SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Much like you when I found out about my fww affair I was done. Literally filed within 24 hours and had her served at the OM's apartment. My intention was never to look back and I was prepared to take the extremely painful financial hit a divorce in my community property state would be.

At the eleventh hour my wife offered an extremely favorable post nup. All she wanted in return was one full year to prove she could be a safe wife and worthy partner. I'll be honest, at that pointbI was very mercenary and my thought at the time was I can put up with anything for a year for the amount of money it would save me... I made no secret that my intention was to wait the year out and divorce at the end of.

To my never ending surprise the amount of effort she put into fixing her mess was amazing. I was mostly checked out so the change in behavior and attitude came almost exclusively from her. She went over the top...

It has been several years now and they were tough years at that. I stuck around after the first year, and then another and another... In a good place now.

My point is that waywards CAN get it and they CAN change for the better. It is hard and the trip is not a fun one but it can be worth it. That being said... sometimes cheating is just a deal breaker even if the wayward owns their mess. Only you can decide what your comfort zone is.

dost, I read this thread, and this is my first post, so maybe I don't know the whole story but.....did she actually take you and your kids over to his house to see his newborn baby?

If that's the case, I would just suggest that you sit back and think about that for a while. Think about what it would take for you to do that to her and your kids if you were the one having an affair. My WW brought her OM and his wife around me and my kids all the time. And they'd both act completely normal. In the end, I thought long and hard about that.

What kind of person is capable of pulling that off and acting normal? I know I couldn't do it, I'd have an anxiety attack on the spot.

I'm telling you, the fact that my WW used to routinely bring her OM out to hang out with us is THE BIGGEST THING that tells me that I did the right thing in divorcing her. There's obviously a lot of deceiving and lying involved in any affair - but dragging you and your kids to his house is almost like she was trying to humiliate you and OM's wife too - like my WW did. I confronted my WW about that particular fact, and all I got back was the thousand yard stare.

Just consider her actions before you consider her words (and the letter), and give that one action some extra thought in particular.

Lost, believe me I have thought about that long and hard and among other things that she did. I actually said something to her last night about it when we were going through the timeline and flat out said, "what kind of person does that? I just think about that and have no idea what type of person you are. You were basically rubbing it right in my face."

Do your WW and the OM still work together? Sorry if I missed that.

If she still works with him then how is she supposed to go NC? My XWW had a 3 yr LTA with her married coworker. she refused to quit her job and said she ws NC as well. But she wasn't. She fessed up in TT later. They were still talking to each other. You know when I found out...when she came home crying when she found out OM was fucking other women in the office. Maybe your WW is different but I wouldn't bet on it. Keep moving forward.

WS's aren't these soft flowers blowing in the wind that break at the first strong breeze. They spent months or years plotting behind your back to fuck the AP. They lied to your face on a daily basis and when they are caught they all of a sudden can't function properly as a human being. Don't fall for that shit. If WW was serious about getting away from OM, I wonder how many other jobs SHE has put in for. Not just this bullshit, I told him to quit response she gave you. Again do what's best for you but keep your eyes wide open.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:20 PM, June 5th (Monday)]

I told her exactly what you just said. You can tell me you are NC but you still work near each other. You still see each other. That doesn't work for me. I'm not going to tell you to leave your job, I don't need your resentment. That's a choice you will need to make on your own what to do. I'm not in charge of what you do.

Early on i flat out asked her to leave her job and she scoffed at the idea.

OBS had told me she let OM know that if he wanted their M he would have to seriously consider leaving his job.

[This message edited by dostl10 at 3:31 PM, June 5th (Monday)]

Tell OBS about the at work lunch group which was happening until recently on WW own account. Two things will happen. POS get more pressure from OBS and POS get to know WW told you.

Hope you can stick to your 99%D stance without any emotions and do the engagement in a business like manner to gauge how committed WW is.

You have to accept the affair was exit affair with WW all over him. He is worst kind of POS I think. Rail in WW b's his wife was pregnant and after Dday still engaged knowing he is going to dump her and now looks like he has convinced WW he is so caring (listening in WW terms)in guiding her towards R after the finality of D papers. For some reason WW is not mad at him yet which is a bad sign.

