SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Regarding the discussion Hurtn and Former Army Guy are having, my theory is that for some unfaithful spouses the affair is literally a temporary mental illness--a mania or delusion but on a smaller scale. When the mania is in force, nothing else matters but keeping the manic high going. And once the wave inevitably crashes down, they are as mystified as everyone else about their conduct during the mania.

CM, you're 100% right. If WW can be "friends" with me, then I'm sure it makes it a lot easier for her to live with herself. I'm done helping her ease her own guilt. Plus, I just need the distance right now, so going NC helps me on both fronts.

PlanC, your theory is as good as anything else I've heard. But whatever the reason for an A, it doesn't really change anything. It still destroys at least one person, and in the case of children, multiple lives. And it ripples out to anyone connected to either of the people involved. In my case, that's 4 kids, my immediate family, WWs immediate family, and a bunch of mutual friends. I've got pretty much 100% support from anyone who knows us, with reactions being anywhere from very sorry to totally pissed off (my mother).

One day, I hope that my WW can piece together where she went off the rails and why, because that's going to be critical to her being able to live any kind of a normal, happy life. But I don't see us being together again. The wounds are too deep, and she has taken too much time. Even she saw that it would be nearly impossible for me to ever trust her again, and I think she was right. Just hopeful that we can continue to be good parents and partners in that respect, and maybe both find happiness in a good, healthy relationship, which I do not believe WW has now.

Regarding the discussion Hurtn and Former Army Guy are having, my theory is that for some unfaithful spouses the affair is literally a temporary mental illness--a mania or delusion but on a smaller scale. When the mania is in force, nothing else matters but keeping the manic high going. And once the wave inevitably crashes down, they are as mystified as everyone else about their conduct during the mania.

In my wife's case it was absolutely mania. I think you are right.

Regarding the discussion Hurtn and Former Army Guy are having, my theory is that for some unfaithful spouses the affair is literally a temporary mental illness--a mania or delusion but on a smaller scale. When the mania is in force, nothing else matters but keeping the manic high going. And once the wave inevitably crashes down, they are as mystified as everyone else about their conduct during the mania.

I've posted before that my fWW kindof "came to" as if she had been hypnotized, and I woke her up with a snap of the fingers. I've said before that it was as if she stepped off stage and asked me, "did I really just dance like a chicken up there?"

I like ArmyGuy's comparison to a crackhead too. I swear my fWW had a temp mental illness. There were things about the A's roots that I can see now, but the depth & willingness to work so hard to keep the doomed-to-fail A alive...stunning & amazing & totally out of character. That dopamine rush she was getting (and that all WS's get) is indeed like a crackhead thing.

CanoeVA,

I can tell you my WW certainly isn't ready to give up that rush yet, apparently. We're about 4 months into the full blown PA and she's ditched us completely. Oh, she calls and texts our boys to feel good about being a parent. But aside from that she has no clue on the next time she'll see her kids. And just from Hurtn's posts, it doesn't sounds like his WW is ready to come down off her 'high' either.

I would love to believe that this thing is just a 'high' or some form of temp insanity, but I can't wrap my head around it. I can't wrap my head around the idea that a 280 lbs truck driver's ego kibble is more important than your kids.

Army, you've got to be kidding. 280 lb truck driver? I read somewhere around SI in another thread how someone commented that it seems WWs in most cases "trade down", and in our cases, it certainly seems true.

My WWs OM #1 was a professional bum/moocher. He didn't even had a job when they first met, and was riding a bicycle. Couldn't afford a car. He temporarily got a job at the same bar where she worked, which lasted a few months before he got fired from that. His history is one shitty job to the next, never employed more than a few months. At the end, he had actually moved into a house he was supposed to be remodeling, all w/o telling the owner he was basically staying there. WW provided him with money for food, pot, you name it. In the end, she finally realized who he was and dumped him.

Enter OM #2. Cleaning floors at barely above minimum wage and long time member of motorycyle club. Recently went through his own D, where his WW pretty much took everything but the car. Currently living in double-wide trailer in a shitty little trailer park. The place is empty - barely any furniture or even silverware. WW has been stocking it with used crap she finds on Craig's List and garage sales.

How in the fuck do either of those compare to what she had? Successful IT worker with a major company and 15 years experience. Upper middle income with potential to go higher, nice single story ranch home, 2 cars, and we actually have furniture! Who would want to make that trade? I can only guess that she was so desperate to get out that she jumped on any guy who showed her the least interest, or she wanted someone TOTALLY different from me. She keeps saying she doesn't care about money, it's about living life, bla bla. We'll see how long that attitude lasts when the fancy haircuts and tanning packages go away.

