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Cannon, I read your whole thread and am sorry for your pain. Wow, what a ride she's been taking you on!!!

After her recent note and all the 'I love you's' and 'I want to work on us'...then the minute you leave she's back to falsely accusing you and playing with om. She is showing you her TRUTH. SEE IT!!!

She told another dude (possible OM#3 mentioned earlier) that I "choke her in (my) sleep"

CANNON, LISTEN THIS IS SOME SERIOUSLY SICK SHIT!!!! Wow, you BETTER back yourself up with anything you can NOW!!! She is SEEKING TO HANG YOU OUT TO DRY. YOU could LOSE EVERYTHING if she succeeds in this!!!!

YOU CANNOT BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS! NOTHING!!! SHE IS A TWO-FACED LIAR. That's what you're dealing with.

Squiffle has been spot on about your ww all along!!!

Hope you can hold onto your sanity with all the double facing going on with her. She really cannot be trusted at all. Lies, lies, lies spout from her mouth at every turn. She has no sincerity, no remorsefulness, and is continuing to play you and string you along for her purposes, whatever they may be. And they are not good by any stretch.

I am sorry for you and I am concerned for YOUR safety right now. I've been around a long time and have seen some shocking horror stories. I just hope you don't end up as another victim.

I agree - Those kinds of accusation are laying the ground work for legal action, false police accusations, custody challenges, etc.

Damage control is needed. Confront with the false accustions and get her to admit they were all lies on VAR.

Squiffle has been dead on about a lot. I was digging around while she was gone today and found the pre pay. Looked through the history (most has been deleted) and found she called OM#1 back in March, refuting her "I forgot I had it" claim. I'm in the process now of getting the security code so I can look up the activity online.

Like I said, though, don't worry about me. She's not setting up a court case behind my back. I know this 100%. Her shitting on me to her friends is always in response to what I do. It's usually after she's mad or upset with how things are going and needs security from others. I guarantee that's all it is (and I'm NOT excusing it by saying this)

I got this. I'd like some advice on when to bring this latest round of bullshit up, though. During MC Monday? Before then? Wait until next weekend until after the vacation? What do you think?

"head case"

That says it all.

While reading your posts, I feel like I am on a roller coaster - she's crying and begging you to stay, then telling people you're abusive and making plans when divorced. She goes from extreme to extreme.

I honestly don't know how you manage it. I mean, on one side I admire the fact you are weathering it and thinking of your kids. On the other, I think you are nuts for staying and putting up with all of this emotional abuse and insanity.

She sounds like she needs some serious counseling and medication. And the drinking has to stop completely - it messes with mental meds and she goes off the deep end every time she drinks (it seems).

If it were me (and it isn't) I'd call it. It doesn't look like she's going to change. Your kids are better off with one stable home, than what they have now. And maybe a dose of reality and being on her own will shock her into some semblance of normal.

Just my two cents (which is what it is worth).

[This message edited by SurvivingEA at 3:15 PM, July 8th (Friday)]

sent you a pm

I'd wait 'til after the vacation.

Don't ruin it for your children.

They'll be hurting alot later if you do split up.

Like I said, though, don't worry about me. She's not setting up a court case behind my back. I know this 100%. Her shitting on me to her friends is always in response to what I do. It's usually after she's mad or upset with how things are going and needs security from others. I guarantee that's all it is (and I'm NOT excusing it by saying this)

I got this. I'd like some advice on when to bring this latest round of bullshit up, though. During MC Monday? Before then? Wait until next weekend until after the vacation? What do you think?

Just catching up on your thread. Hey, whether you do it before vacation or after -- you need to find your balls and end this.

Why are you doing MC? This person is actively lying to you and manipulating you. There is nothing to save. She isn't doing the work and isn't going to. You're clinging to some false hope and you need to get some serious IC and snap out of it. Save yourself. She is setting you up for some terrible things -- telling people you CHOKED her?

How can you minimize that? You didn't know she was CHEATING behind your back, or had a PRE-PAID cell phone behind your back. How on earth do you NOT know she isn't setting up a legal case behind your back?

Why do you have any confidence in this person at all?

This is a very toxic situation. You need to get out of it. It stops when YOU say it stops. Do what you can to protect your children from this -- and her.

Cannon, Go back a couple pages and re-read my post so I don't have to type it all over again...she needs some SERIOUS professional psychological help!

I'm an old alky and can tell you from experience "cutting down" on the booze is bullshit! OK, she'll "cut down" for a few weeks then right back at it! BTDT!

What scares me even more is how she's setting you up. Her FB and e-mail buddies think you have now gone from "mere" physical abuse to attempting to kill her while she sleeps. I can see it now..."well your honor, he was strangling me in bed and somehow managed to grab the lamp from the nightstand and bash his brains in! Had to hit him 10 times until he lost his grip on my throat! Look, my friends know all about it!

This chick is evil personified! After the vacation with the kids, drop the bomb! She has no intention of changing!

