SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I met another wife who was being blackmailed by this woman

make sure she also reports this to the police, and if you can find the others she pulled this on, you all need to get together and make a phone call to the DA.

Where's Bigger on this? We could you his advice.

Ashamed

I ‘m a former cop and as part of my training I learned to prioritize what to do in crisis situations. Like if I was the first responder at a domestic violence situation I might ignore hurt and crying kids, the wailing wife, the in-laws and screaming neighbors and simply focus on the creator of violence. Once I had control of the perpetrator, knew if there were weapons in the house, knew where the kitchen knives were stored and felt safe I would add more factors into what I would deal with.

I’m going to suggest you do something comparable…

That OW… Her present role isn’t important. Her threats aren’t important. Honestly… They aren’t.

SHE isn’t important. She is the next-door neighbor screaming in my ear that the husband is an @sshole and should be arrested. Doesn’t impact what I do…

Let’s go briefly over the paternity situation:

I lost count at three how many men have been paying her because of paternity claims. Who knows… If this goes further, then maybe a couple of more might come forward that refused to pay.

One man has already told you a DNA test proved his paternity. I didn’t get it if it was also the name on the birth-certificate.

It’s been 11 years… Claims can lose their legal right to be pursued in a court of law if they are not maintained or tended to. For example: Even if you could prove you lent your friend Amy you Barbie doll when you were ten then if you hadn’t maintained the claim in an accepted way you couldn’t sue her now. The OW has had more than ample time to file the correct paternity.

To change paternity, she needs legal action that includes present registered father forfeiting his parental rights, reasonable cause to have your husband ordered to give a DNA sample and so on.

EVEN IF she got all that and the DNA proved your husband is the father then it’s not an automatic assumption a judge will rule your husband as the legal father. He can be the biological father, but the OW and the present father’s inaction, plus the family-structure and environment of the kids, could make the judge rule for an unchanged situation.

But none of that matters right now…

Until or unless your husband gets ordered by a judge to give a DNA sample… The paternity is not an issue. She can huff and puff but you really need to understand it doesn’t matter.

Ignore it and either she will go away or you will find better ways of blocking her and ignoring her.

So, the paternity issue… stored and dealt with for now.

The OW and her actions…

You have been doing fine so far. The police have her actions documented. There is an official account. You are blocking her off social media and limiting how she can impact you. It’s a semi-hopeless situation since she can always find new ways, but if you are consistent in blocking and swatting her away then with time she will go.

I STRONGLY suggest you take legal action and get both a cease and desist letter AND a cease and desist order. The difference? The cease and desist (cad) letter is a civil-action letter where you insist the OW stops slandering your husband and stops harassing your family. If she persists, threaten to sue her. The cad order is more in line with a judge telling her that if she carries on harassing you or your husband she will be locked up.

While you are at it get, a restraining order limiting how close she can be to you.

It’s a bit of work. Best is to hand this over to an attorney and have him do all the filing. If your husband could hide 6000 per year from you then he can find the money to pay for this.

About the OW posting on social media.

GOOD!

GREAT!

The worst thing about blackmail of the sort she was doing is the fear of the truth coming out.

The best thing about the truth coming out is that there is no need to fear blackmail.

It’s like she had a gun with a single bullet in it and has been pointing it at you for 11 years. Then she points to the sky and pulls the trigger… Suddenly that barrel pointed at you isn’t a threat.

To those that matter – to the stakeholders of the marriage. People like parents, grown kids, good friends… Tell the truth… Tell them that your dumbass husband had an affair all those years ago, and that he kept it hidden. That OW insisted he was the father of the kids and he was hiding payments from you. That once he stopped paying she contacted you. Tell them that there are other men supposedly also being blackmailed the same way. Tell them the registered father did have a DNA test done and is the father. Tell them OW is a nutcase and ask that they ignore what she’s saying. Tell them that yes – your marriage is in crisis and you aren’t sure what to do. But then ask them to be non-judgmental and that they help in any way they can to ensure you and husband reach the correct decision for your future.

If your husband is cringing in shame for his actions, then that’s fine. Shame is caused when your conscience confirms that your actions weren’t to the standard you want to maintain. OK – so some of the guys down the pool-hall will snigger next time he goes there, but friends and family will move on from this.