So just confused a little on your post. OM was an exit affair or my WW?

So just confused a little on your post. OM was an exit affair or my WW?

This is my thinking. The way WW acted after D day it looks like she wanted to be with POS (may be severe fog also). But POS back tracked slowly still involving with her for his own selfishness. And when D papers came may be he convinced WW "poor me with a baby I have to stick to M although I want to be with you"

This is what I think it may not be the case and in your R if you go ahead you can get this resolved

[This message edited by goalong at 4:46 PM, June 5th (Monday)]

I am ready to be divorced but that does not mean that I truly want to be. I feel like a lot of people could say the same thing.

Complete truth there...D is nothing that anyone would want or look forward to, though in many cases there is no viable alternative.

Only you can know when and if it is where you will stop.

If over time she shows she is a safe partner again, and you want to stay, then there you are, right where you really wanted to be all along.

But, I do hope you keep your standards higher, and I hope she understands them completely.

For now, just take it a day at a time, maybe she will really come around.

Remember that trust is earned with consistency over time, so don't expect anything overnight.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 5:50 PM, June 5th (Monday)]

I think your response to her about working with OM was good. She is at a fork in the road. She can work on herself and better herself, and maybe (no guarantee) you will become a possible partner for her in the future, post-divorce. Or she can revert to her old ways.

I will say that I thought her response to the SI post you sent her was pretty good. In her initial letter, though, I still saw a hint of blame-shifting and a fairly complete lack of introspection. She may be starting to understand, but she's just taking a first step on a multi-year journey. Don't assume she will be willing to do all the hard work that would be required of her, I think it's too early to say.

I don't find her response very good when looked at in totality.

Her words do not mix her actions.

you are the love of my life

And all that other shit she laid on thick.

But she's not sure if she is ready to leave the job.

You know what my dad told me on his deathbed? His breath was very shallow, he could barely speak, and I could see it was an extreme effort for him to practically will me to come to him to listen, unfortunately his last words. I leaned over and said "what is it dad?" And I stuck my ears to his lips and he whispered, "I just wish I would have finished that last project at work." NOT.

Listen, your wife is shining you on. Love of my life, my ass. Take in the whole picture, after years with you, she chose some jackass with a young baby, and she left you, and now she is claiming it was the worst mistake of her life and she wants to reconcile, she is annoyed you won't take it off the table, but no, she will have resentment if she quits her job with her lover. Bullshit on that, d.

Listen, tell her that, "love of my life, my ass, you don't even want to quit the job where lover boy sees you every day!!!"

To be honest, I'm not sure if she is just manipulating you or she is just so far up her ass that she can't figure out some simple shit. Like your family is much more important than your family, "your love of your life." She won't be worried about the job on her deathbed, guarantee that. But unfortunately I've seen people stuck way up their asses many times, and most of the time they weren't even cheating. And I have an unsupported personal opinion that cheating addles some part of your brain where logic resides.

So I wouldn't write her off. But she's not ready yet. If she was the love of your life, leaving the job wouldn't be that big a deal. Father of my children, a fantastic father, the greatest husband ever ... but not worth leaving the job where I work every day with the guy I damaged my love of my life?

I don't like that I get the sense she is haggling over you. Negotiating.

And maybe you haven't read as much of others here, but that "haggling" and "negotiating" is so much a cheating mindset.

My observations, the cheaters want to control the outcome.

You are considering taking on a known liar and cheater. What is her contribution? She has no skin in the game. You get the shit end of this no matter what she does, so the fact that she won't do the little things you've asked (yes, leaving the place where your affair partner sees you ever day is a "little" thing in the scope of it all). Even with that, you're getting the short end.

She had the kids tonight and she asked me about getting tested. Said it's expensive I said I'm sure there are places that can get it done. Then she asked about the job my reply was simple, if I did this to you what would you expect of me or what advice would you give a friend in this situation. She then asked me what do you want me to do. My reply, I am not telling you what to do or how to live your life you haven't cared about my opinion for 7 months.

