SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

*Deep breath* Here it goes:

I found out on Nov 26, 2009 that my WW had been having a text / fb affair with a dude she knew (but never had a relationship with) from high school. I found it out by noticing on her phone that, after a very late night of drinking, she had texted him pictures of her naked chest. After I looked over the phone records the next couple of days, I was devastated to see that it had been going on for three months with hundreds of texts and several pictures.

My wife is clinically bipolar. She was in a tremendously depressive state due to dissatisfaction with her job and the stress of us raising three young kids (and the last kid being a “surprise” that she knew I didn’t want).

Anyway, over the course of the next few months she often gave me the ILYBNILWY speech in some variation or another many, many times. She lied many times about having ended the relationship with OM#1 which I usually caught her doing. I was too Beta and was begging her to stay to work it out for us and for our kids. She finally decided to move out last August. At this point, I knew there was nothing else I could do so I began to come to terms with it. We went to mediation, drew up an agreement, and were waiting to file the agreement with a lawyer to put the process into motion.

Curious thing – after she moved out and we began our trial separation and joint custody, she changes her tune completely. She says she was “in a fog” and felt like she was just waking up and couldn’t live with the damage she’d done. She even broke down mentally at one point and I had to drive her to a mental health clinic (they didn’t admit her, but recommended she see our counselor ASAP).

Finally, we agreed to move back together and not get divorced. She moved back home last November, and though the transition was tough at first, we were settling back in to rebuilding out life.

Then, the bottom started dropping out.

On her birthday, Jan 13 of this year, I checked her phone (I was suspicious and secretly peeped out her passcode) and saw that she had a sexual text exchange with OM#1. After I confronted her about this she began to lie (she didn’t know I’d seen the exchange, but knew I checked the texting online) about the nature of their exchange. When I told her I knew what it was about, she went into shock. She gave me her phone code and all her fb and email passwords the next day as a conciliatory gesture. I accepted this, and once again things calmed down considerable and went back to normal.

Two weeks ago, May 26, the shit hits the fan. I’d noticed that she’d been distant and moody the past week after a trip out of town to her best friend’s house. I asked her about it and she said she was “just tired”. Anyway, that night, she was out with some friends from work and came in late and very drunk and upset. I couldn’t get anything out of her that night, so we just went to bed.

Later that night, I woke up from the rain and headed downstairs to get water. I saw he phone lying out and decided to check it. I found evidence of a PA with OM#2 (another high school friend) from her exchanges. She said that she was worried that she might be pregnant because she was late and he responded, “Don’t worry, I didn’t finish inside you…this happened last time too”

I calmly went upstairs, woke her up, read her the messages and asked if she slept with that guy. She said she had and it happened twice – the previous weekend and last Halloween on one of her best friend visits. I told her as she still had the rental house, she could expect to be moving back in, and then went to bed on the couch, but not before taking out the mediation agreement and literally putting it on the table.

The next day when she was at work, I called the mediator to see if the agreement was still valid, I called the lawyer to check with him, I made a list of what she would take from the house, and I totaled a monetary sum of what she owed me dating back to the separation.

She was very much in shock the next day. I installed a keystroke detector on the computer to see if she was still on fb with the guy. She was. Still sending completely inappropriate messages about the sex they had and that she was “scared” about what would happen (and many “I love you”s in there too). I followed these and copied them into a document for the next few days. Still have it, too.

Here’s what hurt the most, though, and this was also true in some other messages I saw of hers back in January: she mischaracterizes me to others as an abusive monster. She told some people (friends if hers I don’t know) that I “pushed her around” and she had to leave (absolutely untrue). She told OM#2 that I would “beat the shit out of her” if I found out and later, after she saw that I was serious about divorce, she told him “it’s getting bad here – I have to leave soon – he pulled my hair and called me a slut”. LIES! I think this has hurt me more than the actual EA and PA.

Anyway, I froze her out for the next few days. Finally, last Wednesday, she wanted to talk. She finally began showing some remorse about what happened, and I asked her if she still was in contact with OM#2. She said no. I exposed her lie. She had nothing else to say.

Finally, late last week she is tearfully telling me that she’ll have to get a second job, we can’t afford activities or vacations for the kids, etc. I finally asked her what she wanted, and she said she wanted to “work this out”.