Mrs. Ashamed – BTW I hate your user-name because you have NOTHING to be ashamed of – Like I would focus on the creator of violence then you focus on your marriage, you and your husband. He didn’t cheat because you worked nights, and if he insists that’s the true reason for his affair… you have a lost cause.

Look at his actions. What is he willing to do? Will he take a poly to confirm this is the only affair? Will he open his accounts so you can see how he managed to hide all that money? Is he willing to stick to IC? Is he willing to stand in front of a crowd shielding you and directing the shame you seem to feel directly at himself?

Evaluate his actions. Focus on you, him and the marriage. The OW and the paternity… not an issue at all.

Thanks everyone!! I am keeping really good records of the messages she sends me. I am looking for civil lawyer. I don't expect to get anything back from her, but I want a judgement ordered. I'm not feeling as ashamed as I was before, but I do Stull feel a little. My husband has agreed to a poly, which has been pushed back by 2 weeks. Hopefully, it will be done next week. The funny thing is, I don't care so much about it anymore. I feel like I'm drifting away from him. Our anniversary is next week, but why bother celebrating? I'm beginning to feel numb. I try to talk to him, but it feels fake. Inside, I'm thinking sinister thoughts while trying to display "normal" behavior. We still spend time together, but it's awkward. The man I fell in love with would not have done this to me. And for the life if me, I can't understand why he is fighting so hard to stay with me. Why?? Why doesn't he want out?? I'm exhausted!!

Hi MrsA, it's good to hear from you. I'm glad that you are beginning to see that your husband's shame is all his to own. I'm also glad that you are pursuing a judgement against the OW. I think you're being realistic about what to expect from it too. I doubt you'll get any money back either but if you get a judgement at least you'll have made some kind of consequence for her.

It's good that your husband has agreed a poly, and it's good that he's fighting so hard to stay with you, if when your feelings become 'un' numb, (which they probably will) you decide to give R a try. That decision is yours alone to make though - him fighting hard doesn't automatically win him anything. Your feelings may go the other way, and that will be his own consequence to own too.

Are you still both in therapy? All these questions you have will be easier for you to work through if you have an IC to help guide you through. I'm glad you've updated us, I was thinking about you.

On my way to work this morning, I cried. I haven't cried in a while. Our anniversary is this week (9th) and I've hit a new emotional roller coaster. How am I ever gonna get over this???

This being your anniversary week was bound to cause a big dip in the roller coaster. Have you told him how you want him to handle it? It might be wise to prepare what you want to do for the day and make sure that he and your close family that knows about the affair know what that is - whether it is to ignore it - buy you a cards - whatever.

You will get over this MrsA but it will take time and work to do so. Sadly. Keep up with the IC therapy if you can to help you - whatever you decide to do with your marriage.

This anniversary was hard. I didn't want to celebrate, so we didn't. My hus band bought me a card, where he wrote a heart wrenching apology for hurting me. I feel so numb right now.

He passed his polygraph. I don't know why this doesn't please me. I was sure he was still lying to me. In my heart, I feel like he's had other affairs. I feel he will do it again. His polygraph says otherwise. Is it possible that he beat the poly??

Also, want to thank Bigger. You gave me some very solid and sound advice. It has been a lifesaver these past weeks. It just feels good knowing what to do next in this situation. You will never understand how much your guidance helped me!!! I am so grateful!!!

Bottom line.

He would have taken his dirty little secret to the GRAVE with him, had his past OW not told you the truth.

Someone with TRUE remorse for what they've done would never do that.

He can cry all the 'tears' he wants and beg you all he wants. He's got ZERO remorse and every tear he cries is for himself. For what HE stands to lose or his discomfort at being the cause of this shit-storm he dumped in your lap.

That's not remorse.

I asked for seperation. It was hard. He doesn't want it. I don't trust him. When I'm around him, I feel awkward. I love him, don't get me wrong. I think I Always will to some degree. I just don't know if I can stay married. I feel kinda guilty. He's trying, but I don't believe anything he says. Does he think imma be the fool again????

This is a very difficult time. Your situation has been extremely traumatic.

