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every time you think about how great she looks, think about how she let it go when with you, she will let it go for the next guy too. Once she gets settled in, her 'improvements' will go away.

My key in dealing with it was "I don't care how good she looks, there's another one out there for me" and also I focused on looking better myself plus I saw through the looks and said it's an empty shell. It's what's inside that's every bit as important as what's outside and inside your WW is hollow and diseased.

Good move on making her know that your home is no longer hers. She doesn't deserve a haven with you. If one shits on their own carpet, and someone else has to clean it up, then there must be consequences.

I probably would have hidden the fact that you are filing for divorce. Gives her a chance to scheme against you. You may want to tell her that you are having second thoughts and then do it anyway

Just had a 45 minute conversation with WW on phone. Was trying to stick to text but she said she had some stuff we had to talk about.

Ok, this once, you got it all out and now can move forward - consider this your closure. The truth is that this is WW speak for keeping you on the line, see how her plan B is doing, keep her ego kibbles coming. So she feels great after the conversation ... you still want her. And you...probably back to base one with the why, mind movies, anger, and hope. You weren't even on Day 2 the newly installed NC and what was so important that she couldn't email or text? Her Feelings? Not that she wants you back but that she wants you to KNOW she feels bad about ...not wanting you back.

Finance and kids...via email and text. That's it. While you think one little phone call isn't going to be too bad... it really starts things all over again. NC=No new hurt.

Western, thanks for the thoughts. FYI - the D was no surprise. We already both spoke to an attorney and had agreed that's how we were proceeding. The only question was the "when". So I gave a more specific time frame. She had no problem with it.

Freeme, right you are brother. She's really trying to convince me how we need to at least be able to speak on the phone instead of only texting because you can't convey emotion through text. Well, duh, that's the point. I'm not biting. Back to NC except text for me, and I can only hope she has more days crying 4 hours. You're right that the whole convo set me back again, and I'm reeling, but at least I had a chance to say some of the shit that was eating me up.

Was sitting here thinking about calling or texting back, but reading your replies brought me to my senses. Thanks guys. She really knows how to push my buttons, and get me feeling sorry for her.

Wanted to post more details while still fresh in my head about the phone convo. Sort of regret it now but told her a few times how I still loved her and even sort of broke into tears once. Fucking pissed at myself now for letting her get to me. Was trying to explain the whole point of the NC rule, but she's not stupid. You guys are right - she was feeling rejected or guilty or whatever, and had to get the ego boost.

Oh, she also mentioned somewhere in the middle about how badly she wants us to be good friends and hopes we can get there. And when I made some snide comment about how the whole time she was "deciding" about whether to save our marriage, I knew she was actually seeing the current OM #2, and she still denies it! Says they were only friends at the time. WTF?!! So you were friends in early March, but by early April are exchanging "I Love You", "I Miss You" and moving in with him? Umm, yeah.

She also got real pissy at the end after I mentioned changing the locks and getting her stuff out. Oh, and the one about this home is not your home and will never be again really got her. Of course she reminded me of how I had said she would always have a home here. And what I am supposed to do if it doesn't work out, or he dies. LOL, he dies? What the hell is she planning? Well, sorry I was in the aftershock of a fucking bomb dropping on my head. Told her I'm sure she had friends she could stay with or family. This wasn't her home anymore and wasn't fair to me or the kids to let her live here. Then she was all matter-of-fact and "Oh, I see", "That's fine" and hung up shortly after.

Is this normal WW crazy talk? I can't even tell anymore. I don't think she's deliberately scheming but she really believes the crazy shit coming out of her mouth. Anyway, I'm ready to really be over it and just move on. Counting on you guys to keep me in check when she tries to suck me into her demented world again. Will post here before making any big decisions.

[This message edited by HurtnAlone at 4:37 PM, May 8th (Friday)]

"Oh, she also mentioned somewhere in the middle about how badly she wants us to be good friends and hopes we can get there."

IMO, a BS needs to kill this fantasy bullshit with the WS clearly and unequivocally EVERY time it is brought up.

To hell with having a 'friend' who can betray you like that....and the only thing I can ever picture such a friendship doing is preventing, or at least slowing down, the BS being able to heal and move on from the knife that was just stuck into their back.

The only reason a WS really wants this anyway is so they can assuage their guilt about being a POS traitor.

If they truly cared about the BS, they wouldn't have fucking cheated in the first place.

Dyokemm, exactly right. She stabbed the knife in, not just once but at least twice, and somehow I'm supposed to just get over it. If the shoe were on the other foot and I had been fooling around with another woman, she would have totally fucking demolished me, going for full custody, house, etc. But she's supposed to somehow get a free pass because I didn't meet her needs and took her for granted.

