SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Continue the divorce and let her know you don't plan to stop the divorce, she can either do what you ask on faith or just forget about it, but either she does these things and you are satisfied or you don't even consider staying married.

1-Quit the job

2-Write a timeline

3-Put a keyloggers on her phone that you have access to

4-Get tested for STDs and give you the result.

5-Write a timeline and narrative of the entire affair, from first time they met until the time she quit the job.

Tell her you need to believe she is ALL IN, this might not even be enough, but it might, or at least go a long way.

I wouldn't write it down, just tell her verbally.

Don't get your hopes up, cheaters who are not in love with you usually want the easy "lip service," not actions.

So I just laid everything out to her after she talked to the kids on the phone and she ended up giving me a pretty solid timeline verbally.

But, she is still talking to the OM.

She says no. Again, grain of salt on that one. I told her I don't believe it because I haven't seen or been shown any proof of that.

Was she emotional and in a kind of pleading mood? Keep your 99% D resolve intact as you have the upper hand now and hopefully do not care which way things go. Looks like OBS is not imposing anything on the POS as he is behaving normal at work. WW is making a big deal about the POS not taking lunch in the same group which proves nothing

She was emotional going through the timeline and answered all my questions. She was very put off in the beginning when I stated D would continue. In speaking to OBS she told me she told OM if he wants any hope of restoring their M he had to go NC and he'd have to leave his job.

That's actually very good news, he has some consequences on his side too.

Now your WW needs to get her head out of her ass and figure things out.

Dost, even though you finally see some movement on her part, I'd think long and hard about the shit she's done to you these past 8 weeks. Her behavior was not temporary insanity no matter how she tries to spin it. Only you can decide whether it is D or R, but don't make too much of the crumbs she is currently throwing you. She's about 6-8 weeks behind schedule with those statements.

I agree with you 100%. Like you said they are crumbs. She needs to do a lot than that and even then it may not be enough. I explained to her what you just said. The affair is enough but the things you've done since DDay were rough to say the least.

I shared this article with her as it really was everything I wanted to say to her about what she did and couldn't articulate.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=606101

I got this response:

I shared this article with her as it really was everything I wanted to say to her about what she did and couldn't articulate.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=606101

I got this response:

I'm not really sure how to respond other than that I wish I could take all of your pain away. I am so ashamed that I broke you completely. You did not deserve any of this. All you are and have been is kind. I want to tell you that you are beautiful inside and out, that you are brilliant enough, that you are enough to mean the world to someone including our children and me, that you are the love of my life and I should have shown my love for you much more than I have, that you are worthy of so much more than I have shown you recently, that you are good enough, and that you deserve to be treated so much better than how I have treated you. But I know me saying those things means nothing and I need to show you those things. I also know that you will come back stronger from this because that is who you are. I appreciate you sharing this and I'm glad you found this as a way to tell me these things

So, I guess you need to make a choice.

Do you want to reconcile? Because this continued communication and sharing of emotions is what couples do, this is not healthy if your intent is divorce. It will only twist you in knots. If your intent is still to divorce, then I'd end this contact. Stop sharing emotions with her and tell her its over and to stop.

If she is still with OM then your choice has already been made and you need to stop this.

Wait... Did you look her to this site?

No. I copied and pasted it in an email.

Ah, good job. You don't need her snooping into your thoughts.

I get that I "need to make a choice." Things have shifted in the dynamic a little and that's all right now to me. I'm not even saying I'm entertaining anything. I see no problem with me expressing something to her, but I understand there could be a problem with that. I take everyone's advice here and love it. It has got me very far and helped me tremendously but I'm not a robot and some decisions I make might fall away from the spectrum of should and should not do.

Some say do this and some say do that and I don't question either side at all. Is it not ok to take a little from both. Continue with D but allow things to play out a little now that she seems a little more willing to communicate. I'm not the one initiating any conversations. Nor will I. I told her the D would continue on and even if she did everything in her power it might not change that. She asked about her job, said she'd get tested, and I'm still not open to R. I am not in any way sitting here with my heart and my door open to her. There is still a giant brick wall.

Don't listen to anyone here telling you what to do one way or the other. Do what you want. If you want to stay with her and keep the family together, then do it. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. There is time. No sense in rushing into anything one way or the other.

I'll be honest. If that letter came 1 month ago or more I would have jumped right back. It's all I wanted. Now all I see is lies and someone who is only doing this because the consequences have become real. Would she have wrote it without the papers? I strongly doubt it.

But maybe she does "get it" now. Sometimes people have to bottom out or be standing right at the edge of a cliff before they get it. Around sites like this people will say "you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it." You went that route, filed, and had her served. That is a life-altering event for all of you. Sometimes it takes a life-altering event for people to make real changes in themselves.

Personally I sense hesitation in you and that you're not doing what you really want to do in this moment. This is your life, no one else's. Live it true to yourself.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 12:55 PM, June 5th (Monday)]

Thanks Cincy. The advice here has been invaluable and I know I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am at this point without it. Because of that advice I do feel like I am capable of keeping myself emotionally detached while still having a discussion with her. Much like people say. Treating it like business. I know it's not business to discuss emotions but oh well. I felt I needed to share that with her because I was never able to articulate it calmly in the beginning.

I take everything that she is doing now with my bullshit meter running on full tilt. I don't know how common it is for any WW to just all of a sudden come to their senses and even if she did do that, there has been a tremendous amount of damage done after DDay and even before that I may not care at all if she did.

I am only human in all of this.

You are right. There is hesitation on my part. I am ready to be divorced but that does not mean that I truly want to be. I feel like a lot of people could say the same thing. I know I'd be ok if, and most likely at the moment, it does go that way, but as I just said I am only human, and so far my heart is slowly lagging behind my brain in ways.

Last night as I said she laid out a timeline for me, answered all my questions, although there were some I don't knows mixed in, all to pretty much my satisfaction. I actually felt better having some of the pieces of my jigsaw puzzle filled in and you know what I relaxed after we got of the phone and I got the kids to bed and slept pretty damn well.