You are absolutely right. Her lack of action to take steps to make you feel safe are very telling. If she was committed to saving the marriage, she would be having herself tested and show you the results. Not ask you about it, just do it. She would be applying for new jobs now, not asking you what she should do.

I'm sure there are plenty of things that she could do to show that she is serious about this.

Stick to it. Next time she asks what you think she should do, reply with "do you what you think is best to accomplish what you want. your actions will say everything".

Let her know you didn't create this mess, it's not your responsibility to fix anything.

Until she actually does the work, she is not a safe partner. Go into the R forum and see how many BS's are in there still waiting for the WS to actually pull their head out of their asses. I know, I was one of them for 3yrs. He asked for R, swore he would do anything to save the marriage, he was a fool, etc....yada, yada, yada.......

Until you see actual actions on her part other than words, you might then have a slim chance to save the marriage. I now wish instead of giving into the words, I had demanded action to prove he could be a safe partner again. I let my heart get ahead of my brain and I am now divorced, with 3yrs of hell and hurt wasted on someone that didn't deserve my love for him.

You deserve to be loved. You are not the love of her life or she could have never did what she did. I believe that when a person really loves another, no one can come between that, no matter what. I was never once tempted to cheat on my WH. I had the opportunity, but I loved him and respected him too much to ever do that to him. Now I know that I deserved the same and I could never feel that way again with him no matter how sorry he was. Marriage is built on trust..When that's gone what do you really have?

dost, one thing that seriously concerns me about your wife's letters is their lack of genuineness. It's like a postcard from Target in which a message is written for you and all you need is to choose an appropriate one: "You and your family are in my heart and mind. I'm sorry for your loss, pain and struggle". Don't you think she is doing her own research on how to talk your husband out and stop the divorce? I won't be surprised if she is copy-pasting her letters from quick-fix online tutorials.

I might be wrong, but I find it really striking that her letters are so faceless and impersonal, that they lack details of your past, and, most of all, that you are buying them. It may feel nice to have these letters from her but this is not what you need right now. You don't need your ego kibbles, you need a sober understanding of yourself and your new reality.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 9:13 AM, June 6th (Tuesday)]

Yes the commentators are right. Little emotional bonding/love from WW. Do not budge the conditions. Also do not increase her time with kids. So far it seems like WW mostly wants the stability/family back not so much you. Again I think She is back because POS quietly dumped her. But she is not angry with him and consider pos as friend/helper in her attempts to R. Which is strange. If she start saying bad things about POS with you (without your prodding)at least it is a sign that NC in genuine.

Hope you are not swayed emotionally that much now by interacting with WW and OK with whatever the outcome is.

[This message edited by goalong at 5:07 AM, June 6th (Tuesday)]

I get why everyone thinks I've bought into the words she has written down but I truly have not. Words don't mean anything unless they come with certain things attached to them like you all say and I have flat out told her that and told her the D rolls on.

"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

What i did learn last from a friend is thst OM now has his own apartment away from OBS. I did not let WW know I know this and won't. But she sent me a text last night saying she got where she's staying and I simply said show me and at first she sent me a picture, then I said video call, she did and,she is where she said she would be. No even that is like fine you were honest 1 time out of the last I have no idea. It's not like I saw that and danced a jig and said oh look she does love me and she does want to come back. Look how wonderful she is being so honest.

I feel for you Dost. That is a confusing development. So many uncertainties. So what do you think. You do not have thousand eyes to keep watch and even then if WW is not honest and serious it is not worth a dime to keep going. Like I said WW not showing any frustration/anger for the deceit is bad. You can tell her casually you want to meet her at her new place and then talk with her about the POS living in an apartment- if there is confusion/evasion it can be the closure for you. Strength to you.

I guess I'm not sure if he is deceiving her or They are just playing the lie low game, or on a very limited train of thougnt possibly even she's come to some sort of tiny change in brain.

Basically what you are saying is that OM used her for an exit affair and now is ditching her and she should be angry at that but she's not.