Oh, forgot to mention earlier how she was all upset that I was "badmouthing" her to kids and making her look bad to all my family, etc. I haven't done anything but tell the truth. Only negative thing I said to kids was explain how we don't have as much money as before because mom has a new house now and it costs extra. I'm supposed to just tell them "bills" and not blame her. No, don't blame the princess - she did nothing wrong. Getting more pissed just thinking about it.

I do want to be friendly with her, just for sake of kids, but starting to think "friends" is impossible. As a lot of you have said, what has she done to deserve my friendship? Doing my best not to tarnish kids view of mom, but I don't feel like she should get off scott-free, like there was nobody to blame in all this. Hoping to carry this anger with me a while and get some stuff done. It really is easier to move on when I'm feeling this way.

This is fucking bull shit. Was pissed earlier but now feel like I'm almost back to DDay. Can't think about anything else, head spinning, prob won't sleep all weekend. Thanks so much for twisting the dagger, you selfish bitch. I'm so DONE with the calls and the visits. Thought about sending a text and saying as much if I didn't figure it would give her even more satisfaction knowing how much she got to me.

Don't plan on seeing her again until after I file and she comes to take her shit out of here. Locks getting changed tomorrow. I really want to just know she's suffering right now, but have a feeling she's feeling pretty good about everything, knowing how much I still care and all. This is some twisted shit.

That's why No Contact is such universal advice.

You're exhibit A man!

Yup, all new posters learn from my pain. When you set a NC rule, stick to it no matter what. I learned the hard way; I won't make that mistake again. Text/email only and I'm not giving her shit for info about anything but kids or money.

I actually unofficially started the NC over a week ago but never officially had the discussion, just hoping she would get the hint. Nope, didn't understand why I was dodging her calls and visits. So finally had to explain it thru text. Lasted all of a day before there was suddenly a flat tire emergency that I just had to take care of; I know she didn't even TRY to call anyone else first. And then today, texting me that she really needed to talk, just too much to discuss through text. The guilt must have been overwhelming and I just opened the release valve.

Well, no more. I even told my kids to not expect me to answer calls from her unless someone was seriously injured, like in a car accident. If WW suffers even 1/2 as much from her guilt as what I have been since DDay, she's in for a rough road the next few weeks, and I'm not providing her an outlet anymore.

HurtnAlone - I really feel your pain on seeing your stbx again. I have been divorced 8 mos, still in the house, and keep asking him to get his shit out of here asap. He has dawdled and made small trips and 1/2 the stuff is still here that I packed up for him.

I don't want to see his stuff: I also took every photo off walls, took all our historic photo albums (35 yrs worth) and wanted to forget all about him forever.

So, when he shows up last weekend finally, with a big truck, I have to see him. It took me 2 wks to build up my nerves and when he was here I was physically sick to my stomach. He was SO friendly, lost some weight, got a good hair cut and looked good. He acted like we were best buddies. I couldn't even smile or look at him.

When he left, he still left a bunch of shit - cupboards full of chemicals (he promised to come and get - ya riight), and when I force him to come for them, I will definitely not be around. And, no, he can never enter the home without my permission.

And, when he left - it felt just like d-day all over again. I had made so much emotional progress and I fell into a horrible funk. Couldn't eat, couldn't move, almost ignored my dogs, and wouldn't answer the phone. It was awful - thankfully only last 2 days. I later texted his friendly message and said: "I will never be your friend and never want to see you again. You are and will always remain a monster to me". Hope that took care of that fantasy of 'friends'. bleh.

SheWiz, I totally understand where you're at. You think you're doing well, then just the mere sight of WS brings it all back. I think at 8 months out, I would box all his shit, park it in the driveway and tell him he had 3 days to come get it or you were donating / tossing, whatever. But it was going one way or the other. Sounds like he's playing games, just leaving reasons behind to keep showing up. What is with these WS that they always want to try and be buddies after they rip your heart out? Go choke on your guilt, you selfish pieces of trash.

Hurt - just want to add, your WW might want to sign up for AAA - only $68/yr!

Thanks SW, only $68/year huh? You know as soon as I mention that, she'll want an extra $6/month in support, and how that will be so much better since I'm the one who doesn't want to see her so she's really helping me out. She's already laser focused on the money situation and I think is starting to panic a little, thus the big talk today. It started out about money and then lead into all the other stuff. I just need to hurry and get papers filed with her signature before reality sets in even further.

