SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She said I wasn't always the most emotionally available person

Some women cannot realize after many years of marriage the cuddling and sweet talking diminish. And I think players can read it in the women who are looking for superficial attention

So I got a chance to breath a little more today and I've really come to this conclusion that this letter is nothing more than another manipulation tactic. She's been served, feels cornered and writes this letter 4 days after getting the papers and consulting with friends and even AP.

I think she's trying to butter me up to get something better in the D.

You are right. if she really wants it she should have said all this face to face with apologies and not in a business like manner she did. She should also have really pushed you to let her move back in and give you all the access to her dealings. Now as you mentioned her approach gives rise to the suspicion that she is doing this with OM guidance.

From your writing it seems OM and WW have been coworkers/friends for a long time and met your kids. So is it a LTA (at least emotionally) or OM filled a gap during OBS pregnancy

[This message edited by goalong at 6:50 PM, June 2nd (Friday)]

WW is not innocent at all in this obviously but I think OM went for something when OBS was pregnant. They've been coworkers for 5 years but never what I would say is close. Then he joined a committee my wife is on and they started talking to each other more and she says it started turning different in November when his wife was 7 months pregnant. I think they both started confiding in each other about their "problems" and recipe for disaster was had. They exchanged bodies and I love yous in that short space of time. We all know each other. She went to visit the baby when it was born at the hospital. We went to their house with our kids when they brought the baby home. My wife made them a casserole. It's all just some fucked up shit.

We all know each other. She went to visit the baby when it was born at the hospital. We went to their house with our kids when they brought the baby home. My wife made them a casserole.

This makes it even worse!! What kind of person cheats with a man while his unknowing wife brings a new baby home? And to top it off she brings them food!!

Get a divorce and find someone better. Acting like a good friend while she is betraying everyone involved is so sad.

[This message edited by longforgotten at 8:10 AM, June 3rd (Saturday)]

I never intended to hurt you = you were not supposed to find out. But since you did, I kept hopping on OM's stick because not much else could hurt you more, so why not go for it.

She will never forget what she has done = until somebody new comes along.

Please forgive me = so I don't have to pay child support, you can be plan b and we can start rug sweeping right away.

I should have checked myself = but I didn't want to so now that I say it it's all better now right?

I don't think it was a bad letter. I have seen very similar letters from cheaters who were really sorry and really wanted their marriage, and then again I've seen very similar letters from cheaters who were still having sex with the affair partner even as they said it was over.

The words are meaningless. Only actions matter.

I noticed the missing "I love you." I also notice zero evidence - no lists of accounts, passwords, etc.

I do find the terminology in the letter to be beyond the normal cheater-speak. It is obvious to me that she has been reading about cheating and how to repair a marriage.

You mentioned that she discussed it with her friends/family, and even the AP.

Do you know for relative certain that she discussed it with AP?

She did speak with him. She admitted to it when I asked her. Before she addressed me about receiving the papers she spoke to him and other friends.

A lot of what is in the letter are certain phrases or terminology that I used early on when I was doing the pick me dance. So I am worried that she just wrote what she thinks I want to see/hear.

It's now been 3 days since I got the lettervsnd nothing else has occurred other than her texting me when she gets where she is staying at night, a text about how AP didn't join their normal group for lunch that day, and her pushing for more time with the kids. Nothing else that would tell me what is in the letter is real.

[This message edited by dostl10 at 5:46 AM, June 4th (Sunday)]

So its fairly obvious she is saying what she thinks you want to hear, without doing anything to save the M, and is still talking to the OM...did I miss anything?

Stay on course.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 6:36 AM, June 4th (Sunday)]

Nope. I dont think you are missing anything. It took her 4 days to come up with the letter. It wasn't some uncontrolled outburst of emotion.

Obviously in the letter she claims to have cut ties with him but provided nothing to back it up. It's almost like me telling her the grass is blue and the sky is green.

I made it known that the D would still be going forward but I almost feel the need to say it again.

Basically she needs to stop talking, and start doing.

...like most waywards.

I get the feeling there may not be much doing.

this because the consequences have become real.

.... this is absolutely the time when a Wayward starts to come out of the mythical "fog".

A fog of heightened feelings and lust and emotions and waywardness that the "highs" of an illicit, immoral, secret affair engender.

I agree with watching and waiting for the actions, but this first step I think is exactly that - a first step. Your WW has suddenly (momentarily?) snapped out of the ego-kibble-affair-land and actually realised that she has

Trashed her marriage

Betrayed her family

Thrown away your love.

Keep watching dostl10.

Keep looking for those next steps..... you don't have to do anything right now - just watch and wait.

You will soon see

- or not see -

whether your WW is wanting to work her way back to you.

Honestly, YOU are allowed to change YOUR mind here (or not), if your WW is truly, honestly and openly wanting to reconcile.

Keep calm

Stay strong

You're getting good advice from all of us here - but remember that OUR perspective is just that.

This is YOUR life

YOUR marriage

YOUR family

Sending you strength and peace,

and sincere empathy.

MOB

I am watching and waiting while the D rolls forward. Papers were served so she has i think, 20 more days to respond now.

No communication we've had since the letter has me believing she is intent on following through. She's said she is looking for own place and her main focus is getting more time with the kids. Nothing said and I guess you would say very limited action (1 or 2 texts) that lead me to believe anything.

^^^ ah well, ((dostl10))

that sounds like a bugger.

Chin up, you and me in the same boat mate.

MOB

looks like the letter add more confusion uncertainty to you current state of mind. Yes she is showing little follow up actions. Why she is not making the same gestures when she is talking to you? Pride perhaps. The POS seems to be still her compass even in formulating the letter. So it seems like the POS after using her as a stop gap slithering away from her with his I care for you attitude intact. Your WW seems to be someone who is easily swayed or may be still in fog. At least she seems to be honest (as much as a cheater can be). Are you able to take a final decision on D or are you still some what open for R. Her not ending the affair after D day and not all over you emotionally (like many WWs do ) is a big nail in my opinion.

What ever it is do not let the confusion seep in to your other responsibilities like job and kids and making preparation to you new life whatever it may be

[This message edited by goalong at 12:01 PM, June 4th (Sunday)]

I was firmly set on D and am still 99% on that. But as you said confusion has set in a little but if I look past the words on paper nothing has changed at all.

Regarding that 1%R, critique her letter (rather than keeping silent) - just a suggestion. Reply stating the weaknesses. Lay down all the conditions like total NC and even trying to find another job, good proof POS is no where near if she continue to live outside. Ask all the questions you have(may be others can pitch in regarding the questions). This does not make any commitments even after she complied with all your requests you can still say no. I am saying this in a way on engaging.

Hope the POS getting his ass whipped from OBS etc. for what he did.If you are going to R and WW is going to find another job you can report POS to HR

I'm not even sure what questions I have anymore. We are coming up on three months from the initial DDay. We have not lived together for about 8 of those weeks I think. My brain just feels like mush.

Does she still work with him?