I agreed at the time to not go through with a divorce, but it’s100% right now for the kids. We have three, ages 8,6 and 3, and the 8yo had a horrible time with the separation last year. I can’t put my kids through this again. I just can’t. I don’t want them living in a shitty apartment somewhere with us having no money to do fun things for them. Moreover, my wife can’t afford her meds alone and I worry about the kids living with a nonmedicated bipolar mother.

I could really use some thoughts and advice here. Its great to find this forum; its just what I need. I haven’t told anyone about this except my best friend of 30 years. The fact that I feel trapped in this and I can’t talk to anyone is causing me lots of internal rage. We have so many mutual friends that I don’t want to say anything (unless we split up – then it’s on), and I can’t tell my friends because some of them know what happened on the first separation and I’m afraid they’d lose respect for me. Hell, I’m losing a little respect for me at this point.

I welcome any and all input. Thanks folks.

Huggles to you Cannon. Im so sorry you are going through this and doing it alone. You are one strong person and the luv for your family is wonderful. No one deserves what you are going through but you know deep inside your heart what the best thing is to do, trust your instincts, what feels right will lead you hopefully in the right path. Im no good at advice really, I have only just found about my H affairs, numerous, and more coming out of the closet, he left me and the kids, happy with his choice with no answers for me. It hurts no matter what, the trust is broken. Just stay strong for you and the kiddies. Best wishes for you :)

Sorry you find yourself in this situation, but glad that you found us.

This site has a wealth of information that can help you survive this time in your life, whether you reconicle or not.

Please read the articles in the Healing Library to the left. You will find a lot of good information there.

Have you and your wife considered getting any type of counseling? This may help with your communication. Your wife may benefit from inidividual counseling to help her figure out why she did what she did. Is she remorseful? Does she take ownership of her actions?

Remember to take care of yourself through all this. Eat, exercise, get some sleep and focus on your children.

Welcome to SI Cannon.

It sounds like you are on top of most things right now. You've handled it very well and have evidence. I believe that my WW lied about who I was to her OM. It creates sympathy and encourages a KISA (Knight in Shining Armor) effect. Her OM is "Saving" her is his belief. If she made you out to be who you are then the OM would feel rotten and would suspect severe issues with his Affair partner.

One step that I think needs to be addressed for you to work on your marriage is for your WW to get back to seeing her psychiatrist or psychologist. They need to be updated as her meds might not be right for her. She might need to stay in touch with them routinely and have her meds continually adjusted.

A big challenge you are going to have to face is what is best for the kids. Staying in the marriage isn't always the best thing. If there is so much instability in the marriage then the kids might easily be better off in the long run with a 50-50 custody. Then if your WW goes off the deep end you'd end up with more custody. There will be a transition to deal with things. I would look at talking with an IC about your choices. They will have much more knowledge on how to best help your kids.

First of all, welcome to the club that nobody wants to join. There are a lot of us who know exactly what you're going through, which is one of the worst emotional traumas a person can endure.

This rang true with me:

Here’s what hurt the most, though, and this was also true in some other messages I saw of hers back in January: she mischaracterizes me to others as an abusive monster.

[edit -- just saw MovingUpward's comment]

Yes! OMs often see themselves as KsISA. My stbxWW said that he was "saving" her (and getting blown/laid regularly as a reward, but whatever... I'm sure he did it out of the goodness of his cheating heart).

This really got me, too, the absolute lies she told. It's such an ironic thing: Everyone who knows me knows that I am a kind, generous, accomplished man. Her APs "know" me as a mean nasty loser. When I found out some of the things that had been said about me, it rocked my world, caused me to question my own view of the situation. Had I driven her to it? I was drinking more than I should have and going through a rough patch in my career. I was probably not a pleasant person to live with -- but I was never abusive. Emotionally distant? Yes. It was partially a defense mechanism because she was being abusive to me (often calling me a "loser," degrading me CONSTANTLY about everything from my appearance to my intellect.

She brought me down, then kicked me in the groin when I was on the ground by moving out to frolic with her POSOM, leaving me with bills and no job. That's the God's honest truth of what happened.

By the grace of God, I've owned the drinking and career mess and gotten back on track. She never owned her part of it which is why we're splitting for good.

But back to your pain...

My IC pointed out to me that it doesn't matter. The reality is that she was the one doing a horrible thing, then trying to justify it to her partner in crime. The whole basis of their relationship was commiseration about their horrible spouses. Cheaters love drama.