[This message edited by cuckhold at 4:34 PM, July 9th (Saturday)]

Dude....get out now.

period. This is an incapable person. I think you know this.

Cannon,

The alcohol is just one of her many issues...and probably not even the prominent one.

Take it from someone who is just now dealing with an admitting alcoholic---until she admits that she has ZERO control over alcohol---and wants it out of her life entirely---this problem will continue....and will continue to distort her ability to think rationally(which she may not even do when sober).

I know it is easy to say to just cut and run---obviously that is not what you want.

But you have to be realistic here. At best, you are talking about YEARS of intensive therapy---and that is still with a slim chance of success. PLUS, she isn't even in the mindset to want to go all in to help herself....and you can't make her do this.

Are you willing to wait this out for an unknown outcome? Are you willing to expose your children to an unhealthy parental relationship?

You have been extremely tolerant so far---for that I commend you. But action is going to have to be taken soon---for your own personal health.

Compromise on NOTHING.

You are the voice of reason...not her. As shitty as this all is, it is you that has to primarily look for the kid's best interests, because she isn't capable.

Always weigh your options.

First a big HUG.

THen a big 2 X 4 (BIG).

I read your post and my heart aches. I hear someone who is holding on to a woman who has proved time and time again that she cannot keep NC. Hmmm....that should be the end right there.

I hear a woman who needs serious help.

And I hear a family hanging on to the roller coaster for fear of the financial/lifestyle aspects, fear of the impact on the kids and fear of letting go.

I"m thinking about your kids.....do you think staying in this relationship sets a good example for them of what you want for them someday? You don't fight in front of them, but kids are smarter than we think in that they pick up on the moods, they know when there is something going on in the house. Staying in a toxic marriage/situation hanging onto the roller coaster your WW has you all on can't be good for them.

There was a time when I too didn't think I had the strength. I was crumbled up losing 8 lbs per week, losing my hair and unable to get dressed in the AM. Desparately trying to hang onto what we once were, what we wanted.....despite the drama/roller coaster/lies that my WH brought into our lives. I did find the strength eventually and albeit it was tough. But it was a blessed road to weave my way out of that situation. Yes, there will be days you are sad, reminiscince and imagine what it would be like if she could stop cheating, stop drinking, etc.. But you have to think about the drama, the lies....and take care of yourself and your kids. This is NOT a good situation for you and is not a good situation for your kids. Your kids need to know that this is not a relationship you want them to pursue later in life. Be strong for them, show them the path to a healthier you, show them that staying in an unhealthy relationship is not the right path.

Take care my friend. YOU can be strong. It's tough but I know you can do it. Start thinking with your HEAD not your HEART. That was something I constantly had to remind myself of over and over and over again.

[This message edited by gemini_june_20 at 10:08 AM, July 10th (Sunday)]

Well, yesterday I was caught on the computer trying to look up the pay phone's records (Usually I'm much more careful. Bad mistake!)

She said, "Cannon, you don't have to check up on me like this"

To which I replied, "Well, yeah, I think I have to". And came out with the email messages I found. She cried and said that she was just sending a "goodbye" message to OM #1 and #2 apologizing for pulling them into her drama and that she's determined to work on her marriage. I told her that I didn't see those messages, but I saw the rest of the conversations.

She said that I do roll over and put my arm around her neck sometimes during sleep and also push her in my sleep (I have no idea). She said she was "setting the record straight" with that dude by telling him that I did it unconsciously.

She also said she was planning on telling me that she contacted the OM that night after our picnic that evening (I know, ) to, as she said, "Finally get rid of any backup plans in case we didn't work out".

She was very upset that I was angry with her. I reiterated that we really don't have a marriage now, we have "an arrangement", and that I considered all the fb messages I received from her to be complete bullshit.

Since then, she's been very apologetic. Changed her fb profile to a picture from our wedding (our 11 year anniversary is Thursday) and has been very accommodating and attentive.

We shall see how MC goes tomorrow. I still don't think this is settled by a long shot. However it goes, though, I'll say it again. Don't worry about Cannon.

I. Got. This. I've got hand and I'm on top of it, aiight?

(and squiffle, you have a pm from me)

She sounds factually challenged. It seems she only admits what she has to and weaves these crazy excuses into unbelievable stories. I know that deep down you want to believe her, but it sure sounds like BS to me.

Being a teacher.....Your thread is really really hard for me to read not because of your WS but because of you. Staying with your WS is what is and will continue to destroy your kids.

I don't even know what to say. If you want to save your kids you need to get out. and also get some IC to keep you from going back.

She was very upset that I was angry with her.

Yeah, it's really a drag when it gets harder and harder to mindfuck your BS.

Cannon - you don't have a grip on this. You are NOT okay. You telling SI you are okay does NOT make it so.

You're so high on the contact fumes from that gaslighting, I'm surprised you can form sentences.

Everyone here is telling you the truth. You need to get OUT of this. You are doing your children NO favors staying in this M. In fact, you are damaging them by modeling this shit and not taking a hard line.