I think she knows I've got the upper hand even if things get nasty and am likely to get awarded full custody of the 2 special needs kids, and 50% on our youngest. What we agreed upon is a little better for her on monthly support than that likely reality, but it will save me thousands in legal costs so I'm willing to give up a little just to speed through it. I know she doesn't want to work full time and she's starting to realize there is no way she can make it otherwise while shacking up with OM. Panic is setting in, and she's worried that her safety net is getting pulled right out from under her. Time to live with the consequences of your choices.

Hurt - he says..why can't you get over your anger and move on? (like he has - so swiftly like a razor sharp knife cutting off everything?) Well, it's because you are invading my life, asshole, and I don't want you in it.

In fact, I'm going to text him now asking when he's coming to get the last load. ALL of it. Too bad he has a PO box otherwise, I'd send it out on a truck and deliver it next to his trailer. Hell, I even have his whore's address. Maybe should send his chemicals there! (JK!)

Western: 'every time you think about how great she looks, think about how she let it go when with you, she will let it go for the next guy too. Once she gets settled in, her 'improvements' will go away.'

Funny you should mention this. My X really let himself go while he was around home while his (3yr) affair was going on. He worked from home so didn't have many opportunities to see her in another city. Hygienic? He wouldn't shower, brush his teeth, get out of his bathrobe (to work down the hallway) and totally let himself get fat. (he quit running dogs, so thankfully, I benefitted by keeping in shape) It amazed me. I thought he was depressed.

Then - yanno - those sudden business meetings in her city started coming up more and more often. (he never went to those before) and got a full haircut - bought so many new clothes, and of course, I was finding new blue tighty underwear. (guess he didn't like the white Costco ones he always insisted I buy him.)

Yeah - wonder how long she'll like smelling all his farts, seeing his warts, and all his other wonderful qualities.

Hurt: 'What we agreed upon is a little better for her on monthly support than that likely reality, but it will save me thousands in legal costs so I'm willing to give up a little just to speed through it."

omg - I hope it goes fast and well for you, but if you are at the point of trying to talk or email these things you want - my experience is it was 3 months of total waste of time. WE TURNED UGLY. We thought we'd save money - oh ya. It became a bitter battle about Spousal Support and other things and he became an absolute monster through the process....as I did too. Everything on both sides was perceived as a slight..or a threat...or a dismissal of feelings (thus emotional)..

We finally got smart and paid an extra many $$$$ to attorneys and finally, a mediator. My atty was $100/hr - his was $500/hr - not sure why he thought he needed such protection (I'm just a little gal here) and, for what it's worth -

All those emails and negotiating we tried on our own just eroded our relationship even more. It was nice to finally get attorneys in the middle of it and yes, we're both poorer, but it got done a lot quicker. I also was given a full 5 mins at mediation for me to tell him exactly what I thought of him (as the Petitioner). Had not known I could do this and had nothing planned. It came pouring out of my mouth just so well and poignant (I hope) and how hurt I was - this was in front of 3 attorneys. He had his chance for 5 mins and just lowered his saying...I'm sorry.

Best money I ever spent was on that mediator to finally let me tell that asshole everything I thought of him.

Wow, SW, I hope it works out for us. But I've heard enough warnings that I'm going to be prepared for things to turn nasty. And at the first hint, I'm going total asshole. I'm already documenting every interaction between us and between her and kids. I'm getting a VAR for any future personal interactions just to protect me. And I'm trying to stay strictly NC for the next few weeks just so it doesn't get worse, but who knows.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy.

You're falling into classic nice guy mode. Trying to nice her back, when she doesn't reciprocate, get mad and try to establish all these bounderies, only to fall when she offers the tiniest sliver of an olive branch.

No amount of begging, subtle begging, subtle shaming will get her back. She's detached and well into her new life.

Stop engaging in the drama. Go dark except when it pertains to your children. You're feeding her ego, two men vying for her attentions is her validation.

Hurt.

Get a lawyer and do this the cold hard assassin way NOW. You are potentially risking involvement in your kid's lives of things get nasty and she decides (or gets coerced to) get a lawyer of her own.

In addition to getting in front of custody issues, you'll be exposed to these games for the rest of eternity. It is established that she believes that you can be manipulated. She's going to do this forever and you know you're going to fall for it every time. You already are - even in your message you're giving yourself an out by "giving it a few weeks".

This if your new motto "I will do the most right thing got me and my children in the fastest and most effective way". The way to do this is to get legal counsel and protect you from her and you from yourself.

I'm with Eric1 on this. Deep down you know she is going to drag this out... See if OM and her work out...or he dies?!? or if she can get more money. If she doesn't sign immediately I'd go the Lawyer route, with her mental health issues and AA issues you might get all kids full time and she pays you support.

Might want to write up a post in the D forum and see what they think would be your best approach.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:16 AM, May 9th (Saturday)]