly...I can see why he would feel that way from your responses here.

You might want to explore that a bit.

I am not saying the way he handled it was right, because it wasn't...but as a guy who has walked away from a couple of year long relationships after a partner drunkenly bragged about prior sexual exploits that were something I wasn't OK with, I understand...some guys are ok with it, some aren't. Both women were totally shocked when I walked and couldn't believe it. I was shocked that they couldn't understand why I was walking out. So it goes.

If a guy who doesn't care about your past is your standard, find one. You don't have one now.

Good luck with that.

It sounds like your WH had some issues with your past that bothered him and didn't feel safe talking to you about it.

Him not being honest with me at the very beginning is on him. Not me.

And frankly it's really disturbing to see BH defending a WH for trying to slut shame his BW.

Edited to add especially after this wh fucked AT LEAST four other woman....

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 8:27 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

It speaks to the fragility of some men to know that his spouse has a sex life before him...

You're trying to apply female emotions to males.

What if I said, it doesn't matter how many women he spends money on, as long as he doesn't sleep with them? Don't be so fragile.

[This message edited by Sunspot at 8:50 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

Frankly...I can see why he would feel that way from your responses here.

Her responses are because her WH is a cheating jerk who is now trying to slut shame her to make himself look better! That should be pretty damn obvious. He admitted his motivation was to get her going.

It's insane to me that these threads always seem to turn into slut shaming the BS and trying to convince HER (because always directed at women) that her WH is not wrong to be upset about something that happened years before they even met.

Did anybody ever stop and think that maybe these statistics are directly related to the non experienced partner being the one so hung up on their partners past that it ultimately leads to issues like them cheating to try and even the imaginary score, and causing the demise of these relationships used for these stupid statistics?

Holy hell people.

And this?

Second, men will generally be unwilling to accept less than was given to a previous man. Flat out...guys are going to size themselves up against prior partners. Nobody is obligated to do anything but understand that there is not a man on earth who will gladly accept less in the bedroom or in the relationship, than was given to another prior man...especially a ONS or someone who didn't have to put the work in to be there.

GTFO. Nobody is owed absolutely anything about my body regardless of what I have done in the past. NOBODY EVER. If a man can't deal with that, it's really just too damned bad. It's 100% their issue and 100% not mine.

What if I said, it doesn't matter how many women he spends money on, as long as he doesn't sleep with them? Don't be so fragile.

That is not at all the same thing. Doing something before you even met your spouse is not the same as doing something while you're in the relationship.

You're trying to apply female emotions to males.

And this has nothing to do with applying female emotions because not all men have this ridiculous hangup.

[This message edited by landclark at 9:00 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

I had a threesome in college. Freshman year. It was an awful, awkward experience and I felt like shit about myself for days afterwards. Am I obligated to have a threesome with my husband even though it's been over a decade and the memory and thought of it repulses me? Just because I've done it once before?

You're trying to apply female emotions to males

Emotions arent gender specific....geez can we go any further backwards?

Theres ad after ad and public service announcements about how men are committing suicide because of the social bullshit of not being allowed to talk about their emotions. A man is no less of a man if hes fragile, if he cries.

Talk about living in the caveman days.

That is not at all the same thing. Doing something before you even met your spouse is not the same as doing something while you're in the relationship.

Okay, but now what if I said:

"Honey, I know I was a big spender on all these blonde ex girlfriends I had. And I know I still have enough money to spend lavishly on you as well. But I'm not going to."

This sexist shit has to stop. We aren't chattel anymore. Any mature adult understands that their partner lived a life before they met them and had experiences figuring out what they do and don't like.

And it really doesn't matter what you did or do if you marry a cheater. I will never know what is or isn't true, but if my XWH is to be believed , he had more sex partners AFTER we married than before. My count was higher than his. I'd had more experience than he had. He used that like DragnHeart's WH did after DDay. One of his excuses was that he felt insecure that I'd had so much more experience. Now he got everything he could have wanted in the bedroom because I brought all of that experience into our relationship. Nothing got held back. I wish him luck ever finding another wife with more sex drive and willingness to do things. Yet, he cheated away. So he got to metaphorically piss all over me and own everything and a couple of new things and still decided to sleep with a plethora of other people while we were married.

DragnHeart could have been a blushing virgin when she met her WH and he would still have cheated on her as much. The only thing missing would have been that particular excuse. I'm sure then it would have been something about her not having experience. Whatever it takes for it to be the fault of some outside thing that cause him to cheat instead of owning that he has shitty character.

Slut-shaming a BW? Ha, whatever. Had WAP been a song in my club days, I'd have been dancing to "there's some whores in this house" every weekend. I am very grateful that I never lived my life as if some invisible future husband was glaring down upon me when I was a single woman. Had my XWH not been a complete dumbass, he'd have had a lifetime of monogamous adventurous sex in a partner because I embraced my sexuality before I met him. I knew who I was and what I liked and I brought that to the table. That is nothing to shame any woman for, but it's disgusting to see it done here to a BW. Sorry you had to read this shit, DragnHeart.

We should not ascribe a female gender to mentally healthy attitudes this is absolutely a huge disservice to men

In the ancient world a man was a full human being with a penis attached and a woman was a uterus / vagina with some humanity attached peripherally to them. Unless someone plans to build themselves a time machine maybe its best to get rid of unhealthy ancient world speak.

We all have insecurities we can all be jealous but since we are not children we can also temper our jealous thoughts out of respect for ourselves and our partners

My husband ( happy second marriage ) had many healthy long and short relationships with other women before he met me and thank God he did, they taught him important relationship skills and I am the beneficiary of that . Its not my femininity but my sanity that makes me think as much

[This message edited by siracha at 10:30 AM, October 16th (Friday)]