In short, just stop caring what was said about you. Laugh at the irony of it. Here they are breaking at least five of the Big Ten from the Big Guy upstairs (adultery, coveting another man's wife, bearing false witness, not honoring your father and mother who were presumably at your wedding, stealing marital assets for your A -- yup, five of them), but WE'RE made out to be the bad guys?

Don't sweat the haters, man. Just move on.

[This message edited by romanticidiot at 7:43 AM, June 9th (Thursday)]

Wow, you guys are quick. Thanks for the responses so far!

scarredforever - We have been seeing the same counselor for years (we've been married for almost 11 years). We saw her frequently when we were going through the trouble in '10, but we (foolishly) stopped going when she moved back last November. I told her counseling (as a couple and her individually) was a non-negotiable as far as us trying to work this out. We have an appointment next week

movingupward, romanticidiot - As I said in my original post, the portrayal of me as an abuser hurts and enrages me the most. I'm not going to lie - we had some pretty nasty arguments back when I was trying to get her to stay the first time and said some awful, awful terrible things to each other, but I can only remember one argument in the kids' presence and I NEVER was physically abusive. I didn't "pull her hair and call her a slut", didn't "push her around" or "beat the shit out of her". Unreal. It certainly bring out the "knight" syndrome, because as soon as she messaged him about it, he was all "Oh no! What can I do?"

What does anyone think about contacting OM#2? I can send him a fb message. I'd just like to know his side of all this. Strangely, I'm not too mad at him. He's a single dude and had nothing to lose, and, well, he's a guy. I don't know too many guys that are going to turn down a drunken overture from a hot woman, you know?

What do you hope to gain by contacting OM#2? Sounds like your wife lied to him about you, and he may in fact, just back that up, and lie to you as well.

His side of the story is that he allowed himself to have sex with your wife. I would not give too much credence to a man who could do that. Just my opinion.

You'll find that this site is pretty quick with support. It's one of the things that makes this place great.

I'm with scarredforever on this. At best he's a misguided man with delusions of saving a broken woman from her abusive husband. At worst, he's manipulating a broken woman for a quick lay. Neither of which would be willing to give up contact with your WW without a better reason than you asking him to.

You need a VAR to protect yourself.

Another frequent poster to this forum (Bigger) once said something along the lines of:

You can stay married, but only if you'll be happy being in a marriage in which you share your wife with other men.

She sounds like a serial cheater and, while nothing is impossible, those persons usually don't "go straight" - ever.

I would demand that she write a No Contact letter to both OM's, in which she states that she made the abuse stuff up and that you have never done any of that. Have her sign and date the letters. Keep the originals for yourself and have her mail the copies.

Then file for divorce ASAP.

My WH was the POSOM to a mOW. He has a major KISA complex. mOW told him that her BH never helped her around the house, was mean, punched walls, ignored his kids, etc.

I knew her BH. I never saw that side. He was kind to my children. One the nights we were at their house for BBQ, I saw her BH leave the party and his friends to put their D down to bed (while she drank with my WH). mOW BH had been distant the whole party (but we were both watching WH and mOW play host). he probably knew something was up. I was uncomfortable with what was happening (but I trusted my WH). I found out two weeks later that he was cheating. It was after that evening that WH would say that mOW told him BH never helped around the house and I didn't believe it until I saw it. (Well dipshit he was probably an ass that day because he figured out you were fucking his wife and didn't want to make a scene at his party).

Any way I digress.

Telling OM#2 your side of the story will probably not be very effective. He probably won't believe. If he is involved with a married women and knows it then he is no better than she.

Only you know what you can and can't live with. If you remain in the M without your WW making any changes to herself, she will continue to repeat the behavior. It sounds like she gets benefits from her M that she cannot get from her AP. But she doesn't want to give up the "high" she gets from the A. Hence why she wants to work on the M but won't stop talking to her AP. She is a classic cake eater.

You deserve better. I understand wanting to hold a M together for the children. But you need to do what is best for you.

hang in there.

As far as OM#2 is concerned, I couldn't give a rat's ass what he thinks of me. The only reason I'd contact him is to possibly check his story with my WW's. She says a PA happened only twice, but who knows? Is she just doing a TT (that's a "truth trickle", right? I'm still learning all the acronyms here )

As for you guys who say I shouldn't hold it together for the kids...if it were just two, I'd do it. That third, though can complicate things. And the kids, man, they had noting to do with our stupid decisions as adults, but unfortunately they would pay the most in a divorce. That just doesn't seem fair.