Quit taking her lines of bullshit. Do you see how little she respects you by even TRYING such obvious lies?

You know what this reminds me of? Seriously. I lived in South Africa for a year during apartheid. Met a cop. He told me that black people liked to take the guns out of his holster and shoot themselves in the back.

She just shot you in the back. And said you did it.

Just another voice echoing the others.

1) I am a teacher too. I am am adult child of an alcoholic, narcissistic, emotionally abusive mother. Your kids aren't helped by staying with a mentally ill parent. Quite the opposite.

2) I stayed with my bi-polar, sex addicted, alcoholic fWH and believed his fairy tales. I doubt that I will ever fully heal. And I truly worry about my adult sons' ability to have healthy lives and relationships.

3) IF I HAD INSISTED ON 12 STEPS, INTENSIVE THERAPY AND SEPARATION UNTIL ISSUES WERE DEALT WITH YEARS AGO, I BELIEVE THINGS WOULD HAVE STOPPED THEN. Instead, I excused, I rugswept, I buried my feelings, and his actions escalated and grew and his (and my) self esteem plummeted with our bank account.

YOU MUST draw the line in the sand. Your boundaries are (gently) only a joke to her. Hard 180! and STRONG boundaries that include new doctor assessment. Her bipolar meds are NOT working. (I'm sure you know by now that grandiosity and hyper-sexuality are common symptoms of out-of-control BP) She needs to be in a 12 step program for drinking AND IMH sex addiction, and know that you WILL D if she doesn't. That is the only thing that got my fWH sober.

I am trying deal with my own issues separately from fWH's. While I am cautiously hopeful that he is securely in R, we here in SI know that to be certain of sobriety is a fool's condition. I have to be strong for me. You will get there too.

Remember wise words someone told me early in my journey. "How do you know an addict is lying? When they open their month."

We are here and supporting you

Cannon, she's going to drop the bomb on you...not the other way around. Regrettably, you are standing at ground zero looking up at the bomb as it's falling instead of preparing for the worst.

So, last night I meet my work friends for our regular movie night. I am able to check her facebook from my phone, so I start spying. She's back to shit talking me to friends and reestablished contact with OM#2.

Some highlights:

I didn't see her first message to OM#2, but his first response back to her started with, "You don't have to apologize to me, you're doing what's best for your family". He indicated he didn't like what was going on, but he'd always be there for her, yada yada. She also said that I "go out all the time" now, and "won't let her" because she "Can't be trusted" (Not true - she just doesn't have any friends to go out with). He told her that I was trying to control her and that I was "Evil" for doing it and that "(He) just hasn't been caught yet".

She told another dude (possible OM#3 mentioned earlier) that I "choke her in (my) sleep" to which he advised that she get proof of my "abuse" and nail me with it.

Here's a new good one too - she was emailing with some chick I don't know and said I was just drinking and eating and getting bigger and bigger (I'm 39, 5-10 and weigh 180 I could stand to lose a few, but I'm not huge). She said she gets compliments all the time because she still looks good for her age (and she does...) and works hard at keeping up her looks (not so, she is a runner, but she's blessed with an incredible metabolism (she's 5-8 and about 110). She eats at least as much as me and drinks 10x the beer I do in a week).

I also saw a conversation between her and a gril from her hometown that knew OM#1 really well and WW seemed to indicate that he called her a "head case" and ran out of her life after she was on her own.

I got home last night and just acted normal. When we went to bed, she asked if something was bothering me because I seemed upset. I said no, and then she sexually attacked me (and, as I've said before, I'm not turning it down )

IMO, continuing to engage her sexually after each discovery of deception and (worse) false charges of abuse is a big mistake and absolutely sends the wrong message.

Cannon, I wish the best for you and your situation, but it's time to wake up. Your wife isn't even trying hard to hide her deception anymore. Each time she's caught, the multitude of lies spewing from her mouth would make Casey Anthony blush.

You are being played, and your wife is beyond any help you can give. I hope you make the right decision, and soon.

[This message edited by Gradient at 1:56 PM, July 11th (Monday)]

Cannon,

For your safety, and that of your children, please GET OUT!!!

I am shaking just reading your thread.

By her telling others you abuse her she is setting you up. No matter what she tells you now it will be denied later. YOU could be in some serious shit down the pike.

Sorry.

She cried and said that she was just sending a "goodbye" message to OM #1 and #2 apologizing for pulling them into her drama and that she's determined to work on her marriage.

Gosh, I've only seen that excuse on SI about a hundred times.

She said that I do roll over and put my arm around her neck sometimes during sleep and also push her in my sleep (I have no idea).

You have no idea because it's NOT TRUE.

She also said she was planning on telling me that she contacted the OM

She sounds like a little kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar, "I was only going to smell it. I wasn't going to eat it. Really!"

If you believe ANY of that crap above, you are in need of help as bad as her. No offense, but she's liar - and not a good one.