I am so sorry your heart is hurting.

It's just so sad. I'm so sorry. The eleven years of lying and paying out family money have made this very difficult. Maybe some time apart may do you both good - to allow you to see things more clearly.

I am so very very sorry this is happening to you. You are worth so much more than what has been handed to you. If you need a separation, then that's what needs to happen. I hope you both continue IC and that he gets help trying to figure out why he thought it was okay for him to cheat to start with and then continue to lie to you for 10 years and use marital funds to pay his mistress to keep quiet. He told you he tried to get out of the affair after the first time and yet he shared personal information with her about your marriage. Doesn't add up. I think you have a daughter together; do you have other kids? If this has blown up and lots of people know, how are they handling this? Please consider getting them to IC also. Hoping you find peace soon.

He won't leave!! The police says I can't force him, the house is both of ours. Now he thinks I'm cheating. I have assured him that I am not. I need time apart to sort my feelings out. My counselor supports this. His does not. II just don't know what else to do!!!!

See a lawyer and file for a legal separation. Then he will have to leave. He is being incredibly selfish by not giving you the space that you need and accusing you of cheating. He doesn't sound remorseful at all if that's his first thought and not how much pain you must be in. I'm also not convinced that she was his first or last A either. It might be worth asking him to take a polygraph to rebuild some of that trust in that you have the full truth.

nekonamida, he passed poly.

You're right---you can't force him to leave. But it speaks VOLUMES about his empathy for you.

So.....what do you do now? Is he still in the marital bedroom? If he won't leave here either, then you leave the room. Show him that not only are you serious about needing space, but you can guarantee him that his lack of cooperation will only help enforce your beliefs that he does NOT have your concerns in front of his own.

You have to work on emotional detachment. The less engaged you are....only talk about the bare necessities---finances, schedules, etc....the sooner that you will get some emotional separation from your husband. THEN you can decide if you want to continue in this direction.

(((Ashamed))) First of all never be ashamed... YOU did nothing wrong.... Please remember that.

You can't change him.... only your reaction to him

Below is the Simplified 180 post by SerJr. Use it.

The Simplified 180

It's been a few years since I've read through the 180 bullet list, despite understanding the basic fundamental point to detach from a hurtful situation and focus on moving forward independently. Looking through the thirty-odd points in the list... I can see how it gets confusing and possibly even contradictory if taken out of context. The following is what I believe a distilled version of the 180 looks like with just a few simple guiding principles to keep in mind.

Principle #1 Don’t reward their behaviour.

A common game that the betrayed spouse will play is the “pick me” game where they try to win back the wayward spouse. When terrible things happen, it’s natural to want to feel a sense of control and if we can find fault with ourselves, then one could reasonably assume that you could fix things by just trying harder. The problem with this codependent thinking is that you didn’t cause your partner to cheat and you can’t control the choices that they make. Cheating is fuelled by a sense of entitlement and when you try to compete you just reinforce that entitlement. If you refuse to live with infidelity in your marriage, then don’t reward your partner for their cheating or try to manipulate them into staying with you. You deserve better.

Principle #2 Don’t shield them from consequences.

Don’t feel that you have to passively endure the mistreatment of your wayward partner’s infidelity. Doing nothing grants passive approval and gives up your own power to take charge and make your own choices. If a situation isn’t changing, then action is required to make it change. You have a right and a responsibility to protect what is important to you. Be clear with these boundaries and let your wayward spouse know if you would prefer to work on your relationship, but that without a doubt you will not accept staying in a relationship if their behaviour continues. Don’t sugar-coat it for them, call it as it is. If their behaviour is continuing, take the necessary steps to protect yourself such as consulting an attorney to educate yourself on options and separating resources and finances. It is not up to you to bear the burden for your wayward partner’s selfish choices. Take action and take charge.

Principle #3 Let go of the emotional strings.

Oftentimes, the wayward spouse will go on the offensive – arguing, blame-shifting, minimising or justifying their actions, projecting untruths, lying, making threats, and so forth. Engaging in these arguments serves to meet their negative emotional needs and further entrench their delusion. By changing how you behave or interact you can remove yourself from a manipulative situation and detach to preserve your emotional wellbeing. By practising control over your feelings, thoughts, and actions you can maintain a calm and steady centre of being and speak truthfully and directly with quiet assertiveness. If your wayward partner tries to pull your emotional strings, you simply let them go in order to avoid being dragged back down into the mire. You regain control of your life by refusing to be played for a puppet – you are the one who is in control of yourself.