So sorry you are here.

She said that she was worried that she might be pregnant because she was late and he responded, “Don’t worry, I didn’t finish inside you…this happened last time too”

So your WW has had unprotected sex.

Sounds like OM skipped sex-Ed class, some people have no idea.

A mans pre-cum is enough to get a woman preggers, you don't have to finish inside (it just improves the odds).

Is she pregnant?

I doubt you want an OC.

My advice:

Make it a requirement your WW tests clean for stds and is doctor confirmed that she is not pregnant before you R.

PR

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 7:45 PM, June 9th (Thursday)]

Canon- It seems your WW has zero consequences when she gets caught each and every time. All she has to do is admit she was wrong and then you go back to normal like nothing happened.

Perhaps you are not giving enough detail, but if you keep doing this, nothing will change. She has no respect for you and you can only get it if your threats of divorce are actually serious and you are willing to go through with it in your heart.

Cannon-

confronting doesnt always work like you hope. Besides the other person is a liar too. I confronted the OW only to first have her deny she even knows him, then call him a stalker, sending cards, letters and candy. Icing on the cake- she says they met at a swingers club when actually they met at her work- health club.

that was when it became clear that she was as big a liar as he was.

Besides I read where someone said the cheater likes drama and a knight in shining armour. In my situation I can see from my WH and OW they both were playing these roles out to a tee.

Good luck, it is great to have a support network like this and wonderful to know you arent alone.

Wow. Woooooow. What a night...

So, last night before WW goes to bed, on a hunch (and from reading many stories on SI) I ask if she still has contact with OM#2. She said she got a message from him a few days ago and accused me of putting a keystoke logger on the computer again to check on her (I haven't).

Anyway, I tell her to prove it to me, so she shows me her fb messages on the computer and says angrily, "See? No OM#2!"

Then I click the "archive" button, which she doesn't know about, and there it is...messages as recent as 43 minutes ago. I copy and paste them, and she's MAD. Most of the messages are pretty tame, just some "I'm thinking about you, take care of yourself", one or two "ILYs"

She was in a state last night that was totally opposite her contrition from a week ago. She was angry, accusing me of not caring for years, etc etc. I laughed it off and told her she was rationalizing and I wouldn't allow her to lay this on me. I told her to call the landlord tomorrow (today) to see if she could get the old place back. We went to bed about 12 and she slept on the couch.

Now, the stupid part....neither of us could sleep, so I creep downstairs to the couch. We end up cuddling and having some great sex. She came back up to the bed and we cuddled and fell asleep. This morning she was all cuddly again when we woke up and whispered, "I miss you".

So, now I don't know what the feefonk to do again. I probably messed up last night. I feel like I have to decide something soon before the lease runs out on the rental place and we have to move crap out of there or find something to do with it.

Very disappointed and angry with myself right now.Feel like a chump who's getting run over. For some strange reason, I feel like I let you guys down too. Don't know why part of me still cares after all the lies and hurt I've been given Stupid, stupid, stupid

[This message edited by Cannon at 8:32 AM, June 10th (Friday)]

It was a bad move yes but don't be so hard on your self either. This is a woman you love, it will take awhile before you can detach fully.

What are your plans for today? Are you still trying to get the old place back?

EI, thanks for the kind words.

I was out with my kids and we had a brief text exchange:

WW: I love you and I just deleted (OM#2) as a friend. I miss us...all of it

Me: OK. It's a start. I'm still a little hesitant, though.

WW: I know. I just want you. I was afraid you would leave me and was trying to have a backup plan. I don't want a back up plan. I just want us. I'll devote all of my attention on us now...no more distractions. Please love me back.

Hmmmmm....been burned so many times now I don't know if I can trust this. Thoughts?

[This message edited by Cannon at 10:58 AM, June 10th (Friday)]

Your wife's bipolar medicine doesn't seem to be working. Her mental instability is causing her to have mood swings for and against a loving relationship with you. Which woman will you come home to tonight?

You really can't afford to emotionally commit to your WW right now. Be pleasant, friendly, but on your guard. The pendulum will probably swing back the other way.

Until she can gain some self-control [and maybe a new job] things will continue to be unsettled.

you're in good shape now Cannon. After all those "practice" stories she is finally telling you the "truth" You actually believe this don't you?