Take advantage of this situation that she is not after money and divorce her with the least loss. By the end of the day you don't need such a person in your life. Well here is your chance cut your losses.

Hurt,

Brother I can't wait for you to hit 50 messages! We're gonna have a field day swapping stories! Yeah man, you just wait til I get an opportunity to show you what my WW swapped me out for. You're gonna love it!

Hurt,

I got the same stories though. "Its not about looks or job. It'd about the way he makes me feel."

Well, I say try and cash that fucking feeling at the bank and see how far that gets you. Perhaps let the bank who holds her auto loan she values her feelings at X amount of $.

HurtnAlone, those were awesome two posts, I like the strength and anger in them.

Slightly off-topic, but are you legally well-protected for her attack once she realises the gravy train is indeed coming to a stop? I'm worried what dirty/illegal tactics she'll try to get more money etc. out of you. Do you have VARs on you, plans with your lawyer etc.? Have you identified weak spots in your armour and addressed them?

Best wishes

Thanks Hobbes. At this point, don't technically have an attorney, just a couple of consults, but he has given me like 3 hours free and has been very thorough. Maybe I'll call him up and see if he'll start the case with a little less than usual, if I agree to come up with rest by end of month.

Another update. WW sent me a text little while ago: "Can we talk?" I replied, "What's wrong?" She gives me the "Sometimes I just want to communicate some way other than text. You've been so distant lately."

Well, duh! So finally had to lay it out for her. Yes, I am deliberately avoiding your calls and visits. Yes, it fucking tears my heart out, and I need to not see you anymore. Call if it's an emergency, otherwise text only. Couple more back and forths, then "I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry". Right. Nothing more you can say. Anyway, she finally got the message loud and clear, so don't have to play fucking games anymore. No idea what she thinks about it, but I'm sure her head is spinning a little. Guess I really should get moving on the attorney front just in case that puts her into panic mode.

I hate not knowing who I'm dealing with on the other end of the text/call/email anymore. I feel paranoid that she's deliberately planning some new way to make me feel like shit. Hand to God, I was just on FB messenger messaging a buddy of mine how paranoid that was my oldest was outside talking to his mother a few minutes ago. I can't help but feel that her every action is a planned and deliberate way to hurt me and what I have left.

I'm just so taken back by this feeling. Six months ago I would have crawled through fire for her. Now its like she's the one starting the fire for me to crawl through!

I wish I had some clear answers on how your WW took your message about NC but, the truth is, its anyone's guess on what a WW's intentions are in this state of mind.

I'm gonna call the lawyer I spoke to about trying to work out a little better financial arrangement as well. I hate to think that my WW would take anymore than she already has, but the fuck knows anymore... Am I right???

Army, you're right on the money as usual. What's so strange is that you wouldn't know they are acting crazy by just talking to them. They seem perfectly normal, except to the people who have known them for years and don't recognize who the hell they have become.

Guess I'm luckier than most, at least so far, than my WW hasn't went nuts with rage on me. Who knows what she'll do over next few months, but she's at least ACTING like she's sorry. Honestly, I don't really buy it. I think she feels a small tinge of guilt and the "sorry" comes across like someone apologizing for spilling a drink on you. "Oh, sorry about ripping your heart out and destroying your life. Please pass the salt."

I don't know what else to do but keep on moving forward. I'm relieved that I told her about the NC, since it was becoming a pain in the ass to keep trying to dodge her random visits. And it is definitely easier for me after a few days go by and I haven't had to look at her face, and that content smile, like everything is perfect. As a bonus, if I'm lucky, it will make her feel just a little bit worse, and maybe in a few weeks she'll actually start to miss some of the things she gave up. But if not, oh well. I'm making my peace with the reality of the nightmare she threw me into, and I know that eventually, I'll find true happiness again. Her, I'm not so sure about.

Yeah, man. I agree whole-heartedly that its easier not having to speak or look at them. My WW being 650 miles away is about the only way I've lucked out in this. Well, except those moments when I get those nagging sensations to do a little pain shopping and scope out her FB page,

I hope your WW does start to realize what she's missing out on just as I hope mine is. But who knows? I find myself thinking that those WW who actually bail compartmentalize their thoughts of us so far off in the back of their mind that we factor in somewhere between what they ate for lunch last week and who their 3rd grade music teacher was.

I think that's the only feasible way to keep the fantasy going for them is just total and complete ignorance to us. Oh sure, when they NEED to talk to us we're there at the forefront and we're expected to be cordial and nice regardless of how insane the comments or questions they give/pose us. In my case, it always seems like if my WW HAS to talk to me, it always ends with some way for her to be angry with me. Again, just another way for them to keep the fantasy thriving and justify their decision to bail by bailing out on the 'angry' person they left.