Principle #4 Take care of yourself and get involved in your life.

Whatever happens and whatever path you walk, you need to be at your best. Pay attention to your mental, emotional, and physical health. Don’t deny yourself the right to feel your emotions, but at the same time create that picture of who you ultimately want to be and keep that end-goal in mind. Focus on your personal self improvement. Take some time to think about what your emotional needs are, how to simplify the clutter in your life, and how to surround yourself with healthy and enriching relationships and get involved in activities that you enjoy.

Principle #5 Stay true to yourself.

Above all, you need to keep faith in yourself and be authentic with yourself. You deserve your self-respect and you have to be willing to stand up for it. You put the focus on your choices and empowerment to nurture yourself to grow and evolve and live out your values to create a healthier and more balanced life for you and those you care about. You live your life understanding that you can navigate through change and adversity to create that brighter future for yourself.

The Spectrum of the 180

It's important to realise too, that the 180 isn't an all or nothing endeavour, but that it exists within a spectrum. It's important to understand the position that you are in, and to adapt the particulars to best meet the situation.

The Soft 180 creates some space to help you find clarity and perspective. It is a reminder to focus on yourself, your peace of mind, your choices, and letting go of things that are inhibiting your emotional health. You focus on reinforcing your independence over codependence through healthy, but not dismissive, detachment while still allowing your needs to be met by your partner. It’s about realising that it is okay to think about and identify what you need in and want from life, and to express those things to your partner. It is okay to allow others to be responsible for themselves (actually it's even in their best interest) and to let go of situations and outcomes that you can't control. In fact, it’s healthy because you let go of the unnecessary stress and allow yourself to move forward unencumbered by it. You make it clear that there are limits to what conduct you will accept in your relationship, but you don't have to feel guilty about things that aren't your issue. When someone violates your boundaries, you still have a responsibility to yourself to challenge it or else you are the one to compromise your own values. The soft 180 is still very productive if you’re both all in and working to reconcile, because you gain some objective distance to help reset and focus on behaviour in the relationship and decide what you are willing and not willing to accept. It’s about understanding the past, living in the present, and building for the future.

The Hard 180 is a cold dose of reality for everyone involved, but most especially for you, when you are in a situation in which you are continuing to be actively or passively hurt. In effect, you are saying "I am hurt by this behaviour and if/as it continues I will evaluate all of my options to take care of myself". You must be willing to uphold your boundaries and step away from the situation to move forward on your own when that is the only thing that you are able to change and control. Not only that, but you put up protective walls to cut off emotional ties to toxic relationships. You recognise that the healthiest choice, for everyone involved, is to leave others to be responsible for their actions and for the consequences of the choices they are making. It’s about standing up for yourself to make a decision. It doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind in the future if the situation changes, but it does mean you refuse to be a part of the current situation and you refuse to live with it. You want to focus on the critical aspects of the situation to deal with reality, while letting go of the emotional ballast that weighs you down. You have to stay smart and think rationally without being controlled by anger or thoughts of revenge – it’s a focus on eliminating problems, not on creating them. The priority is protecting your emotional, mental, and physical health by protecting what is important to you and setting yourself free so that you can move forward unimpeded.

[This message edited by SerJR at 8:25 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)]

Sending you peace!

He won't leave because he's a selfish SOB.

I posted this a few weeks ago:

Because he never wanted a D to begin with. He wanted to eat cake. You closed the bakery. He, IMHO, is trying to save the M because he does not want to lose the comfortability of being married. I think he has regret at being caught,

THAT is why he is not leaving.

You need to make this HARD on him...hard to live with you. I'm not talking about abusing him; I'm talking about the 180 and seeing an attorney to get exclusive use of the marital home.

I KNEW he was not truly remorseful. He was sorry he got caught and lost his comfy life and comfy wife.

I am so angry FOR you. Find your anger, sweetie.

Hugs...