I'm rambling, brother. Sorry. I told you night was my bad time. Its just me up and about in the house and it gets to me.

To brighter days, man. May they come suddenly and swiftly.

[This message edited by FormerArmyGuy at 9:14 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

One more little update. Just went around the entire house and boxed any picture with WW in it. Been thinking about doing that for a while and decided I was finally ready for it. Leaves a lot of walls a little bare, but better than having constant reminders of what I lost all around me. Her and me, her with kids, all of us as a family, holidays, you name it. I'm sure that will be a surprise to WW next time she's here picking up kids. Think I'll change locks on the doors this weekend. I'm getting serious about moving on with life.

Maybe her little bubble of fantasy about us being best buds will finally pop. On DDay, she said one of her biggest fears is that we just wouldn't see each other at all anymore. No phone calls, no visits, just cut off. That's what I should have done right away but think I was in shock and acting like a crazy person myself. I'm glad that I've reached a point of relative sanity and can start to show WW the reality she has chosen.

Army, ramble on brother. I know what you're feeling. Nights are bad for me too. I spend a lot of time on SI towards the end of day because most of my family and friends hit the sack pretty early, due to work, kids, etc. It's nice to have an outlet and really does make me feel a little better every time I post. BTW, this is post #46 so private messaging should turn on for me by tomorrow. Lay those pics of OM on me dude. Wish I had one to send. Oh wait, think I do have one of OM #1, but not of OM #2 yet. We can compare who chose the bigger loser.

She keeps saying she doesn't care about money, it's about living life, bla bla. We'll see how long that attitude lasts when the fancy haircuts and tanning packages go away.

Guys, just about the time she realizes that is the time she lawyers up and starts trying to rape your wallets. And pensions. And overtime pay. And going for spousal support.

That's why you should lawyer up early and, while she's still agreeable and "in love" get her to sign off on what's fair. Check with your lawyer, but in my state the farther away you get from a fair distribution the more likely she is to get it changed if she tries to challenge.

As far as the addict state, yep, true. There's one set of addictive brain chemicals released during the "infatuation" stage of a new relationship, that lasts about six months. Then there's another set during the "Romantic Attachment" phase, which follows infatuation and lasts about 3 years, plus or minus a bit.

After that the second chemical, oxytocin, gets released during "bonding" moments, hugs over 20 seconds long, sex, etc., and keeps the good feelings available but not on 24/7.

OMG. Just read several articles about infatuation. That's my WW! For sure on OM #1 and also for sure on the A I suspect happened 3 years ago but can't confirm. Both lasted just over a year. OM #2, the one she's with now, has only been in the picture a total of 6 months, and I believe it's only been romantic for around 3 months, so she's still getting the high. If history repeats, as I strongly suspect it will, things will begin to fall apart in the next 3-4 months and she'll start looking for another out. That likely means OM #3, but small chance she may come groveling to me about what a mistake she's made (which will be met with a door closed in her face). Hard to say, since she's now tied to this guy for a roof, so may end up staying with him longer until the next pink cloud appears to save her.

On top of that, just heard tonight that my 10-year-old with Aspergers told OM #2 tonight to "shut up". LOL. It was undeserved, as the guy was just asking if he was OK, but that's the nature of my son's personality - no emotional control. I know what a challenge is it for me sometimes, and I just don't see a stranger having much patience with that situation for long. The reality train is heading into fantasy world. Anyone wanna start a pool on how long before things come crashing to earth?

I know what a challenge is it for me sometimes, and I just don't see a stranger having much patience with that situation for long

I'm really curious, here, but do you think that your son is in any danger of spankings or worse, or verbal abuse from the new guy? Does he know about and understand the condition?

And as far as the chemicals go, yeah, that's what evolved to keep humans going. Infatuation, attachment, long-term bond. !Poof! A family. That's why boundaries are oh, so important. To keep this kind of raw shit from clogging up the pipes.

The bad thing is that sneaking out at night for some strange is what chimpanzee tribes do to mix genes. And apparently humans are prone to it as well. The difference? Our brains and living conditions.

Now if the penalty for cheating also included mandatory sterilization I think a lot of it wouldn't happen. Some still would, sure, idiots abound.

Good luck with reaching 50 posts. You can reply to a PM at any number of posts, you just can't create one.

Thanks for the reply. Please, try to come up with the retainer as soon as possible and get a lawyer as soon as possible, before her bubble bursts and she becomes more demanding.

Also, it's essential you buy a VAR asap!

Best wishes